Author Topic: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice  (Read 18459 times)

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WebyJ

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2008, 11:24:04 AM »
And because 'you stepped up' to the plate so to speak and were the man she should kiss your backside forever? I had an ex like that once.

I'm not a spring chicken either, 34 and I too left behind a career (a really cushy government job that payed really well that I could do with my eyes closed) that I loved and my HUGE family that I love more than life. I do think...what if. But then I look at my husband and my baby girl and I KNOW why I came here. Because they were what was MISSING in my life. Yeah, its not been all peaches and cream. Being single and just taking care of yourself is easy. Being responsible for others is hard being one with someone else is difficult at times, but that is what the single crave and you and I have that, or else you wouldn't have made the leap to begin with.

If you truly feel that you cannot cope with your standard of living then take the initiative and pound that pavement! Take a 2nd job or whatever...it just sounds to me that you're the type that is used to having everthing that you wanted and are narcissistic and materialistic. Life is not always about you.

You made the educated decision to be here with your wife...you made your bed. And if your wife isn't able to leave behind all that she knows then you were the emotionally stronger person to make that leap. Kudos to you but it's the past, you're not a king and she's not a queen you're just 2 normal people trying to make it in this world. Work together. Even a forced smile will eventually turn into a real one, there's scientific studies that say so.

One of my most favorite American sayings and I haven't used it in a very long time 

"Get over yourself"
« Last Edit: October 22, 2008, 11:38:45 AM by WebyJ »

Offline hollyberry

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2008, 11:35:57 AM »
You should see and feel the reward every single day from your wife's love for you.  If you're not, perhaps you should think about a few things.  Not only that, but dont try to label your move as alturistic, heroic, or the like, because when youre married you do all you can for the other person, out of an overwhelming and selfless love.

Isn't his point that he's NOT doing all he feels he can do for his wife because he's being limited by circumstances beyond his control?

Don't most people get frustrated when they feel they can't be the best they can/give the best they can?

One person may think that "love is enough" but not every one does.   Some people prioritize things differently.

Particularly, the males in my family take a their responsibility to support their families very similarly and would be equally upset at the loss of control over the situation.

When people lose their sense of self...the things that they feel define who they are...it's terribly unnerving and can't be soothed by a kiss and a cuddle.
  
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Offline hatsumomo

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #17 on: October 22, 2008, 11:46:25 AM »
Did you guys ever discuss taking "turns" at living in each others country.  My husband moved here to be with me but we have the understanding when he wants to go back I will go with him.  He made a sacrifice for me and I will do the same for him when the time comes.  I believe in 50/50 when it comes to that kind of things. 

Offline kate_mate

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #18 on: October 22, 2008, 11:56:50 AM »
I can understand feeling frustrated if one person is willing to move for the sake of the relationship, and the other is just not. That said, I'm not really sure where you go from there. Obviously resentment is not good.

We are currently living in the UK because it makes the most sense for us right now in terms of careers, lifestyle, etc. At another point in our lives it might be best for us to live in the US, or perhaps in another country altogether. We may never end up living in the US again, and I may never be interested to move back there, but the fact that my husband is open to the possibility gives me a lot of comfort.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2008, 11:59:22 AM by kate_mate »

AnneG

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #19 on: October 22, 2008, 11:58:37 AM »
The problem is hardly your age, it sounds to me the difficulty is coming from unrealistic expectations of both your move and your marriage. 

Totally agree. I moved when I was 35. Gave up a reasonably lucrative career path to retrain to do something I knew would be more marketable over here. I made the ENORMOUS mistake of assuming that it was up to my husband to make me happy when I first got here. Which put a tremendous strain on our relationship and just made us both miserable. When I picked myself up and took responsibility for my own happiness (i.e. worked to get my independence back, made friends, changed jobs a few times until I found something that amused me and paid what I wanted to earn, etc.) everything slotted into place.

If you put too much of the burden of happiness on your wife and if you don't take responsibility for making your life what you want it to be... IMHO you'll run everything into the ground with resentment.....

Offline camoscato

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #20 on: October 22, 2008, 12:01:08 PM »
So I stepped up and did something about it.

I think that's the key.  You had a choice between a) breaking off the relationship and staying in the US where you made lots of money and b) staying with the relationship and moving to the UK to an uncertain future.  No matter which choice you made, something was going to suck about it either way.

Now that you're in the UK and making way less money, it's easy to concentrate on that, because the money you used to have is no longer there.  Had you stayed in the US, you wouldn't be thinking about money because your income wouldn't have changed, but you might be depressed because the relationship you had would no longer be there.

Anyway, I understand what you mean about feeling resentful, and how you'd like the other person to acknowledge the sacrifice you've made.  Whenever I start feeling that way, I remind myself that I'm a grown man and nobody forced me to move to a new country; I decided to do so on my own, which means I'm responsible for the decision, and there's no point getting pissed off at anyone else.

Hope that helps, although I fully realize my way of thinking about it may not work for you.
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Offline psweeney1967

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #21 on: October 22, 2008, 12:08:16 PM »
Camoscato,

I try to think that way all the time.  Some days it works better than others :)

It hasn't been working lately, thus my posting.

Paul

Offline camoscato

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2008, 12:10:55 PM »
I try to think that way all the time.  Some days it works better than others :)

Amen, brother.   ;D

Carl
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Offline sweetpeach

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #23 on: October 22, 2008, 12:53:45 PM »
I thought this would trigger a little controversy... :)

  But for me, and my line of work, (and for hers as well), we could be living SO much better in the US.  I'm probably older than alot of you (41), and was well established in my career in the US and now its gone. 

Well, I am 43 and had to start over in a new industry when I moved here. I am making much less now than I made in the States, after you convert $s to £s. (I provide most of the household income from my salary since my husband is starting up a business.) I still think my life was better in the US than in the UK.

I appreciate the things my husband has done for our marriage. He appreciates the things I have done for our marriage.  There is no way to calculate who has done more, or how much each sacrifice is worth. It's not a contest.




Particularly, the males in my family take a their responsibility to support their families very similarly and would be equally upset at the loss of control over the situation.
 

I have had the responsibility of supporting my family (in this relationship and in my previous one) for over 20 years. It's not about being male.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2008, 12:58:54 PM by sweetpeach »

Offline June Cleaver

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #24 on: October 22, 2008, 02:06:50 PM »
Quote
Anyway, I understand what you mean about feeling resentful, and how you'd like the other person to acknowledge the sacrifice you've made.
We all like to feel appreciated.  And when you pack up and move around the world for someone you love it's not too much to ask for a little appreciation sometimes.

I do know how you feel psweeney1967, I've felt the same way myself at times.  "Does he know what I'm giving up to be with him?  My home, my friends, my family, kids, grandkids?  A good job?  A darn good monthly maintenance check?"  
I moved here to be with my sweetheart, to build a life with him, no other reason than that.  I didn't move because I hated America or wanted a better job or longed for foreign adventure, life would've been just fine in the US if he had been there with me, but that visa process would've taken far too long.  
But I am possibly the luckiest woman in Britain because he does understand my feelings and a day does not end without him expressing his love & appreciation for me.

I hope you and your wife can talk about this, get these feelings out where they can be tended to, and share some support and strength.  Best of luck to you and her.  

Offline hollyberry

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #25 on: October 22, 2008, 02:14:05 PM »
It's great that things have worked out for you, sweetpeach, but I read this person as saying:

1. He feels that he's made a huge sacrifice,
2. He's tried to deal with it (and it's not working),
3. He doesn't feel that his wife understands that he's not just going to "get over it".

Your happy ending is inconsequential to someone who is (1) not you and (2) in the midst of personal turmoil.

Also, I never said it's solely about being a male.  I wanted to remind some of the ladies to try on a different pair of shoes.
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Offline Choccie

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #26 on: October 22, 2008, 02:28:25 PM »
Some of the replies to the OP really bother me, because it seems that a lot of people do not realise that marriage (and life in general) are not always easy or a fairytale.

The OP is allowed to have feelings and I think its good that he posted them here as he is looking for suppport, not a bashing (or marriage advice from people who haven't been married long enough to deal out such advice).

Why not try to be supportive?  

Offline Lanark0818

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #27 on: October 22, 2008, 02:44:01 PM »
Some of the replies to the OP really bother me, because it seems that a lot of people do not realise that marriage (and life in general) are not always easy or a fairytale.

The OP is allowed to have feelings and I think its good that he posted them here as he is looking for suppport, not a bashing (or marriage advice from people who haven't been married long enough to deal out such advice).

Why not try to be supportive?  

I agree.
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Offline balmerhon

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #28 on: October 22, 2008, 02:48:00 PM »
Well-said Yael.
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ~ John Lennon

Trickynicky42

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #29 on: October 22, 2008, 03:01:15 PM »
Could've been that remark about being treated like a king.  I dont believe I was the only one who found that to be a little ill-humored.