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Topic: A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...  (Read 1037 times)

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A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...
« on: July 28, 2005, 06:55:40 PM »
My dad sent this to me, I could not stop laughing!!!  Thought I would share.



A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with
a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year
old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of
a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
treadmill.  She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed
it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did
my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me
on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh** too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me,
then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anaemic little cheerleading bit**. If there were a part of my body could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted
me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#&** barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
 I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the bit**), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy.


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