Author Topic: Distance creates distance?  (Read 1383 times)

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Offline rdoherty15

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Distance creates distance?
« on: September 04, 2017, 12:33:25 AM »
I'm sure this is normal, but my husband and I have been together for nine years, and have never done the "distance" thing....but it's been eight weeks since I got my first email from Sheffield, and the distance is starting to take its toll. Our stuff has arrived in Oxford, my husband is knee deep in his new job, he's unpacking all our boxes...and still no sign of when I'll be able to join him. The last couple of days he's been distant and moody when we chat, and he says its because he's tired of being alone. I have literally no idea how to support him (and myself) in this process, because there's nothing I can do about not being there. We've always been proactive in our relationship, tackling issues and difficulties head on so as to not let them fester...but this one is out of my hands. Thoughts? Ideas?
Applied online: 22 June, 2017
Biometrics and Docs mailed: 23 June, 2017
Arrived in Sheffield (via UPS): 26 June, 2017
Email confirmation from Sheffield: 11 July, 2017
"not straightforward" Email: 2 August, 2017
Unsolicited additional documents: 14 August, 2017
Decision made: 25 September, then revoked
Second Decision: 25 October, 2017
Docs returned: 30 October, 2017
Flight to UK: 2 November, 2017

Offline KFdancer

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2017, 01:10:05 AM »
Big hugs.  I've never done the long distance thing so no advice.  I'd just make sure he knows you are there if he wants to talk.

Offline rdoherty15

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2017, 01:22:09 AM »
Thank you, KFdancer! I'm sure one day soon this will all be a distant memory, and we'll get on with the business of living. My husband is a man of few words (always has been-must be his British father, because his French mother surely isn't the source!), so skype and facetime and all that doesn't come naturally. I check in every day and offer what support I can, but as I'm sure most everyone who has ever waited for a visa knows, its not quite the same as being there. This too shall pass!!
Applied online: 22 June, 2017
Biometrics and Docs mailed: 23 June, 2017
Arrived in Sheffield (via UPS): 26 June, 2017
Email confirmation from Sheffield: 11 July, 2017
"not straightforward" Email: 2 August, 2017
Unsolicited additional documents: 14 August, 2017
Decision made: 25 September, then revoked
Second Decision: 25 October, 2017
Docs returned: 30 October, 2017
Flight to UK: 2 November, 2017

Offline KFdancer

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2017, 01:46:01 AM »
It will pass!

I hear you on the few words thing.  Today my husband FaceTimed the inlaws (we're in the US on holiday).  They talked about the weather... and then there was nothing left to talk about!  Awkward!!! 

Offline historyenne

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2017, 03:14:06 AM »
Try having Skype on in the background as you do other things. Often, couples living apart miss the ordinary, normal interactions with each other, while trying to sit in front of a screen and make conversation feels forced. Could you cook or watch a movie "together," for example?
On s'envolera du même quai
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Tu seras mon unique projet.

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Offline rdoherty15

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2017, 03:27:23 AM »
Try having Skype on in the background as you do other things. Often, couples living apart miss the ordinary, normal interactions with each other, while trying to sit in front of a screen and make conversation feels forced. Could you cook or watch a movie "together," for example?

That's a great suggestion! I was just thinking the other day how what I really miss is sitting next to each other, in the same room, reading or doing work in relative quiet-just happy to have his company! We'll give this a try. Thank you 😊
Applied online: 22 June, 2017
Biometrics and Docs mailed: 23 June, 2017
Arrived in Sheffield (via UPS): 26 June, 2017
Email confirmation from Sheffield: 11 July, 2017
"not straightforward" Email: 2 August, 2017
Unsolicited additional documents: 14 August, 2017
Decision made: 25 September, then revoked
Second Decision: 25 October, 2017
Docs returned: 30 October, 2017
Flight to UK: 2 November, 2017

Online larrabee

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2017, 04:04:51 AM »
That's a great suggestion! I was just thinking the other day how what I really miss is sitting next to each other, in the same room, reading or doing work in relative quiet-just happy to have his company! We'll give this a try. Thank you 😊

Hopefully you'll be back in the same room before very much longer and this time apart will be a distant memory.  :)
March 28th 2013-Moved to UK, husband on spouse visa.Oct 20th 2015-Applied by mail for FLR(M).Feb 1st 2016 FLR(M).March 7th 2018 ILR. YAY! March 21st NCS&JCAP appointment.

Offline AV

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2017, 09:57:26 AM »
Have been there. :( 2 weeks between returning after engagement and wedding, and then 4 months between wedding and getting visa/reunion in the UK.

It's absolutely, positively horrible.

It's so incredibly hard.

I think just knowing that it IS hard and it's hard for everyone helped me the most. We used facetime and skype calls daily, sometimes hours a day, even just to have background noises. We ate meals together over facetime or phone. We watched shows together on Netflix using rabbit. We had lots of fights (honesty time).

It's soooooooo hard but most of us have done it. I thought of it as our trial by fire...if ever we proved our love for each other, it was by fighting to stay connected while apart. Didn't help that we were both moody, depressed, hopeless, etc. by turns during the wait. At least we were able to sort of alternate our desperately hopeless moments...when one of us despaired whether we would ever be reunited, usually the other one felt more hopeful and could be encouraging.

If your husband can't be there emotionally for you because it's too hard (if he has to disengage because it's too painful for him to connect with you while so far away), come and vent here. Are you going to the midlands? There is a FB group with lots of us who have been through it. Other similar groups too, I should think.

Hugs.
Online application submitted April 5, 2017
Biometrics & shipping to UK April 17, 2017
Email confirmation from Sheffield April 24, 2017
Submitted ToR May 12, 2017
Decision email: June 2, 2017

Offline rdoherty15

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2017, 04:14:47 PM »
Have been there. :( 2 weeks between returning after engagement and wedding, and then 4 months between wedding and getting visa/reunion in the UK.

It's absolutely, positively horrible.

It's so incredibly hard.

I think just knowing that it IS hard and it's hard for everyone helped me the most. We used facetime and skype calls daily, sometimes hours a day, even just to have background noises. We ate meals together over facetime or phone. We watched shows together on Netflix using rabbit. We had lots of fights (honesty time).

It's soooooooo hard but most of us have done it. I thought of it as our trial by fire...if ever we proved our love for each other, it was by fighting to stay connected while apart. Didn't help that we were both moody, depressed, hopeless, etc. by turns during the wait. At least we were able to sort of alternate our desperately hopeless moments...when one of us despaired whether we would ever be reunited, usually the other one felt more hopeful and could be encouraging.

If your husband can't be there emotionally for you because it's too hard (if he has to disengage because it's too painful for him to connect with you while so far away), come and vent here. Are you going to the midlands? There is a FB group with lots of us who have been through it. Other similar groups too, I should think.

Hugs.

I had a feeling most folks here would empathize! It's a good suggestion to have skype on in the "background". We're going to give that a go for a few days....I'll hang out reading or working while he makes his dinner and whatnot. I think it'll give a better feeling of 'normalcy'. It's quite odd how you realize that verbal communication isn't always the most important piece!

I'm not honestly sure what the midlands consists of (I know, its awful- I'm working on my geography!), but we are in Oxford, just outside the ring road.

You're absolutely right that this is trial by fire time! We spent the last two years in graduate programs, proving we liked each other enough to hole up in a one bedroom apartment, study, and not do much else for two years...and now we're proving we love each other in a whole different way!
Applied online: 22 June, 2017
Biometrics and Docs mailed: 23 June, 2017
Arrived in Sheffield (via UPS): 26 June, 2017
Email confirmation from Sheffield: 11 July, 2017
"not straightforward" Email: 2 August, 2017
Unsolicited additional documents: 14 August, 2017
Decision made: 25 September, then revoked
Second Decision: 25 October, 2017
Docs returned: 30 October, 2017
Flight to UK: 2 November, 2017

Offline lyonaria

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2017, 06:40:14 PM »
My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for 2 years. The whole getting to know you phase was mostly textual and then we moved to Skyping and then he came to visit.

We spent a lot of time just talking about random silly things. We definitely talked more when we were Skyping than we do now that we live together.

The tv and movies is a great suggestion. It's somethib g my husband and I did all the time. Movies and doctor who! Haha. One day I wasn't feeling well and he read to me. It was the sweetest thing.
The usual. American girl meets British guy. They fall into like, then into love. Then there was the big decision. The American traveled across the pond to join the Brit. And life was never the same again.

Offline jfkimberly

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2017, 06:59:46 PM »
Try having Skype on in the background as you do other things. Often, couples living apart miss the ordinary, normal interactions with each other, while trying to sit in front of a screen and make conversation feels forced. Could you cook or watch a movie "together," for example?

This is an excellent idea!  My situation isn't quite the same situation as OP's, but with my husband away from Monday - Friday for work, we also miss each other a lot.  We have Netflix, and sometimes we'll watch something "together" and at least text back and forth with thoughts while we're watching.  It's almost as good as being together.

Oh, and we play Minecraft together.  :)
9/1/2013 - "fiancée" (marriage) visa issued
4/6/2013 - married (certificate issued same-day)
5/6/2013 - FLR(M)#1 in person -- approved!
8/1/2016 - FLR(M)#2 by post -- approved!
Now just waiting out the clock for ILR.

Offline MPI

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #11 on: September 05, 2017, 12:40:35 PM »
It's terrible and the time difference makes it even worse.  I remember when we were long distance and married he would have to call me on my phone from skype when I was waiting for the bus home from work, and it would be very late in the UK when that happened.  On days when I worked later I got up very early to phone him on his lunch break, which cut my sleep into two chunks and was difficult.  And it is so hard to talk on the phone as opposed to just hanging out together.

I don't know if I have anything other than a virtual hug to offer, but it will be sooo much better before you know it.  And when you move in together you'll have already gone through a really difficult thing together, and it helps put into perspective some of the harder adjustments of a new married life over here. 
Spouse Visa:
Received by Sheffield 19 Nov 2016
Decision Made 26 Jan 2017
Visa Received 30 Jan 2017
Arrived in UK 15 Feb 2017

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #12 on: September 05, 2017, 04:06:23 PM »
My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for 2 years. The whole getting to know you phase was mostly textual and then we moved to Skyping and then he came to visit.


Same for me and my husband! We bonded over video games so would have a beer/cider together and play some online games together. Not sure what the situation here is but maybe doing something you can both participate in online (like games or something?) could be one way to spend time together or read a book and discuss every few chapters together?? Stuff like that that you can do from a distance but engage each other with.

Husband and I use to literally fall asleep on skype together and would send each other selfies throughout the day but I'm not sure I could be re-creating the skype chat now that now in my late-20's (still have no problem sending selfies haha). We also spent a good amount of time towards the end making "bucket lists" of what we were going to do together once I moved there permanently.

I also agree with others that maybe you directing him to this website to see how other people deal with the distance might be beneficial for him?

Online Rick Stephens

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #13 on: September 05, 2017, 04:44:46 PM »
My wife and I even slept with FaceTime on so you could hear or see each other through the night.


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Offline jimbocz

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Re: Distance creates distance?
« Reply #14 on: September 05, 2017, 04:50:24 PM »
My wife and I even slept with FaceTime on so you could hear or see each other through the night.


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Thank God Skype wasn't invented when I was tricking Mrs. Jimbocz into spending the rest of her life with me.  One night of me snoring over Skype and the deal would have been off.