Author Topic: Family making me feel guilty about living in the UK still  (Read 1016 times)

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Offline GibbyGab

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Family making me feel guilty about living in the UK still
« on: November 30, 2015, 07:52:49 PM »
Hi everyone,

I just need to vent really. I've been living in the uk now for several years with my DH who is English. I see my family when I can but it's expensive so I don't go often. Recently they have started to ask why I'm still living in the uk and not tried to move back to the US and why I don't come see everyone more often. I feel guilty like I'm missing everything. How do you guys cope? I find it the worst over the holidays. DH and I rarely spend them together because we normally split up (he goes to see his family and I see mine to keep everyone happy). We do one day want to move to the US but that won't be for at least a few more years. I just can't stop feeling guilty. Does anyone else feel this way? Almost like my family think I've chosen DH over them. Can anyone give me some advice?

Thanks for listening.
Met DH to be: 2004
Visited back and forth:2005-2008
Student visa: September 2008
Married: September 2009
Flr(m): July 2011
Finished my bachelors: May 2012
Finished MSc: august 2013
ILR approved: September 2013
Citizenship approval: August 2015
Passport received: November 2015
Citizenship journey is complete!




Fruitgum

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Re: Family making me feel guilty about living in the UK still
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2015, 09:17:17 PM »
Ii must be really difficult when your family are putting so much pressure on you.

I'd say that we usually choose our partner/spouse over our family, its a different sort of relationship and isn't it usual for children to grow up and leave home. Sometimes that means living in a different city/state/country, take your pick. I don't know many people who still live in their hometown.

Can you ask your family to visit you? Can you tell them that they are making you unhappy with these types of comments? IMHO where you live should really be none of their concern, as long as you are safe and happy, but that's coming from someone who moved away from her hometown for University and never went back, and has moved continent a few times since then!

I'd ask them to be happy with the time that they get to spend with you, ask them to visit, ask them to be happy for you in whatever you choose to do - easy for me to say but I do live on the other side of the Atlantic from my grown up children, and it has never crossed my mind to be bothered about where they live. We get together when we can, and we maintain contact using all that technology has to offer.

I hope that you can resolve this problem and reduce the feelings of guilt. Sending positive thoughts your way!

Offline GibbyGab

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Re: Family making me feel guilty about living in the UK still
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2015, 09:52:48 PM »
Ii must be really difficult when your family are putting so much pressure on you.

I'd say that we usually choose our partner/spouse over our family, its a different sort of relationship and isn't it usual for children to grow up and leave home. Sometimes that means living in a different city/state/country, take your pick. I don't know many people who still live in their hometown.

Can you ask your family to visit you? Can you tell them that they are making you unhappy with these types of comments? IMHO where you live should really be none of their concern, as long as you are safe and happy, but that's coming from someone who moved away from her hometown for University and never went back, and has moved continent a few times since then!

I'd ask them to be happy with the time that they get to spend with you, ask them to visit, ask them to be happy for you in whatever you choose to do - easy for me to say but I do live on the other side of the Atlantic from my grown up children, and it has never crossed my mind to be bothered about where they live. We get together when we can, and we maintain contact using all that technology has to offer.

I hope that you can resolve this problem and reduce the feelings of guilt. Sending positive thoughts your way!

Thank you so much for this. Your post really has made me feel so much better. Most people I know seem to continue living closely to their family so I guess I'm the odd one. I love my family but I've been married now for 6 years and I'm happy where I am. We are doing well for ourselves and sometimes I feel as though I don't let myself fully enjoy England and my life because I feel like I should be striving to live closer to where I grew up and continue to have that motivation to get there. That's really no way to live though. I just want to feel happy. Just seems like no matter what I do, someone is upset with me. Oh well it's not my responsibility to make everyone else happy. Thanks again the words you have written have given me peace.
Met DH to be: 2004
Visited back and forth:2005-2008
Student visa: September 2008
Married: September 2009
Flr(m): July 2011
Finished my bachelors: May 2012
Finished MSc: august 2013
ILR approved: September 2013
Citizenship approval: August 2015
Passport received: November 2015
Citizenship journey is complete!




Fruitgum

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Re: Family making me feel guilty about living in the UK still
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2015, 12:08:36 PM »
Aw shucks, seriously though I am glad that my post helped :)

As an add on to my last post: in my experience the family members that liked to lay the guilt on us were the ones who liked to do that! To elaborate, when we did move back for a while (for work and other reasons, not because of any family related pressure) they didn't make any effort to visit us. No, it was still our responsibility to visit them at the other end of the country because "we didn't move back to my husband's hometown". They were also the family members who hadn't really had a relationship with their grandchildren when they lived in the UK, we always had to visit them for tedious family meals. No trips to the easily accessible zoo, park, seaside, just sitting in the house trying to keep our small children occupied! Let me add that they also liked to guilt trip another family member who moved away for work, rarely visited them etc. Not bitter but it did take a while to understand the dynamics of that family, and I was rather disappointed for my children.

So my attitude is that we need to do what it takes for us to be happy, which as expats includes living where we like and enjoying all that our location has to offer, while still maintaining contact at the level that works for us. I'm glad you are feeling at peace, and wish you a wonderful holiday season with your husband. Enjoy!!!