When did you realise?

I want citizenship so I don't have to go through immigration ever again. My mom worded it right the other day, your visas are an investment you move now and you lose out.

This!  Oh my gosh, once that is secured, then I can be more open-minded.  But I didn't spend all this money and jump all these hurdles just to throw it all away.  We're going to see this through before we even consider anything else.

And, still... we love our house.  We'll probably just stay here. 

I go back and fourth.

I don't love the U.K. I moved here for my husband and it was the only option because he has a daughter from a previous relationship. Now that we have her full time, we have options.

But it's not something I could now. I want citizenship so I don't have to go through immigration ever again. My mom worded it right the other day, your visas are an investment you move now and you lose out.

I miss my mom terribly. Lately, she's had some health issues and it scares me to think I can't be there for it. She has my dad, but he's older than her (she's 56 he's 63). My brother has sadly turned into that guy who seemingly only cares about his in laws and never comes around.

My mother in law also isn't the doting grandmother that my mom is, so that makes it difficult too. It's been better since we've had my step daughter full time, but still not brilliant. My mom sends Lilly gifts for every holiday, big or small. She's lucky if she gets a card from my mother in law for birthdays.

However, then there's the dilemma if we did move back we'd be taking our daughter away from her mum's side of the family. Her Nan from that side is very close to her. And after her mum passed away, it's all she's got from her mum.

My husband isn't set on America, but doesn't want to stay in England. He hates it here. He's luckily working for a large American company that's international, which could give us some opportunities. He's already traveling for training courses, which is neat.

I really don't know what we want to do. My heart screams to go back home to be close to my parents. My brain screams no, doing another international move with a child involved isn't going to be fun.


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I think your mum has it right in that, if you can stick it out and she is okay enough for the time being, staying here to get dual citizenship might be the right choice (but that's obviously something only you and your husband can decide). If you can do that, then move back to the US perhaps there's an option to send your daughter to live with her birth mother's parents for the summer months? They can keep in regular contact on skype and then, if feasible, spend the summers with them to bond.

This!  Oh my gosh, once that is secured, then I can be more open-minded.  But I didn't spend all this money and jump all these hurdles just to throw it all away.  We're going to see this through before we even consider anything else.

And, still... we love our house.  We'll probably just stay here. 

I secretly have a phobia of having a mortgage here (Not a secret anymore lol). It somehow makes it more permanent that we'll never leave. Stupid I know, because you can always sell.

That being said, after the disaster we just went through on our new rental, I wish we bit the dust and bought a house.

I think your mum has it right in that, if you can stick it out and she is okay enough for the time being, staying here to get dual citizenship might be the right choice (but that's obviously something only you and your husband can decide). If you can do that, then move back to the US perhaps there's an option to send your daughter to live with her birth mother's parents for the summer months? They can keep in regular contact on skype and then, if feasible, spend the summers with them to bond.

I literally dread the thought of separating them. They are so attached. She goes over every other Saturday to spend the night so she can see her big brother who moved away to be with his dad. We let her stay the night there Tuesday nights and by Monday one or the other is begging to FaceTime because they miss them so much, but I know through the last months of her birth mother's fight with cancer they spent so much time together just trying to cope.

At the end of the day, we'd do what's best for us but gosh the thought of that is scary




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I secretly have a phobia of having a mortgage here (Not a secret anymore lol). It somehow makes it more permanent that we'll never leave. Stupid I know, because you can always sell.

That being said, after the disaster we just went through on our new rental, I wish we bit the dust and bought a house.

Think it depends on how you look at it. I totally get your thought process, but the other way to view it is that instead of giving all your money to a landlord, you're investing it in your own house. You can redo things how you please and you're more likely than not to get at least a little bit of money out of it when you come to sell. It's an appreciating asset which isn't a bad thing. Obviously it's a gamble as there are times when people have lost money on houses so I would never say never, but I can tell you that since we bought our house last year, based on the selling prices of the houses around us more recently, we will make at least a £10-20k profit on the place as we got ours for a crackin' deal (unfortunately the story behind why is quite sad) and are doing the DIY ourselves (so saving money that way) so we are in a better position than if we rented. My husband is already talking about moving and we've literally been in the house a year and a half (if even that) already so you're right in that you can always move and it doesn't mean you're here permanently although it does mean you're in a harder position if you want to make a quick escape for some reason.

I literally dread the thought of separating them. They are so attached. She goes over every other Saturday to spend the night so she can see her big brother who moved away to be with his dad. We let her stay the night there Tuesday nights and by Monday one or the other is begging to FaceTime because they miss them so much, but I know through the last months of her birth mother's fight with cancer they spent so much time together just trying to cope.

At the end of the day, we'd do what's best for us but gosh the thought of that is scary




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Thankfully it's not a choice you have to make right now. A lot changes with time so just wait and see what comes when the time is right to think about it. That's sweet that they have such a good relationship though!

I've always had a love hate relationship with the UK and the US.  As a teen I was an anglophile - loved the music, fashion, everything.  So the day after I graduated from college in 1986 I was on a plane and ended up living in London off and on for 5 years. 

I met my British husband in 1988 and we married there.  It was so easy then, I don't even think I had to pay a visa fee.  We went to the home office asked us a few questions and stamped my passport "ILR".  Then you could become a citizen after living there 3 years.  I curse myself because I was literally 2 weeks short of 3 years and I could take living there anymore. 

Now 26 years later I have just applied and been granted a spouse settlement visa.  What made me want to go back and why did I decide to leave?  In 1991 we were young, had no money and London was very expensive.  We rented a tiny flat, I worked in an office where even though I had a degree I was expected to make tea for others. But the thing I really hated about the UK was the weather.  I loved the city, the markets, the Indian restaurants, just exploring London. 

 We could have a much better life in the US.  My husband went to computer school in the US and after a few years was making 3 times my salary.  So we moved over and after a few years bought a house, then another.  We had our daughter in 2003 and considered moving in 2008 when she was younger since my inlaws in Scotland would be much more involved grandparents since mine were much older.  At that time it didn't work out due to his job.

Now we are moving to Scotland (he and DD are already there).  I am leaving in a week but am kind of torn.  I'm worried about the weather depressing me but am excited for a change and to be able to travel to Europe.  We haven't really been able to do that because the airfare is so expensive from the US.  We are also in a much better financial position then we were when we were young and living in London.  My husband has found a very well (for the UK) paying job, but it is still only 2/3's of his US salary.  But we will be more comfortable than when we lived there previously.

What prompted us to decide to move?- The political climate in the US, also our dd wanted a change, she was tired of going to school with the same kids since 1st grade. Also the high schools in VA were very stressful (she would be going into 9th grade) 3-4 hours of homework a night, the pressure to join clubs and do extracurricular activities to get into a good college.  There have been quite a few high school students who committed suicide including one who did it at school.  She now goes to a very good private school in Glasgow and so far is very happy, enjoys her classes, does not have hours of homework each night and is taking many more subjects then she would have been able to in the US.  This surprised me since I thought it was more specialized but I think that is only the last 2 years S5 and S6.  We never could have afforded private school in the US because it is so much more expensive.  She is a good test taker and very academic so I think it is a good fit for her. 

 I am actually kind of sad to leave now because we had a really good life in the US - a very nice house in the suburbs of DC, good friends, and my dd decided to leave her skating team which she had been in for 7 years.  I have this feeling of dread, on one hand I am happy that I got my visa but don't know if I will like it one I get there.  I know I won't like Glasgow weather.  We are giving it one year if we hate it, two years if it okay and then we may move back to the US or decide to stay there.  The past few weeks have been hard because we sold our house and I've been staying with my Dad and am just sad that my life has been turned inside out.  Hopefully everything will work out.

KissofDeath--you can't tell us there's a story behind your house without telling us the story!  I'm too nosy for that!

In my mind I'm here for good.  I've only been here since February but I have to have that mindset to settle.  My husband and I were saying at dinner today that it feels like I'm getting more comfortable here.  He said that we have a nice life, don't we?  and I realized that I agreed.  Six months ago it was rough.  I used to cry when he went to work.  Obviously life is rough in general but being new here added a mental load on.  So I think of this as my permanent home in the hopes that the settled feeling will only feel stronger.

There's a lot I miss about the US, but a LOT of it is in my hometown.  I come from a cute village outside of NYC.  It's gorgeous, you can walk anywhere in town, it's less than an hour from midtown Manhattan.  And I will never be able to afford to live there.  My parents' house, which is a very small 2 bedroom house with no parking and a tiny garden, is valued way over what I could have afforded on the job I had back in the US.  I couldn't have afforded RENT in the area on my last job (esp once I turned 26 and had to pay for health insurance), unless I had a lot of roommates or one or two roommates in a crappy area.  If I hadn't lived with my parents I would have had to go out of state to live.  So while things are crazy expensive here and we don't make buttloads of money, I know it can be a lot worse and at least we can afford to live (and eat out, and buy books and clothes and put money towards savings, etc).  The lifestyle I miss back home just won't be feasible for me for decades, if ever.

I think we went the other way in realising that the UK wasn't going to be the be all end all for us. Just like Susan (but ten years later) I had a similar experience in the late 90s when it was all relatively easy to leave and reenter for another 6 months coming off a different 6 month visa stay. Coming back in 2014 and how seemingly rigid everything has become, coupled with the referendum vote, made me wonder what was the point of staying long term in a country likely to fade away without some stronger leadership emerging.

We have done ok careerwise in London but I am ready to retrain for something else and Other Half is ready to go to a more challenging company/role, which he may or may not find in the UK. Our dream is to one day be digital nomads and live in two or three places over a year, at least one of which is a permanent residence. We havent bought anything in London because, well, London and also our status is up in the air.

We are in the US this week and next and we slipped back into familiar patterns very quickly. Nothing feels like a struggle here compared to getting something done in the UK.

I curse myself because I was literally 2 weeks short of 3 years and I could take living there anymore. 

Oh man, 2 weeks short?! Had you at the time looked into relocating outside of London just long enough to qualify for the citizenship or was it just not practical at that point?

KissofDeath--you can't tell us there's a story behind your house without telling us the story!  I'm too nosy for that!

Not exaggerating that it's very sad and drama filled so be warned!

The short version : We bought the house from a couple divorcing (as neither could obviously afford to buy the other out). They needed to unload the house to be able to sort their divorce - hence they were a bit more willing to let it go at a reasonable price.

The Long Version :

Viewed the house as we thought it would be a great fixer-upper with a lot of potential (which was exactly what we wanted) in the village the majority of his family live in (within walking distance of this house) etc. Was great. By no means the Sistine Chapel aesthetically, but we wanted a project. During the walk through with the solicitor, she mentions about a family tragedy that had happened and their young child (I want to say she was 3? Maybe 5 absolute max?) passed away at the home and that the couple are now separating and want to sell so they can start their new lives. We were told there would be no chain as they'd agree to go live with family for a quick and easy sell.

We do a bit of searching and find that the little girl had drowned in the pool when the father was out golfing with his mates and the mother popped into Reading for a "quick" shop and left their 13 year old son in charge....The story gets a bit iffy depending on where you hear it from, but the gist of it is that the son fell asleep and the parents came home to find the little girl floating face down in the pool with their son still asleep. It seems like a lot of marital damage was done as they seemed to blame each other and themselves and their son so they were just really torn apart so they needed to unload this property as neither could afford to pay the other one off so they were't necessarily looking to wait around to get the best offer they could, they just needed a particular amount that they could each use to put down payments on a new place in future. Because of the fact that a child had died at the property (which wasn't kept a secret when the solicitor showed people around) and the fact that it needed a LOT of work in the sense of physical appearance (the bathroom is honestly horrid...functional but just ugly and gross), they didn't get many offers or many that were high enough to meet their bottom line. We low-balled them and, after meeting part-way, got it for a good £30k lower than the asking price (which, I know you don't often pay what they are asking, but there was very little back and forth arguing on it and the space was slightly larger for the price than the others around it because it had things like a loft conversion etc. and it was already priced just under the others).

Once we accepted the offer is really when the drama-llamas came out to play....Like I said, my husband already wants to move again in the near future and I still have a bad taste in my mouth from this one enough to be happy to never move again!!

Oh man, 2 weeks short?! Had you at the time looked into relocating outside of London just long enough to qualify for the citizenship or was it just not practical at that point?

Not exaggerating that it's very sad and drama filled so be warned!

The short version : We bought the house from a couple divorcing (as neither could obviously afford to buy the other out). They needed to unload the house to be able to sort their divorce - hence they were a bit more willing to let it go at a reasonable price.

The Long Version :

Viewed the house as we thought it would be a great fixer-upper with a lot of potential (which was exactly what we wanted) in the village the majority of his family live in (within walking distance of this house) etc. Was great. By no means the Sistine Chapel aesthetically, but we wanted a project. During the walk through with the solicitor, she mentions about a family tragedy that had happened and their young child (I want to say she was 3? Maybe 5 absolute max?) passed away at the home and that the couple are now separating and want to sell so they can start their new lives. We were told there would be no chain as they'd agree to go live with family for a quick and easy sell.

We do a bit of searching and find that the little girl had drowned in the pool when the father was out golfing with his mates and the mother popped into Reading for a "quick" shop and left their 13 year old son in charge....The story gets a bit iffy depending on where you hear it from, but the gist of it is that the son fell asleep and the parents came home to find the little girl floating face down in the pool with their son still asleep. It seems like a lot of marital damage was done as they seemed to blame each other and themselves and their son so they were just really torn apart so they needed to unload this property as neither could afford to pay the other one off so they were't necessarily looking to wait around to get the best offer they could, they just needed a particular amount that they could each use to put down payments on a new place in future. Because of the fact that a child had died at the property (which wasn't kept a secret when the solicitor showed people around) and the fact that it needed a LOT of work in the sense of physical appearance (the bathroom is honestly horrid...functional but just ugly and gross), they didn't get many offers or many that were high enough to meet their bottom line. We low-balled them and, after meeting part-way, got it for a good £30k lower than the asking price (which, I know you don't often pay what they are asking, but there was very little back and forth arguing on it and the space was slightly larger for the price than the others around it because it had things like a loft conversion etc. and it was already priced just under the others).

Once we accepted the offer is really when the drama-llamas came out to play....Like I said, my husband already wants to move again in the near future and I still have a bad taste in my mouth from this one enough to be happy to never move again!!

Awww, that's so sad!

And...  YOU HAVE A POOL?!?

Awww, that's so sad!

And...  YOU HAVE A POOL?!?

No pool! It was one of those ones you set up and attach the filter to and stuff. It's like an above ground but a temporary one.

Honestly though, the stuff we heard about them and the stuff we had to deal with first hand...they were....not the best calibre of people...

That is really sad.

There was a long thread on mumsnet a while back asking whether you would live in a house that had a tragedy happen.  I guess a murder house was for sale in someone's hometown.  A surprising number of people didn't want to live somewhere like that, even if there's no risk of something similar happening to them!  I was pretty surprised, but I guess maybe that helped you get such a good price.

That is really sad.

There was a long thread on mumsnet a while back asking whether you would live in a house that had a tragedy happen.  I guess a murder house was for sale in someone's hometown.  A surprising number of people didn't want to live somewhere like that, even if there's no risk of something similar happening to them!  I was pretty surprised, but I guess maybe that helped you get such a good price.

If it was a murder house, I maybe would have thought on it longer, but this was just a tragic accident (I feel terrible for the little boy who was put in charge but apparently he's doing okay - he was a year above one of my nieces in school). I think one other reason that people were hesitant about purchasing the house is it LITERALLY overlooks Broadmoor Hospital/Prison    I don't mind it but I know that others definitely might be put off. UGH just thinking about the people we bought the house from makes my blood boil. I do feel for them losing a child, but, like I said, they weren't an amazing calibre of human being.

Awww, that's so sad!

And...  YOU HAVE A POOL?!?

You are horrible!

I’m really glad someone said it though. 

And I didn’t make any jokes about giving your husband wood for an anniversary present.