Author Topic: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?  (Read 1992 times)

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Offline BriKH

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Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« on: February 15, 2016, 09:18:51 AM »
This is more a rant than anything, with advice needed!

My future sister-in-law wants to plan a mini hen-do for me a couple weeks before I get married. She doesn't keep a secret well and blabbed that she and another girl (who I dont know very well) are already putting plans into action to have a hen do for me at my house and get my fiance out on a stag do that same evening.

She has said she has inquired about a "butler in the buff" and said she has invited a few people, including the fiance's mother and EX! I get on just fine with the ex but I dont really see her as a friend. Anytime she has been around with just the girls, she seems to always have little digs at my fiance and it's just tiring. She is a friend of the family, especially since she is the mother of his son, but I just find it awkward. I told my SIL this, and she insists she HAS to invite her. Really?  :-\\\\

I also dont feel comfortable having our "entertainment". Call me no-fun, but I just dont feel comfortable having a man wearing nothing but an apron serving me in my house. It's just not me.

When I first came to the UK, I was on a student visa and studying in Liverpool. I was there for 4 1/2 years before I moved in with my fiance to Manchester, so most of my friends are there. I MUCH rather just take the trip to Liverpool and have a meal with my friends there. I did tell the SIL this too and she just says "Oh you have to have a hen party!".

Am I just being a bit of a Bridezilla here? Also, should this be something the maid of honour does? I should be grateful I suppose that someone was so kind to do anything for me but I would feel totally uncomfortable with everything she mentioned and people she has invited!

I suppose I am wanting to know if anybody has had any similar experiences with being put in awkward situations at your hen do? Or maybe even any tips on how to already deal with insistent in-laws?! Should I just go with the flow?

Sorry for the long rant! It's been bothering me all weekend!

Online KFdancer

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2016, 09:55:36 AM »
WHAT?!?!  Umm, yeah, politely decline.  They want a party for themselves, not you!  If it was for you, it would be about what you would enjoy and find fun.

Go to Liverpool and have a party with your friends.  Invite the SIL and MIL and tell them that this is the hen (like it or not).

This is one of those things that send warning flags up in my head.  What will they be like if you and your fiancĂ© choose to have children?

Offline jimbocz

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2016, 10:02:23 AM »
For what it's worth, guys feel the same pressure and awkwardness with a stripper at the stag do.   Most guys are secretly mortified that they are going to be faced with a naked woman in front of their relatives and forced to get a lap dance or whatever.  It's not just you, a lot of people don't want that either.


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Offline BriKH

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2016, 10:10:50 AM »
You're so right in saying this is a party for them. My fiance is not as close to his mother as she would like them to be so she has jumped onto helping with more than she needs to, to get into his good books, really. She is overly keen (and I think that would be the case even moreso if we had children too). The SIL loves a good party, so this was the perfect excuse for her to do something. I do know she means well though, but this isnt anything *I* want, or would enjoy.

Thanks though, because I know now I am not just being a picky bridezilla! I really needed to get this out because it was bothering me. Didn't know if I should put my foot down or grin and bear it!

Offline larrabee

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2016, 10:47:40 AM »
I completely agree with Kfdancer. They are not thinking about you at all.

You should absolutely put your foot down. If you let them walk all over you now, it'll only get worse over time.
March 29th 2013-Moved to UK, husband on spouse visa.Oct 20th 2015-Applied by mail for FLR(M).Feb 1st 2016 FLR(M).

Fruitgum

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2016, 11:21:09 AM »
Ugh, I really feel for you! Having people decide what you "want" is completely wrong, and I agree with putting your foot down and doing exactly what you want with your friends.

Offline BriKH

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2016, 11:49:27 AM »
Thanks to yall, I spoke with the SIL this morning and said I don't want the hen do she was planning to have for me. I told her I would prefer to go to Liverpool if the fiance is still going out for his stag do that night and see my friends who I may not get to see on my wedding day. I was called out for killing the fun :-P but she said to let her know if I change my mind.

The future in-laws have been more involved in this then we want them to, but because my fiance is not that close to a lot of his family, they are directing this all at me. My fiance and I just want to do this wedding our way, and we both want as little people there as possible for the actual ceremony, but his family have basically made the list for us who to invite. I feel there will be a lot of disappointed people if that is the case (and the blame will be on me, not him), but everyone is invited to the pub later!

Thanks everyone for giving me the courage to put my foot down though :-)

Offline sonofasailor

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2016, 11:54:35 AM »
I vote for grin and bear it.

Approach it like an anthropological thing:

"The natives held a great feast of soggy tapas, dressed in their finest. Box after box of a fermented, white, grape-based beverage was served chilled. After a while a semi-nude male, somewhat muscled in the shoulders, but rather under-developed in the hind quarters was ushered in to perform a gyrating number....the fascinating aspect being that though everyone apparently knew he was not trained in public safety, he was referred to as 'Officer Dave'......and later just 'Oi you!'.

"After around two hours of viewing the celebration, this journalist, choosing an opportune moment, slipped out the back exit and made her way back to base camp, apparently unnoticed by the participants, who, as it was recounted later, continued late into the night.....eventually ending up doing fierce battle with the party leader's husband's ex wife behind a local gathering place known as the Rusty Spigot."

Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across - Sun Tzu

Offline Albatross

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2016, 06:24:09 PM »
Absolutely do not 'grin and bear it'.
I would just apologise and tell them that you appreciate the thought, but it's not your kind of thing.

**oops, sorry... I've just seen that you've already dealt with the situation! **
« Last Edit: February 15, 2016, 06:30:07 PM by Albatross »

Offline BriKH

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2016, 04:42:48 PM »
Well...I THOUGHT that was dealt with anyways.

Feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. She is still planning something that day for some reason, flat out said I can't go to Liverpool but there will be no "butlers in the buff" or the like. If that was the only issue, then fine. I did confront her about inviting the ex, saying it would make me feel awkward, she said that's fine but she would just feel left out. I don't know why - like I said, we're not exactly friends! (Again, no bad blood between us at all, we're just not close).

Oh dear. In laws!!

Fruitgum

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2016, 09:53:31 PM »
Gosh, what an insistent person she is! I'm all for doing what you want to do, and I'm amazed that she is ordering you around like this. My advice would be to start as you mean to go on......

Offline lyonaria

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2016, 08:48:35 PM »
She sounds like a huge pain in the butt. Geeze. If you want to go have an evening with your friends go do it! That or ask your friends to come down to you and plan something local and tell her you're sorry, but they've planned something else for you.

I wouldn't stand for anyone telling me what I'm doing for a hen night. Especially if it's something I don't want to do!
The usual. American girl meets British guy. They fall into like, then into love. Then there was the big decision. The American traveled across the pond to join the Brit. And life was never the same again.

Offline BriKH

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #12 on: February 18, 2016, 10:03:48 AM »
I think she may have got the picture - finally.

Last night she told me she booked me a make up artist. That's kind, but no one asked me! I had to refuse, again. No one seems to understand we want a small, quiet wedding and I don't want to fuss. They must hate me by now! :-P

Online KFdancer

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #13 on: February 18, 2016, 10:31:28 AM »
Girl, this is HER, not you.  Who books someone else a makeup artist?!?

While I'm not one for conflict, I would politely stand your ground.

Just curious, is she married herself?  Maybe she's trying to live vicariously through you?  Either wants to be a bride or wants to be a bride again?  :P

Offline BriKH

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Re: Potential "Hen do" planning fiasco?
« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2016, 11:34:34 AM »
She's engaged (but has been for years!). I think she wants to be a Bride NOW but is waiting another year. She's involved int he wedding industry though, which is probably why I always get the "You need to have this at your wedding" or "You need to do this" and more recently "You have to invite this person or it's going to cause a stir".

I did stand my ground. If I pick a makeup artist then it will be one who's work I like. Everytime my SIL has her over to do makeup before a night out or something, I always opt out because I dont care for anyone else doing my makeup - you'd think that would be a sign to NOT book me a makeup artist!

That was followed by a message from the future MIL at midnight about asking me how planning was going and if we needed anything (She asks me nearly every other day, but no one ever dares to bother the fiance :-P )

Apologies that this thread has turned into a right rant about future in-laws!!