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Topic: Married to a PhD student  (Read 10951 times)

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Married to a PhD student
« on: October 18, 2009, 09:48:02 PM »
I never realized how frustrating it is to be married to a PhD student. My husband has been at school the whole time we dated (first his bachelors at Cambridge, then his masters at Edinburgh) and is now a 2nd year PhD student.

Things I wish I had realized before:

-Late nights are common, as are early mornings.
-Breakfast and lunch are optional, especially if you have deadlines.
-Typing can be the most annoying sound at 3am.

Oh, I'm sure I have more but those three come to mind now.

Anyone else live with someone doing a PhD? Am I the only one who HATES hearing typing at 3am? I can't be the only one!!
Met in person - 07/10/06
Began dating - 15/04/07
Married - 17/08/09
Arrived in St Andrews with cat and husband: 13/09/09


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2009, 10:38:22 PM »
ha! All I can say, is wait till he's a PostDoc--then he also gets to spend time away at conferences, spend nights up till all hours getting ready for said conferences, AND still have a lengthy and irregular schedule.

It does get a bit better once they're past the defence of the thesis though--at least that stress is gone!

I do like that he has a fairly flexible schedule in terms of holidays...


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2009, 10:43:06 PM »
Ha! He's been to a few conferences, but they were pre-wedding (except for the one the day before I arrived!). So far he hasn't had any since we've been married, and I just asked him when the next one is and he "doesn't know". Hopefully not for a while!

And I do NOT look forward to him defending his thesis. Not at all. How did you survive, Jennie?

However, I've enjoyed the flexibility he has as a PhD student in terms of holidays. He missed the most important conference of the year.. His excuse? It was our wedding day. His supervisor said that he was the only one with a "plausible excuse" for not being there. It was amusing. :)
Met in person - 07/10/06
Began dating - 15/04/07
Married - 17/08/09
Arrived in St Andrews with cat and husband: 13/09/09


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2009, 11:11:40 PM »
Hmm, well, as for surviving the defence--I varied between offering freshly-baked cookies (I, ahem, go into baking mode when there is stress around me) and offering to yell at his supervisors for overworking him. I think it helped relieve his stress that I was stalking around the house (with cookies) all annoyed at his examiners. He ate the cookies; he didn't really need me to yell.  ;D

It helped that I am genuinely fascinated by what he's working on (Physics) so we could talk about his thesis and work out some things together but, yeah, I mostly kept my head down and proffered chocolate chip cookies.

The conferences! I think marriage (or funeral) is basically the only way out!  At one point, my husband flew in from Spain, was home for two days, and then flew out to Poland.  It seems to have calmed down a bit, at least through the holidays I hope. I *miss* him when he's gone--although I do tend to go to the gym and scrub the house down for lack of anything else to do--so at least it's clean and I'm sort of in shape!

Seriously, I have had, a few time, to remind him that he's not living by himself anymore, and that I would like to see him more than ten minutes at a time really late at night.  He's gotten better (we now set aside Saturdays to hang out ALL day together and don't run errands or anything), but he did get used to a really hectic schedule while he was living alone, and he has had to adjust it a bit. I think they can work the PostDocs and PhD students unbelievably hard, so having someone in their corner reminding them to go outside and take a walk is a good thing. 


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2009, 11:40:08 PM »
Funny you say you offered cookies. :D One day last week he met me in town, as I was walking home, and spent the whole twenty minutes walking just ranting about working. When we got near home I left (I REALLY wanted vanilla extract to make some cookies for him, but failed to find any!). Instead, I proceeded to make an oreo milkshake and take it to him. I also offered to yell at his supervisor, or send mean emails. He declined my gracious offer!

And, honestly, I hate what he's working on. I don't understand it, I have no desire to understand it, and I just smile and nod. (He's doing computer science).

And, I do not look forward to the conferances! However, I'm glad you have a day for just you! I bet it really helps. Luckily, he's only a 2nd year, so it's not as frantic as your husband's postdoc work.. I do not envy next year!
Met in person - 07/10/06
Began dating - 15/04/07
Married - 17/08/09
Arrived in St Andrews with cat and husband: 13/09/09


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2009, 12:10:31 AM »
I found the tiniest bottle of vanilla at our local Tesco's--and I think the Sainsbury's carries it--but I did bring a HUGE bottle of it back with me the last time I went over. The extract at Tesco's was in oil (not alcohol), and it's just not the same!

It amazes me how hard they all work. He's in quite a dynamic department, and they all work like crazy people. 

I think the main thing we can both do is the cookies and the offers to beat up the examiners  ;)--It also cracks my (more reserved) British husband up when I start gesticulating and getting annoyed with his supervisors.  They're actually very nice men, but I DO think they work my DH too hard!  ;D

I *hope* it's nicer for him to have me here.  At least he eats better! And the house is clean! Plus, I like to think that he finds me an entertaining stress-relief.


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2009, 01:14:39 AM »
I. Hate. Conferences.

I guess I'm out of the loop a little bit, because my husband (an academic) is past the hectic student days, and his life is easier in a lot of respects to the lives of my friends that are still slogging through their PhD. But conferences genuinely suck. He's gone about once a month (sometimes twice a month) for a couple of days apiece, and I miss him so much when he's gone. We've had a few throw-down fights about it, but I always lose because I'm going into the same field and understand that he needs to go. Honestly, I think I'm jealous of his success more than anything else. :-\\\\

As for 3am typing... as a student, I still have to say that doing the typing might be worse than hearing it. Sigh.
Jen





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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #7 on: October 19, 2009, 01:06:11 PM »
Jennie - I finally found a really small bottle in Morrisons but now I'm afraid to try it! I'd be really bummed if I spent all that time making cookies (I suck at it!) and they turn out bad!

And, I think I'll continue what I'm doing and hope it helps. I mean, now he eats (and not take away!) and I wash clothes and clean and everything is all tidy. Plus, I think the cat (mine) helps him destress. He's such a kid with my kitty!

Cellar Door - Heh, I guess I'm a bit out of it too - as I couldn't care less about his degree  (anymore than he can care about mine!) We have many things in common, academia is not one of them. :) However, Iain agrees that doing the typing is worse than hearing it. But I still claim it's the other way around! I never minded doing papers at 3 or 4 am (as I'd just go to bed for a few hours, get up, and do it) but he works straight through. I think that's why we are different!
Met in person - 07/10/06
Began dating - 15/04/07
Married - 17/08/09
Arrived in St Andrews with cat and husband: 13/09/09


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2009, 02:01:11 AM »
There are keyboards that do not make noise! I have had one before, and I quite liked it. For one example see:
http://www.gadgets.co.uk/item/USBRK/USB-Flexible-Portable-Rubber-Keyboard.html

Academia is a special version of hell. But, overall, my husband and I are happy. I quite like the conference bit. I like having time without the hubby. When he's the one gone, I can cook the food I like, I can watch programs he loathes in peace, I can leave dirty dishes in the sink for a little bit longer. The conferences tire him out--but, not as much as they used to.

PhD students need time to learn how to cope. Also, there are a lot of little things to learn to make conferences more pleasant-- having light gear to take when travelling, and that means decent wheelie suitcase, always small bottles for shampoo, etc, a light laptop, perhaps a few teabags and a decent water bottle (I love my nalgene from the us--holds hot or cold!).

A student who can work at 3 AM is more likely the person who'll survive... the hours will change, of course!

Best wishes,
Dr. Rutabega


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #9 on: October 25, 2009, 02:18:32 AM »
I quite like the conference bit. When he's the one gone... I can leave dirty dishes in the sink for a little bit longer.

Ok, I confess... this is the one pleasurable aspect of conferences.  ;)
Jen





  • Jewlz
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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #10 on: October 25, 2009, 06:15:28 AM »
Yep, this thread confirms that I am never going in for a PhD. Thanks for helping me decide my future, ladies.  ;D


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2009, 03:49:10 PM »
http://www.gadgets.co.uk/item/USBRK/USB-Flexible-Portable-Rubber-Keyboard.html

Iain has a DAS keyboard. He'd rather cut out a kidney than use another!

But, I've not had too much conference experience (luckily!) however I do admit to liking when he's gone, because then I have a break to do my stuff in peace ;-)

Jewlz - haha, I actually *want* to do a PhD still! However, way way way in the future.
Met in person - 07/10/06
Began dating - 15/04/07
Married - 17/08/09
Arrived in St Andrews with cat and husband: 13/09/09


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Re: Married to a PhD student
« Reply #12 on: October 26, 2009, 09:56:03 PM »
HA, so for me, conferences are a chance to finally have a CLEAN flat. No dishes in the washing up bowl, no towels lying about drying.  AND I scrub the bathroom--no man hairs to mess it up!

I do like being able to get up and do whatever, though.

Still, I miss him.  I'm considering a PhD, but I might get mine through publication instead.


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