Visa denials taking it's toll on the relationship?

Maybe I am overreacting here. My fiance and I have gone through a lot lately...visa denials, massive amounts of money spent towards it, death in the family, selling of a house (hers) and having to find an affordable and decent rental. Disappointment, sadness, postponement of a dream has seem to have affected the quality of our relationship. We have argued more on this visit than on any other. It is almost like she is annoyed with me and I feel almost "in the way". I know there is nothing to celebrate but I value the time we have together and want to make the most of it. I still want it to be...special.
Romance aside (the little we have of it) I feel treated as if I cannot do anything right. She asks me to make calls for her, etc. and then is condescending when I update her with status. Don't kill the messenger! I was given the task of putting together a bed frame and there was a design defect and I needed a drill so it was not done when she got home and she was perturbed and said sarcastically "maybe I just need to hire somebody to get it done"..making me feel like a fool or inept.
I don't think she likes sleeping with me anymore ( I unfortunately snore) and I found her sleeping on the couch one night. She said that she just needed to get some decent sleep. Fair enough I guess. Makes me think that we have a future of separate bedrooms though.
What has hurt the most is that on a couple of occasions I didn't feel taken care of. She knows that I am wholly dependent upon her for some things ( which I don't like myself) like how to work certain kitchen gadgets, etc. I wasn't doing something the right way and she got exasperated and said " here...let me show you..I am not going to do it FOR YOU". Then last night she made dinner for her daughter ( a frozen meal ) and I found her in the kitchen eating some of it. We usually eat as a family. Either I cook or she does. Point if fact she didn't buy anything to cook. She apparently didn't care if I ate or not. Furthermore, she knows that I can't drive here and there is no local store so it's not like I can just walk and buy groceries. All the times that she has visited me I always make sure that she has everything she needs and would never leave her to "forage for food".
I guess I just feel taken for granted and not particularly valued.
When we do have 'words" I always try to diffuse the situation. I try to make up asap. She is the type that stews. It is common for her to go to bed angry with me and have it linger until the next day. I am the type of person who believes in not going to bed angry. It doesn't seem to matter to her that our time is precious.
I have not talked to her about it yet. It sometimes makes it worse to try and talk to her rather than just let things blow over. She has a track record of sometimes getting even more mad. She is a very sensitive person so I have to chose my words carefully or she will feel "bullied".
Mostly I want to know if she has lost that "loving feeling" for me. It may be that I will be the one that has to move to the UK. I would be giving up EVERYTHING to be with her. I am less enthusiastic about that when I think of how I am being treated.
When things are good with us they are great. When they are not good I feel completely disposable.
I do love her very much and thought that I found the woman of my dreams. Maybe it was too good to be true. When we are apart we talk about all the wonderful things that we will do and feel when we are together and the reality is just a bit different, at least more so this trip than ever. Maybe its just life and I am being too idealistic.
I won't see her for months now and it's almost like she doesn't appreciate that fact or care. I don't want to stew over this on the long plane ride back home. It seems like there is never a good time to talk to her. She is always tired and kids are around.
The way I am feeling now, I am glad that I am going home in two days. Should it be that way? Have any of your fine folks ever felt the same?

Yikes! That is a lot going on! I know it is quite common for people to be a bit grumpy at each other when it is time to separate again, but this sounds a little extreme.

I know you've said that you haven't talked about it yet with her but I really think it is important that you have a talk with her before you go home. It's the kind of conversation that is best to have in person, I think.

I know this is probably not really what you want to hear but I would definitely not move over to be with a person who was treating me like that. There was a poor man on the forum a while ago who moved across to be with his wife after some warning signs and it all ended rather badly for him.

Imagine living the rest of your life like this. Is it something that you would be happy to do?

No Miss....I certainly would not do that. I am 49 and will be giving up a very lucrative career. I am just wondering if I am overreacting or being unrealistic about how stress can effect a couple. What I do know is that I don't want to be treated like I am stupid. I feel devalued. Maybe she is just getting sick of me. Maybe this is a sign that she wants out of the relationship. I am almost afraid to ask her but I guess it is better that I know it now.
I love her but she is not an easy person to get along with ( and perhaps I am not either). That won't change after we are married/together. I guess we need to work that out now.
Can you tell me the story of that guy you mentioned? Do you know his name so that I can read his post?
I see that most people in an LDR have fights when apart but rarely when together.Am I wrong on that? Mine seems to be the opposite.
Thanks.

I was going to say much the same.  Painful though it is.  I think you need to discuss this.  If you guys can't find a way to talk things over and work through it, then the prospects of a lasting relationship are pretty scary.  We all have times that stress leaves us not at our best, but this sounds like too much for me.  I'd be very concerned about trying to discuss honest concerns just inflaming a situation.  You shouldn't have to tiptoe in fear around a partner who you are trying to build a life with.

I can't remember the name of the person that was referred to.  I'm assuming it's someone who kept writing all these niggling things that when he was preparing had him concerned, and there were quite a few of us saying he needed to pay attention to those concerns.  He got out here, married her, and she turned out to be horribly abusive.  He was visually impaired and had to rely on her for everything, and she used that to hurt him. 

Others aren't saying that this is the same situation, but it's always wise to look openly at concerns when they arise.  Sometimes they may just be worsened by stress, but on the other hand, it can be an indicator that something is amiss. One of the concerns with long-distance relationships is that it can be easier to hide concerns when you aren't with that person day in, day out.  So it takes a really strong ability to communicate and understand each other so that you start your relationship on secure grounds.  This can be done.  Many of us here are happily married for years, but there are things to watch out for in an LDR.

This sounds to me that you may be very lucky to see what it would really be like living with her before you actually made the move.

This reminds me very much of the person Cadenza mentions, as well.

Ya know, every relationship has good and bad moments, and everyone handles stress, the anxiety created by having to deal with immigration issues, and impending separation, quite differently.

I will be the first to admit that I was so stressed out at one point in the visa process that even I did not like ME very much.

Maybe try and talk to her without making it into an argument. Maybe start with, "I'm afraid we are responding to each other in a different way than before, and I am afraid it is due to stress... "

xoxoxoxoxoxxo,
L.

That is a good point Lara. I think it's how I approach the subject. She is VERY defensive. I sent her a text that we need to talk before I leave town. The only possible time would be tonight but she did not get enough sleep last night (daughter was up coughing). Her son stays over tomorrow night and he completely dominates the evening. Putting her on notice that we need to talk might not have been a good move either. When I do discuss it with her I will try and open up with some sort of statement like you suggested.
And Cadenza...your comments about "tip-toeing" is right on. I shouldn't have to and feel myself doing this too much. Funny. When I was getting to know her, she told me that people always tip toe around her and she does not like that! No wonder!
Anyhow I am just really emotional. The kid is downstairs so I went upstairs to write out my concerns ( I do that so I don't forget) and well...cry.
This has been a real stressful visit. When I go back home I have to begin the task of clearing out my mother's things from her house. She passed before I left town. I feel so alone right now and very vulnerable. I just want to go home on good footing with my fiance. Things have been so tense between us. I feel very uncertain of things and I don't even know if I have the emotional stamina to deal with a breakup if that is what is going to happen now.

Having lost my father this summer, and my mother 2 years ago,  I know just how difficult it is to deal with bereavement, never mind all the associated legalities and practicalities of the situation.

My advice would be; make no decisions while you are in the early stages of bereavement. This would mean concentrating on dealing with your mother's possessions, processing how you feel about her passing, and looking after yourself. This would also mean not making any decisions about moving to the UK, or any decisions about your relationship until you are feeling stronger.

I'm sorry that you are having such a bad time and wish you well for the future.

Thank you Fruitgum...I think that is good advice. I think I need to force myself to do just that. And not making any decisions at this point is wise. The text I send to my fiance that we need to talk got responded to as follows:
"My God you were fine this morning, why all the dramatics? Talk? Fine! If that is what your wish! I can already see where this is going. I will see you after work but I will be spending time with (her daughter), just to warn you!!!"
See how this makes me feel oh so special?
My reply was snarky to say the least. Now we are both pissed off and this is how our arguments usually go.
All this two days before I leave town.
I think what I am going to do tonight is lay low. I am not going to engage her. I am not going to give her the cold shoulder either. I am not going to mope around but I am not going to "entertain" her daughter or watch kid shows like I usually do. I will just stay upstairs. The house is sooo small. The only privacy I have is in her bedroom.Suffices to say she won't give me the time of day and will stay distant all evening. I suppose I will sleep on the couch tonight.
You are right. I am in no frame of mind to do anything and probably I should NOT discuss anything or I might regret what I say.
I love her but my self esteem is taking a real knocking. I have been been there and done that and I am not about to let it happen again.
I just feel so....abandoned. Lost. Uncertain. Unloved. Unwanted.
Thanks to all who have replied. Thank you for letting me winge...well according to her, be "dramatic". Maybe I am. I am sounding like a co-D and my violin is getting way too big so I better just chill out. Like Cher said...."SNAP OUT OF IT".

I agree with the other posters about how it sounds like a similar situation to the other member recently (and also similar to a couple of other members over the years whose relationships have not worked out). These could be warning signs of what could be ahead for you and perhaps it's an indication that maybe the relationship isn't meant to be.

Just a few thoughts from another point of view though:

How is your fiance feeling about her visa denials and about moving to the US (or you moving to the UK)?

I'm just wondering how she has been affected by all of this. Perhaps she is projecting her frustration about the situation onto you - her annoyance and impatience with you maybe because she feels like she is the one doing all the hard work, not you.

After all, she is the one who was about to uproot herself and her daughter from a good life in the UK to live with you in the US. She was going to leave her NHS career and her life in the UK, not to mention taking her daughter out of school and away from her friends and her life, to become a student in the US, completely reliant on you for funding and accommodation.

She has suffered through two US visa denials which has now affected her immigration record and is preventing her from returning to the US again for a number of years... and if she remains in a relationship with you, she will be affected by that for the rest of her life and may have problems entering the US from now on (at the very least, she will need a visa to visit the US for the rest of the life). I have applied for 4 US visas in the past (and will require a visa to visit the US forever due to not being eligible for the VWP) - 2 student visas and 2 visitor visas - and the process is nervewracking enough without factoring in any visa denials.

She may feel that it's unfair - that she went through all of that because you are unwilling to give up your job, your home, your pension and your great life in the US for her . As you have probably now realised, it can actually be much harder for a UK citizen to move to the US than a US citizen to move to the UK, especially as a same-sex couple.... and essentially, you are making her do all the work and sacrifice her life in the UK because you don't want to move.

You've said before that moving scares you and that change scares you, but what about her? What about her daughter? They were going to leave the only life they'd ever known to move to a new country where they knew no one but you. Did your fiance actually want to live in the US (and leave her other child(ren) behind)? Did she really want to study in the US or was she only doing it because she couldn't qualify for a spousal visa and you were unwilling to take the much easier route of moving to the UK on a civil partner visa?

You have mentioned that you're going to look into a civil partner visa for the UK, but it sounds like it's something you are doing because you have to and not because you want to... it doesn't seem like something you are happy or excited about - and going into it with resentment or unwillingness isn't going to help the situation and may put even more strain on the relationship (i.e. how is it making her feel that you don't want to move to her country, that you want her to sacrifice her life for you, but you aren't willing to do the same for her? Could that be why she is acting the way she is ...and is it only going to get worse with time?).

KS....I see your point totally and you gave me much food for thought. So....I asked her about it in loving and non-threatening way, even going as far to say that I wouldn't blame her if she did. She responded with her usual dose of sarcasm and told me "that is COMPLETELY ridiculous...are you a consulate officer???"
She said she is mad at the world and that her life hasn't been her own for a year and all she has to show for it is a ban from the US for two years!
And just to further salt my open wound said " so are you hungry for dinner? I wouldn't want to be blamed for not asking".
Yes we did have a talk about other things as well. It was at her urging. She wanted to know (and in a perturbed way) what my "problem" was.
It was mostly unproductive. I told her that I don't feel special anymore. I told her about the two incidences that hurt me. I reminded her how needy I DONT WANT TO BE but how completely vulnerable and raw I feel and how I have dummied down my emotions concerning my mom's death to the point that I am scared when I "let go". She was non-responsive. I told her how much I do adore her and how I would never treat her that way. I told her I was not going to take being belittled any more and how I would never talk to her like she does me and how she would have been long gone if I did do!
I asked her exactly what is it about me that adds to her day, what is it about me that enriches her life because I have been feeling lately that I am nothing but an irritation. Her response to what do you like about me...."just you being you". Nice. Sounds like something a friend would say.
She then tried to flip it all on me> She said.."well it sounds like you are getting tired of me". I told her I was not going to accept that and that she is dodging the issues. I also told her that if I was breaking up with her I wouldn't beat around the bush and I would tell her straight out. She said " JOLLY GOOD".
She said she was cross. Then she said she was numb. Then she said she needed a nap and was "sorry if I just didn't understand her need to do so". This is from the woman who texted me that she intends to spend the evening with her daughter. Never mind that it was me who gave her daughter a snack because Mommy wouldn't get out of bed. UGH.
KS...you do have some very very good insight. I am not discounting that in any way. I wish it was the case. I wish she would say that she is bitter towards me. That would be a hell of a lot better than feeling my mere presence irritates her (which is what I still feel).
The decision for her to go to the US was made jointly based on the fact that my pension, if I stayed just a few years longer, would go up dramatically and it would be better overall for our family financially. She earns 1/4 of what I do and getting accepted to both UCLA and Azusa Pacific for a Masters is quite something. I own a home. She is selling hers. Quite frankly my lifestyle is very nice. I am not rich per se but comfortable. Yes she would be completely dependent on me but only for awhile. She would be able to get a part time job working 20 hours and nursey wages command up to $100 or more per hour. You do the math! And that is when she is still in school.
If I moved to the UK, I could not practice law immediately. I would have to find some sort of job. Tesco if necessary! She would still be financially dependent on me and as a matter of honest fact she is partially dependent on me now as I send her money every month.
The bottom line as I see it is: she needs to want to listen to how I feel. She needs to truly care about my feelings. That is expected as my partner I would think. If she is loath to do that then I don't think that is much of a relationship. It is not what I thought I had with her and not what I would ever want.
We..... need to communicate without her feeling "attacked" and "bullied" and lashing back at me probably with not even really listening to me.
You are right that I don't really want to move here. I thought I did at one time. Now I don't. And I certainly won't if I don't feel like my relationship is solid.
I would have done anything for love...for her love...to be with her. Tonight I am not feeling it. Maybe that will change. I hope it does.
Thanks to all for your comments! I appreciate your insight and advice!

I think people are referring to Teddy.  http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=75910.0

I don't mean to be insensitive but did anybody wonder about the veracity of the story?

Of course. But there's not much you can do to verify or disprove it.

Um, I totally thought 'Teddy' was a Catfish, and ignored all of his/her posts.

I hope I was right, because I would not want anyone to have to go through that mess.