Author Topic: I'm sure this is normal but...  (Read 1749 times)

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Offline candyann

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #15 on: April 11, 2017, 02:38:55 PM »
I've lived here for 17 years and NEVER think about moving back.  I'm fine as things are.  I wonder if that's because it's a third country?  My wife and I share the struggle more because neither of us are in their home country

You might have a point there. In another life (and another marriage), neither of us was in our home country and we shared the struggle together. But I always felt that we were "becoming Canadian" and that Canada was where I would always stay.

Then, like many people here, I met this Brit...Moving to a spouse's home country is a different experience and one that the spouse doesn't share in the same way.
7/2000 - Emigrated USA to Canada
4/2008 - Met British partner
9/2009 - Moved to UK on Proposed CP/Fiance visa
12/2009 - Civil partnership
3/2010 - FLR(M)
2012 (? it's all a blur, but "old rules") - ILR
9/2013 - Naturalised/Right of Abode
2/2017 - Cannot leave UK until Canadian passport returned by the Home Office!

Offline Beatlemania

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #16 on: April 11, 2017, 06:15:14 PM »
Kids will put a damper on any plans to move back to the states.  If you have kids, you'll be too busy and won't be able to go without healthcare for the time it takes to get settled.

I would have no problems living here forever if my parents could join us.  Unfortunately, my ancestors lived the American dream for far too long for this to be a possibility.   :-\\\\
Met Mr. Beatlemania: 20 Jan 2010
Tier 4 Visa Approved: 17 Sep 2012
Married: 22 Jun 2013
Spousal Visa Received:  22 Sep 2014
Ohio to Essex: 26 October 2014
FLR(M): 10 May 2017

Offline inversed

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    • Island Life (without the palm trees)
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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #17 on: April 13, 2017, 03:24:08 PM »
That's how we feel. Love it here, except our entire family is back in the States and I can't imagine our boys growing up without their grandparents and cousins.

Offline BertineC

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #18 on: April 14, 2017, 11:14:06 AM »
Kids will put a damper on any plans to move back to the states.  If you have kids, you'll be too busy and won't be able to go without healthcare for the time it takes to get settled.

I've lived here for 17 years and NEVER think about moving back.  I'm fine as things are.  I wonder if that's because it's a third country?  My wife and I share the struggle more because neither of us are in their home country

Same for us - maybe its because neither of us had pre-existing relationships and history that it was pretty much bonding trying to figure out the UK/British. Its very different when we are in his country (Sweden) - one summer we were there an extended amount of time and I blew up one night over how boring his mother's conversation was. I felt terrible because she is a lovely woman but DAMN - this was in Swedish too! However he fell into normal family patterns which made no sense to me (much the same when he complains about my airhead mother when we visit my parents, but it doesn't bother me :)).  While the US is potentially on the cards, moving back to Sweden is so remote we don't even consider it.

The first time i moved here it was for a British guy and I never felt settled. I loved it but it felt precarious and I never got on with his family and their idiosyncrasies. In the end _I_ was the one who pulled the plug and moved back home. I dont remember feeling particularly sad either time I moved overseas, more overwhelmed with everything that had to be done. Then again I spent a lot of time in my younger years moving or summers away from parents, nor do I speak with my family a lot (every month and a half or so).

Look at it as an adventure but always have a backup plan or money "just in case"!
« Last Edit: April 14, 2017, 11:17:51 AM by BertineC »

Offline AV

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #19 on: April 20, 2017, 11:29:48 PM »

Then, like many people here, I met this Brit...Moving to a spouse's home country is a different experience and one that the spouse doesn't share in the same way.

That's what I find the hardest about this process. I've moved and lived abroad before. My spouse will never be able to move back to the US with me, so this is a permanent decision. That's the difference--that she has never experienced giving up an entire life and starting a new one.

The hard parts about being away, and the fear of leaping into the unknown (what will happen?) has been even more difficult due to the exorbitant fees and demands of the visa process. And I'm stuck in this always-in-limbo position due to the complete unpredictability of timing. It's costing me thousands of dollars extra to stay stateside because my wife wouldn't get paperwork done the first hundred times I asked. It's frustrating...and it's scary to think that I will be 100% dependent on her for at least the next five years. Even if I have money of my own, my visa will depend on her say-so and getting the paperwork done for all the next steps in the process.

It's hard to start any new life in a new country, but taking a huge risk like this means worrying that small issues are a sign of much bigger issues to come--and then I'll be stuck in a foreign country with no way out.

It's terrifying, what we're doing. Even in the best of circumstances, it's huge and potentially catastrophic.

I think it's smarter to be scared and take appropriate precautions (unfortunately, I can't as I watch thousands of dollars fly out of the window due to decisions my wife made) than to blindly hope for the best. If I weren't having to spend a fortune maintaining my household here until my visa comes through, I'd establish a personal bank account in the UK once I got there...enough to see me through should the worst happen. As it is, I am now frittering that money away on food and utilities and rent. So...it's hard.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2017, 01:08:40 PM by AV »
Online application submitted April 5, 2017
Biometrics & shipping to UK April 17, 2017
Email confirmation from Sheffield April 24, 2017
Submitted ToR May 12, 2017
Decision email: June 2, 2017

Offline jimbocz

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #20 on: April 21, 2017, 10:17:59 AM »
AV, you sound like you are having some doubt s but your head is screwed on the right way .  Maybe your instinct is trying to tell you something important.

Offline eatoomey

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #21 on: April 21, 2017, 12:41:20 PM »
Kids will put a damper on any plans to move back to the states.  If you have kids, you'll be too busy and won't be able to go without healthcare for the time it takes to get settled.

I've lived here for 17 years and NEVER think about moving back.  I'm fine as things are.  I wonder if that's because it's a third country?  My wife and I share the struggle more because neither of us are in their home country

Us, too Jimbo. My husband's a Kiwi. I think it definitely helps.

Though the lucky bastard is inherently so much more culturally British than I am as a yank.

But sweetly, there are some Kiwi things from his childhood that were American as well - especially television shows that we both watched that are unfamiliar to Brits.

Anyways. Such a big move. But one of you has to do it, there's no getting around it, no solution, as it were.

I love it here. But the family thing is hard. But in comparison to 2001 when I first moved over its miles easier. Nowadays I talk to my family ALL. THE. TIME. It's the group events and the growing kids - those are the only things that I feel I truly miss out on.
Sept 2001 - June 2006: studied at the University of Glasgow and the University of Strathclyde
Aug 2010 - Dec 2010: in UK on holiday visa
Jan 2011: issued fiancée visa
July 2011: issued FLR(M)
March 2012: DD1
June 2013: issued ILR
November 2013: DD2

Offline lyonaria

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #22 on: April 21, 2017, 12:46:19 PM »
Hey AV,

It totally daunting, I know. My husband couldn't really move to the US with me either, but his reason is because he has an autoimmune disease that could bankrupt us financially if he had a major flare up in a single payer healthcare system.

Have you had this conversation with your spouse? It's one my husband and I have had several times, including before we applied and since I've moved here. He's very appreciative and understanding about my feelings.

There are a few things that you may not know.

Yes, your ability to stay in the UK is ties to your spouse but you don't have to rely on her income for your next visa. You can use your own. We weren't able to use mine this time  since I had switched jobs with only 4 months on my visa. The categories are the same for either of you but you wouldn't have to use self employment.

And the other, is don't be too harsh with her in regards to not getting the paperwork for you quickly. It's the most annoying thing, and it really adds stress (Don't I know it) but I'm coming to realise that Brits work very differently than Americans. They seem to think that contacting someone about something and then waiting to get it is doing 'enough'. You and I, we don't think that. I think it has to do with Brits and their queueing mindset. Waiting for something is an active thing here, whereas waiting is a very passive thing in the US. We're impatient and have such a fast food culture. (Fast food is not fast in the UK).

Everything you are feeling is valid and important. And fellow expats are the best people to commiserate with. Just make sure you also chat with your spouse.  :)
The usual. American girl meets British guy. They fall into like, then into love. Then there was the big decision. The American traveled across the pond to join the Brit. And life was never the same again.

Offline jessmed3

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #23 on: April 24, 2017, 01:58:32 AM »
What a great thread--definitely makes me feel better to find some company in this situation.

When we found out my husband got the U.K. job he applied for (assuming he would never get it after living in US since 2003) I was inconsolable for a few days (despite it being my idea!). I was so worried we'd make the wrong decision.

We had the luxury of choosing to stay or go. Problem with going was less money, more adventure, wayyy more hassle! Also I have 3 kids under 10 too so that is adding to my worries...but they are so adaptable. If we stayed, his job was getting a little precarious...but that was the only downside really. We had (have still) a great house, good friends, my family...and my U.K. husband actually reallly likes it here in Florida. But it is really just the chance of a lifetime and we just decided to take the leap.

He's been there for 3 weeks now. And we have at least 6-7 to go. He's getting our new little family home all set up (we shipped our dogs too thank goodness) and working away...meanwhile I'm taking care of visa/passports/selling the house and everything in it...oh and the kids!

It was my birthday this week, and American Mother's Day coming up. Just kind of getting sad not having him here with us.

And it's kind of funny but he got a bit down in the dumps today because he ruined an IKEA dresser he was trying to put together backwards. Meanwhile in FL, we had an open house and still no offers (and with this move...every dollar we make on this house matters so much--after applying this week and passports, IKEA etc our credit card nearly doubled!)

I think we just hit a tough week where we are like...I hope this is worth it. Thanks for the vent!  :-[
Application: April 5
Biometrics: April 13
Received: April 19
Decision email: June 6
Decision: June 8 -- APPROVED! 😊
Arrived in UK: June 24, 2017 🇬🇧🇺🇸

Offline anais97

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #24 on: April 24, 2017, 08:25:59 PM »
I moved here on my own (no job, no guy, just knew one or two people in the country). I was absolutely all for the adventure, but can recall one evening in particular, about two weeks before I was to leave, where I just fell on the floor of my condo, freaking out and crying/ wailing, "What the hell am I doing?!?" So, yeah, it's normal.

But I still knew in my heart I wanted to try it. And seven years later, I'm still here and love it.

Besides, i reasoned, if it doesn't work out, I don't need a visa to return home.

Offline Jettagirl81

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #25 on: April 06, 2018, 02:01:27 PM »
I just found this thread.  The last few days have been super stress filled for me and I've been having panic attacks.  We've just made the decision to have him come here to the US at the end of this month so we can get married and then I'll apply for the spousal visa instead.  I'm now finding myself in a sea of second guessing.  I'm so scared I'm making the wrong life decision.  I love him, but is that enough?  I'm giving up everything for him...what if something goes wrong? I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night thinking about anything and everything that could possibly go wrong.  So it's nice to know that I'm not the only person that has gone through these fears...

Offline KFdancer

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #26 on: April 06, 2018, 02:18:31 PM »
I just found this thread.  The last few days have been super stress filled for me and I've been having panic attacks.  We've just made the decision to have him come here to the US at the end of this month so we can get married and then I'll apply for the spousal visa instead.  I'm now finding myself in a sea of second guessing.  I'm so scared I'm making the wrong life decision.  I love him, but is that enough?  I'm giving up everything for him...what if something goes wrong? I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night thinking about anything and everything that could possibly go wrong.  So it's nice to know that I'm not the only person that has gone through these fears...

Big hugs!

Cold feet is perfectly normal.  But that should just be nerves/jitters about the big change ahead.

Anything more serious underlying?

Yes, moving for someone is a MASSIVE deal.  No doubt about that.  I am always grateful that I didn't move here *for* my husband (we met after I was in the UK working on a work visa).  But it could and is likely totally worth the risk!

Always have a "get out of jail" plan if needed.   ;)

Offline Jettagirl81

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #27 on: April 06, 2018, 03:16:48 PM »
Big hugs!

Cold feet is perfectly normal.  But that should just be nerves/jitters about the big change ahead.

Anything more serious underlying?

Yes, moving for someone is a MASSIVE deal.  No doubt about that.  I am always grateful that I didn't move here *for* my husband (we met after I was in the UK working on a work visa).  But it could and is likely totally worth the risk!

Always have a "get out of jail" plan if needed.   ;)

Nothing serious that I can think of really.  The fact that I'm completely uprooting my preteen to a life she won't be used to and away from all of her friends, and it's a HUGE chunk of money to spend for uncertainty.  I broke down to him the other week because all the stress of the money and the visas has really gotten to me.  I'm at a place now where I'm not excited about the wedding, I just want to get it done and over with so my anxiety and worrying will stop.  I'm in my mid-30's and this is my first marriage.  If this whole process has taught me anything it's that I'm so far from a romance movie character.  I'm statistical and calculated, and a complete over thinker.  Everything that could possibly go wrong in the next 5 years, I've already considered.  But then I worry some thing is wrong with me for not being wild and crazy excited. 

It's only 10:15am and I don't really drink, but I kind of want a mimosa.  LOL

Offline KFdancer

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #28 on: April 06, 2018, 04:06:19 PM »
Nothing serious that I can think of really.  The fact that I'm completely uprooting my preteen to a life she won't be used to and away from all of her friends, and it's a HUGE chunk of money to spend for uncertainty.  I broke down to him the other week because all the stress of the money and the visas has really gotten to me.  I'm at a place now where I'm not excited about the wedding, I just want to get it done and over with so my anxiety and worrying will stop.  I'm in my mid-30's and this is my first marriage.  If this whole process has taught me anything it's that I'm so far from a romance movie character.  I'm statistical and calculated, and a complete over thinker.  Everything that could possibly go wrong in the next 5 years, I've already considered.  But then I worry some thing is wrong with me for not being wild and crazy excited. 

It's only 10:15am and I don't really drink, but I kind of want a mimosa.  LOL

I'm similar.  There's a reason I'm a successful analyst in the corporate world.  I over analyse EVERYTHING!   ;D

Moving with a preteen definitely makes the circumstances more complicated.  I can understand the anxiety and worry.  How does she feel about the move?

Is your partner helping with the costs of the visas and move?

Offline Jettagirl81

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Re: I'm sure this is normal but...
« Reply #29 on: April 06, 2018, 06:22:07 PM »
I'm similar.  There's a reason I'm a successful analyst in the corporate world.  I over analyse EVERYTHING!   ;D

Moving with a preteen definitely makes the circumstances more complicated.  I can understand the anxiety and worry.  How does she feel about the move?

Is your partner helping with the costs of the visas and move?

It depends on the day you ask her how she feels.  Some days she's good and alright with our adventure and other days she doesn't want to leave at all.  Either way she's really not too excited.

I'm covering 100% of our visa and moving costs.  As well as over half of the wedding costs... My mom pointed out to me the other week how it's not quite fair that I'm losing my mind in anxiety and fear and he's pretty much just waiting for us to arrive.  I'm certainly not marrying him for his money but I'm struggling with thoughts that this really shouldn't all be on my shoulders...I'm a state worker so I'm nowhere near wealthy.  As a solo parent, I've had to live with my parents for the last 12.5 years since I can't afford my own apartment here.  And now I've had to take a rather sizable loan in order to cover all these added costs. 

But even if I would change my mind at this point, I couldn't.  My dress is purchased and family and friends from the US have already gotten their tickets and vacations planned.