Need advice...sharing Christmas?

So my MIL tends to get possessive about Christmas. When I lived in the UK, she'd cry whenever me and my husband went back to the US even on years where it wasn't her turn. Anyway, we always stuck to our schedule no matter what. Well this year it's our turn to go to UK for Christmas. But a lot of things have popped up this year that has set us back quite a bit money wise but we still were planning to come back for Christmas.: we moved back to the states and have flown back to the UK twice in a month.  Once for a wedding, once for a funeral. While we were at the funeral (btw, it was my MIL's mum who passed) she brought up Christmas again. They first brought up going up north which is fine. But her whole thing is wanting everyone to sync so she can have all her sons at home every other year. My brother in law's wife is from another European country and this year it's their turn to go back to said country.

They then brought up going to sister in law's family and spending Christmas with them. But SIL felt pressure because her family has been through a big tragedy last year and she actually started to cry because if the pressure she was getting from MIL.

So MIL brought up her and my FIL coming to my family's house for Christmas. Now to be fair, my mother came one year to visit me in London and she stayed with us but came over to the in-laws for Christmas. Now the thing is, my family has a lot of dynamics that make this whole idea awkward. My parents are divorced and live in two different cities, they are two hours apart. They are nearby but whenever we go back, we have to juggle between the two. Adding my husband's parents would be yet another to visit. Plus, there's big tensions between two family members and some relationship issues my in-laws don't know about. On top of that, my dad's wife has cancer. It's under control at the moment and she's doing well but it was bad.

Also, I only get to see my family once a year. Before we moved I saw my in-laws all the time and since we've moved, we've lived with them for pretty much a month. Although they graciously hosted my mom, I'd like it to just be us and for everyone to feel like they can be themselves.

Every year she says she won't pressure us and every year she does. My husband wants to stick to the schedule but is also is open to going to my family's. I'm not sure what to do. I would rather not go to the UK again, we've spent loads of money but we can afford it but I also don't like being told where/who we should spend our time with and how we should spend our money. This whole thing is a mess and not sure what to do.

Is there any chance of your MIL spending Christmas with any of your husband's siblings this year?  Just because you don't come over for your third time this year, doesn't mean she has to come to you. She has seen you this year.  And it's her idea to get all the siblings to "sync up" Christmasses with her, so she's got to make some accommodation for that.  You already alternate years of spending Christmas with her, so she can get over missing one so that you guys can all be in sync.

Barring her going to a sibling-in-law's, just let her come over to yours.  I get awkward family dynamics, but that's just the way it is.  If she wants to impose herself on you and your family, then she has to live with whatever experience that entails.  You are not your family.  You are you, and your relationship with your MIL is between the two of you (with some influence from your husband, of course).  So she can't blame you if your great-uncle Charlie gets drunk and tries to hit on her.  Or something.  *shifty eyes*

I think it's wise of your MIL to want to sync-up Christmas with all her kids.  And I'd push for that.  So grant yourself permission to skip this year!

Yeah, it's awkward having them all together.  My parents come for Christmas every-other-year and we all spend it together.  It's a bit painful.  Actually the harder part is that Christmas is a busy time for me and I can't take time off.  We started a new deal a couple of years ago where we go there in the winter (Florida) and they come here in the summer...  but that's only happened once.  I'm REALLY trying to discourage them from coming at Christmas this year.  But my mom starts moaning that they have to spend it with one of their kids.   

Christmas Day lost its appeal with me back when I was working at a police department.  I had to work every Christmas, so Christmas became whatever day I could spend with my family near the time.

I wish this was the year my parents spend with my brother, as I'd suggest we go to the US (I'm on maternity leave so will actually be off!).  But it's their year to go to my SIL's parents.

@jfkimberly @KFdancer Thanks, its good to know what other people do. @jfkimberly based on SIL's reaction when being asked, I don't think they will go with her. However, my other BIL is not married and probably will be there so that's one son with them. I guess the big thing I've been avoiding saying is MIL is super nosey and gossipy and many times wants to know the drama with my family. This makes me and my mother uncomfortable. She even told my mother at one point my family was dysfunctional. Which, while it may have been true is really not fair to label us. Especially when their side isn't perfect either. So I guess letting her be privy to even more I don't like the idea of. Maybe I need to get over it though.

@jfkimberly @KFdancer Thanks, its good to know what other people do. @jfkimberly based on SIL's reaction when being asked, I don't think they will go with her. However, my other BIL is not married and probably will be there so that's one son with them. I guess the big thing I've been avoiding saying is MIL is super nosey and gossipy and many times wants to know the drama with my family. This makes me and my mother uncomfortable. She even told my mother at one point my family was dysfunctional. Which, while it may have been true is really not fair to label us. Especially when their side isn't perfect either. So I guess letting her be privy to even more I don't like the idea of. Maybe I need to get over it though.

My mom is the nosey one.  And quite competitive.  Not her best traits!  My MIL is not at all competitive and honestly, probably doesn't pick up on my mom's prying.     I'm pretty sure my inlaws have NO EARTHLY IDEA what my parents names are though!  Seriously.

@KFdancer Seeing your response has made me realize though that mixing the families will probably be unavoidable so maybe it's something I just have to get used to! It's hard when everyone is increasingly all over the place. Mu sister just moved as well so that's another piece of the puzzle!

@KFdancer Seeing your response has made me realize though that mixing the families will probably be unavoidable so maybe it's something I just have to get used to! It's hard when everyone is increasingly all over the place. Mu sister just moved as well so that's another piece of the puzzle!

Yeah, I know it's a *bit* tough on my mom, as she doesn't get us to herself at Christmas.  When they are here, my in laws come over.  When they go to my brother's, my SIL's mom comes (SIL's dad died suddenly a few years ago).  My parents genuinely like all the inlaws and everyone gets along well.  But I know it's not exactly what they would choose.  And it's been a loooooooooong time since my parents have seen both me and my brother on Christmas.

@jfkimberly @KFdancer Thanks, its good to know what other people do. @jfkimberly based on SIL's reaction when being asked, I don't think they will go with her. However, my other BIL is not married and probably will be there so that's one son with them.

My family and my in-laws haven't met.  In fact, nobody in my family has even met my husband, and we've been married for four years now!  In all this time, my family know I can't easily make the trip home, but nobody's suggested coming over to visit (and we don't have room to host guests if they did come, so they'd have to pay for transportation, and hotel, too).  I wouldn't say my family is dysfunctional, exactly.  But we are a bit disconnected.  Things sort of fell apart when my dad died, and nobody has made an effort to put them back together.  So take anything I say about dealing with family with a huge grain of salt.

I guess the big thing I've been avoiding saying is MIL is super nosey and gossipy and many times wants to know the drama with my family. This makes me and my mother uncomfortable. She even told my mother at one point my family was dysfunctional. Which, while it may have been true is really not fair to label us. Especially when their side isn't perfect either. So I guess letting her be privy to even more I don't like the idea of. Maybe I need to get over it though.

Okay, that is unacceptable behaviour, in my opinion!  In your first post, I mistakenly believed you were shielding your MIL from your family.  But you're shielding your family from your MIL, and rightfully so!  I would be rather reluctant to have her come to mine for Christmas, too, if she can't be polite.

What does your spouse want to do?

@KFdancer Seeing your response has made me realize though that mixing the families will probably be unavoidable so maybe it's something I just have to get used to! It's hard when everyone is increasingly all over the place. Mu sister just moved as well so that's another piece of the puzzle!

Not your job to put it together.  If it's important to someone for everybody to be together, then they need to make the effort to sort out the logistics.  It sounds like this sort of thing isn't that important to you, and in fact, is possibly uncomfortable for you.  So why would you take on any of the responsibility for making it happen?

Bah.  I am probably the reason my family fell apart!  hah!  Don't listen to me.

@ jfkimberly yeah reading back, I didn't really say what I wanted to come across. My family has never once pressured us to go back, they know it's expensive and while they enjoy when we do come over, they aren't going to make a big deal out of it.

My husband is open to both options but he hasn't said one way or the other. At first we was strictly about keeping the schedule. But now, since his nan's death, he's been a bit more open to trying to give his mum what she wants but most of all, if I don't want the in-laws coming over, he will totally support that. he just wanted me to think about it. But we haven't really talked about it lately

Yeah, I'm kind of resenting this pressure to do what others want but thats the way it goes I guess. it's just we're the ones having to spend a lot of money and I feel like we should be the only ones to decide how we spend it.

I'm not big on family either, I've been apart from mine for so long so I really just have no idea! things just keep getting more and more complicated. and i am considering having my husband say to his mother that she's not always going to get her way and at best, we may be able to sync for a year or two. but I can easily see babies coming up, the other brother getting married (which he may soon) she just need to learn how to share and be gracious about it.

My husband is open to both options but he hasn't said one way or the other. At first we was strictly about keeping the schedule. But now, since his nan's death, he's been a bit more open to trying to give his mum what she wants but most of all, if I don't want the in-laws coming over, he will totally support that. he just wanted me to think about it. But we haven't really talked about it lately

Does your husband understand your concerns about how his mother behaves toward your family?  Sometimes, just knowing that he's on your side (and that your mother is at least on her guard because she's aware of your MIL) can be enough to make it... well... an amusing sport, even.  It can be funny, if you're all on the same team when you watch it happen, y'know? (I'm not telling you to turn it into a drinking game, but if it became one... *shrug*    )

Yeah, I'm kind of resenting this pressure to do what others want but thats the way it goes I guess. it's just we're the ones having to spend a lot of money and I feel like we should be the only ones to decide how we spend it.

You and your husband, together, should be the only ones deciding how you spend your money.  If you have other wants or needs that you would like the money to go to, it is totally your right to do that.  If people want to see you, it's on them to make it happen, unless you also want to see them and are happy to spend to make it happen.

(I am sounding more and more coldhearted as this conversation progresses, but I promise you, I'm not!  I happily spend money to do things and see people when I want to!  And I even regret not having the ability to get home to see some of my family--especially my uncle who was diagnosed with a chronic form of leukemia shortly before I met my now-husband, and I haven't seen him since January 2013.  He can't come here because of his health, and I can't easily go there.)

I'm not big on family either, I've been apart from mine for so long so I really just have no idea! things just keep getting more and more complicated. and i am considering having my husband say to his mother that she's not always going to get her way and at best, we may be able to sync for a year or two. but I can easily see babies coming up, the other brother getting married (which he may soon) she just need to learn how to share and be gracious about it.

Yeah, with so many people and life trajectories involved, it's complicated.  Maybe it's time for your MIL to realize that.

  In fact, nobody in my family has even met my husband, and we've been married for four years now!  In all this time, my family know I can't easily make the trip home, but nobody's suggested coming over to visit (and we don't have room to host guests if they did come, so they'd have to pay for transportation, and hotel, too). 

Snap.
Same here.  I've been with my partner 9 years, and no one in my family has met him, nor do they know anything about him, or ask about him when I speak to them. 

I've been here 32 years come October and no one in my family (or friends) have ever come to visit.  In the early days, it might have been nice, but now I sincerely do NOT want anyone coming over... I think because it would infuriate me if they passed any negative comment about the place I love and have made my home  .

Snap.
Same here.  I've been with my partner 9 years, and no one in my family has met him, nor do they know anything about him, or ask about him when I speak to them. 

I've been here 32 years come October and no one in my family (or friends) have ever come to visit.  In the early days, it might have been nice, but now I sincerely do NOT want anyone coming over... I think because it would infuriate me if they passed any negative comment about the place I love and have made my home  .

Oh, wow... I felt so weird sharing that information.  But I'm not alone!

My husband's family ask me about my family nearly every time I see them (I think my MIL is keen to meet my family, but I really don't see how that can happen), and it gets awkward trying to find a way to explain my relationship with my own family.  I mean, I really can't explain it!

Meanwhile, my FIL and MIL travel to Austrailia to visit my husband's sister every year, and to Canada to visit my husband's brother every year.  Like, they fly all over the world every year. Meanwhile, I have had to field awkward questions like 'when is my mother is coming to visit?'

 

You are certainly not alone!  So much of what you guys are saying is familiar to me, especially the bit about warring family factions that can't be in the same room when we come home. 

Or a certain relative who won't come visit or even send birthday presents to my kids when other more distantly related people make a thousand times the effort. 

You just have to let it ride and be thankful that you don't live there any more. 

You just have to let it ride and be thankful that you don't live there any more.

Ever so grateful, for so many reasons!

Uggh, I see it everywhere with friends and my own family about Christmas and it's drama inducing ways. 

I know my in-laws had a hard time the first time I took hubby to the US for Christmas, but they're okay now.  But it becomes not a great time for us at Christmas, because my family is pretty rife with mental health issues (depression, bi-polar, anxiety and OCD) that whilst it's not what anyone wants, because everyone wants to have an awesome Christmas,  there is always some kind of mental health issue and therefore, drama that happens. 

Meanwhile, Christmas with my in-laws is so quiet and always the same (traditional turkey and some presents, but usually the same presents because no one knows what the heck to get each other) that it usually doesn't feel like Christmas and you wonder why we have to be obliging to it all.  Then I get all missing my loud, chaotic, drama filled family Christmases.  Funny how you want the exact opposite of what's happening, always.

We had one Christmas at my house which I cooked and had both my parents and at the time, future in-laws and BIL and his partner. It was quite nice, but it was the first time my parents had been away from my 3 sisters and the grandkids at Christmas so they had a hard time with it all.  One of my sisters was still creating drama though, because she had a horrible Christmas that year apparently, having to spend the whole time with her in-laws. HAHAHA.  2 other sisters loved it though, as they got to enjoy a quiet day with their families.   

We're thinking of taking a holiday at Christmas this year so no one gets us. HAHAHA.       

Anways, long winded post to say, you know, life is short and you should do what you want. No one wins at Christmas time , and we need to remember there are 364.25 other days a year where we can enjoy our families.