Author Topic: Cancelling Christmas  (Read 757 times)

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Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #15 on: December 16, 2017, 04:22:11 PM »
I'm afraid I forgot that he just lost his mom.  I'm certain that is affecting him more than even HE realises.  Big hugs!  A good conversation is exactly what you two need.

Yeah I totally realised that's what it was this morning. While it's frustrating to not be on the same page with the Christmas stuff, I get where it's coming from. Ultimately he keeps talking about how it won't feel like Christmas with just us anyways so what's the point etc. but that's more of the reason why I want to carry on having normal Christmas with presents because I feel like we have to do the best we can to try to keep things regular.

Donation to charity in his name??



Yeah we already donate a lot to these charities (we just raised over £2k for the hospice that cared for her, for example) and many donations have been made in her name after the funeral as we asked for people to donate to particular cancer charities. I can obviously still do that, but it doesn't feel particularly special as we've all done it a ton as of yet - if that makes sense?

Try and take a step back from this and sit down with a mug of hot chockie.  Christmas is stressful - how many times have you heard that?  And usually stress is a culmination of things rather than one thing.  You know the cause (the death of your mother in law) of why he isn't getting it this year.  Expecting him to talk about things - well, that would be lovely, wouldn't it but probably the stuff of fantasies.  You also have your own situation being without family etc.

Sometimes we can get so upset that no matter what real options there are, we can't see them.  Hot chockie is always good in these situations.

Worst case scenario - you don't exchange prezzies.  Does the world end? No.
Now that is out the way, what could you do?  Fabulous suggestions have already been made, but I understand that you want him to do something (anything) for you.

Would it be possible (keep drinking the hot chockie so you don't get wound up and say no straight away) for someone to talk to him and explain how important it is to you, in a sensitive way?  Family/close friend?

If there is no one, and he won't talk to you, then could you put an email/note together expressing your concern and love and explaining how important it is for you, perhaps making some suggestions of what he could get for you.

As for time running out in buying presents - the internet is a wonderful thing whether it is delivery or click and collect.

My hubby and I met and married later than most people.  He had been married before - two weeks after hubby and first wife settled into their new home, she was diagnosed with cancer and was gone within a couple of months. Such events put things into perspective and we don't have as much time as a young couple would rightfully expect to have.

I can feel your anxiety coming through your words.  And you have always been a very bright and positive person, so you must be feeling very upset and stressed.  It isn't as bad as it seems. 

I'm sending you a hug. x



Firstly, lovely message. I definitely think hot chocolate needs to happen and a bit of relaxation. Christmas definite *is* stressful. Thank you :)

Secondly, it's not that I want presents. I'm fine not receiving presents. The only thing I wouldn't want to do is end up not doing something if he ends up doing something for me (I would feel really badly). I don't have any problem not exchanging presents if we are on the same page. my frustration was more that I asked him for over a month about Christmas shopping lists for him, etc. and brought the topic up so many times and he's just not communicated that he would rather we didn't do presents. Last night was kind of my deadline to either start shopping or not which is why I brought it up last night again in an attempt to get a clear understanding of what was going on as he was actively avoiding the topic What was frustrating was that he was telling me that I was putting him on the spot despite the fact that I had literally asked him in email, text, and person to work on a Christmas list. I was not putting him on the spot as I had asked him multiple times a week since the beginning of November around this topic and if he had told me "how about we don't exchange presents this year" I would have definitely been open to agree on something. I think my frustrations are that I've tried opening the door to discussions of all kinds around the topic of Christmas itself and presents (separately and together) and just being dismissed. I totally understand being upset but with him it's truly hard to know if he's saying this because he's upset about his mum or if it's truly because he just doesn't want to do Christmas shopping/spending money (he's the type of person that doesn't like giving people cards because "they just get thrown in the bin so it's a waste of money" if that helps explain it?) and even more so when I try to talk to him about all this and it just gets dismissed.

Thanks again for being so wonderful Blossom and really sorry to hear what your husband has had to go through in the past but happy he has somebody such as yourself now :)

We are scheduled to chat tonight about it when we can both think it over.

Just a little food for thought...

In August of this year, my city suffered historic flooding due to a hurricane. 50+ inches of rain fell on us in three days and devastated entire communities. Since August, many, many people including my family have been clearing our homes of unused items to help those in need. It's now close to Christmas and in my suburb, there's still a very large amount of people who are still displaced and many families won't have much to put under the tree. Many of us in the community have adopted families this Christmas. I know that as a family, we have spent time with a charity collecting funds from businesses, getting ideas for practical and some fun items for the kids, gift wrapping, etc...

I also agree with physicskate in that you may find a charity that your mother-in-law supported and volunteer your time together or donate gifts for their charity.


Sorry to hear about your city, lorenausuk. I have no objections to donating to charity. We do it on the regular. At Christmas, participate in something the council does that buys gifts for children in the area who are in foster care and also, this year, purchased food and blankets for dog beds. We donate to cancer charities on the regular and ran a 5k for a hospice. I totally can donate time/money/gifts to charity without a problem and do because I do think when you are fortunate enough to have something to give you should totally give. It just wasn't something I thought about doing as a gift because it's something that we do on the regular and therefore not something I would have thought to gift.


You would be doing it for yourself really because it makes you happy, not for him.  :D 


In fairness, this is true...I want to do it because it makes me happy to do nice things for him and get him the things that he wouldn't purchase for himself because he wants to spend his money on practical things...buuuuut if what he wants and what would make him happy is literally nothing but saving the money for future uses, then I just need to accept that this is what will make him happy and go with it. I ultimately just want to make him happy and to me, on Christmas, it just doesn't feel like Christmas with nothing to open and enjoy and I want to make sure his first Christmas without his mum will be as decent as it can be...but if that means no presents then I am on board with that. My frustration last night was just that there wasn't any communication. I tried to discuss this topic and it would just be ignored. I will ask him tonight when we talk about if no presents will be what truly makes him happy as I'm fine with it if that's what he will enjoy.


The extreme stress that was making me upset mostly just came from how lastminute.com things always seem to be with him. It's even before things with his mum so I know it's not come just because of this (he probably is just more dismissive of it because of the loss of his mum). It just seems like I have to ask him SO many times and SO many different ways and then get frustrated and/or upset before he understands that it's a topic we need to talk about and come to a decision on.


Thanks again everyone.

Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2017, 07:51:07 PM »
Just wanted to say thanks again for letting me vent. I know It was a stupid reason to be stressing but sometimes the brain doesn't want to act/feel logical. You're all wonderful people.

We've had a chat to talk about it and we've more or less come to an agreement. Apparently he just literally hadn't thought about it, despite me having asked multiple times.He hadn't realised how close to Christmas we were and he just thought he had more time to think about things.

Online larrabee

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2017, 08:46:48 PM »
Just wanted to say thanks again for letting me vent. I know It was a stupid reason to be stressing but sometimes the brain doesn't want to act/feel logical. You're all wonderful people.

We've had a chat to talk about it and we've more or less come to an agreement. Apparently he just literally hadn't thought about it, despite me having asked multiple times.He hadn't realised how close to Christmas we were and he just thought he had more time to think about things.

Glad you're feeling better!  ;D
March 29th 2013-Moved to UK, husband on spouse visa.Oct 20th 2015-Applied by mail for FLR(M).Feb 1st 2016 FLR(M).

Offline Blossom

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #18 on: December 16, 2017, 09:02:04 PM »
You can enjoy that hot chocolate now!

So glad you are feeling better.

hugs x


Offline Blossom

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #19 on: December 16, 2017, 09:03:42 PM »
I rang the hairdressers up to make an appointment to get my roots done before Christmas and nearly had a heart attack!  I didn't realise it was next week!  Someone has stolen the time from me.

Somehow I thought I had another two weeks?

Offline margo

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #20 on: December 16, 2017, 09:39:54 PM »
Just wanted to say thanks again for letting me vent. I know It was a stupid reason to be stressing but sometimes the brain doesn't want to act/feel logical. You're all wonderful people.

We've had a chat to talk about it and we've more or less come to an agreement. Apparently he just literally hadn't thought about it, despite me having asked multiple times.He hadn't realised how close to Christmas we were and he just thought he had more time to think about things.
Is he seeing anyone for grief counseling at all? Christmas is everywhere and to not realise it's 9 days away means really having your head in the sand. I don't know if that's his usual personality but I'd be concerned about it in my husband. I'm glad it was nothing more serious than ignorance but I understand the frustration!

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Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #21 on: December 16, 2017, 09:42:57 PM »
Is he seeing anyone for grief counseling at all? Christmas is everywhere and to not realise it's 9 days away means really having your head in the sand. I don't know if that's his usual personality but I'd be concerned about it in my husband. I'm glad it was nothing more serious than ignorance but I understand the frustration!

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He isn’t at the moment. In fairness, we’ve both just been so busy (partially trying to stay occupied on weekends) that we both didn’t realise there was only one more shopping week. We thought we had at least two. Only realised this morning that we literally had one week left to shop. I think we’ve just been so busy and stressed that it wasn’t as much burying heads in the sand as much as it’s been that we haven’t had a moment to stop and really think about it (and I’m sure with him he’s afraid to slow down and think too much if that makes sense).


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Offline lyonaria

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #22 on: December 16, 2017, 10:01:02 PM »
Just wanted to say thanks again for letting me vent. I know It was a stupid reason to be stressing but sometimes the brain doesn't want to act/feel logical. You're all wonderful people.

We've had a chat to talk about it and we've more or less come to an agreement. Apparently he just literally hadn't thought about it, despite me having asked multiple times.He hadn't realised how close to Christmas we were and he just thought he had more time to think about things.

Absolutely not a stupid reason to vent! Christmas is really important to you, so it matters!

I'm really glad you two were able to work something out. I was going to suggest (if no gifts) why not buy some gifts for people in hospice at Christmas in memory of your MIL? That would be really nice!
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Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #23 on: December 17, 2017, 02:38:51 PM »
I was going to suggest (if no gifts) why not buy some gifts for people in hospice at Christmas in memory of your MIL? That would be really nice!

Really nice suggestion! I've purchased presents for children in foster care but not for anyone in hospice situations.

Offline margo

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #24 on: December 17, 2017, 03:02:01 PM »
Really nice suggestion! I've purchased presents for children in foster care but not for anyone in hospice situations.
I can tell you their families would probably appreciate any kind offer. My stepdad was in hospice over Xmas last year and it was so difficult :(


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Offline x0Kiss0fDeath

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #25 on: December 17, 2017, 03:03:58 PM »
I can tell you their families would probably appreciate any kind offer. My stepdad was in hospice over Xmas last year and it was so difficult :(


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Yeah we are so grateful to the hospice/staff at the hospice where my MIL was for a bit after she broke her arm but even then, it’s not easy being there. She assumed she’d never come out.


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Offline Nan D.

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #26 on: December 17, 2017, 04:28:21 PM »
I rang the hairdressers up to make an appointment to get my roots done before Christmas and nearly had a heart attack!  I didn't realise it was next week!  Someone has stolen the time from me.

Somehow I thought I had another two weeks?


Yeah, same here!  The Daughter is now halfway through her program, I realized we've been here seven full months, and Christmas has totally snuck up on me this week!  It was, I think, Wednesday when it dawned on me that I was running out of time!  The Daugher's present arrived at 7:30am one day last week (I didn't know the post delivered that early!) and so I was able to get it stealth-wrapped and under the tree. I've made a shopping trip out to get "groceries" since then and picked up a few other things for her as well. Also stealth-wrapped and now IN the tree (so far unnoticed).  Hard to think we only have a week to go.

Oh, I am given to understand that the day after Christmas is an epic shopping day, is that right?

Offline nctami72

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #27 on: December 17, 2017, 05:10:54 PM »

Yeah, same here!  The Daughter is now halfway through her program, I realized we've been here seven full months, and Christmas has totally snuck up on me this week!  It was, I think, Wednesday when it dawned on me that I was running out of time!  The Daugher's present arrived at 7:30am one day last week (I didn't know the post delivered that early!) and so I was able to get it stealth-wrapped and under the tree. I've made a shopping trip out to get "groceries" since then and picked up a few other things for her as well. Also stealth-wrapped and now IN the tree (so far unnoticed).  Hard to think we only have a week to go.

Oh, I am given to understand that the day after Christmas is an epic shopping day, is that right?
Not as big as in the US.  2 years ago I could barely find a shop open in Stirling and public transportation was limited.

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Offline nctami72

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #28 on: December 17, 2017, 08:38:34 PM »
What about children's hospices? CHAS is a great organization.

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Offline lyonaria

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Re: Cancelling Christmas
« Reply #29 on: December 18, 2017, 12:44:43 AM »
Really nice suggestion! I've purchased presents for children in foster care but not for anyone in hospice situations.

I just gave like 30-40 beanie babies to my mom's friend who works in Hospice. They get a lot of children in with parents who are dying. It's what made me think of it.
The usual. American girl meets British guy. They fall into like, then into love. Then there was the big decision. The American traveled across the pond to join the Brit. And life was never the same again.