The eight month vent.

I've been in the UK about eight months now, and while it's been pretty hard, I don't hate it here.  But I find that the longer I'm here, the more people at home annoy me.

Eight months and I haven't gotten a single phone call from them.  I must initiate everything.  They barely respond to emails and can't make ten minutes to learn Skype (despite my showing them personally before I left and even buying them webcams.)  It's not about a technical ability - they just don't perceive it as being important enough to sort out.  It makes me feel like they don't miss me at all.  Sometimes, I'm glad for that, but mostly it just reminds me that even though I don't belong in the UK yet, I don't really belong at home anymore, either.

And yet at the same time, they seem to want to dictate when I come visit.  Will I be home for Christmas?  What about Thanksgiving?  You'll be back in the spring, too, right?  None of them seems to consider the COST of my traveling to THEM all the time, nor the disruption it causes in jobs and everyday life.  And why would they, since not one of them has even filled out the Passport forms in the hopes of perhaps, one day, many moons from now, coming to visit ME? 

My sister, who is listed in the "never calls yet wants a visit" box, actually asked me if I'd watch her children for a week the next time I'm in the states.   As if a) my coming to town is a great time to get out of dodge and b) I don't have ANYTHING better to do during my short stay in my hometown.  What's with people who don't understand SHARING you when you come home to visit, by the way?  Nobody seems to remember that there are 20 other people who also haven't seen you.

But the thing that really gets me upset is that even if you take ten deep breaths and calmly mention any of this, people get in a huff and act like, "hey, man - YOU'RE the one who left.  YOU deal with it."  And maybe they're right.  I moved away, so why should THEY pay an extra three bucks on the phone bill to call me just once? 

Or maybe I knew that's how it'd be and that's why I chose to go somewhere to live with someone who used to live an ocean away from me, too, yet called me daily.

For my next rant, I will discuss health care in america and why nobody thinks I should be allowed an opinion or vote on it since I'm an ungrateful jerk who left the country and therefore couldn't possibly have ANY vested interest in what happens there.

SO SHOUTY URGH

(I feel better already. thanks.)

 Let it out!

 I just moved out of my centrally located apartment and into my fathers house which is about 25 minutes away from downtown....and I think as far as my friends are concerned, I have moved to the moon! I have gotten ONE phone call in a week, when I used to get calls all the time.

 I can't imagine what it will be like when I'm in England.



Actually, I can.....it will probably be just like it is this week minus one phone call.

 Is it THAT hard to pick up the phone? Do I not matter anymore because I'm no longer 2 minutes down the road?


 RANTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 Anyhow, the moral of the story is that I feel your pain and I haven't even left yet!:P

Thaumata, welcome to the club!

I have lived in the UK for 20+ years and no one from 'home' has ever come to visit me, yet they seem annoyed when I am unable to travel to the US to visit them!

Thank goodness for email... if it wasnt for email, I would have completely lost touch with my family years ago, cos God forbid they ever pick up the phone and call me.   It's always me that makes the phone calls, although they have become less frequent over the last couple of years... I've basically started taking the attitude that if they're not going to bother, why should I?
 My mom has even told me that they are thinking about cancelling their long distance telephone service, since they never use it!   Hello?  You have a daughter in Scotland?

'You're the one that left'... yep, I used to hear that one a lot in the early days.
You learn to ignore it.

I've been in England nearly 2 years now and my main communication with my family is the occasional group email forward from one of my brothers. My parents will call for about 15 minutes every 3 months but only if I don't give in and call them first. When my daughter was born last year, no one called except my parents. I can count on one hand then number of times that my family has called and still have fingers left over. We did bought my parents a webcam in February last year before I came back on my spousal visa but they've not used it once and I can guarantee that it's just collecting dust on a shelf or in a drawer somewhere.

You're not alone and yes it gets really tiring to be the only one making an effort.

hugs..

Vent all you need!  Family can be so annoying like that.

At least my folks never used the "you moved" line on me - only because they moved to Florida about six months before I moved here!

This all sounds so familiar.  Something you've said about visiting 20 other people reminds me so much of you youngest brother when he was in the military - my parents complaining to him when he came home because they didn't get to see enough of him, and him feeling like he was having to split himself between so many people in the short time he was home...now I understand what he means!

I make three phone calls to the US a month - my mom, and one to each of my two kids, and I don't gripe about those because my mom's on Social Security (so she has an excuse, needs the extra money for her cigarettes!) and my kids are young and broke - after 4 years here, don't know how many years that excuse will work!

My youngest brother and his family visited for 10 days earlier this summer, my first visitors and probably the last!  If any of my 4 siblings gets a chance to visit in the future, it will be them.  We had a wonderful time and they're not stupid - they recognised the small fortune they saved by being able to visit the UK and NOT have to pay to stay in a hotel!   

The other thing you will notice, Thaumata, if you haven't been back to the US yet since you moved to the UK, is that people have moved on.  I had a much more difficult time adjusting to that than anything else - I was not just a visitor when I went back to the US, everyone was happy to see me, but I no longer knew what anyone was talking about!  Sorry, stealing your vent there a little...ha, will be interested in hearing what you have to say about health care in America!

I'll echo the welcome to the club sentiment.  We have tee-shirts! 

My extended family often acts the way you describe, but my parents do come over here at least once a year.  It's so tough when people do not understand how much their actions and words affect you.  I think it's especially tough in the first year or two or three or however long it takes you to set up your own life here.  I know what my cousins say about when I am going to visit while many have no intention of doing so themselves rolls off my back and I say when I can afford it and have the time, until then I have Europe to explore.  I know I'm a bit of a harsh example on how I respond to them, but it's because of what you described and me just getting fed up with it.  My parents however can guilt me into anything but then they actually spend the money to visit. 

 

My family isn't quite so bad about calling (well, the rest of my family is, my mum does call me occasionally but only if she hasn't heard from me in a week) but I know what you mean about feeling pressure to visit.  We're going over for Christmas this year and then that's probably going to be it for at least 2 years due to cost...my mum is going to hate that, but then she can come visit me if she likes!

I'll admit I don't phone my dad nearly as much as I ought to. But every now and then I'll get an indignant phone call from him asking why I haven't been in touch. Has he ever phoned me? Nope. Maybe once EVER in the 25+ years I've been living away from him.

Awww, sorry your family sucks. I can't believe your sister asked you to watch her kids while you were in town! Grrrrrrr! WTF??!!!

I can't complain too much, because usually I am the one being hassled to get on webcam with my mom. But, I expect my first visit back this year after nearly 1 1/2 years away will be stressful just trying to see my friends without upsetting my family. I'm looking forward to it, but I suspect I will be very glad when we come back!

it just reminds me that even though I don't belong in the UK yet, I don't really belong at home anymore, either.

Oh gosh...this! This feeling has hit me hard recently, also at the 8-9 month mark. 
Email and Facebook are great, but relationships change quickly when this is the primary form of contact, as people do move on.  Initially, I was begged to provide email 'updates', but interest in that fades rather quickly, and you run out of exciting things to update on as you get into a more routine life! 

When I was preparing for this move, I had the thought tucked away in my head that if somehow things don't work out, at least I know I can always go home.   But now I realise exactly how difficult that would be, and that little thought doesn't bring any comfort at all anymore, only panic!  (though I know it's unwarrented panic)  I guess it's just requires time to move past this. 

 

I'm lucky that my parents have been really supportive.  I get the weekly call like clockwork.  Don't think mom is too keen on coming over here for a visit, but that's got to do with her fear of flying and driving with my dad.  I keep in infrequent communication with Bro and Sis, but it's been like that for years.  Facebook has helped immensely.

My sister and her family is planning to come see me next summer in London.  I live in Bristol.      

  

My parents are also extremely supportive, in fact, my whole family is. I'm the one who feels like I have to visit every single person while I'm home. No one else makes me feel that way. Part of it is my fault because I go home so freakin' much. I don't give people the chance to miss me.    Since I'm home so much no one feels the need to come visit me. Oh, and my sister said she'd come visit me when I have a baby. No pressure there! 

Ugh - I can so relate!

The month before we moved over here everyone started acting like we were about to be executed. I have a four year old daughter, and suddenly family that she maybe sees once a year started scheduling all of these visits and whining about how much they're going to miss her and how dare we move away... I cannot convince them that they'll still see us four times a year (for several weeks at a time) - which is more than they usually bother to visit *us*!

I just wish everyone would realize that no, we're not dying and yes, technology has made frequent communication possible and cost-effective.

And asking you to watch her kids for a WEEK while you're effectively on vacation? I hope you don't have any problems with the word "No".   

I come from a family of travelers and armchair travelers (for those who no longer can), so I'm lucky in that they totally get it (or got it, since I'm now back in the US!). I had more family in the UK come to my wedding than DH (the UK one) did. My mother visited several times as did several friends and cousins).

But now that I'm back, I hardly see anyone!