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Topic: English husbands  (Read 14034 times)

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English husbands
« on: November 09, 2004, 06:58:52 PM »
Are they all quiet? ???

I have been married for 9 years 4 months and have to say I have never met anyone who is so quiet.

He won't talk about his "feelings" or about anything else, any advice?

I know his dad is the same way along with his brother. I hope it's just his family!


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2004, 07:01:07 PM »
why do you think I married an American ?!  ;)


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2004, 07:07:41 PM »
I don't know that it's an English thing.  My English guy is more open and honest with (and willing to talk about) his feelings than the red-neck good-old boys I dated in small-town USA.  Of course, he grew up surrounded by women, as his Dad passed away when he was quite young, which may have something to do with it.

There are so many things you can do to try and open him up, including just sitting down and telling him how you feel, and how his shut-mouth makes you feel.  Of course, you would need to do it in a way that he is not feeling "attacked".

A friend of mine played 20 questions with her hubby, and it helped a lot.  Here are the rules:

You ask a question (something "deep" rather than his favorite colour).  He responds, then you answer the question you just asked him.  Next, he asks a question, to which you both answer.  

You can do this all in a one-er, or, ask the question in the morning, then both of you are prepared with an answer to give over dinner.  The next day, a new question is asked.  It gives you almost a month to open up to each other.

Questions can be along the lines of "you fondest childhood memory" "when did you first fall in love, and WHY" "favorite book...and WHY".

Good luck!  I'm sure others will have some great ideas for you from thier own experience, too!!


Re: English husbands
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2004, 07:12:24 PM »
Me and Frank have been married for 3.5 years and he too was a little on the quiet side at first but now he is pretty much a loudmouth like me. Guess I bring out the best in em!


Re: English husbands
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2004, 08:24:57 PM »
I think there is a certain amount of truth to "stiff upper lip" though I think it's more just a matter of getting used to doing things differently, which as we all know is not an easy thing for Brits to do.  ;) Jamie is pretty quiet about "deep" stuff until the mood strikes him and then he just lets it all out....

You ask a question (something "deep" rather than his favorite colour).  He responds, then you answer the question you just asked him.  Next, he asks a question, to which you both answer. 

Anyone remember a little book along these lines called the Book of Questions? It was quite trendy in maybe the early 90s (that's an estimate) and sounds like it was very much along the lines of this game.... I wonder if I've still got my copy anywhere... must look when I'm home for Thanksgiving!


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2004, 09:15:57 PM »

He won't talk about his "feelings" or about anything else, any advice?


Not being English, I can't answer for them.
However, I think the general perception of us Brit husbands is that we are quiet.
Why is that a problem ?


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2004, 11:16:56 PM »
I've always thought that men not discussing their feelings as more of a gender difference, rather than cultural difference.  It's the classic issue.

My English husband is pretty open about his feelings.  On the whole, in our eight years of marriage, talking about his feelings hasn't been a problem.  It's been our occasional differences in our feelings that's thrown some curveballs.   ;)  Yet my dad, American, was notoriously clammed up with his feelings.  It's just one of those male things.

Quote
However, I think the general perception of us Brit husbands is that we are quiet.

I think that there's a difference between being "quiet" and talking to your spouse about your feelings.   I have friends who are English guys who are soft spoken, reserved, etc. yet have been remarkably candid to me about their feelings.  I think that UKladybug was looking for advice on how to get her husband to open up, a bit.   ;)

Maybe you can try a change of scenery.  Go out on a date.  Change the routine and try to capture some of what it was like when you first started going out.   That might drum up some deep feelings and get him to open up a bit.




"Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens." -
Douglas Jerrold


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2004, 08:27:29 AM »
My husband has always been great about encouraging me to talk about things that are bothering me. He says he can tell when I've got something on my mind and he's usually right. At first he never said a word about what he was feeling, but now he's just as prone to talk about it as I am. He may not be the one to bring it up, but if I'm talking about something he'll chime in with his side of things.

The best time for us to talk is when we're either laying in bed before we go to sleep. Sometimes on his day off, we'll go upstairs away from kids and computers and other distractions and just spend a while talking and laying on the bed.


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2004, 09:22:18 AM »
My husband before he was my husband was a bit quiet about his feelings...but after much encouragement from me about the strength of communication... he is by no means quiet now...  but being the social worker that he is...  he also likes to analyze everything...so now sometimes I wish he would just be quiet... :-\\\\
Logic is one thing, it keeps us in control!
But the heart only knows one, which is the  
depths of our soul!


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2004, 11:16:03 AM »
My DH was quieter but no more so than my dad though my dad does talk when he is good and ready.

My husband has learned to talk about things that bother him more as a means of letting the stress go, but he still will sit and contimplate things whereas I must usually think aloud.  I have to agree though that it's largely a man thing.  Lots of men are told as children to be strong, not cry, not whine , not fuss and basically just to get over it alone.  So... that probably has a lot more to do with it than nationality.  I would argue that there are a lot of cultures though where this strong silent type is more prevelant.  Latin cultures for example tend to have very expressive men and women.  ;D
The wiring in our brain is not static, not irrevocably fixed.  Our brains are adaptable. -Mattieu Ricard

Being ignorant is not so much a shame as being unwilling to learn. -Benjamin Franklin

I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions. -D.Day


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2004, 05:40:57 PM »
Quiet.......MY HUSBAND???  LOL

no WAY!!!!!  I'm lucky to have found such a loving and wonderfuly open man.  I'm like that, and together we just fit.

I think that's why we gave our relationship a chance, or rather, never decided NOT to persue this even though i was in boston and he was in the ukl


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2004, 09:21:05 AM »
My husband initially opened up more in emails, IMs and phone calls than he did when we actually met at Heathrow. We'd exchanged photos, etc., but the sheer hugeness of it all, I guess, blew him away. He paid for my flight, greeted me with a dozen red roses, and sat at a Heathrow lounge so we could have a smoke (we were both smokers at the time). His shyness was endearing (would barely look me in the eye), but I was of the mind that if it didn't click, it didn't click. Bear in mind I hadn't slept for 36 hours when we met, so I wasn't feeling particularly proud. But we drove the hour from Heathrow to Hove, and he had candles set up everywhere, flowers, wine. Then we honestly sat on the sofa and had some wine, in candlelight, and he had tears running down his face. I was really upset by that and asked why he was crying. And he simply answered, "I'm so happy you're  here." All I needed to hear.


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Re: English husbands
« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2004, 03:41:07 PM »
My half-brit, half south african never shuts up!  I am the quiet one (except when I yell at him, then not so quiet!)  He has always been very open about everything.  He cries a lot as well.  He can't watch the movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler because it makes him cry too much!  I do love that man...
"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses."   Mrs Patrick Campbell (1865-1940) English Actress


Re: English husbands
« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2004, 03:43:16 PM »
Why is it that so many Americans want to talk about their 'feelings' and want/expect others to talk about their 'feelings' as well?


Re: English husbands
« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2004, 03:58:38 PM »
I love my quiet husband!  Living in Colorado, it seemed like every man I dated psycho-analysed life to bits; used dates as therapy sessions.  'Do you like me?' 'Do you love me?' 'What is the meaning of life?' 'Why am I here?' 

Being quizzed about my 'feelings' got old quickly.  I'm a person who likes to work through things and express myself non-verbally, so it's refreshing to be in a culture where that's accepted and embraced.  It may be healthy for some to work through rough spots verbally, but people are all different and it certainly didn't work for me - all the talking just bewildered and confused me and I couldn't think clearly to make a decision I felt comfortable with.  It's hard to medidate without a bit of stillness and silence. 


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