Author Topic: Alone  (Read 2410 times)

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Online x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Alone
« Reply #30 on: March 29, 2017, 10:03:18 PM »
So funny. After all these years somebody else is in Twickenham!
I spent so long feeling just like this post. Even today I joke about the "almost-friends" I've made here--we chat on the street, we almost have a cup of tea.
Hang in there.

Oh man! I can relate to the "almost friend" SO much! It's almost like you want to go for a cup of tea or a beer, but you aren't sure which of you should ask he other so neither of you do...and then it's like you've waited too long and the almost friendship fizzles out to the acquaintance zone forever.

Offline candyann

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Re: Alone
« Reply #31 on: March 30, 2017, 12:00:48 PM »
It is the strangest thing and I've never gotten used to it. For a long while I stopped posting on this board because even I got tired of the same complaints. In my experience it is worse than dating. At first, I thought it was people's personalities but it seems to be true of everyone I meet here.

I'm super reluctant to overgeneralize about cultures, but making a British friend in adulthood has been harder for me than long-distance relationships or multiyear visa quests.
7/2000 - Emigrated USA to Canada
4/2008 - Met British partner
9/2009 - Moved to UK on Proposed CP/Fiance visa
12/2009 - Civil partnership
3/2010 - FLR(M)
2012 (? it's all a blur, but "old rules") - ILR
9/2013 - Naturalised/Right of Abode
2/2017 - Cannot leave UK until Canadian passport returned by the Home Office!

Online x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Alone
« Reply #32 on: March 30, 2017, 12:05:21 PM »
In fairness, I think making friends at all in adulthood - regardless of location - is one of the hardest things ever!

Offline candyann

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Re: Alone
« Reply #33 on: March 30, 2017, 12:45:43 PM »
In fairness, I think making friends at all in adulthood - regardless of location - is one of the hardest things ever!

You're probably right. I guess what I mean is that British people (and perhaps all people) seem to arrive at adulthood already having enough friends. Because they haven't moved to a new country where they don't know anyone else, it doesn't occur to them to make a new friend.
I am the only person in my office who socializes with colleagues in other teams, purely because I could not stand not doing so. In my previous (North American) life I would never have thought of myself as a big socializer; here it's an office joke. "Going to the pub to talk to people? Why on earth would you do that?"  ;D
7/2000 - Emigrated USA to Canada
4/2008 - Met British partner
9/2009 - Moved to UK on Proposed CP/Fiance visa
12/2009 - Civil partnership
3/2010 - FLR(M)
2012 (? it's all a blur, but "old rules") - ILR
9/2013 - Naturalised/Right of Abode
2/2017 - Cannot leave UK until Canadian passport returned by the Home Office!

Offline jimbocz

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Re: Alone
« Reply #34 on: March 30, 2017, 01:08:18 PM »
Hey CandyAnn, that is funny to hear we are neighbors.  I live near the Meadway and actually do my shopping in whitton, but my house is in Twickers. 

I spend time on a few forums and loneliness and depression always come up.  What kind of society have we created?  I'm lucky to have a family, but even then we cocoon ourselves out of busyness.  It doesn't help that if you call British people at the last minute to do something, they actually get angry!

I'm thinking of setting up a boat trip near Hampton Court Palace on the bank holiday weekend.  You should definitely come.  Keep your eyes open, it's still just a plan.

Online x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Alone
« Reply #35 on: March 30, 2017, 05:03:33 PM »
You're probably right. I guess what I mean is that British people (and perhaps all people) seem to arrive at adulthood already having enough friends. Because they haven't moved to a new country where they don't know anyone else, it doesn't occur to them to make a new friend.
I am the only person in my office who socializes with colleagues in other teams, purely because I could not stand not doing so. In my previous (North American) life I would never have thought of myself as a big socializer; here it's an office joke. "Going to the pub to talk to people? Why on earth would you do that?"  ;D

Yeah I totally agree that I think - because they haven't picked up their entire life and moved somewhere abroad - it doesn't even occur to them that some people might not have the same type of social life or friends because of this. I would completely agree that I think people here seem to have the same friends (with a few added along the way from parties/festivals/etc. in their younger years) since school/their younger years. I'm very fortunate that I work with a bunch of pretty social people (one who is only a few years older than me and we have a lot in common - so we've become friends outside of work) and we will do pub lunch in the summer together or go to company parties together and have been invited to birthdays. We are a small team and sometimes I feel like we are the only team in the office building of hundreds that socialise at all!It's so quiet and boring and we just tend to have a laugh and get in trouble for making noise. Prior to this, my issue was that I'm 27 and everybody else in the teams around me (that I was directly working with) were all in their 40's+ - which is *totalllyyyy* fine! I don't mind having that gap in age when it comes to friends. My sister who's in her 40's is literally one of my best friends. But I didn't have anything in common with these people and they were far more reserved. It can be TOUGH! It's soo tough deciding whether or not you should make the "first move" in regards to inviting somebody out because sometimes you just can't tell if a person likes you or just tolerates you!

Offline elliemaemc

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Re: Alone
« Reply #36 on: May 17, 2017, 08:39:08 PM »
Yeah I totally agree that I think - because they haven't picked up their entire life and moved somewhere abroad - it doesn't even occur to them that some people might not have the same type of social life or friends because of this. I would completely agree that I think people here seem to have the same friends (with a few added along the way from parties/festivals/etc. in their younger years) since school/their younger years. I'm very fortunate that I work with a bunch of pretty social people (one who is only a few years older than me and we have a lot in common - so we've become friends outside of work) and we will do pub lunch in the summer together or go to company parties together and have been invited to birthdays. We are a small team and sometimes I feel like we are the only team in the office building of hundreds that socialise at all!It's so quiet and boring and we just tend to have a laugh and get in trouble for making noise. Prior to this, my issue was that I'm 27 and everybody else in the teams around me (that I was directly working with) were all in their 40's+ - which is *totalllyyyy* fine! I don't mind having that gap in age when it comes to friends. My sister who's in her 40's is literally one of my best friends. But I didn't have anything in common with these people and they were far more reserved. It can be TOUGH! It's soo tough deciding whether or not you should make the "first move" in regards to inviting somebody out because sometimes you just can't tell if a person likes you or just tolerates you!

This is definitely a big fear for me. My husband's friends and family are wonderful, but it is really important to me to have my own friends. I am hoping to find some through my travel communities, possibly through the couchsurfing community and if it exists over there, Bumble BFF. I'm 24 and Bumble BFF has been one of the best tools for making adult friends here in the US.
Married in NI: 30 Dec 2016
Moved to NI: 30 May 2017

Online x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Alone
« Reply #37 on: May 18, 2017, 10:09:58 AM »
This is definitely a big fear for me. My husband's friends and family are wonderful, but it is really important to me to have my own friends. I am hoping to find some through my travel communities, possibly through the couchsurfing community and if it exists over there, Bumble BFF. I'm 24 and Bumble BFF has been one of the best tools for making adult friends here in the US.

Just get involved in as much as you can as often as you can. Join MeetUp.com and attend events in your local area. If there's been a hobby or sport you've always wanted to try, see if there's a group for it on MeetUp or see what is around you within commutable distance. The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you'll make your own friends. It's pretty much a numbers game I think. I personally didn't put myself out there enough in my first chunk of time and then it just got harder and harder to do because I became more comfortable being here without making my own friends. But now I wish I had put myself out there when I had first moved and had more free time to kill because I didn't have a job yet. I was more afraid of spending money that my husband was making that I wasn't yet contributing to so I stayed inside most of the time. I got a job quite quickly, thankfully, but then all that free time to go try new thins and socialise and make friends was gone. Try expat communities local to you as well on Facebook (if there are any) or if there's a local pub you like (if that's your thing), try just going there regularly as you might start developing friendships with other regulars. You can also always try volunteering or classes for something you really want to try (for example, I started doing Pole Fitness again at a new studio since moving to a new house and the people there are all so friendly! I can definitely see myself slowly chatting to them more and more).

I've never tried bumble. I've heard of it very vaguely before but I think this probably became more popular after I moved here. I've never actually heard about how successful it was at actually making good friends so that's really cool to hear that it worked for you in the US! I literally only hear people say "there's an app called bumble" and that's it. Never any stories that are positive or negative.