Author Topic: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice  (Read 18092 times)

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Offline helle_chic

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #30 on: October 22, 2008, 03:04:15 PM »
I read this person as saying:

1. He feels that he's made a huge sacrifice,
2. He's tried to deal with it (and it's not working),
3. He doesn't feel that his wife understands that he's not just going to "get over it".

That's what I read as well, and I think it's a completely legitimate way to feel under the circumstances.  At least he said he doesn't want to feel resentful.  I don't know about anyone else here, but I can't control the way I feel all of the time.

Like I have said over and over, you can't judge someone by the way they feel, only by the actions they take.  And so far his apparently horrible actions have been venting frustrations.

If I were my boyfriend, I would have booted my sorry self back to the states ages ago with all my frustration of the last 11 months living in the UK, but luckily the man has the patience of a saint.  Sometimes I break down and cry to him that I am lonely and unhappy and I miss my family, and feel horribly guilty about not being able to financially contribute, but we both know that given the choice again we would do this the same way because he would rather support the two of us than lose me, and I would rather swallow my pride than lose him.  He completely understands my sacrifice, and I uunderstand his, so it works.  I think you need a good talk.  Sometimes people forget how much simply talking something through can help...  There is usually not an immediate or easy solution, but understanding goes a long way.
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Offline sweetpeach

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #31 on: October 22, 2008, 03:14:23 PM »
Could've been that remark about being treated like a king.  I dont believe I was the only one who found that to be a little ill-humored.

Yes. It sounded to me like he was saying that his wife should treat him better than he treats his wife, because he has sacrificed more for the marriage. We don't know what his wife has sacrificed to be with him, or to maintain the relationship. And there is no way to measure sacrifice.  Do the couple have children, or are they planning to? If she gets pregnant and has a difficult labour, would that even the score?

As I said earlier, a marriage isn't a competition.

I still think that if he expects some type of "compensation" for his sacrifice, then he needs to think about what marriage means.

I agree that he needs to talk to his wife, not only to express how he feels, but to understand how she feels.

Also, there is a difference between being lonely and homesick and feeling that somebody owes you something because you feel that way. Your spouse/partner is not responsible for making you happy. They should want you to be happy if they love you, but you are responsible for your own happiness.

Maybe the reason that I am happy in the first place is because I don't think about the sacrifices I've made and what my husband "owes" me.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2008, 03:22:00 PM by sweetpeach »

Trickynicky42

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #32 on: October 22, 2008, 03:25:45 PM »
Quote
I still think that if he expects some type of "compensation" for his sacrifice, then he needs to think about what marriage means.

...

Also, there is a difference between being lonely and homesick and feeling that somebody owes you something because you feel that way. Your spouse/partner is not responsible for making you happy. They should want you to be happy if they love you, but you are responsible for your own happiness.

this was my point in my previous post.  The act of moving requires no compensation.  Fairytale romance or not, moving is a selfless act of love for the other person, not a deposit to be cashed out later.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2008, 03:28:08 PM by Navie »

Offline psweeney1967

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #33 on: October 22, 2008, 04:07:08 PM »
Egads...

Sarcasm never projects well in type.

The King comment was sarcasm.  I do try to keep some sense of humour (note the UK spelling) in these trying times.

I don't expect to be treated better than I treat her.  And yes, yes, yes, we talk about this stuff all the time.  But our spouses can never truly understand what we're going through.  Only someone who's actually done it can.  To be honest I think she's probably sick of hearing about it.  I know I would be.

If you've moved here and you love it, I'm very happy for you.  But for those of us who really would rather be back in the US, but must try to accept things the way they are, it is just not easy.

I don't like feeling this way.  I know its not helpful.  I suppose the post was a vent.  Take note of the hour of the posting as well.

Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm exactly in personal turmoil.  This is like any other long term life problem, there are good days and bad days, but its always there.  Yesterday was a bad day.

Thanks all for you thoughts.

Offline balmerhon

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #34 on: October 22, 2008, 04:14:47 PM »
Unfortunately, the literal brigade have once again taken someone a bit too literally. ::)

Next time, when you need a good vent, we have a section of the forum called Homesickness or Hard Times for this sort of thing. Responses have to be supportive there (though that's not to say your attempt at sarcasm wouldn't have been misinterpreted, but the replies would have been moderated more forcibly).

Sorry you had a bad day. 8 years on and I still have bad days and good days. This winter, though, my DH will be the one moving to another country. Should be interesting to see how he copes.

Best of luck to you.
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ~ John Lennon

Offline sweetpeach

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #35 on: October 22, 2008, 04:18:04 PM »
Unfortunately, the literal brigade have once again taken someone a bit too literally. ::)


Sorry about that.

However, unfortunately, there have been people on this board, who when posting about things like the "inferior standard of living in the UK", have been dead serious.


Offline balmerhon

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #36 on: October 22, 2008, 04:22:51 PM »
Of course they have, but this poster did say he was being sarcastic pretty soon after his OP. That's why I've referred him to the H&HT forum. :)
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ~ John Lennon

Offline Midnight blue

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #37 on: October 22, 2008, 04:28:44 PM »
To psweeney1967 -- you've been jumped all over a bit here, so all I want to add is that there is one thing that is certainly true: the person for whom one has moved can never really know exactly what it feels like and what the downsides can be, and how bad those feel on a bad day. Even if they have the best will in the world. And that can feel deeply frustrating and in fact chillingly lonely. It IS a huge sacrifice to leave behind your entire life as you know it. And if anything is falling short, including the levels of understanding being extended by the one who is still in their own country and who didn't have to give up a thing, it can feel very rough.

I'm back in my own country but even I am having terribly adjustment problems, and to realize that nobody around can even begin to understand the complex pain, isolation, frustration and weirdness I'm feeling makes me even more depressed even though yes, I'm a grown woman and I made this choice.

I just wanted to say what hasn't been remembered here yet in this thread -- you're right, it is not easy and nobody can understand who has not done it themselves.

But I want to end with one thing: I don't know anything about your marriage or how exactly your wife behaves toward you regarding this issue. But please count your blessings that at least the two of you are together, evidently still love each other, and there is something there still very worthwhile for having moved for. I moved for a man who nwo broke up with me and I can't even get helped back into the practical side of life that I now need to set up alone. I had been counting on dealing with the upheaval as a couple and I now have no relationship and no support at all.

So please try to be glad that you still have your relationship and that it must surely go a long way to making the move worth it, even if she is not quite able to get the immensity of the sense of change, loss and disorientation you feel.
*Repatriated Brit undergoing culture shock with the rest of you!*

Trickynicky42

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #38 on: October 22, 2008, 04:37:55 PM »
well then i offer up my apologies, as I took the literal meaning of what was said.


thats not to say i've never had a bad day, with missing home or being fed up with the british.... I think in the end i remember it was the choice i made, that we made, for us. And in that I find the solice.

Offline Mrs Robinson

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #39 on: October 22, 2008, 05:42:30 PM »
Eh, I moved over just on the verge of turning 40, gave up a job that I loved to plunge into the unknown here (job-wise) - I'm still navigating my way through that one.  Moved to be with DH here in England.  Left sunny southern Florida that I loved for chilly northern England.  There were lots of days I was grumpy and I suppose sometimes resentful back in the beginning 2-3 years for various reasons, but DH made sacrifices as well for me - like paying off some of my US debts for me etc.  At the end of the day, it was my choice to come here though and it meant we could be together - which changed my life 100% for the better in just about every way imaginable.  The times I got too biatchy with DH over it, he reminded me (and rightly so) - that it was my choice to come, and also on a rare occasion or two, that if I was seriously that unhappy, there are airplanes leaving every day for the US.  :)

4 1/2 years later, a bit of perspective and an occasional attitude adjustment - I'm really quite happy here.  And my lifestyle is better here than it was in the US.  I think it just takes time and patience.  *shrugs*
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Offline Mrs. Busby

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #40 on: October 22, 2008, 05:44:48 PM »
Psweeney, you've had a lot of advice already but I wanted to say that by coincidence I moved here on my 40th birthday, and I've been here almost four years now too.  :)

I do know what you mean about it being harder when you're older.  My husband moved to the US when he was something like 27 years old, and I think he found it harder moving back here 15 years later. We had put a lot into building our life together there and it was hard starting over.  While we don't have an inferior standard of living here, moving was a financial sacrifice as well as an emotional sacrifice for us.  I know it's not that way for everyone but it was that way for us.

I could say that I made the bigger sacrifice because it was my husband who really wanted to move, but like Carl and others have said, it was my decision too.  Also after 14 years of marriage I think both my husband and I generally tend to feel we're each the one making the bigger sacrifices, working the hardest, giving the most, etc.  I feel resentful sometimes and he does too, but mostly we both know it equals out and we appreciate having each other.

As far as tips go, I'm just trying to take advantage of all the great things about England and make the most of living here because it's my new home.  I find that the more I build my life here the better I like it.  Luckily there are some aspects of our life here that are better than they've ever been.

Hope things are looking up for you soon!
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Offline QTSMom

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #41 on: October 22, 2008, 06:49:08 PM »
Egads...

Sarcasm never projects well in type.

The King comment was sarcasm.  I do try to keep some sense of humour (note the UK spelling) in these trying times.

I don't expect to be treated better than I treat her.  And yes, yes, yes, we talk about this stuff all the time.  But our spouses can never truly understand what we're going through.  Only someone who's actually done it can.  To be honest I think she's probably sick of hearing about it.  I know I would be.

If you've moved here and you love it, I'm very happy for you.  But for those of us who really would rather be back in the US, but must try to accept things the way they are, it is just not easy.

I don't like feeling this way.  I know its not helpful.  I suppose the post was a vent.  Take note of the hour of the posting as well.

Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm exactly in personal turmoil.  This is like any other long term life problem, there are good days and bad days, but its always there.  Yesterday was a bad day.

Thanks all for you thoughts.


For what it's worth I got your sarcasm and sympathise with your situation :) It's understandable if you feel like you've given up so much for her, and you want to feel like she is willing to make sacrifices for you too.

4 years is a long time to feel that way and you are definitely entitled to a vent now and then.  Do you think if now after you've given it a good go, she may be willing to reconsider?

I hope it all works out for you.

Offline mirrajay

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #42 on: October 22, 2008, 06:58:13 PM »

Not that you've mentioned it, but here is a little tip: there is no way to kill your marriage faster than continually playing the "I gave up everything to move here" card.





I could not agree more and I worry for you if this is really a sticking issue that you bring up often with your wife.  I venture to guess that part of your problem is that you feel emasculated because you based so much of your personal success and worth on how much you earned while you were in America (as many of us Americans tend to do). 
My BF is very concerned that I be exactly as you are, and I deeply hope that is not the case, but do see how it could be for some people.  The fact is that you moved to be with your wife and now you are with her which I would think would make up for the things you are unhappy with in England.  I made a list of 100 things I love about England and sent it to my BF a few days ago and he was SO happy to see that I can see so much potential and appreciate many things about the country and the different way of life.

I suppose its possible that you just dont like the country and you may never like it. And sadly, there is nothing that your wife can do to change the country for you. She can only be there for you and love you and hope that her love is enough to make up for the "shortcomings".  Only you can decide if it is.
 
I wish you the best.

Offline chi_chi_chapi

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #43 on: October 22, 2008, 07:27:30 PM »
Whenever I'm having a hard time with the unfamiliar in the UK it helps me to remember that many people would LOVE to have the opportunities I get to travel and see new places, not to mention to live there and truly experience it. That doesn't necessarily make it easier but it makes it a little more appealing. I try to get out and see things like I would if I were visiting - go walking somewhere or visit a cheap tourist place or just walk around the city centre. Do things that will make for good stories to make all of your friends and family back home jealous! :)

I hope things look up for you!







Offline Cherokee

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Re: Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice
« Reply #44 on: October 22, 2008, 07:45:48 PM »
I know exactly how you feel psweeney. I moved over when I was almost 42 and now am almost 46. I gave up great pay, great insurance, seeing my children, sister, mother and other family members on a very regular basis. I still occasionally have melencholy days pining for what I gave up.

I chose to move to the UK instead of DH moving to the US because of his mother's health problems. I don't want this to sound cold, I'm not, but as has already been said typed words don't come across well. He knows that once his mother is no longer part of the long-term equation I want to move back the US. He is with me on this. I miss my girls and my grandchildren. I miss the US in general. So he sends me home 2x a year so I don't get so homesick.

The choice was mine to move here but I had the same feelings of resentment until I just decided to throw myself into my career here the same as I always did in the states. My DH has no problem with this as he has always known that my career has the potential to go further than his ever can plus he knows that the harder I work and the further I can progress then the better off we'll be when the time comes for us to move back to the US.

I know the choice I made moving here was the right one at the time, even though it doesn't always feel like it. I love a lot of things about the UK and have learned to tolerate and handle the things I don't like. However, it isn't home and never can be for me. Home is where all my loved ones are, including DH.