How to meet & keep new homegirls??

Hi everyone,

So, I did see that something similar has been asked in this forum previously but it seemed to be quite some time ago and I am wanting some more current views on the topic. Hopefully I'm posting this in the right place. Let's talk about finding/making/keeping new girlfriends.

Now, I haven't officially moved to the UK yet. Though I am currently here on my passport for a couple months staying with my fiance. This is my sixth visit to England in the past year. I absolutely love it here... yes, even this gloomy summer weather! This time around, it's probably more like what real life will be like here when I do move here as my fiance is working (no holidays, etc) and I am sat at home by myself during the day since I can't work here.

On previous visits I have met his friends' wives and I have spent time with his sisters while he is present. This time around, I have reached out to a few of them to try to connect on our own. Maybe have a coffee and a chat or something like that. I figure that since I'm the new girl in town, it might be wise of me to maybe do the reaching out. Now, I'll be honest, if the tables were turned and someone was coming to my country and knew no one, I'd reach out to that person and try to befriend her. I am always thinking of other people and hate the idea that someone might be lonely and isolated. I'd always try to make a newcomer feel quite welcome. But I have learned in life that I can't expect anyone to do things the way I might do them.

Anyway, I digress. So, it just doesn't feel like these ladies (with the exception of his oldest sister) are too excited to hang out with me. I've put feelers out. They know I'm here. But it's just hard to get anything together. Even when I've been with my fiance in a group setting with these women, I don't feel as though they even do much to include me in the conversation. I feel invisible. And I'm a very open person, very friendly and kind. And I am a total girl's girl. Back in LA, I had a couple of super close girlfriends and several a-little-less-close girlfriends too. There was always someone to meet at the mall or Starbucks, play tennis or head to the beach with or even just to stop by her house for a catch up. It felt so easy to make and have friends.

Here, I wonder if these women even like me. For a person like me who struggles with self-esteem issues, this almost crushes my spirit. I'm feeling a bit afraid now about moving here. I love my fiance very much but I also need some friends to help keep me sane. I can't imagine being stuck here every day with no one to talk to or grab a coffee with.

I even thought that I'd try to get involved with yoga here (which has been tough as hell to find) and maybe meet some nice ladies in yoga class. Well, I reached out to one of the few (and I mean like three) yoga teachers around the area and she barely wrote me back. I had to write twice for her to initially contact me back. And then I responded with the info she requested only to have her never reply again. And with that, I'm done with her. I don't do well with that especially when it reflects business and professionalism. It seems almost as though she doesn't need or want me and I'm just not one to chase anyone down. I give it a couple of goes and then move on. Though I'm lonely, I've not quite yet met the point of desperation.

Also, I guess I'm very American in that I love to chat it up with a stranger. I love to meet new people and learn things about them. Like, if I go to a coffee house (and it's not super busy), I'll start a conversation with a barista or a server. And I'm used to people being that way with me too. In England, when I've tried to be personable, I generally get a quick response and it ends at that. And practically no one has tried to chat with me at all. I know I look like an outsider and I've assumed that's the reason.

So, I'm just already sensing that this is going to be hard when it comes to making friends. A girl like me needs her girls. I still have close friends back in the states. We have been talking via facetime and whatsapp, etc. Thank God for them... they keep me sane. But I know I need (and want) real flesh and blood friends here in the UK too! I feel like if I move here and don't make friends relatively quickly, I'll decline rather fast as I am prone to depression.

I don't want to assume or generalize so please don't take this as me judging. I so understand that different cultures have different practices and different ways of socializing. And again, I'm ready to learn a new way of life. I'm not expecting anyone to cater to my American needs or way of being. I'm just trying to understand and adjust... But are British women generally less open to newcomers? Are British women quite clique-ish? What is the best way to make new girlfriends here in England? I've always been told that it's good to just be yourself and the people who are meant to be in your life, will show up. But I'm just feeling like I'm in for some lonely days ahead when it comes to finding some new homegirls.

Thoughts? Advice? Experiences?

 

I read a fascinating article the other day that said one of the main reasons men don't want to get married these days is because many of them don't have a single (as in one) friend to be their best man.  Many people end up asking virtual strangers because they don't know anybody. 

It's not you, it's not because your an outsider, it's not because people can see that you are different by your looks. 

I also read that the second most common reason people visit their GPs is depression. 

If you look back over previous posts, you'll see your post written a hundred times before.  It's not you. 

The number one rule of making friends with British people is don't force it. Don't push, don't try too hard. Just be there and let them come to you. It may take a while.

One thing that I'd ask myself in your shoes (and it seems like we have very different personalities--I never talk to strangers and don't mind being alone) is do you really want to be friends with the people you're trying to be friends with? Are you trying to befriend them because you actually like them or because you just want a friend? If it's the first, don't give up, if it's the second, maybe try someone else? Some people may not appreciate being used to fill your time when they don't feel they really have anything in common with you. Keep trying to find someone you do have something in common with. Don't give up on the yoga--you can't necessarily judge British customer interactions by American standards. Does the woman you wrote to give actual classes or is it one-to-one lessons? If it's classes, can you just show up? Is there a studio you could go to? Face to face interactions might go better than e-mail.

The friends I've made here come from work, the local coffee shop, and the gym. The first isn't an option for you yet, but you could try the others. In the coffee shop, don't come on too strong. Make light conversation and let people get used to seeing you. Bring a book, that might help start a conversation. Don't try to force things to happen too fast.

Making genuine friends of the kind that will last requires a foundation of trust. Many people don't like to spend time with people until that trust has been established. It doesn't have to be rock-solid, but it has to be there, and it takes time to form. Be patient. It'll happen

Also: Where are you living?

I think you were on the right track when you reached out to the yoga instructor, but you were unlucky in hitting up the one who isn't trying to fill his/her class, and he/she didn't feel compelled to usher you in with open arms.  Maybe they've got a full class, already.  Who knows?.  But, yes, definitely move on from that one.

You said there were some others in your area.  Try them.  Get into a group.  Start building a life for yourself.

As to the floundering friendships with the wives/partners of your fiance's friends, it's entirely possible (probable, even, considering you're coming from LA*) that you just have nothing in common with them.  Trying to force a friendship because you just happen to be marrying someone whose friend is husband to them doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  Being friends due to circumstance isn't true friendship**.  It's just passing time together.  Unless you find you have some connection outside of being partners of some of the guys in a group of friends, don't focus on them so much.  In cases where you're socially obligated to spend time with them, be yourself and be friendly, and let any friendships that might occur happen organically.  In the meantime, go forth into the world.  Find activity groups.  Take up a hobby that gets you out of the house.  You'll meet people, in your own way, and they will be your people, so it won't be forced or awkward.

Think about it.  All those friends and casual acquaintances you have in LA are ones you met in your own way, being yourself.  They're not in your life just because they happen to be your boyfriend's brother's best friend's sister-in-law.  They are people you intentionally decided to befriend and spend time with because you have similar interests and enjoy being around each other.  Your fiance's friend's wife?  You didn't pick her.  Why do you care if she likes you?  You picked your fiance... if he likes you, that's enough out of that group.


* I lived in LA (Culver City) for most of 2011.  I'm allowed to say whatever I want about the city.  I dreaded moving there before I arrived, but I thoroughly enjoyed my time there while I was there.  The climate is amazing, the region has everything, and if you were bored there it was your own fault.  But here in the UK, even if you live in London, it's a completely different lifestyle.  Therefore, the people approach life differently.  Prepare to slow down a lot.

** I fell into this trap in a previous relationship.  It started out as a long-distance relationship, but then I relocated to live with him.  I was new to the area, and I tried to just shoehorn myself into this group.  The guys had all grown up together and/or gone to university together, and the wives had been around for years.  They were all a very close friend group, virtually a family.  And I came along, from out of state, and I didn't fit in with them for so many reasons.  I was only there because my then-boyfriend and I were together.  He chose me.  They didn't.  And that was fine.  I didn't really relate to them, anyway.  They were a different type of person to me, and I was probably never going to fit in, or if I did, it would have been completely tedious. (Like gouge out my own eyeballs, tedious!)

I read a fascinating article the other day that said one of the main reasons men don't want to get married these days is because many of them don't have a single (as in one) friend to be their best man.  Many people end up asking virtual strangers because they don't know anybody. 

It's not you, it's not because your an outsider, it's not because people can see that you are different by your looks. 

I also read that the second most common reason people visit their GPs is depression. 

If you look back over previous posts, you'll see your post written a hundred times before.  It's not you.

I think you're really on the right track with this in that I feel like society as a whole is becoming more and more fragmented. Face to face interactions are becoming less popular as people opt for the convenience of online interaction and social media acceptance. I definitely feel like people of the world are becoming more friendless and less publicly social. Just about everything is virtual now... which is not entirely bad i.e. this forum is extremely helpful and useful. But I do believe in time it might mean our downfall as a human race. We are social creatures and when that begins to dissipate you do tend to find more of us in a depressive state. I think the beauty of life is in the connections we make with others. Anyway, didn't mean to get too deep. I wholeheartedly appreciate your response. 

The number one rule of making friends with British people is don't force it. Don't push, don't try too hard. Just be there and let them come to you. It may take a while.

One thing that I'd ask myself in your shoes (and it seems like we have very different personalities--I never talk to strangers and don't mind being alone) is do you really want to be friends with the people you're trying to be friends with? Are you trying to befriend them because you actually like them or because you just want a friend? If it's the first, don't give up, if it's the second, maybe try someone else? Some people may not appreciate being used to fill your time when they don't feel they really have anything in common with you. Keep trying to find someone you do have something in common with. Don't give up on the yoga--you can't necessarily judge British customer interactions by American standards. Does the woman you wrote to give actual classes or is it one-to-one lessons? If it's classes, can you just show up? Is there a studio you could go to? Face to face interactions might go better than e-mail.

The friends I've made here come from work, the local coffee shop, and the gym. The first isn't an option for you yet, but you could try the others. In the coffee shop, don't come on too strong. Make light conversation and let people get used to seeing you. Bring a book, that might help start a conversation. Don't try to force things to happen too fast.

Making genuine friends of the kind that will last requires a foundation of trust. Many people don't like to spend time with people until that trust has been established. It doesn't have to be rock-solid, but it has to be there, and it takes time to form. Be patient. It'll happen

Also: Where are you living?

Hi! I can understand the not trying to force it thing and I agree. I tend to prefer friendships that begin organically. As for the people I am attempting to get to know, they all seem nice enough. I know that everyone I come across won't necessarily become my instant bestie but it's also disheartening when you can barely hold a generic conversation with anyone either. It's hard to know whether we have much in common since it's seemingly hard to have much conversation with them. I took it as more of them being cautious. I'm honestly not offended by their treatment of me. I just kind of started to understand that this may be the way of the people. And also, maybe it's a matter of time vs like/dislike.

As far as the yoga goes, she does one-on-one lessons (which was what I was opting for just to get active) as well as group classes. Unfortunately, the group classes are in the evenings and that's the only time I really have to spend with my honey as he works long construction hours during the day. I was hoping to find classes that run in the daytime but may have to hop on the train over to Carlisle (I'm in Penrith) to have more options.

You are right, though... I won't give up. I'll be patient and like I said, I'll just continue to be myself... Eventually a like mind will show up... I hope!

Thanks for your response!

Hey, sorry you're having trouble meeting people... it's always hard, I think, to meet people and make friends when you're in a new town... even if you're British (which I am).

Anyway, I digress. So, it just doesn't feel like these ladies (with the exception of his oldest sister) are too excited to hang out with me. I've put feelers out. They know I'm here. But it's just hard to get anything together. Even when I've been with my fiance in a group setting with these women, I don't feel as though they even do much to include me in the conversation. I feel invisible. And I'm a very open person, very friendly and kind. And I am a total girl's girl. Back in LA, I had a couple of super close girlfriends and several a-little-less-close girlfriends too. There was always someone to meet at the mall or Starbucks, play tennis or head to the beach with or even just to stop by her house for a catch up. It felt so easy to make and have friends.

Honestly, this is very normal. In the UK, there's not really the same 'let's just meet up spontaneously' culture that there can be in the US... if you want to meet up for coffee or go out for lunch, it's something you normally have to arrange weeks in advance! I only manage to see my closest friends maybe 5 or 6 times a year because we all live in different cities and countries (and I work overseas for 3-5 months a year).

It might be that these women are not used to someone else being forward and friendly with them - they may be unfamiliar with your 'American friendliness' and aren't sure how to react to it. It could be that they aren't sure if they want to let someone else into their close-knit friendship group, i.e. it's unfamiliar and it could change their dynamic. Or it could be that they are busy themselves and don't have much free time to meet up. As others have said though, don't push it... if they start feeling like you're pressurising them to socialise with you, it might scare them off .

Also, I guess I'm very American in that I love to chat it up with a stranger. I love to meet new people and learn things about them. Like, if I go to a coffee house (and it's not super busy), I'll start a conversation with a barista or a server. And I'm used to people being that way with me too. In England, when I've tried to be personable, I generally get a quick response and it ends at that. And practically no one has tried to chat with me at all. I know I look like an outsider and I've assumed that's the reason.

It's nothing to do with you specifically. It's just British culture... we don't chat to customers when we're working. They are probably uncomfortable with the fact that a stranger/customer is trying to start a conversation with them while they're working and they don't know how to handle it! They might even be worried that they could get into trouble for chatting instead of working.

As a Brit, I'm perfectly happy to strike up a conversation with a barista or a server when I visit the US, but if I try to do it in the UK, I get weird, uncomfortable looks as well .

But are British women generally less open to newcomers? Are British women quite clique-ish? What is the best way to make new girlfriends here in England?

As a British woman, who has lived in both the US and the UK, my experience has been:
- US women seem to be more sociable and friendly on the surface, but it seems quite superficial (at least from what I've experienced)... I've met/lived with American girls that I thought I would end up being friends with, and then I've found that they didn't want to be friends at all... we could spend a whole afternoon chatting and I'd think I was making a new friend and then I'd never see them again (even though they lived on the same corridor as me in the dorms).

- I think UK women are often harder to get to know at first, but if you can break through the tougher exterior, I think you're more likely to make a long-lasting friend.

- I think a lot of British women meet their closest friends at school/university and then tend to stick with those friends for many years. I know girls I went to primary school with who still hang out together now, more than 20 years later, and they don't seem to have expanded their friendship group at all since the early 90s!

- in regards to meeting new people, I'm not the best person to answer, since I've been living in my current town for almost 6 years and I have yet to make any other friends outside of work - all of my socialising here is with colleagues, and then I meet up with my non-work friends in different cities a few times a year.  So I haven't really made the effort to make friends outside of work... however, you could try things like going to gym classes, taking up a hobby, looking online for local meet-up groups, to see if that helps you meet people

Thank you!  You may be right that society is headed for big changes, and may be broken for a while while we all stare at our phones.  It could be worse, apparently the Japanese aren't even having sex because they would rather watch TV or something. 
On a practical level, and I know it's sooo cliche, but take a volley ball class or join a club.  Maybe hang out with the hash house harriers if you like to run. 

Also, check out the book called @Watching The English " , it will answer so many of your questions you didn't even know you have. 

It'll be different once you start working and meeting people that way.  If I didn't work, I probably wouldn't have any friends at all, because I quite enjoy my own company and don't really feel needful of other people.

Also, I agree with Historyenne when she said 'don't push'.  Without realising it, you may be coming across as too 'full-on'. 

I tried to be friends with my sister-in-law (husband's brother's wife) when I first moved here and it did not go well. She's ten years older than I am and we have completely different personalities. I knew for sure it would never work when I made a comment about house prices in the UK and she basically said it was a shame I wasn't super-smart like her, because she'd bought her first house in 1994 when prices were lower. Never mind that in 1994 I was in high school with no idea I'd ever live in England much less need to buy a house there. Some people you're just never going to gel with, even if they're technically family.

 
Start building a life for yourself.

As to the floundering friendships with the wives/partners of your fiance's friends, it's entirely possible (probable, even, considering you're coming from LA*) that you just have nothing in common with them.  Trying to force a friendship because you just happen to be marrying someone whose friend is husband to them doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  Being friends due to circumstance isn't true friendship**.  It's just passing time together.  Unless you find you have some connection outside of being partners of some of the guys in a group of friends, don't focus on them so much.  In cases where you're socially obligated to spend time with them, be yourself and be friendly, and let any friendships that might occur happen organically.  In the meantime, go forth into the world.  Find activity groups.  Take up a hobby that gets you out of the house.  You'll meet people, in your own way, and they will be your people, so it won't be forced or awkward.

Think about it.  All those friends and casual acquaintances you have in LA are ones you met in your own way, being yourself.  They're not in your life just because they happen to be your boyfriend's brother's best friend's sister-in-law.  They are people you intentionally decided to befriend and spend time with because you have similar interests and enjoy being around each other.  Your fiance's friend's wife?  You didn't pick her.  Why do you care if she likes you?  You picked your fiance... if he likes you, that's enough out of that group.

Sound advice! I've been trying to get out more, find activities, etc where I have the opportunity to meet other women. I had even told my fiance that during this current stay, it's been my goal to see how, where, and when I can get connected into community.

You're right, there's no reason that his friends' wives and I need to be friendly separately of us all as a group. I guess I figured though that it was worth a shot considering we had met and didn't seem to clash or anything. And really they were my first point of contact of actually having women to talk to. I'm definitely not one to force anything. I don't like it done to me so I wouldn't do it to others. I've reached out to a few of them but I've kind of left the ball in their court at this point. I look at it as they know I'm here and I've made effort. if they're interested then they know where to find me. But I just wanted to try because you never know...

For a girl like me, it's hard to not have connections but I'd rather have no connections than bad ones. I'll do my best to keep my chin up in the meantime. Thanks!

Don't know if kids are in your future, you'll have a lot of opportunities to make friends.  Once school starts, you'll know everyone.

Hey, sorry you're having trouble meeting people... it's always hard, I think, to meet people and make friends when you're in a new town... even if you're British (which I am).

Honestly, this is very normal. In the UK, there's not really the same 'let's just meet up spontaneously' culture that there can be in the US... if you want to meet up for coffee or go out for lunch, it's something you normally have to arrange weeks in advance! I only manage to see my closest friends maybe 5 or 6 times a year because we all live in different cities and countries (and I work overseas for 3-5 months a year).

It might be that these women are not used to someone else being forward and friendly with them - they may be unfamiliar with your 'American friendliness' and aren't sure how to react to it. It could be that they aren't sure if they want to let someone else into their close-knit friendship group, i.e. it's unfamiliar and it could change their dynamic. Or it could be that they are busy themselves and don't have much free time to meet up. As others have said though, don't push it... if they start feeling like you're pressurising them to socialise with you, it might scare them off .

It's nothing to do with you specifically. It's just British culture... we don't chat to customers when we're working. They are probably uncomfortable with the fact that a stranger/customer is trying to start a conversation with them while they're working and they don't know how to handle it! They might even be worried that they could get into trouble for chatting instead of working.

As a Brit, I'm perfectly happy to strike up a conversation with a barista or a server when I visit the US, but if I try to do it in the UK, I get weird, uncomfortable looks as well .

Hi! So funny because early on in our relationship even my fiance said he wasn't used to someone being so friendly to others. I'm always smiling and say "hello" to others in passing. I was raised that way and I just enjoy being polite to others. But I could see how it might come across as being contrived or fake to people who may not be used to that. It really is genuine from me. I have a heart for humans and I just love everyone! LOL!

Good to know that get-togethers take some planning. Everything in LA is just spontaneous and random. A quick text in the morning like: "What are you doing? Let's go get pancakes!" is very common amongst my group of friends. So, I'll definitely have to adjust to not having impromptu meet-ups.

I'm glad I've asked about this because I was reluctant to post it at first. But this is helping me to understand more and it kind of gives me a bit more hope. I know I'll be lonely for a little while but I'll just keep coming here and also stay in touch with my friends in the US for moral support. And I'll keep looking for social outlets and activities. I'll hang in there!

It could be worse, apparently the Japanese aren't even having sex because they would rather watch TV or something. 
 

Wha?!?!? 

Thank goodness I'm not moving to Japan then! 

It'll be different once you start working and meeting people that way.  If I didn't work, I probably wouldn't have any friends at all, because I quite enjoy my own company and don't really feel needful of other people.

I figured that once I am working, day-to-day life might become a bit more interesting. Even if I don't become close friends with my colleagues, at least it will be some type of social interaction during the weekdays when I'm not with my honey.