I am not adjusting very well and I have zero social life

Hi there, I haven't been on here in a really long time... but I just need somewhere to get this stuff off my chest.

Little backstory here..

I'm from New York and I'm now living in a tiny little village in Norfolk. On the 20th of this month it'll have been a year since I moved to be with my husband, (I've known him over 10 years now) and let me tell you.. I am not adjusting well. I am 24, my social life is completely dead. I can't seem to make *real* friends here. I know of people from work but I'd classify none as a friend that I could call if I was having a bad day. I feel so very isolated here. I never learned how to drive back home, and since my husband and I went the SS route for me to get here, I did a lot waiting for things to come in the mail last year. Waiting my NHS, waiting for my Residency Card, which was the longest thing and most important thing and I didn't want to apply for that until I had a job, which took me a few months to get.

Now again, I have to wait for my new place of work to scan my RC before I can send it off so I can try and get my provision licence. I am just losing my mind here. Especially because I now live in a place that is so... boring, which is not horrible but it is horrible job-wise because I can only find full-time work 9 months out of the year in a holiday park, my other job I had here out of the 9 months, was a 16 hour contract part time for a retail outlet that I hated. My husband and I want to move to the nearest city (Norwich) but we can't just do it on his salary, we also have some of his family living with us at the moment... and his dad constantly talks about how he hates immigrants (...yeah).

I feel so sad and lonely here, of course I have my husband but I want my own friends. When he's at work I go everywhere alone. I get on the bus alone, I walk around town alone, I shop alone. It is... so very depressing. I also have an eating disorder that's spiraled out of control since I've gotten here and it seems that I am simply not adjusting well to this move. I kind of want to go home to where I have people that are friends and family but, after all we did to come here legally, that seems out of the question. I did just visit home to see my family a few weeks ago, but someone else paid for me to come. I want to scream and cry and I simply wish I had a real friend here. The social isolation is crippling to me. :'(

Oh, I feel so, so bad for you... I'm on my phone just now so can't type much but I'll be back later with some advice. Hang in there.

Hey,

I can understand what you're going through. To be fair, I didn't come from a very large town before, but there were 150,000 people and my friends and family. Now I'm technically in a village, I think. Major change.  For over 6 months, while I was on my fiance visa and applying for my FLR, I was home alone. I couldn't drive anywhere as we only had one car and I was having some health stuff so I couldn't really walk anywhere either. My saving grace was we got a puppy and I had someone to love up while the husband was at work... haha.

It wasn't until I started my first REALLY crappy job getting paid minimum wage that life started to get better. We could actually afford to do things and to go out and we moved out of our tiny one room up one room down 'house' and life I would say is good now. Not perfect, but good.

It's 2 years since I moved and I still don't have a friend quite like my bffs back in the US, but I'm working on it. Brits seem to move a bit slower with the friendship thing. Have you tried meetups, or looking for a class you'd be interested in? Or maybe starting an (inexpensive) hobby that you've always wanted to try?

We're all happy to chat with someone. I do hope things get better.

Where abouts in New York? I moved from brooklyn 2.5 years ago. Feel free to message me. I'm in Liverpool, a bit far from you, but I'm here if you need to chat xo

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Hey there, I feel the same way a bit. I'm hoping it will get better once I am able to work.  I was hoping to make friends with my fiancés friends wives but it hasn't quite happened that way. The visa(s) have sucked away a lot of our savings, plus I'm still paying student loans back home. So our extra income isn't a lot. Without being able to drive I sit inside most days.  I can walk but every route I've tried has left me covered in mud because there are seemingly no sidewalks around us. I feel bad wasting money on the bus regularly when I really have no purpose besides wandering around. I wish we lived closer, I'm about a hour away. But I'm here if you ever want to chat. The loneliness is bad sometimes. I hope things get better for you xx

Gosh that's rough. I've always been a bit of a loner, and I hit it off well with my husbands friends so I haven't gone through the same friend issues as most here seem to have. Though when I first moved and was doing nothing while I waited for my uni course to start, i managed to find a local knitting group that i went to for some social contact. If you have a hobby like that that you enjoy, or would like to learn, it might be worth having a poke around Facebook to see if there are any local groups. I was really missing some American interaction without any cultural divide a few months ago and after some searching on FB, I found a local group of American expats and I've been able to meet up with them once so far.  It so hard moving somewhere totally new as an adult and figuring out how to make friends without things like school and church to push you along. I know it's really a big ask if you're feeling down, but I think in the situation all us expats find ourselves in, you really have to be proactive in finding a social group. I'd go for church or hobby groups first, though I managed to make some good friends at my first job as well.


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I always wonder about the proactive approach, because if you are depressed, which you may well be, that may be the last thing you feel able to do. So it's a bit like telling a guy with a cracked vertebrae to take up exercise. 

I would suggest seeing a doctor. You mentioned an eating disorder. It can have an effect on your physical condition....which affects the mental.....lack of vitamins and nutrients.

Seasonal affective disorder can be real.....you are coming out of a dreary Norfolk winter.

Mix that in with depression (similar symptoms), troubled eating patterns and the isolation of the immigrant......who wouldn't be feeling helpless and alone?

Perhaps you are introverted by nature....combined with a the closed nature of the rural English countryside....where social bonds are formed over generations....to measure yourself by experiences/life back home is almost guaranteed to lead to feelings of fear and failure (which if I recall are conditions contributing to disordered eating).

I would see a doctor.

I'm gonna try and just make this a reply to everyone in a group instead of quoting everyone, cause that'll take forever, lol. I think I kinda made a bad impression of myself as this horribly sad person who sulks and feels sorry for herself all the time.

I'm really not, if you met me you'd never have a clue. The only reason I'm getting the new job that I am (it is a new role in the holiday park I worked in last year) is because my boss I worked with last year said I was perfect for me since I am really good at working with people, especially kids; I'm very outgoing, I'm not shy at all. I will talk your ear off. Two, I'm very happy-go-lucky and positive. I guess that's one of my downfalls. In person, you would never suspect that there's anything wrong or that I'm really having a bad time. I'm really good at hiding it, I've confided in people I've worked with before once about my eating disorder and my coworker had one too, and I thought "thank goodness, now I have someone I can talk to" not even three days later she was ignoring my texts and avoiding me at work. That really made me not want to confide in anyone about that anymore for sure.

I have done all the things you guys suggested before, I've looked for hobby stuff (I'm an artist, I've designed tattoos for people and the new position I'm working will be heavily art related) but.. around this area and there is just... nothing, really. There is not much going on at all and if there is anything going on it's really a lot to do with kids or football. Which is why my husband and I want to go to Norwich.. I'm kind of on the alternative side in style, (not a ridiculous amount, I don't have any piercings or anything, lol) and music I listen to..  I feel like in the country-village side isn't really a wonderful place to find someone that shares those interests.

As far as seeing doctors, that has been one of the things here that's made me the most infuriated. I've gone to at least 5 different doctors here, and one therapist for my E.D. The doctors here don't seem to care much at all.. but maybe I just have bad luck with them. I don't know if anyone here has gone to a doctor for mental illness but it's still a pretty big stigma and they just kind of brush you off or just write the anti-depressants to get you out of the room. I've told them about how I feel, about my eating disorder which is reeeeally super stigmatised still. I was kinda hesitant to post that I have one but I figured I should mention it since it is such a huge thing I have to deal with. But..honestly, I don't feel like I'm clinically depressed here. I feel like it's just my situation that's really got me so down. I've just not felt very welcomed in this country at all. I try to make appointments here and they always tell me to call back tomorrow at 8 in the morning which I find odd. It feels like trying to get help in this country is like pulling teeth, granted back home isn't super great either, but I wasn't like this back home because I had a support network.

I have considered going to some college classes to meet people and because I also love to learn, but it'd have to come out of my pocket because they won't help me for another 2 years. Which, wouldn't be too bad but it'd be finding the time for it because I'll be working full time, my husband works full time and there's not a bus that goes there from where I am to where I'd need to go. The college is weirdly located, which I thought is odd considering not everyone drives..? I am so frustrated, it seems like once I think "this is what I can do to meet some people" there's something like oh, the bus route doesn't go there. I suppose I could see if there were any night classes but again, if my husband is working and the bus route... ARGJSHADJSHGAJHGDA. Yesterday I was on the verge of tears and now I'm just plain angry about it, lol.

My husband tells me that I should wait for things to get better, like when we move. But I feel like I've wasted so much of my life waiting, I didn't go to school back home because I didn't want to get into debt before I left (I desperately wanted to go to school), I had to wait for us to get the money to do the SS route, then waiting for him to find a job in Malta, then applying for a visa, then waiting for it to get decided upon, waiting for my NHS number, waiting for my RC..

I am grateful for everything I have here, I am so happy I am with my husband after doing the long distance for so many years. I don't want to sound like I am ungrateful I am just so f**kin' frustrated right now and this is the right forum to do it on I guess, lol.

Thank you to everyone that replied and showed concern, it really means a lot to me.

Awww, I remember you from "back in the day" and how hard you and your husband worked to be together!

I don't really have any advice other than I can relate.  I struggled here my first couple of years.  I came for work and my job was AWFUL.  It was not cool.  When my husband and I married and I was able to look for a new job it helped SO much.  I'm not saying that a new job could be what changes everything, but it could be a small enough change to nudge you towards being happy. 

I've been really down myself the last few weeks.  I've started a new job and it's chaos and everyone needs everything NOW but there's no support to get things done quickly.  At the same time my child has been ill and I can't be home with her (new job!).  And I'm getting brushed off at the doctor's with her.  It's just a bad cycle at the moment!  I want to get on the first plane to the US and go stay with my mommy!   

No help. Just I understand!

Can you see if you can self-refer yourself to Talking Therapies?  They may be able to help with you sort through some of your feelings and give you some coping skills.

I think things will be so much better for you when you can drive. Anything outside of the greater Norwich area is so rural and depending where you are the transport options are rubbish. There are some decent bike trails in Norfolk are you near any of them? Although, I'm based in Norwich I found them useful to get out of town when I couldn't drive.

This winter has been very blah, and I remember how difficult my first winter in Norwich was and I was based on the city side of the Golden Triangle! I can only imagine how difficult the rural parts of Norfolk would be in the Winter. Have you looked at these sites for MH support? http://www.nsft.nhs.uk/Pages/Home.aspx or https://b-eat.co.uk/support-services

You may want to talk to your work about making a copy of your BRP and giving it back to you already. I process DBS checks all the time and we just need a photocopy of the ID docs to start the process.

I hope things start looking up for you soon!

I'm gonna try and just make this a reply to everyone in a group instead of quoting everyone, cause that'll take forever, lol. I think I kinda made a bad impression of myself as this horribly sad person who sulks and feels sorry for herself all the time.

You most definitely did not make a bad impression and you certainly don't sound ungrateful! As you can see, most of us have felt the same at some point. I felt like it when I came over here as a student and I was 23, placed in a dorm with a bunch of drunk 18 year olds (Not a huge difference in age but I think in maturity there is). I connected with no one. I somehow have made it 6 years here and now getting married but now I feel like I did when I first got here because I am not allowed to work on the fiancee visa. I have had to stay busy because staying in the house contemplating my next visa is depressing. I joined a knitting group (I love it)! And from there Ive been invited to do more things. Plus the wedding planning keeps me going enough. At least it keeps me on my toes!

How long will it be until you move, if any idea? It just sounds like the area you are in just isn't for you, but that doesn't mean somewhere else in England wouldn't be. I find this country so vast, and sometimes the way of life (just like the accents) change from town to town. What's easily available in one town may not be so in another.

Instead of college classes, are there are groups maybe at your local library that interest you? That is where I found my knitting group, but there is so much on offer that is usually free or a small fee, especially art! Just thought it may be an alternative to college classes until they're more accessible.

Instead of college classes, are there are groups maybe at your local library that interest you? That is where I found my knitting group, but there is so much on offer that is usually free or a small fee, especially art! Just thought it may be an alternative to college classes until they're more accessible.

Or the Women's Institute? You might be the youngest one there but that will make you the novelty. They go on lots of outings around the country together.

Or a gardening type club? Or countryside/beach type club where they tidy the area together? Help at a foodbank or a charity shop?

There are some young WI groups in Norfolk - it may be worth a look!

I'm the same way MandyBoo.
Very few people ever see me feeling negative or upset or angry. There's 'Me in public' and 'Me in private', and they can be very different people in mood on the same day. My last job didn't even know there was anything wrong and that I felt like I was drowning in work.

I really hope that things get better for you. I found that once I had a job that I enjoyed life didn't seem quite so bleak. I hope it is the same for you.

I understand about not great doctors. There are some doctors at our Health Center that I won't see again. I hope that you are able to find someone who is compassionate and will give your mental health the same time of day as your physical health as both are equally important.

I feel your pain over living in a village in the middle of nowhere! We had to rent for 6 months in between house purchases, and ended up in a village in Hertfordshire where there was nothing going on.

Norfolk is a lovely county, and I am hope you will feel a little better once the sun starts shining again. Until then I don't have anything more to add than the other posters, but do know this person is thinking of you and hopes that things brighten for you before long