Author Topic: Need some advice... My husband is drinking a lot, claims it's his culture.  (Read 4444 times)

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Offline LaraMascara

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This is some general information on High Functioning Alcoholics:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-functioning_alcoholic
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Offline Fallgal

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I was just going to post about high functioning alcoholics but see Lara already posted about them.

My DH's father and my late husband's mother both drank as much and as often as your husband does. DH's father died at 59. My late husband's mother died at 60. Their livers just gave up. He may function fine now, he may blame it on his culture, but is he aware of the long-term effects?
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Offline Courtney

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You say you have thought about leaving but that you love him. What do you love about him today?

You knew he drank in college but said you thought he would grow out of it. But he didn't so now what?

I'm sorry if I am harsh, but I grew up with an alcoholic step father and it seriously f-ed with my life.

If I were you, I would walk now before you have children. Find someone who prefers your company and wants to grow old with you.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but only you can choose your future. You cannot and will not ever change him. Only he can do that. Good luck!
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Offline LaraMascara

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I have often been told that it is not a good idea to make any major, life changing decisions when I am really upset.
I have been told it is very hard for anyone to think straight when they are feeling upset, and therefore it is hard for anyone to make healthy decisions.
I know that is true for me.
Supposedly it is better to take some time and gain perspective. Gather information. It was suggested to me that I first try and communicate with people... Either by talking calmly to the person I am having an issue with, or talking with someone who has been through a similar situation, or even maybe talking to a professional, if need be.
I have found that to work well for me. (Although it is not always easy to do! LOL!)

Maybe that would work for you too?

Anyway, you could think about it... As an option...
“It was when I realised I had a new nationality: I was in exile. I am an adulterous resident: when I am in one city, I am dreaming of the other. I am an exile; citizen of the country of longing.” ― Suketu Mehta.

Married 04/13/11, in NYC.
Applied for Spouse Visa the following week, with express service, and I was approved 4 days later!
Arrived in the UK 05/20/11.
I took the stupid LIUK Test Oct. 2012.
We were granted ILR In Person in Croydon on 04/23/13.
Got BRP 2 days later, in mail box - it just appeared.

NEXT: The lil' red passpo

MaryKate

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You say you have thought about leaving but that you love him. What do you love about him today?

You knew he drank in college but said you thought he would grow out of it. But he didn't so now what?

I'm sorry if I am harsh, but I grew up with an alcoholic step father and it seriously f-ed with my life.

If I were you, I would walk now before you have children. Find someone who prefers your company and wants to grow old with you.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but only you can choose your future. You cannot and will not ever change him. Only he can do that. Good luck!

This...always this.

My alcoholic continues to ruin my life, every time I think I'm totally free of him, something he planted in my head comes back around to prey on me, and yes he went to work every single day and no, I don't think he drank as much as 50 beer a week, well he did get much worse than that but it took decades.

 

Offline kawibear

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Alcohol *is* a huge part of the Scottish culture.  And your friends won't be able to understand that.  

But 50 pints a week, with a wife sitting home on her own?  He is taking the piss and he can't blame that on his culture.

I agree with this whole heartedly. 

I (as an American) found it odd when I visited Glasgow for the first time.  I remember walking past what I thought was a cafe at 11 am with people drinking big jugs of beer.  Turns out, they were beer gardens and there was no shortage of people in them at all times of the day / night. 

With that being said, I sincerely believe it to be part of the Scottish culture. In America if you drink at 11 am you're an alcoholic.  So certain things just don't translate well. 

If you try to look at it objectively, irrespective of if you're American or Scottish, drinking that much for that long while their other half is at home alone is not ideal.

In my experiences, the more people "nag" or try to control you, the more you want to do whatever it is.  The only advice I could give is try to give him some space and share your feelings with him when you are both calm (and sober).  Men are stubborn (I'm a man, I can talk)  :P but you can't exactly "bully" someone into sharing your views.   

I faced the same issues that you have but I managed to dissuade my Scottish partner from smoking and drinking.  I just explained to him that I worry about the long term health effects although you did the same to no avail. 

I mean no disrespect with anything I've said ("nag" or "bully"), but realistically that's how he may see it.  In any case, best of luck and keep your head up!

Offline woadgrrl

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My husband is Scottish, I'm American, and lately he's been drinking what I consider excessive amounts of alcohol, but he claims it's his culture...

It is his culture.  A culture of rampant alcoholism, but where no one is an 'Alcoholic.'  I mean, I'm from Wisconsin, and grew up in a family of heavy drinkers/alcoholics, and what I see here still shocks me.

My MIL is drunk nearly every night, as are several other members of the family (though not my husband, thankfully).  And although she'll mention with great disapproval how much those other people drink (i.e. all the damned time), if you try to say any of them is an alcoholic, or even that they have a drinking problem, she starts hemming and hawing and saying 'oh, I don't know about that. What does that even mean, anyway,' and she always makes sure she's got several bottles of whatever they like best when they come to visit.  She gives bottles of whisky to men who are known for drinking until the pee blood, and yet won't admit that maybe they have a problem!

I really feel for you.  I know how frustrating it can be, as I grew up with an alcoholic father.  But I'm afraid I don't have any magic method to 'fix' him.  I think people don't change until they're ready to.  And for some people, that never happens. 

The only thing you can do is let him know (in as calm and non-confrontational a way as possible) how his behaviour makes you feel, and how you feel it's affecting your relationship. I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums; I think they generally backfire.  But you need to define, for yourself, where your limits are.  What are you willing to accept?  What would an acceptable compromise look like, to you?  And then decide what you need to do for yourself if a compromise can't be reached, or if his behavior crosses that line. 

Good luck. : /

Offline hatsumomo

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Where my husband is from in the South (Tennessee) people habitually drink all day long and no one blinks an eye.  I'm Scottish and 50 beers a week is not 'cultural'.  Anyone who drinks that much after their student years would definitely be frowned upon in my experience.  

I think the cultural thing is a cop out tbh.  Scottish people often like a drink but 50 a week is not cultural or normal for most.  

Offline lorriekeith

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I have been around alcoholics in my life and now being over here I am still amazed at how many people I see openly suffering with it. I have befriended on person who we literally took him to hospital one day as we found him standing outside a Tesco as yellow as an olympic gold torch. I had never seen anyone look like that. The doctors said he probably would have gone home (if he made it that far) and died that night.

I was staying in a small town and since finding him I have also lost another female friend who used to come into the charity shop where I worked. She was just 50 and now she has gone down the same route.

Bottom line is- if these people won't accept help for themselves. You need to do what's best for YOU.....and that's not being selfish- but you need to realize they won't change for you- they have to do it for themselves first...

You need to survive...

Offline MandyBoo

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In the end all we can do is give you options. The decision has to be yours on what you'd like to do. I have a bunch of alcoholics in my lovely American family, and lemme tell ya, it doesn't really matter if it's their culture or not. So I'm wondering why people keep informing you that it is Scottish culture when it doesn't matter. He IS an alcoholic, THAT is what is this whole post is about. My uncle is a horrible alcoholic and abused me verbally harshly; ah, memories, huh.

You cannot help those that don't want to be helped, if I were you I would try to get out of the situation. But, this is all your call. Trying to get him to stop isn't going to do much good from what I've heard at my meetings. We use the word "detachment" a lot, but I know that might be incredibly hard. I attend an Al-Alon meeting every Tuesday to help me emotionally deal with all the sh*t he's done to me and emotionally deal with a bunch of other druggies in my family, too. It is one of the things I most look forward to since there are a bunch of people that understand what I've gone through. I sincerely hope you can both get help! Much love being sent to you, I hope you keep us updated on what's going on..

Offline LadyV

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I work in the drug and alcohol field here in the UK, and I have seen more than my fair share of lives and families destroyed by alcohol. And yes, a fair number of them have been scottish lives adn families.

I find it sad to see people on here staying that hard drinking is a scottish thing, as if it is something to be explained away. So many of my clients thought they had a handle on their drinking, that they could stop whenever they wanted, that it was a cultural thing, but many of them are now accepting that they many a series of bad choices, day in day out, drink after drink, which has now led them to where they are.