Author Topic: I'm sure this is normal but...  (Read 1143 times)

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Offline kateaz04

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I'm sure this is normal but...
« on: April 01, 2017, 03:01:31 AM »
My fiancee and I have been together since 2013 and I have been desperate to be with him in the UK for 4 years and I have been excited about it...however, now that it's creeping up on us (within the next 3 months) I have been getting majorly scared...the last few days has been hitting me pretty hard.

Nothing has happened, I'm still as in love with him as ever. I guess maybe the reality of moving to a different country is finally hitting me. I have lived away from family before, it's nothing new. But it just feels different somehow.

If you had similar feelings...how did you cope with it? Do you still have to battle with these feelings after you've moved? Just looking for some encouragement I guess, or some words of wisdom.

Thanks in advance :)
« Last Edit: April 01, 2017, 03:03:29 AM by kateaz04 »
Engaged-Jun 16
Applied online(fiance/marriage)-17 Apr 17
Biometrics- 21 Apr 17
Application rec'd Sheffield-26 Apr 17
Decision email- 2 Jun 17-Approved!
Moved to UK-17 Jul 17
Married-5 Oct 17
FLR-M App Sent- 11 Dec 17
Biometrics letter received- 22 Dec 17
Biometrics taken- 23 Dec 17

Offline ashlynnray28

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2017, 04:38:45 AM »
I went through exactly the same thing. When we originally started talking about moving, I was all about it. I had things planned out in my head and was very excited. When we sat down and talked about what we actually wanted to do-when we would leave etc, I was okay for a few days. Then out of the blue I was crying, having anxiety attacks, feeling guilty about moving away from family, panicking about how my son would cope....it was awful. I just made sure to be really honest with my husband how I was feeling and talk about it as soon as those feelings started to creep up. He was very supportive and sensitive about the whole thing. For us, he ended up getting a job offer out of the blue and taking it so we HAD to move forward about a year sooner than I was really ready to. It's totally normal to feel scared and nervous about a big life change like that, even if you are excited. Just know it's okay to feel how you do but find something(anything...that's not harmful or destructive) that makes you feel better and find a good support system. If my family had not been as supportive as they have, I would not have made it through. Good luck, this forum is awesome and you'll find great advice and lots of support!
Met: Sept 2008
US Fiancé Visa: June 2010
Married in US: July 2010
Son born: Feb 2012
Online Application: 24 Feb 2017
Biometrics: 27 Feb 3017
Sent application priority: 28 Feb 2017
Visa received: 29 Mar 2017--APPROVED!
Arrived in UK: 13 April 2017

Offline kateaz04

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2017, 05:47:29 AM »
Thank you,
Your comment made me feel better. I have broken down a few time in the last couple of days. It doesn't last long. I did talk to my SO about it and he's super supportive as usual. He says we can take it 6 months at a time and if I absolutely can't handle it then we'll move back to the US. He loves his job and owns his own house...which is why I'm moving to him. As of right now, I'm working but in school and with my mom.

It is helpful to have a good support system and I know that a lot of people would love to be able to have the opportunity that I do. I'm sure this is something I'll struggle with for some time. Trying to keep myself busy with wedding planning and other frivolous things!
Engaged-Jun 16
Applied online(fiance/marriage)-17 Apr 17
Biometrics- 21 Apr 17
Application rec'd Sheffield-26 Apr 17
Decision email- 2 Jun 17-Approved!
Moved to UK-17 Jul 17
Married-5 Oct 17
FLR-M App Sent- 11 Dec 17
Biometrics letter received- 22 Dec 17
Biometrics taken- 23 Dec 17

Offline lyonaria

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2017, 01:11:11 PM »
It's completely normal.

I had a few breakdown's and crying jags over the 6 months before I moved. I knew it was what I wanted to do and it was the right thing for me. I was excited to experience living in another country and getting the chance to spend a ridiculous amount of time with the man I loved.

That does not take away from the fact that you are making an enormous move. It's normal to be apprehensive, and worried. It's a really big change, especially as you're moving from AZ to 'sunny old England'. That is a joke, btw. It's a really grey day again today.

As you said, you are moving away from your support system and you'll be 7-8 hours ahead of your friends and family, which makes normal communication take some planning. Talking with your soon to spouse about all of your feelings now is important as it will set you up to be able to continue talking about them after you move. Don't bottle them up, that just makes you sadder. (I know this from experience.)

For me, I was moving away from a nephew who adores me and my second nephew had only been born 4 months before. I've not gotten the chance to spend time with them and be there while they grow up. It's hard.

For me, after 3 years, living here in the UK is the right thing for my family. There have been ups and downs, but there are always ups and downs. I'm not sure if I would move back. Thoughts of where the US is currently headed, makes me really sad. Maybe we'll go to Canada after I get citizenship. My husband has skills that could get us a visa over there, I think.

And realise, those first 6 months may not be a the best touchstone for whether or not the UK is the right place for you. I would definitely give it a year or two. The first 6 months are more of the settling in period. It definitely took a year for me to be settled and comfortable. You'll not be able to work or do much at all on your Fiance visa. It's kind of an extended vacation. haha.
The usual. American girl meets British guy. They fall into like, then into love. Then there was the big decision. The American traveled across the pond to join the Brit. And life was never the same again.

Offline KFdancer

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2017, 01:28:32 PM »
I moved for work but had about six months notice.  That was was tough too.  I felt like I was ending one life and about to start another (which is the reality).

Seven years on and honestly, for me, it's harder now than that anticipation.  But my life has changed drastically.  I met my now-husband, married, had a child, and am a few weeks from having a second.  When my family gets together in the US, I find it really hard to not be there.  I struggle that my child hears the FaceTime ring and knows that's her grandparents.  I'd kill to have them genuinely be around to watch her grow up.  We have a long list of friends and hired help for when I go into labor with this one.  My inlaws are not willing to be on that list. ::)  "They don't want to commit."

But I'm hesitant to move back and start all over again!  Can't win!   :P

I have lots of good days too!  It's not all bad!

Offline kateaz04

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2017, 07:09:39 PM »
KFdancer and Lyonaria---

Thanks to both of you. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who has struggled/is struggling with this. The plan has always been to live there for a few years and then move back to the US at some point. So, I will definitely try to make the most of it and give it everything I can.

Funny that you mention Canada---I was just talking to my fiancee last night and I said something about moving to Canada. I think it would be a good compromise. I've only been to Canada once when I was very young, but I don't see a reason I wouldn't like it. Worth looking into if England or the US don't work out!
Engaged-Jun 16
Applied online(fiance/marriage)-17 Apr 17
Biometrics- 21 Apr 17
Application rec'd Sheffield-26 Apr 17
Decision email- 2 Jun 17-Approved!
Moved to UK-17 Jul 17
Married-5 Oct 17
FLR-M App Sent- 11 Dec 17
Biometrics letter received- 22 Dec 17
Biometrics taken- 23 Dec 17

Offline KFdancer

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2017, 07:24:55 PM »
The plan has always been to live there for a few years and then move back to the US at some point.

I know a few people in real life who have had this plan and their partners have renigged and they are "stuck" here now.  Hopefully that doesn't happen for you, but just always keep those lines of communication open.   :)

And I hope my post didn't sound all doom and gloom before.  Today, being a birthday, makes it a harder day to be away.    ;)

Offline kateaz04

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2017, 07:32:03 PM »
Thanks KFdancer-
I've read about a couple of people having that issue. I think that's probably one of the most unfair things you can do to your partner. Oh man, it makes my blood boil even thinking about it. That was one of the points I drove home when I had the conversation with my fiancee. I was all...listen here buddy, If I'm going to be moving across the world for you, if you'd better darn well be willing to do it for me. If we mutually decide to stay in the UK, that's a different story! I really don't think he would ever do that, but I'm sure the others didn't think so either.

Not doom and gloom at all! We plan on having kids and one of the things that makes me profoundly sad is not having my mom around to see them grow up in person. I know visits will happen but it's not the same. I try not to think that far in advance though, I get myself too worked up. Just one hurdle at a time Kaitlyn...

So glad I found you all. What a wonderful outlet to have people that know exactly what you're going through.

Congrats on #2 by the way! :D
« Last Edit: April 01, 2017, 07:33:16 PM by kateaz04 »
Engaged-Jun 16
Applied online(fiance/marriage)-17 Apr 17
Biometrics- 21 Apr 17
Application rec'd Sheffield-26 Apr 17
Decision email- 2 Jun 17-Approved!
Moved to UK-17 Jul 17
Married-5 Oct 17
FLR-M App Sent- 11 Dec 17
Biometrics letter received- 22 Dec 17
Biometrics taken- 23 Dec 17

Offline lyonaria

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2017, 07:36:07 PM »
KFdancer and Lyonaria---

Thanks to both of you. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who has struggled/is struggling with this. The plan has always been to live there for a few years and then move back to the US at some point. So, I will definitely try to make the most of it and give it everything I can.

Funny that you mention Canada---I was just talking to my fiancee last night and I said something about moving to Canada. I think it would be a good compromise. I've only been to Canada once when I was very young, but I don't see a reason I wouldn't like it. Worth looking into if England or the US don't work out!

We all definitely suggest getting citizenship, which takes 5 years. You never know what the future might bring.

My husband has an autoimmune disease so the US will never be a good place for us. Healthcare is too precarious. 
The usual. American girl meets British guy. They fall into like, then into love. Then there was the big decision. The American traveled across the pond to join the Brit. And life was never the same again.

Offline kateaz04

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2017, 07:39:41 PM »
That's the plan....I think it's the smartest way to go since you really never know. I would hate to have to go through all the visas again once it's said and done.

I work in healthcare here....so I know exactly what you mean.
Engaged-Jun 16
Applied online(fiance/marriage)-17 Apr 17
Biometrics- 21 Apr 17
Application rec'd Sheffield-26 Apr 17
Decision email- 2 Jun 17-Approved!
Moved to UK-17 Jul 17
Married-5 Oct 17
FLR-M App Sent- 11 Dec 17
Biometrics letter received- 22 Dec 17
Biometrics taken- 23 Dec 17

Offline Beatlemania

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2017, 12:00:24 AM »
Just want to add to the list of people assuring you that everything you are feeling is completely normal.  My mom was the only other person home the morning my visa arrived.  After ripping open the package and seeing that I had been approved, we both jumped around my room doing a happy dance then promptly both broke down sobbing.  It's a lot of emotions for one time.  I am so thankful that my parents, though very sad that I was moving, were supportive of my decision to move.  And I said the same thing to my husband- if I am moving to your country, you had better at least be equally willing to move to mine!  Regardless of whether or not it happens, the willingness works both ways!

I have now been here for 2 1/4 years, though I had lived in the UK for a bit on different visas before moving here permanently.  There are still things I miss but I have found things I really like in the UK.  I talk to my parents everyday through a combination of WhatsApp, Snapchat, Skype, and the O2 calling plan I have.  In that regard, it's no different than how they contact my brother who lives in Baltimore (the 'rents are in NE Ohio).  It just stinks that it is so expensive to visit them and requires a solid chunk of time (thank goodness for 30 days of annual leave!).  I certainly would not have been able to move over here if we weren't living in the technological age.  I honestly would be ambivalent about returning to the US if it weren't for my family.  We do live conveniently close to Canada, though...

KFdancer, I am in the same boat!  This is 'birthday week' in my family.  My brother's was Monday, my mom's was yesterday, and mine is tomorrow, then my dad's is in 12 days (my sister's is in August, but only after a successive string of our cousin's, grandfather's, and other grandfather's).  I am always so homesick this week because it is such a big deal in my family and we have our traditions.  I adore my in-laws and they are so kind to make my birthday a big deal (they're taking us to the movies and out for ice cream tomorrow) but it's just not quite the same if I can't drink out of the birthday cup and eat my favorite meal as prepared by my mom.  But there have been some highlights from this week.  My mom sent me Happy Birthday socks to wear tomorrow!  And I came home from work yesterday and Skyped my mom for three hours.  Really happy that I am planning to go home for our birthdays (thank you, Easter Bank Holidays!) next year.

Sorry for the rant but this topic has hit a bit close to home tonight.  You will have a bit of an emotional roller coaster in the upcoming months.  Let yourself feel it.  Make plans for yourself when you get over there.  Give yourself something to look forward to.  Throw yourself into wedding planning.  Will your mom be coming over in October for your wedding?  If you're moving in July then it won't be very long until your first visit!
Met Mr. Beatlemania: 20 Jan 2010
Tier 4 Visa Approved: 17 Sep 2012
Married: 22 Jun 2013
Spousal Visa Received:  22 Sep 2014
Ohio to Essex: 26 October 2014
FLR(M): 10 May 2017

Offline kateaz04

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2017, 01:04:15 AM »
Thanks so much for your reply. Reading that everyone else has their struggles too is really helping me (that kinds sounds bad haha).

Too funny that your folks live in Ohio, that's where a majority of my family are from and I lived there until I was 12! Our US wedding is supposed to be there in 2018 as well! We'll see though!

Don't apologize, I didn't feel you were ranting! And yes, my mom is coming out for my wedding in October as is a good friend of mine and possibly my dad. So, I do have things to look forward to and it's not like I won't know the next time I'm going to see them when I end up leaving.

Oh and Happy Birthday :) I hope that it's a great one despite being away from your family!
Engaged-Jun 16
Applied online(fiance/marriage)-17 Apr 17
Biometrics- 21 Apr 17
Application rec'd Sheffield-26 Apr 17
Decision email- 2 Jun 17-Approved!
Moved to UK-17 Jul 17
Married-5 Oct 17
FLR-M App Sent- 11 Dec 17
Biometrics letter received- 22 Dec 17
Biometrics taken- 23 Dec 17

Offline candyann

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2017, 03:51:50 PM »
All these feelings are normal. And it does not matter if you are 1 year into the process, 5 years or probably longer. There is always the potential for good days and bad days.

And I said the same thing to my husband- if I am moving to your country, you had better at least be equally willing to move to mine!  Regardless of whether or not it happens, the willingness works both ways!

This is a great and reasonable attitude to have, but I wonder how many couples really have it. I don't know how often spouses "renege" on a promise to try the other direction, but there does not seem to be a way back from a big move like this. Even though the reasons it originally made sense for me to move here no longer exist, I have never been able to persuade my partner to give it a try.

It's interesting to hear mention of Canada and the direction the US (and UK, for that matter) is or may be going. I happened to move here from Canada and have Canadian citizenship, so I am very fortunate. In theory, we could always move back there. There are ways to qualify as immigrants to Canada (unlike the UK), but it would obviously be more straightforward to apply as the partner of a citizen.
7/2000 - Emigrated USA to Canada
4/2008 - Met British partner
9/2009 - Moved to UK on Proposed CP/Fiance visa
12/2009 - Civil partnership
3/2010 - FLR(M)
2012 (? it's all a blur, but "old rules") - ILR
9/2013 - Naturalised/Right of Abode
2/2017 - Cannot leave UK until Canadian passport returned by the Home Office!

Offline Beatlemania

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2017, 06:15:38 PM »
This is a great and reasonable attitude to have, but I wonder how many couples really have it. I don't know how often spouses "renege" on a promise to try the other direction, but there does not seem to be a way back from a big move like this. Even though the reasons it originally made sense for me to move here no longer exist, I have never been able to persuade my partner to give it a try.

Some people on this forum have moved with that understanding only to have their spouse change their mind.  It is a risk you run.  A long distance move is intimidating (as we all know) but I guess you just have to go with your gut and trust your partner will keep his/her word.  I fully believe that my husband will move when the time comes- we had started filling out the paperwork for him to move to the US in 2014 when he got his job.  Fingers crossed everyone can find the path that works for them.
Met Mr. Beatlemania: 20 Jan 2010
Tier 4 Visa Approved: 17 Sep 2012
Married: 22 Jun 2013
Spousal Visa Received:  22 Sep 2014
Ohio to Essex: 26 October 2014
FLR(M): 10 May 2017

Offline jimbocz

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #14 on: April 11, 2017, 01:09:19 PM »
Kids will put a damper on any plans to move back to the states.  If you have kids, you'll be too busy and won't be able to go without healthcare for the time it takes to get settled.

I've lived here for 17 years and NEVER think about moving back.  I'm fine as things are.  I wonder if that's because it's a third country?  My wife and I share the struggle more because neither of us are in their home country