Do you ever freak out about your marriage?

Every now and again this horrible thought creeps over me that trying to share our lives over two continents is going to be the death of our marriage.  We've been married for 3 1/2 years, all of which has been spent in the UK (we met in the US, DH was working there for nearly 4 years, we were together for 2 1/2 before he had to move back to the UK, spent a little over a year in LDR and then got married and I moved over).  We're contemplating starting a family and then moving back to the US, by which time I'll have been here for about 5 years. 

I sometimes just get so worried that we're going to move back and then 5-10 years down the road he's going to say okay, time to head back to London and I'm not going to want to go.  I've had a hard time here, I desperately miss my family and I hang on because I know we'll go back eventually.  I know it's not fair to ask him to stay in the US forever, and I know that I can't know what will happen in the future, so it's really useless worrying about it.  But when I think about having children, it really complicates the whole thing...*sigh* I know I'm being stupid, and I rarely think about this anymore, but when I do, it takes over and I really worry about what the future holds for us.

Please tell me I'm not alone...

You're not alone.  Part of being in a relationship with a person from another country is having to make huge compromises and the fact that one of you is going to have to make a huge sacrifice to move away from everything you know and start over.

I wish I could say that it all gets easier but I'm not sure that it does-you might get better at dealing with it or one of you might find it easier than the other, but there are always going to be things that crop up-job loss, death in the family, illness-that throws everything out of balance.

The key, in my opinion, is to be flexible.  If you move back to America thinking that that's a decision for life you may find that it is not.  He might not like it, something may happen in his family or job that make it better for you to live in the UK.  And if you cling to the 'this is forever' argument that's just going to cause trouble.

But you're right.  There's no point worrying about what's going to happen in the future.  There is absolutly no way you can predict it.  And worrying and fretting isn't going to do anything except cause tension.

So, I think the best thing to do is to sit down with him, and really honestly discuss where you both think the marriage is headed.  Put it all on the table about how willing you both are to compromise and try to get an idea if you're on the same page. Because if you're thinking that it's a permanent move and he's thinking it's a trial it's probably a good idea to discuss this now, before you book the moving van.

But most importantly, I think you need to focus on where you are now. Find things that are positive and focus on being happy here and now and not just thinking about how rosy the future will be.

No matter what happens, you'll be fine.  It is hard, but you know that you can do it.  A lot of us have felt unhappy and missed our families and I know how difficult that can be.  But it is do-able.  You just need to think about being happy in the present and letting the future unfold as it will. 

I feel your pain.

When DH and I first got together, I found myself in love with a man who had traveled extensively throughout his own country but had barely set foot out of it (a school trip to France and a long weekend in Dublin). I, on the other hand, was more traveled and came from a family who also is.

We met here in the UK and I had left the US pretty unhappy. I was glad to not be there and my first year here was wonderful - meeting him only making it more so. But I vividly recall him worrying about an international relationship and what would happen down the road. I recall telling him that I hadn't been happy in the US and wouldn't be wanting to go back and that if I did down the road, we'd just see what happened. I told him life is a risk.

Well those days are on us now. I do want to go back, though I fear I will have a much harder time adjusting than he will. His attitude towards living abroad has changed so much since we first met. He's looking forward to it while I worry about the things that I'll remember that are hard (health insurance, the crazy work hours, etc).

We have no idea where we'll be in the next year. We do know that it's likely we'll go to the US, but we also know we could bounce back and forth a bit. I suspect that for both of us, neither place will ever truly be home anymore. This is in some ways good and some ways bad.

We'll just have to see!

So, I think the best thing to do is to sit down with him, and really honestly discuss where you both think the marriage is headed.  Put it all on the table about how willing you both are to compromise and try to get an idea if you're on the same page. Because if you're thinking that it's a permanent move and he's thinking it's a trial it's probably a good idea to discuss this now, before you book the moving van.

Thank you.  Yes, we've done this and we've come up with a plan for the foreseeable future that we're both happy with.  DH is a let's see what happens kind of guy and I'm a big planner, although I'm learning to relinquish control bit by bit.  We've decided to cross the bridge when we come to it, this whole post is me panicking in my head...  And I think mostly about having children.  I want it more than anything, but I worry that one day our relationship will be in jeopardy and there will be kids stuck in the middle of parents who live in two separate countries.  I guess I was just wondering if I'm the only one out there with this sickening thought?

Anyway, thank you.  After 3 1/2 years I know it's not easy!  and I keep telling myself, people do this all the time, and they just deal!  

You're not alone.   Part of any relationship - marriage or no - is freaking out upon occasion.    It's how you deal with the freaking out that's the issue - ideally, you'll be able to deal with it together.

Not about the US/UK thing, no, because it's a non-issue for us.  This is our home. 

But it is for a lot of folks, so you've got company.

DH is a let's see what happens kind of guy and I'm a big planner, although I'm learning to relinquish control bit by bit. 

Same here.  But I've realised that I can plan all I want and still not have any control over what is going to happen - especially regarding where we'll be happiest.  DH had moved to the US "forever".  After 4 years, and for multiple reasons, we decided to move back to the UK.  This time, at least, we knew enough not to say "forever" - we learned that we have no idea how long we'll be here.  Maybe forever, maybe for a few years.  (It's an answer that drives friends and family up the wall, btw.  ) 

One of the interesting things about which country you choose to live in, that you really can't plan for, is that it isn't always the expat who gets homesick.  You'll have been massively changed by the whole experience of living in the UK and you may no longer be as comfortable in the US as you're envisaging.  Or it may be everything you've been dreaming of.  See, just too many variables to plan for!  I'd go crazy on a daily basis if I kept trying!    

Keep the channels of communication open during and after the move.  Help your husband adjust to life in the US.  And try to make sure that you talk about what is going well, and what is not going well.  Sometimes I think when international marriages break up in the way you fear, it is simply because the expat's unhappiness was hidden for so long, for fear of hurting their partner's feelings.  Then, the "sudden" demand to move back "home" is too shocking - when really it had been brewing for years.