Unsolicited advice

I'm currently in the US for a couple months while my husband is away on military deployment. I'm having a great time here and it's awesome to be back except.... my brother in law "picks on me" and doles out a bunch of unwanted advice. I am not sure if he means well or not, but I think doing this makes him feel better about himself. He's always been like this (seen him do it to others, too), but I feel it's been to an excessive amount since I arrived a couple weeks ago... Not gonna lie, I've struggled career-wise and have had other personal, difficult times (which delayed some things) since moving to the UK. To keep it short, there is no equivalent job in the UK to what I used to do in the US.  I was also offered a job earlier this year, but it disappointingly fell through due to budget cuts. So, it's took a while and I'm still trying to figure things out. I know what types of jobs I'm interested in, though. My family is aware of this, but I've never asked anyone for advice except my mom. I'm a fairly private, quiet person and don't really discuss any of my concerns except with my mom and husband.

Well, my BIL takes this and runs with it. Tells me I need to focus and "make lots of money, money equals freedom" blah blah more money talk. I will also add here that my BIL is a wealthy, successful businessman and is VERY money-oriented. Yesterday was my sister's birthday and we went to their house to celebrate. There were some family there and friends of theirs, who are also a wealthy, successful couple. Well, I baked my sister a cake. I enjoy baking/cooking as a hobby and have gotten many compliments on it in the past. My family has even suggested I go into baking professionally, but I am 110% sure this is NOT what I want to do! I enjoy it, but I'm def not interested in it as a career. I know plenty of people who are fantastic bakers or cooks, but that's not their career.

They were all raving about the cake. Of course BIL has something to say and starts hounding me in front of everyone... "you NEED to go into cooking or baking. This will make you lots and lots of money but you don't want to listen." He said more too. Then his friends, who I barely know, chime in! The wife suggests I work as a private chef "for a nice family or something" while the husband says that sometimes you need to go with what will make you successful, not necessarily what your background is in. Whoa, everyone chill. It made me feel uncomfortable and awkward, and I do not like having all that attention on me. Not to mention it's not anyone's business!

My BIL has also shelled out advice on kids too, to a negative degree. My husband and I are not sure about kids... we're certainly in no rush, and in no position to have kids right now. We'll see how it pans out. BIL said that once you have kids "you're stuck in one place. Your freedom is gone and you'll hardly come back to visit the states anymore." I may not be a parent, but this is not a view I share. (Case in point, my sister's friend used to live in France. They had two kids and came back to the states at least once a year. They also moved back to the states when their kids were 8 and 10. And look at all the families in UKY in similar situations!). But by golly, if you tell my BIL that you don't necessarily agree with him, he gets defensive.

Not looking for a response, just needed somewhere to get it off my chest! Hoping BIL takes a chill pill soon.

How is your BIL related?  Married to your sister?  Try to ignore him.  Sounds like he's projecting his own insecurities on you.

My BIL is irritating in other ways.  (Husband's brother). Nice guy, but he has a way of manipulating situations to revolve around him.  Works the system, that kind of thing.  Well, I had a baby boy a month ago...  and he looks a LOT like BIL.     Just hoping he doesn't act like BIL!

Next time he pulls the "We keep telling you to do xyz, but you don't listen!" just respond with "Oh, I'm listening! But as I keep telling you, it's not the type of career that I am looking for. It's a very fun hobby that I am happy everybody can enjoy, but it's not what I want for a career." Have you told your sister that his continual hounding is bothering you? I think I would probably approach him first (if you're close enough with him) and then go to my sister if it didn't stop to ask her to get him to lay off and let her know how he's making me feel. It sounds like he means well, but perhaps you just need to directly say to him next time "I appreciate your input and I've heard what you have to say, but I just don't agree and I would appreciate it if you would stop, please. I know you mean well, but it's really turning me off to wanting to listen." or something along those lines. You can be super polite and friendly about it, but make sure you are firm and convey that you are serious about your message and that his constant poking and prodding really does upset you. It's okay to view the world differently, but he doesn't have to ram his opinion down your throat like it's gospel. Give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he doesn't realise how irritating/off-putting he's being. If he doesn't stop when you tell him it bothers you, however, I would just up-the-ante. Like when he says things to you in public, respond with a "we've had this conversation over and over and I've asked you to stop." Perhaps calling him out publicly will put an end to it if nothing else will.

He's just trying to be the big man. I'm sure he wouldn't be bullying you like that if your husband were there...

Yes, it's my sister's husband. Thanks, all. He's actually a fun guy when he's not in one of these weird hounding moods, it's too bad  My husband and BIL get along really well, so yeah, I can imagine he wouldn't be doing all this if he were around!

My brother in law's brother is even worse than he is! Big hotshot who has a very high opinion of himself. He's in in constant antagonizing mode- I don't know how his wife copes. People are strange 

My BIL is irritating in other ways.  (Husband's brother). Nice guy, but he has a way of manipulating situations to revolve around him.  Works the system, that kind of thing.  Well, I had a baby boy a month ago...  and he looks a LOT like BIL.     Just hoping he doesn't act like BIL!

So... I'm guessing Bill isn't an option for your yet-to-be-named son? 

So... I'm guessing Bill isn't an option for your yet-to-be-named son? 

I was about to say the same thing! You will not be giving your baby boy the same name as your BIL!

The French term for Red Neck Jerk is "Beau Frere", literally, Brother in law. 

If he thinks that just because someone has the skills to make a decent cake, they can be a professional cook, he knows nothing!

Brother in laws can be strange. Neither of my BILs (on my side-- sisters' husbands) get along, which has made for some awkward family get togethers. Both live in different states so they only see each other about once a year, luckily! They're both highly opinionated, but have vastly different personalities and ways of thinking, so they just downright clash. Plus, one brother in law is very highly strung and doesn't have much tolerance for people who aren't on his same wavelength........ not the easiest person to be around at times.

Without being bias my husband is by far the most easygoing and friendly, and plays nice with everyone 

Oh, brother-in-laws Ugh.

If my sister's husband was a casual acquaintance, I would have nothing but good things to say about him. He's fun and the life of the party and he makes me laugh. Sadly, I know that he's abused my sister, can't keep a job, has stolen from our father. *sigh* My sister finally left the jerk and is hiding out somewhere. I could care less what he thinks, for sure.

But my husband's brother is strangely much more difficult. He's a good husband and father but he's such a jerk to us. He is always making fun of my voice/accent, tells me my opinion doesn't matter because all American's are stupid or that we are all fat and has actually told my husband, his brother, that he needed to move back to England because he was "overindulging in American ways". It was in reference to my husband putting on weight. I know he does it to get a rise out of me and I say nothing but he's so irritating. I think he really bothers me because my husband always told me how much he likes his brother and how important he was to him. It is odd to me that his brother is such a jerk.

When we lived in England, my husband owned a telephony consultancy company and was financially successful. My BIL and his wife would come to our home and actually make comments of every single thing we had in our home and would actually say, "it's interesting that money doesn't buy class" and stupid things like that. My SIL made that comment at a framed poster I had in my living room of the "Virgen de Guadalupe" that is the patron saint of Mexico. It was my mother's and since my Dad is from Mexico and I have four Mexican-born grandparents, it's important to me. I nearly snapped that woman like a twig but my husband reminded me that they were looking for that reaction. My husband treated himself to a convertible. My BIL told him that was vulgar and sad that his brother was a traitor to his council estate/working class background. He was exhausting!

In the 13 years we've lived in the US, my husband has only seen him once and he didn't even acknowledge my husband. My MIL was happy to tell him that we are making progress towards our return to the UK and he told her he simply didn't care. Oh well.

Family...*sigh*



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Oh, brother-in-laws Ugh.

If my sister's husband was a casual acquaintance, I would have nothing but good things to say about him. He's fun and the life of the party and he makes me laugh. Sadly, I know that he's abused my sister, can't keep a job, has stolen from our father. *sigh* My sister finally left the jerk and is hiding out somewhere. I could care less what he thinks, for sure.

But my husband's brother is strangely much more difficult. He's a good husband and father but he's such a jerk to us. He is always making fun of my voice/accent, tells me my opinion doesn't matter because all American's are stupid or that we are all fat and has actually told my husband, his brother, that he needed to move back to England because he was "overindulging in American ways". It was in reference to my husband putting on weight. I know he does it to get a rise out of me and I say nothing but he's so irritating. I think he really bothers me because my husband always told me how much he likes his brother and how important he was to him. It is odd to me that his brother is such a jerk.

When we lived in England, my husband owned a telephony consultancy company and was financially successful. My BIL and his wife would come to our home and actually make comments of every single thing we had in our home and would actually say, "it's interesting that money doesn't buy class" and stupid things like that. My SIL made that comment at a framed poster I had in my living room of the "Virgen de Guadalupe" that is the patron saint of Mexico. It was my mother's and since my Dad is from Mexico and I have four Mexican-born grandparents, it's important to me. I nearly snapped that woman like a twig but my husband reminded me that they were looking for that reaction. My husband treated himself to a convertible. My BIL told him that was vulgar and sad that his brother was a traitor to his council estate/working class background. He was exhausting!

In the 13 years we've lived in the US, my husband has only seen him once and he didn't even acknowledge my husband. My MIL was happy to tell him that we are making progress towards our return to the UK and he told her he simply didn't care. Oh well.

Family...*sigh*



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Your BIL's (and his wife's) behaviour is disgusting. Like I don't even have words. All I'm going to say is that if I were you, there would have been one and only one invite over! That takes some serious balls (and not in a positive way) to insult somebody so overtly in their own home.

He's likely jealous of what you and your husband have and what your husband has been able to become while he's still stuck living the council estate/working class life. it's easier to tell his brother that he's betrayed his heritage and upbringing than it is to acknowledge that you and your husband have worked hard to build yourselves this life instead of just accepting that you're born one way and should only ever stay that one way. I think it's probably for the best that you've not had much contact with your husband's brother.

Reading this stories makes me feel incredibly lucky because I have two good brother in law's that are married to my sisters and two good ones that I married into (husband's brothers). I may not see eye to eye 100% with all of them all the time and some I'm closer to than other's (one I've known since I was like 10 as he was dating my sister so I treat him and his brother's like they are my own family and have mistakenly called him "brother" instead of BIL before when talking about him). My husband's brothers will tease me but they tease everybody and it's in good nature (I give it as well as I get it). I can't even imagine how difficult it must be and I feel like I'm angry/irritated for you guys!

I feel like I lucked out too - My husband's family is the kindest group of people you'll ever meet, and my sister married someone I get along with better than her.

Really hope your family backs off quickly! If they don't, you may need to be a little bit direct with them so they realize you're not as helpless as they seem to have in their mind. Understanding the cultural & financial differences between the UK and US can be very hard to grasp for some, because the pound is valued so much more than the dollar I've noticed that a lot of my friends thought they earned more/lived better in the UK.