Making life normal

For those who may not be aware, my fiancée is still living in America and we are still going through all the legal issues regarding marriage and authorisation to live here in England. I'm sure many members have already gone through this and know exactly all the hurdles you have to jump over and how frustrating it can all be.
Even more important is the separation that you have to endure whilst all this takes place and because of other complications, my fiancée and I have been apart for nearly two years (including our visits to each other)
I was reflecting on our relationship and how we were managing to keep some form of sanity in our lives. Most of our contact is via the internet, using NetMeeting and also the occasional phone call. What seems to have developed is that we act and behave as if we were in the same room, quite domesticated at times. Whilst remaining on line with webcams, we'll go off and do various chores for 15 - 30 minutes or so, making meals, getting cuppas, starting washing machine etc. When we are in the mood, we read to each other, currently we are in the middle of a book called 'Boogie up the River'. We exchange comments about what our news programs are showing, and that can be interesting in the way each country reports its news.
We do also have our 'sweet moments'  
Quite often we take photos of events in our daily lives that are of interest and we send them to each other whilst online. I must remember to send the pic of the new shed I've just built - lol - is that sad or what!!
None of these, of course, fulfil the need to be with each other but they do enable us to make some sense of our love and a semblance of normality. It is getting harder as each month passes as the frustration increases but no doubt we will adapt and manage.
How did others who had to endure this situation manage their relationships ?
What worked for you and what pitfalls did you come across ?
It would be interesting to hear other members comments and who knows, it can be a life saver (or should that be relationship saver) to others.

Hmmm.  All I can contribute to this is the fact that it is possible and people do make it through.  My husband and I faced the battle of US INS to get him to the USA.  Of course we spent almost two years apart in the meantime.  (From when we met to the time we tied the knot).

I think the only thing you can do is to use all of the wonderful technology that is available and to talk as often as you can.  Simply things like a surprise letter in the mail or flowers via interflora or FTD can make a day go by faster.  

My husband and I just did little things in addition to online chatting, phone calls, letters and emails to keep things going while we were apart.  Did it make things easier?  Well, looking back it did.  

I remember that the hardest times were at airports -having to say see you later when all you wanted to do was stay.  Or when something happened.. graduation... birthdays... holidays.

It was then I would look over and think...I wish he was here.  

I can also say that it makes each day that you do spend together precious.  We always remember how it was when we were apart.  Even when we disagree.  

The long separation and the struggle to be together serves in many cases as a tie.  

It has for us.

Because we wrote letters and sent pictures in the mail we now have physical momento of the time apart.  Sometimes I just pull out old poems and letters and think back to those days when the blue divide (husbands term) separated us.

Just hang in there and remember to savour each touch and each day.

I might also add that if a relationship is strong enough to weather time and distance then you know it will weather the vagaries of life. Not to mention those dirty socks balled up in the corner!  (Not that my husband does this of course!)  

Hi vnicepeeps

Thanks for replying  
It is the little, special things that you do that keep the relationship 'sparking' but it does get hard when all you want is to be together.
We know exactly what you mean regarding airports. Michele and I have a really hard time with that and it starts right from the beginning of the day you are saying goodbye again.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say if you can survive 2 years apart, then there should be little difficulty in remaining together, as it does strengthen the relationship. It does make you realise just how much you love someone.

I'm saving my socks for Michele

Looking back now, I wish we'd had as many of the internet features available then as there are now, we relied mostly on email, several a day, short good morning notes, and long evening essays on our days. It would have been wonderful to have the webcams, though we did use chat if our schedules allowed, and a few online chess games too. Phone calls were limited because it was much more expensive then. It was difficult, but we got through it.

Somewhere I have a copies of every email he sent me, and he has the copies of all of mine, there are thousands from the 2.5 years we were apart. The poems he wrote, I read them occasionally too. (and then ask why he doesn't write them to me anymore!)

The first time we met in real life, was one of the best moments of my life, I remember it like yesterday. Everyone should have an experience as wonderful as I had.

And the goodbyes, they were heartbreaking, only I started to get upset about halfway through the visit duration, as there was less time left. It's actually the same for me now when my family come to visit, or I visit them.

Leah, we won't even get into that poem thing...have not seen one in a while either.  

Phoenix, be happy that you don't have to deal with INS here in the US.  I think that is worse than trying to get her over to the UK.  It took us 6 months to even get the fiancé visa. Which involved them asking for further proof of a relationship.  (I'm convinced that they had it sitting on some clerical desk until they got the call from the politician’s office and the head of my local INS.) Lucky me had a classmate who worked for INS!  An aside for anyone dealing with immigration: make sure everything is in order affidavits, bank statements, tons of pictures, copies of letters, poems, and the whole nine yards.

My point....yes there is one..  Is that the worst part for us was knowing things were in process to bring us together, but that external forces controlled it all.  

It's wanting to scream, but not being able to have a face or real person to do that to.  

My advice, make an immigration voodoo doll... but don't poke pins in it... kiss it every night... tell it how grateful you'll be to get the paperwork processed......love it become one with it...Okay getting carried away there...

Honestly... I think the main thing is to vent.  Vent on here, vent to friends and family... just talk to people.  

Being able to talk to others who have gone through it eliminates the isolation you can feel at times.

Okay there is my two cents for the day.

Pamela

Hi all,  I am Phoenix's better half (Michele)...  Thought I would stop in for a few minutes.  first I must add....  Yeah!, what ever happened to all those poems???  LOL!  I am not even there yet and they dropped off a while back.  

It has now been 2 1/2 years since we have been living our relationship apart....  and it will be 2 years on May 25 since Tom (Phoenix) and I became engaged...  Tom will be the first to tell you that I can drive him nuts from my having LDDS...  I think he will also have to admit that since our legal issues have finally started moving forward the last month or so I have settled down a lot and working towards my move and our wedding in the near future.

The word Patience and I have had a love hate relationship for so long that I believe I am teaching patience now on how to be patient...   :-/   Deep thank you's go to my strong, sensible and very loving man.  He has managed to put up with my insane crazed rantings for a long time...  always managing to find the calm side of me to come out... and even though we have had to live our relationship apart so far, I know being with Tom has made me so much a better person...  Thank you Baby!

Tom has saved most of my emails and writings to him as I have also... We have a book here of our first 1.5 years complete with all emails, poems, and cards.  I have been bad with it the past year, but I still save and print off our ecards to each other.  I actually keep his snail mail writing with me all the time in my napsack...  the first mailings of our relationship as well as his motorcycle neck scarf...  they just make me feel closer to him knowing they are with me...  

We will be fine, wonderful in fact. My fears of the never ending seperation are finally subsiding and even though our times on the net are very sparse now.  The end is near in sight and I have been able to lay right down next to patience and smile towards the future.

Hopefully we will never have to say goodbye at an airport with...  Those days are the worst...  normally I begin to cry as soon as we get up.

Leah, I was reading your reply... it showed me just how lucky Tom and I are to have the advantage of the many things you two did not.  Being able to sit on the cam when we meet is not the same as being together, but it is a great help...  LOL!, we actually treat it as though we are together...  I have my computer on my kitchen counter and I will do my mundane daily chores as we talk...  like laundry, cooking, packing my lunch, writing out my bills...  It has actually been very helpful since I moved computer here...  before, we were both getting antsy...wanting to be together, spending whatever time possible... yet despising the fact that we were both locked into a seat, staring at a monitor screen.

Tom has been reading a couple of books to me over the past winter and it has been excellent...  he has a talent for reading that is so enchanting and exceptional that you just want to listen to him forever.  I wish I could convince him to find a way to do books on tape...  

anyway, being apart stinks completely... finding ways to occupy yourselves on the cam can be very frustrating...but I am sure glad we had it...  and I know we are both looking forward to the days that we can look back and gain strength from the knowledge of what we went through to be together.

Ok, off I go to end a day of packing...  a terrible chore that has a happy ending.

Michele and Tom,

Just wanted to say how much you guys sound like my husband and I!  I also just wanted to wish you the best and may you have many happy days together ahead!

Pamela

Thank You Pamela...  I will take your wish, and hold it close to Tom, and I.

Hi Pamela
I echo Micheles sentiments. Thank you for your kind wishes and I know we will get to the end of our separation without too many mishaps  
We are expecting to be married and being together in a couple of months time - so, we are nearly there. It is heartening to know others have gone through all this and still come out the other end together and smiling.
Thanks
Tom

How did you all meet your partners. Also with all of you getting married when you get to the Uk can you get a job? I would aslo like to wish you all good luck.

dresden  

Hello Dresden

Michele and I first met on the internet in a community group. We didn't actually meet (as it were) till Michele organised a community weekend and came over here and rented a cottage nearby. The 'get together' at the cottage was over the Bank holiday weekend and a big barbeque was arranged for everyone. We got on very well and our relationship developed. Since then, we've fallen in love and will be married this year.
Here in Northumberland, it is easy to get certain types of work but if you have a profession or skill, it can take longer. There are regulations regarding working, depending upon circumstances,  but there is information regarding this on the site and I'm also sure many members will be able to inform you of them better than I can.
Thank you for your good wishes   and I hope everything is well with you

Tom

Hi Phoenix,

Wow someone else that meet there partner on the internet. I thought i was the only one. I feel a little weird saying that i have meet my love on the internet. We no that we want to be together but we are both women and to do that we just cant get married and man i wish it were that easy and all of the site that i have been to really dont give any information. Thanks Phoenix for answering my question.

Take Care
Dresden  

Hi Dresden...
I've got a few links here where they discuss immigration questions for same-sex partnerships.  Hope these help!

http://www.britain-info.org/visas/guidance/Common_Law&Same_Sex.asp

http://uk.gay.com/boards/list.php?f=15

http://www.hansenhome.demon.co.uk/leave.html

Thank you so much Badger. I will take a look at them right now. I hope it answers my questions.


Thanks again
Dresden  

I think that part of my life was such a whirlwind and I am so glad to be beyond it, that the memories are now such a blur. "Did I really do that?" However, in the recesses of my memories it does stand out someone telling me that it's too bad that my (now) husband isn't a woman, or that we don't have a same-sex relationship, because the process for that is so much easier. What the process is, I don't know.