Author Topic: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice  (Read 18042 times)

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Offline psweeney1967

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Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« on: October 22, 2008, 02:14:02 AM »
So I (US hubby in UK) and new wife did the LDR thing for a while.  We battled over who would move (I lost).  I've been here 4 years now, and still can't adjust to the inferior standard of living, the fact I'm so far away from family, and that she doesn't treat me like a King because I made the sacrifice.

I know I shouldn't be resentful but I am...  Can anyone relate?

Offline mirrajay

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2008, 03:00:09 AM »
Inferior standard of living??  Care to elaborate?

Sounds to me like you had some unrealistic expectations of how your wife would treat you after moving.  I have not yet moved, but my BF and I have talked about how to make sure I dont have these feelings (or at least to know that I can come to him if I do). Have you spoken to your wife about this?

Offline BBreslin

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2008, 03:42:26 AM »
I have no valuable advice to offer here, but I'm starting to worry I'll be in the same situation.  I quite like the area where I grew up, and had never imagined I'd be moving far from it.  I haven't moved yet, but every time I'm visiting my boyfriend in N. Ireland I find something else that I realize I'm not going to like (the lack of my favorite foods, the layouts of the houses, the fact that everything closes to freaking early in the evening, the lack of friends, etc.)  When I air my grievances with the boyfriend, it doesn't seem like he understands how much I'll be walking away from in America.

I'm interested to see how this problem can be resolved or avoided all together. I feel like it's probably a fairly common issue.

otterpop

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2008, 06:21:46 AM »
Inferior standard of living??  Care to elaborate?


oh yes please!  I'm eager to hear this one!

Offline sweetpeach

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2008, 07:15:14 AM »
Sounds to me like you had some unrealistic expectations of how your wife would treat you after moving. 

Sounds to me like you had unrealistic expectations about marriage.  You make sacrifices for your spouse because you love them, not because you expect anything in return.

pkessler

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2008, 08:38:31 AM »
You make sacrifices for your spouse because you love them, not because you expect anything in return.

I agree. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time here, but feeling and acting resentful won't make it any easier on your relationship or make life here better for you.

Also, just wondering, do you treat your wife like a Queen?

Offline Jewlz

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2008, 08:55:09 AM »
So I (US hubby in UK) and new wife did the LDR thing for a while.  We battled over who would move (I lost).  I've been here 4 years now, and still can't adjust to the inferior standard of living, the fact I'm so far away from family, and that she doesn't treat me like a King because I made the sacrifice.

I know I shouldn't be resentful but I am...  Can anyone relate?

Ummm, I don't relate to this at all.  I was really psyched to move here and experience a different way of life (not to mention to be with my husband, who I love more than all the Earth).  And I don't see the standard of living as inferior by any means. 



Also, just wondering, do you treat your wife like a Queen?

Offline chary

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2008, 09:04:45 AM »
I moved from Wales (which I adored) to be with my fiance in England (which is OK) because I love him and because we need to live together. So far, things haven't panned out the way we'd hoped and there are times I'm so desperately homesick for Wales that I can't stand it. And I do sort of resent the fact that I had to be the one to move, but I also understand that he, being the wage-earner, couldn't relocate. I don't resent him, but I do resent the situation.

Having said that, it's what you do when you love someone. As others have said, making sacrifices is part of what being in a relationship is all about. If you don't think the relationship was worth the move, then perhaps you need to reconsider the whole thing!
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Offline psweeney1967

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2008, 10:11:15 AM »
I thought this would trigger a little controversy... :)

Those of us in this situation know that this is a sacrifice of the highest order.  There are sacrifices and there are SACRIFICES.

I didn't have unrealistic expectations about marriage.  I was being sarcastic with the "King" remark.  But it would be nice to feel appreciated from time to time for the sacrifices we make.

Trust me, in my situation, the standard of living here is horrible.  You can't generalize about that of course.  But for me, and my line of work, (and for hers as well), we could be living SO much better in the US.  I'm probably older than alot of you (41), and was well established in my career in the US and now its gone.  It's hard not to feel owed something for this.

I was hoping to find someone on here who felt the same way and has found a way to cope.

Paul

Offline Jewlz

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2008, 10:23:44 AM »
What do you feel you are "owed" for this sacrifice?  Do you want her to give life in the US a try?  Do you want her to pay more attention to you?  I think you need to determine the answer to this question.  Just sitting around feeling resentful toward her because you made the choice to move to the UK isn't going to help resolve anything.  What could she do to make you feel better?  Does she know how you feel, and have you told her how she could help ease your feelings of resentment?
As for the "standard of living" thing.... money and possessions aren't everything.  Why did the decision come to you moving here rather than her moving there?  If she had been the one to make the SACRIFICE, how would you go about making her feel better if she came to resent you for it? 

Offline balmerhon

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2008, 10:25:09 AM »
Unfortunately, your sarcasm didn't translate but setting that aside for a minute...

First, you have to accept that England is what it is. For many Americans what you get for your money here is a lot less than what you are used to. For many who move here it is very hard to find the trade-off. It just depends upon what kind of person you are and what you are looking for in life. Lots of folks are happy to take a 'lower standard of living' for more holiday time, less of the 'work work work' mentality, etc.

It can also be very hard for the spouse who did not make the 'sacrifice' to understand how hard it is for you.

All you can do is sit down and talk about it and try to adjust your outlook and expectations.
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ~ John Lennon

Offline chary

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2008, 10:26:38 AM »
But for me, and my line of work, (and for hers as well), we could be living SO much better in the US.

How did you decide where to move? What factors did you and your wife consider when making your decision?

I'm probably older than alot of you (41)

45 here. I'm not sure age has that much to do with it, to be honest.  :-\\\\

I was hoping to find someone on here who felt the same way and has found a way to cope.

I do feel somewhat the same way, but the way I cope is to know that I want to be with my fiance. And I'm realistic enough to know that that means sacrificing something. And also to know that resenting your wife won't help you cope or adjust at all!

Have you considered moving back to the US? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but if - financially - it makes more sense for you to be there, then is it an option?
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Offline Stoatula

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2008, 10:30:38 AM »
I lost the "which side of the pond" argument, too. Also, I'm older than you  :P

The advantage I have is that we've had an obscenely long LDR, so I eventually got over it. Well, not entirely. But I had enough time to think about my ancestors and all the outrageous moves they had to make. You know, "Lucy -- strap the china cabinet on the mule, we're going to Oklahoma!"

Butt kicks like this one are all part of the circle of liiiiiiiiife.

If you know what I mean.

Offline psweeney1967

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #13 on: October 22, 2008, 10:59:00 AM »
What I meant about my comment about being older is that I think this transition can be more difficult for someone who made the move relatively late in life.  If you do it in your early 20's, you're less established in your career and in all other sorts of ways.  You don't become as accustomed to a lifestyle maybe.

I didn't move till I was nearly 40.  Just the age when your supposed to be starting to hit your prime earning years.  Absolutely the wrong time of life to take a 50% pay cut.

I of course always talk to my wife about this.  But I think it can be difficult for her and for the spouses in general.  I get this feeling that for them the hope would be that over time, the one who moved just "gets over it" eventually.  But I think what they don't understand, is that this kind of thing never goes away.  It's always there.  It continually has be managed.

In our situation, I was the prime earner, but she just couldn't find the strength to move.  So I stepped up and did something about it.

Trickynicky42

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2008, 11:15:40 AM »
Quote
What I meant about my comment about being older is that I think this transition can be more difficult for someone who made the move relatively late in life

The problem is hardly your age, it sounds to me the difficulty is coming from unrealistic expectations of both your move and your marriage. 

You should see and feel the reward every single day from your wife's love for you.  If you're not, perhaps you should think about a few things.  Not only that, but dont try to label your move as alturistic, heroic, or the like, because when youre married you do all you can for the other person, out of an overwhelming and selfless love.

Secondly, it was your choice to move. Ultimately it came down to you packing up and moving across the pond.  Being an American in the UK myself yeah, I can see how you would say the standard of living is lower than that in the US.  But if your career, and subsequently your paycheck, was more important than you should've stayed.  If your love was more important, then you've made your decision and its a moot point.

In addition, I don't know your situation with you and your wife.  I dont need to either, but you need to ask yourself a few things.  Is she ignoring you completely?  Not supporting you emotionally? 2/3 of Marriages end in divorce, it probably something you would want to make sure of, that it is the most powerful thing you could ever imagine, a love so deep that you could live your life in the UK happily... and probably something to have been examined before moving.

Not that you've mentioned it, but here is a little tip: there is no way to kill your marriage faster than continually playing the "I gave up everything to move here" card.