Hard to be far away

During times of loss it is so hard to be far away and not be near those that are mourning. I just spoke to my best friend and her son is dying at the age of 25. He has had a rough couple years of heart troubles and this week things all went bad- he is legally brain dead they are just waiting to turn the machines off. I consider him my nephew- (my best friend is also my ex's cousin) I babysat him full time when he was a toddler and took most family vacations with him when our kids were little. I can't imagine what she is going through-- I just want to give her a hug!

Hugs.  Some days we feel REALLY far away.  I'll be thinking of you, your friend, and her family. 

Hugs.  Some days we feel REALLY far away.  I'll be thinking of you, your friend, and her family. 

Thanks

Hugs from me too. I can't imagine what it is like for you to be so far away. I lost a great aunt while we were living in the UK, and although we weren't incredibly close, I did love her and it was hard to be far away.

I lost my sister on July 5th, and in the middle of all the chaotic thoughts when I first found out, one that stood out was the thought of "At least I don't have to fly back from England". I think it was always somewhere in the back of my mind, small, but there, being concerned about losing someone and having to fly back, the whole time we were there.

Be there as much as you can with calls, texts, emails, Skype, and any other 'long distance' ways you can. Sometimes that connection is nearly as good as a hug.

I'm so sorry and I hope you can find a way to help your friend through this difficult time.

Thanks all...I think the most difficult bit is knowing when she wants company and when she wants to be left alone-- it is so much easier to judge that in person!!! They removed life support last night....he is now completely gone

Even more hugs coming. Letting go is the hardest part.

I have found that asking is the easiest way to know if a person needs to talk or not. Even from a distance, you can ask if she needs to talk or needs a distraction. Even when grief is fresh, a distraction can help.

My sympathies to you and your friend.  Even though your friend has seen this coming it will be tough for her.  And, I have to say having been there, you never really get over losing a child.  I don't know what she's like but she may well withdraw from things but she will still need the support of loyal friends.

Thanks for sharing your own experience. I know this is a loss that will never go away-- and I am feeling at the moment she is surrounded by support- so I have let her know I am here..I drop a quick message daily ...but I plan to do more calling and more support in the upcoming days, weeks, months years...when the immediate support dies down. I admit selfishly I am finding it hard, because I want to talk about him and remember the little boy that was such a huge part of my life, but no one here knows him and I just feel a bit alone.

The awkward thing is that when you've had a loss a lot of people will just ignore the issue.  Why?  Because they think it will make you feel bad (as if you didn't already)?  Because they don't want to feel bad themselves?  They'll send cards or flowers or even mutter "so sorry" to you but you need to feel you don't have to put a brave face on.  I had a colleague who'd lost her husband and I made a point of having coffee with her a couple times and we did talk about the Elephant in the Room.  And wept.  I think it's a relief not to pretend that you're doing OK.

I'm so very sorry HG.    You're a good friend and I am sure your friend appreciates your messages.  Hard is an understatement in this kind of situation.  (((hugs))) to you and your friend. 

The awkward thing is that when you've had a loss a lot of people will just ignore the issue.  Why?  Because they think it will make you feel bad (as if you didn't already)?  Because they don't want to feel bad themselves?  They'll send cards or flowers or even mutter "so sorry" to you but you need to feel you don't have to put a brave face on.  I had a colleague who'd lost her husband and I made a point of having coffee with her a couple times and we did talk about the Elephant in the Room.  And wept.  I think it's a relief not to pretend that you're doing OK.

Yup. After the initial couple days, a few days with some people, I started saying 'I'm fine' instead of how I really feel. I have a huge stack of cards, some memorial gifts, and then everyone moves on... Saying you are fine seems easier than burdening people with how you truly feel. It says a lot about our society in general, no matter what country you are in. I completely agree people should talk about the Elephant in the Room, as you put it, and not avoid it. I had one co-worker tell me she wanted to ask how I was doing a few days after it happened but dared not because she didn't want to remind me. Um..  when you lose a sibling, you don't FORGET within a week unless you are reminded.  Or, spouse, child, parent, best friend....

Thanks for sharing your own experience. I know this is a loss that will never go away-- and I am feeling at the moment she is surrounded by support- so I have let her know I am here..I drop a quick message daily ...but I plan to do more calling and more support in the upcoming days, weeks, months years...when the immediate support dies down. I admit selfishly I am finding it hard, because I want to talk about him and remember the little boy that was such a huge part of my life, but no one here knows him and I just feel a bit alone.

It is definitely hard when you need to talk and those around you don't know the person you are wanting to talk about, all the funny stories, the cute kid stories, or any of the memories. I am sure his mom will appreciate remembering all those with you. It is hard at first with the first flurry of everyone giving sympathy, but believe me, for 'the rest of the world' life moves on rather rapidly. She will be needing your calls sooner than you might think.

Still sending lots of hugs.

I agree, Tama. 

Thanks all , it is good to hear other's experiences, I always believe it is best to talk about it, we all know the grief is there and isn't going away.

A friend and I were talking about this recently, and trying to figure out exactly why it is a subject that no one wants to talk about, why it is such a taboo. It is a natural part of life's cycle. Yes, it hurts like heck to lose people, and yes, we miss them. But not talking about it doesn't make it any less painful, and talking about it doesn't make us morbid. In fact, talking about it is very helpful. Yet no one seems to know how.

We should be better equipped to know how to talk about those feelings without feeling like it is wrong. We need to be taught from a young age how to talk about and process these feelings.

She shared the story of a friend's memorial, where they beat drums, sang and danced, and simply celebrated HIM and his life. Hearing of it reminded me of seeing (on tv) people having small parades, beating drums, playing instruments, singing and dancing in New Orleans while walking in a funeral procession. I love that idea. Sure, you are sad, but to celebrate the fact someone lived and celebrate the fact you love them is such an awesome thing.