Resentful for being the one who made the HUGE sacrifice

My DH was the one that moved.  He gave up a lot to be here (the biggest thing being that he left his son behind).  I know that, I appreciate that and I love him even more for what he's done for me.  But I worried for a long time about how he was feeling after he moved here.  I felt a little (lot) pressure too because he had given all of that up for me...me? 

He's had days/weeks when he's been miserable that we've talked about it and days/weeks when he's tried to keep it to himself (he's easy to read). and I'm sure he's had lots of dark times that I haven't known about.

The crap weather is one thing, but the isolation he felt because he had no friends here plus the fact that he wasn't contributing financially for a long time were the worst.  I couldn't/can't relate because I've never been through what he's been through. 

If it's any comfort, he's now been here almost two years and he's a LOT better than he was in the early days.  Sure, he has bad days but on the whole I think he's happy to be here.  I know he's happy to be with me, but the other stuff is falling into place too so that helps.

Just hang on in there and hopefully things will get better.

If not, move back...but be prepared for your wife to go through exactly what you're going through now.

The things you have to do to be together eh! 

Good luck.

(he was 42 when he moved over)

My fiance and I have had to make the same decision that most people on here have made...and that is to decide once we were in the long distance relationship who was going to move where...now I know my fiance well and he is a homebody and he is happiest living in his little town in England..we were both well established in our lives and jobs...him in Devon and me in Pennsylvania...but to us love was the most important thing...and I made the decision to be the one to move...now I have spent 6 months over there and when I first got there I was sure how I would adapt...but you know what...it was our decision that we wanted to be together...and I had to make the most out of my experience..we are currently applying for a visa and eventually once we are married I will live there permanently...and yes I did have to give a lot up to be with him...my family, friends and job...but my family and friends are always going to be there for me and I have made new friends...your life is what you make it...and if you are lucky enough to be with the one you love then that makes it even better...and you should not be holding your wife accountable for your not liking where you live...it sounds to me from your post that you weren't really sure about moving in the first place...that you had to go back and forth to decide...I am sorry you are going thru it and don't like where you are...but you have to decide what you want and what is more important to you...your wife or your high paying job in the states...I thought about it this way before I moved...do I want to stay here with my high paying job where I could make lots of money....or do I want to take a chance and go and live with my fiance...there was no contest ...to be with the man I love is what I wanted...you said you are older then most on here..I am 37 and was well established...but I gave all that up to be with my fiance...and it is all worth it...but again life is what you make of it......
so good luck in whatever you do...but don't blame your wife because you are unhappy and think she owes you...she doesn't...

I don't know if my perspective helps but:

The reason I am here and not in the US is that my husband used to suffer from severe agoraphobia as a consequence of a medical condition. When I met him he had difficulty walking up the street from the flat, let alone travel to America.

Since I arrived 3 1/2 years ago, he has forced himself to travel all over England - and once to Edinburgh- so one day we would be able go to America together and see my family. Finally, we were able to take a trip to the US in August-September of this year.

So he has sacrificed a great deal to make me happy.

On the other hand, I had to wait over three years to see my family. My father died while I was here and I did not get to see him or my family while he was ill, or attend the funeral. (I visited the cemetery when I was in the US this year.) So I have sacrificed, too.

Do I resent my husband for keeping me away from my family for so long? No, I made the choice to be with him rather than get on a plane by myself and leave him alone in the UK. I'm incredibly grateful that he made so much of an effort to travel, despite his fears.

Does he resent me for making him to travel further than he was comfortable?  No, he's thankful that I've given him the incentive to go places and now he can.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it's all in how you look at the situation.

Wow, you got some really lousy responses to your post.  I'm sorry.  It's really hard to be far from home and come here for support on a bad day and get nasty replies.    For what it's worth, I laughed at your King joke. 

Even when our spouses understand on an intellectual level what we've given up to move, they can't ever have an opportunity to understand it on an emotional level.    Even in an ideal move, there is a lot of uncertainty and fear and second-guessing.  It really is the kind of thing that nobody can truly understand until they've done it themselves.  For that reason, I don't think it should be a surprise that your wife doesn't really "get" your sacrifices.

I just turned 30, and I gave up a $90k/yr job to go be in the UK with my husband, who makes a teacher's salary.  I also have a very close family that I'm having a hard time splitting from, whereas his family barely speaks.   I can't honestly say that I don't have days where I wonder if the things I'm giving up have been worth it, and even if they are, if my husband appreciates it.  Not even in a sense of what I've done "for him" (really, "for us") but in a sense of what that experience was like for me and what it's changed about me.  I mean, I know the man loves me to death but I don't think he would have had the fortitude to join me in the US, had the tables been reversed.

I don't have any sage advice to offer you.   Just wanted you to know that there was someone else out here who feels the same as you sometimes.  I think it probably goes away as you slowly build a life there and discover what you DO love about the UK.   (I know so many locals will raise an eyebrow at the standard of living crack, but the fact is that one man's trash is another man's treasure, and it's unreasonable to expect that someone else's idea of good living needs to equate with yours.)

First off, I feel like there was an obvious elephant in the room on this subject...why did you not discuss early on in the relationship who would be moving where?  My hubby and I talked about several issues (moving being the most obvious one) long before we were in a serious relationship.  That way, if we could not come to a desirable solution to the "distance problem" (and other issues between us), we could break things off early on and not be so heart-broken later on.  I can't imagine being in an overseas relationship for any lengthy amount of time without facing that demon.  But that's just me.

A question I had for you:  did your wife ever imply that she was going to move to the US and then back out?  You said you had fought about it for a long time.  Did she make it clear to you from the beginning that she wasn't going to move or was that an afterthought?  If she did imply she was going to move and then backed out, I can understand a little better why you might have more resentment than others. 

Another point I wanted to make is this:  when you are talking to your wife about this, make sure you are not using the sarcastic tone you were trying to use in your post.  I have learned that the way you word things (and your tone) can make a world of difference when trying to communicate with your spouse.  For instance, if my hubby is late from work and I say "Why are you late?" that is going to be received differently than if I say "Did you guys get behind at work and have to stay a little late?"  See what I mean?  If you are approaching her with things like "You don't understand how I feel because I sacrificed everything to be with you", she is not going to be very understanding to your situation...because she's going to be too busy being defensive because she feels like you are attacking her.  You can say the same thing, but in a less accusatory tone and wording...try something like this: "I love you more than anything, and I don't regret all the things I gave up to be with you because you are worth it.  But at the same time, sometimes I don't like living in the UK and I miss the things I left behind."  I don't know how you are communicating with her, but it sounds to me like your attitude is a bit on the negative side, and I'm sure that is projected (even if subconsciously) when you are discussing the issue with her. 

Lastly, I would just say not to dwell on the negative and the things you gave up...try to focus on the positive.  Even if you hate the UK, you have to admit that it offers many of opportunities you would not have in the US.  If all else fails and you can see no happiness in the UK in sigh, perhaps you need a divorce and move back to the US so you can be happy. 

I worry that I might be resentful when the time comes to move over to the UK. 

My fiancé and I have been together for five years.  That's a lot of time together and even more time apart.  For various reasons, we have decided not to live in the United States, and while I am somewhat excited about the adventure, I'm also very unhappy about all the things I'll be losing over here.  I have two nieces and a nephew whom I am used to seeing daily, a close family, good friends and excellent job prospects.  I am less than thrilled about my earning potential in the UK.  I'm really unhappy about how much property (the kind with actual grass) costs in comparison to how much I am likely to make.  While I love some of the food, I'm really going to miss proper pizza and Mexican food.  And there are so many "small" cultural things that are just so foreign and strange that I hardly know how I'm supposed to deal with them.

I love my fiancé very much and I'm certain that this is the right decision for us (for now), but that doesn't stop me from sometimes feeling angry or bitter and expecting a heck of a lot of support from him.  I can't even imagine how unhappy I would be likely to feel at times if I was moving even though I thought it was the wrong decision.

I can't offer any marriage advice, because clearly I'm not there yet.  All I can do is tell you that I understand why you might feel resentful.  You have given up a lot, and I don't think it's completely unreasonable to expect your sacrifices to be appreciated.  That being said, I would feel it a huge burden to be responsible for the happiness of another. 

So, the sum up, while I think you have every right to expect validation of your feelings from your wife, finding a way to change them is still in your court.

Wow.  I don't think that was helpful at all . . .

So I (US hubby in UK) and new wife did the LDR thing for a while.  We battled over who would move (I lost).  I've been here 4 years now, and still can't adjust to the inferior standard of living, the fact I'm so far away from family, and that she doesn't treat me like a King because I made the sacrifice.

I know I shouldn't be resentful but I am...  Can anyone relate?

That's interesting that you say you "lost" by having to move here. That suggests neither was open to a move.

It was different for us, we were both open to moving but weighed up the pros and cons, work etc and came to a mutual decision that it was better for her to move here....in terms of each others work, ease of visa applications, housing etc, but still being open about a move to the US at some point.
So I don't see that there would be resentment as nobody forced the other to move.

In fact we joked before we decided, based on how I felt about the US and DW about UK, that whoever lost the decision where to move would have to stay put!

  While I love some of the food, I'm really going to miss proper pizza

It's ok - we are just a quick flight from Italy!

It's ok - we are just a quick flight from Italy!

Neither of my sisters were impressed with Italian pizza, and considering our similar tastes, I doubt I would be either.  Give me New York-style Pizza any day.

I will try to learn to adjust, though.   

Neither of my sisters were impressed with Italian pizza, and considering our similar tastes, I doubt I would be either.  Give me New York-style Pizza any day.

But Italian pizza is proper pizza.

I worry that I might be resentful when the time comes to move over to the UK. 

My fianc� and I have been together for five years.  That's a lot of time together and even more time apart.  For various reasons, we have decided not to live in the United States, and while I am somewhat excited about the adventure, I'm also very unhappy about all the things I'll be losing over here.  I have two nieces and a nephew whom I am used to seeing daily, a close family, good friends and excellent job prospects.  I am less than thrilled about my earning potential in the UK.  I'm really unhappy about how much property (the kind with actual grass) costs in comparison to how much I am likely to make.  While I love some of the food, I'm really going to miss proper pizza and Mexican food.  And there are so many "small" cultural things that are just so foreign and strange that I hardly know how I'm supposed to deal with them.

I love my fianc� very much and I'm certain that this is the right decision for us (for now), but that doesn't stop me from sometimes feeling angry or bitter and expecting a heck of a lot of support from him.  I can't even imagine how unhappy I would be likely to feel at times if I was moving even though I thought it was the wrong decision.

I can't offer any marriage advice, because clearly I'm not there yet.  All I can do is tell you that I understand why you might feel resentful.  You have given up a lot, and I don't think it's completely unreasonable to expect your sacrifices to be appreciated.  That being said, I would feel it a huge burden to be responsible for the happiness of another. 

So, the sum up, while I think you have every right to expect validation of your feelings from your wife, finding a way to change them is still in your court.

Wow.  I don't think that was helpful at all . . .

There are some serious red flags in this post...are you sure you should be moving to the UK and separating yourself from your family, which you are obviously close to and see daily?  And do you think you can be content to go from daily contact to possibly once once a year?

But Italian pizza is proper pizza.

I was so excited to have it last summer for the first time. Unfortunately it didn't meet my expectations. The one I had in Pisa was ok, but still not the best I've ever had... I was surprised since the other food I had was really good (esp the gelato! Mmmmmmmm!!!)

There are some serious red flags in this post...are you sure you should be moving to the UK and separating yourself from your family, which you are obviously close to and see daily?  And do you think you can be content to go from daily contact to possibly once once a year?

Hmm.  Honestly, I don't think it's the ideal situation, but it is the best option at this point in time.  My fiance has been consistently supportive and perfectly willing to move to the US, throughout.  We have addressed most of my concerns together and any anger or bitterness I felt has dissipated leaving a dull excitement.  I will miss my family, but at this point, I would miss them anyway, since both sisters (and thus nieces and nephew) have decided to move much too far away.

I'm just generally wary of change.  I'm a worrier, and I'm slow to warm to new ideas.  By the time I actually move, I'll have warmed to the idea.  It's part of the reason why I started researching months before we even began discussing a wedding date.  When I feel like I know everything I can and I have prepared myself for every possibility I can think of, I'll be ready.  Although, to be fair, without the support and understanding of my fiance, I probably would never have become comfortable with the idea of moving.

But Italian pizza is proper pizza.

Italians may have created pizza, but New Yorkers perfected it.   

Italians may have created pizza, but New Yorkers perfected it.�  � 

It's the water.

Actually, Italian pizza is like pizza everywhere -- you gotta know where to buy it. Not all of the places are gonna make a spectacular pie.

I've had some in Rome that I thought was fantastic. Every pie I had in San Remo was ehh at best.