Getting Huge Protest About Leaving

This is going to be a long post.  My eyes are puffy from crying and I can't hardly see.  I just want to take a sleeping pill and wake up tomorrow have a cup of coffee and pretend I never mentioned a word to anyone about anything.

I haven't been eating or sleeping lately because I am sick with worry.  I already have so many reservations and apprehension about leaving and my husband and I have been tossing this idea around for over a year.  We have a small window of opportunity to move, and this seems the most appropriate time as there are some job prospects for my husband and a place to live (but those won't be available forever).

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.  He has been ready to get back home since he came here and our visit last year just made it worse.  He is 47 years old and has really no future of retirement here.  I am not working because daycare is about $1300+ a month (this will relate to another point here further down).  I am 35 and plan on going back to work again in a year or two when my middle child is in pre-k or Kindergarten.   Even if I can get work or go back to teaching, the area in which I hold my degree), I don't know how I can make enough money in 15 years to support him and save up retirement money for myself, no to mention having money to put our kids through school if they choose to go.

He has two ailing parents in their 70s; mine are in their 60s.  One of his reasons to go is to be able to be near his parents.  Another reason is for retirement, sick pay, health care, and vacation pay.  Here he's lucky to get 2 weeks max. and those days are usually taken in 1 and 2 day increments when the work is slow to make up for loss of hours/wages.  My husband also feels that our children will receive a better education there and likes the "safety net" the social system provides.

My mom and dad wanted to spend some time today with my two younger children and came to get us, etc.  My dad sensed my tension and asked me what was wrong and I told him I couldn't really say- a bunch of things.  So I started talking to them about it for the fourth time this year.  Every time I bring up moving it turns ugly.  My mom starts yelling and crying.  I'm in the back bawling and about to hyperventilate.

They bring up every aspect of why this would be the worst possible decision of my life.  Granted, my marriage has not been perfect, whose is?  My mom is telling me how things are going to get worse between us and I'll have no where to fall back on, no support.  She says she doesn't really think I love my husband and that I "tolerate" him.  I thought love involved tolerance- but okay.  At this point, my mother is yelling at me.  

My parents bring up how we'll never be able to do anything up there even though there's 4+ weeks holiday at work.  My dad said, "My own grandsons won't remember me and I'll only get to see them maybe two more times before I'm dead."  My mom also mentioned that my awkward 8-year old will be even worse off in school and that he'll get picked on even more because he'll even more different. My child is bullied pretty badly because he is tall and skinny; he loves to read, doesn't play sports, likes to build things.  He's naturally introverted and tends to get sad easily.  My mom was laying it on thick about how this move might "destroy" my son.  This is tearing me up the most, of course.

Then they talk about how bad the weather is and how I'm just in love with the enchantment of the scenery and all that b.s.  Yes, I saw how Scotland was beautiful but I went in March, so I also know how bleak it can look too! "How are you going to handle living in a 'row' house/town house?" They asked.  I think he was referring to council houses or adjoined houses, etc. "You'll be miserable!" They shouted.  Okay, that one was valid because I have always lived in the country on an acreage.  

After just a 15 minute drive, I asked them to take me home.  Then they came into the house and held my children for 30 minutes, like it was going to be their last time.  I wanted them to leave so bad so I could call someone, but I don't have anyone I can talk to right now.

They think the best thing is for my husband to get into a job where he gets more time off (oh, now there's a solution to our problem)   .  I don't think they understand.  Right now, the economy is so bad, no one's hiring.  He can't leave his job for less pay, etc.  After my third son was born, I told them I would like to go back to work and begin building some job experience again, even if it's part-time.  I asked my mom, if she wouldn't mind keeping my younger two a few days a week for me.  Her response is, "No, we can't do that.  We want to do some travelling."  Fair enough.  They go to the Grand Canyon, the Tetons, etc.  Next fall they plan to go to New York again.  They go on two or three hour drives to do whatever they want during the week.  This irks me right to the bone is they want to offer all this "advice" and are living the life they want to live while my husband's toiling a way in a job he'll have to do until he drops dead probably.  They do help me some expenses, which is nice, but after today that has all stopped.

What the hell is going on here?  Sorry.  I am just sick with sadness and anger at the same time.  So what am I supposed to do?  Keep my husband here where he's miserable and never try to do anything new because I'm afraid they'll never see my children again.  Isn't it kind of selfish?  Isn't it kind of selfish that my parents-in-law have missed out on seeing our kids grow up?  My father-in-law had never seen my children until last year!

So my parents are hellbent on keeping me here or making me even more miserable over there.  My dad, however, did say that he's happy as long as I'm happy.  

I try to tell them if it doesn't work out, I can come back.  The visas only for 2 years anyway.  Sure, we'd have to start over back here.  There are hundreds of thousands of Americans starting over right now after being foreclosed on after the last crash.  I don't know what to do but my head is actually hurting, thumping from the tension.

Sorry this is so long.  You all must thing my family is majorly dysfunctional.  They are very possessive of my children, but I really don't think they care about me otherwise they wouldn't have put me through this.  I just have to get it out to somebody because it is ripping me up inside.

Julie, first of all, your visa will be for ILR, IIRC because you've been married so long.  Also, your children don't need visas at all.  They're UK nationals and you'll need to apply for their British passports.

If you are able to come in on ILR, you'll be able to start looking for work and possibly get tax credits to help with childcare costs if you qualify (depends on your pay). 

You have to live for YOU and YOUR FAMILY.

Your folks do, too.  And they do - they enjoy their retirement by travelling and whatnot.  It's unreasonable to expect you and your spouse to live unhappy lives just for their benefit.

Because it sounds like you are both very, very unhappy in the US and tbh, your children are still quite young and could do a move well.

As you said, you have a window to move and it's a bit of a now or never.

Have you started the visa process yet?  Or applied for your childrens' passports?

Why not tell them:  I know this is stressing you out.  But I'm doing what I feel is best for my family and ME.  I know it's a lot for you to accept, so why don't we agree to disagree and not discuss this at present.

And then don't.

Make your plans, go about your business and when you feel down keep in mind you and your family have to come first.

  So what am I supposed to do? 

I don't see why you keep trying to discuss it with them.  I wouldn't bother.  And when they start harping on you, tell them it isn't a discussion, you are letting them know out of courteousness.  And then leave or hand up anytime they talk about it.  You don't have to let them control this or make you feel guilty.

Good luck either way.

I wish I could just say "here's how it is " and leave it at that.  I have a great relationship with my parents but the more I look at it, I have chosen every path they wanted me to make, based on their advice, not my dreams and choices.  Although I do regret not doing things without their advice and support, I don't want to emotionally destory them.  My father's blood pressure is dangerously high, to the point I think I might lose him at any time.  My mother has some problems but does not seek medical treatment for her problem, but I still  worry I can't be there for them.  I love them dearly and we have great times together.  Still, I think it is time for my husband's parents to see our children.  They are really worse off physically and have not had the years my parents have had with our children.  In fact, right now I know they need us.

My parents have had the young, tender years with my children and now it's time to let my parents-in-law have a shot at enjoying the fruits of their labor, right?  My mom got to be in the delivery room when each of my children were born and she's been to every Christmas, birthday and school assembly.  To be fair, it's not just her grandkids their also my husband's parent's grandchildren.  I just am sick they can't share and wish they could see things the way I see it.  :\\\'(

The behaviour of your parents is absolutely unacceptable.  I do except they are sad and will miss you and the kids, but they can use some of their vacation money to come visit you in the UK and to help you to fly back to the US for visits as well.

I also feel they may be trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband with some of the comments you mentioned (that you don't love him, that your marriage will get worse when you move there, etc.)  Also what they said about your son, how it will be worse for them--that also is unacceptable.  He is young and who knows he may absolutely love the UK and make all kinds of new friends, etc.  He may see it as a wonderful adventure--your parents only see it as doom and gloom and that is very toxic to you and your family, and toxic is the last thing you need right now.  You need love and support, and if they are not willing or able to give it then it is time to separate yourself from their influence as best as you can.

It may be worse, but it could be so so so much better!  If it isn't you can move back or move somewhere else in Scotland. 

From this post and others I think your husband might be romanticizing some things about life here, but that is to be expected.  He left when he was young and your life there sounds unfun. 

You could move somewhere else in the US, jobs in the UK are just as hard to find in some locations, but then you wouldn't have the in-laws help.   

They have chosen their lives, and believe me I understand the parents not helping with grandkids that is one reason why I haven't had any yet, and now you get to chose yours!

I am glad my mom had her fake nervous breakdown, you don't love me blah blah when I was 20 and in Scotland because it made me realize that I needed to live my life for me.

Go do what YOU have to do for you and your family.  Other people will never be happy.

From this post and others I think your husband might be romanticizing some things about life here, but that is to be expected.  He left when he was young and your life there sounds unfun. 
 

If I'm doing the maths correctly, he was already in his 30s when he left.

IME, too, Scotsmen aren't the type to romanticise things like this.  Most stick to sense when it comes to making big moves like this.

And I think given yours and his financial and job situations, this move makes sense.  He has a job and a home to rent waiting for him.


Sounds like you've hit the nail on the head in that you've lived a lot of your life based on what your folks wanted.  Now, you're the parents, and you need to start living for you and yours, too.

Your folks have got you focusing on everything negative and scary and nothing positive and good, which this country does have to offer. 

Head down, start moving forward and just refuse to discuss this with them anymore.  You have enough on your plate without all their doom-mongering.

If I'm doing the maths correctly, he was already in his 30s when he left.

IME, too, Scotsmen aren't the type to romanticise things like this.  Most stick to sense when it comes to making big moves like this.

You're right.  He was nearly 37.  He had 21 years experience on the job before he left Scotland.  He does relate to being made redundant, the difficulty of finding a job and everything else the workforce over there deals with.  We are prepared for the good and the bad, hopefully.

I can't speak for everyone, but my Scotsman doesn't romanticise about anything, except maybe how beautiful the highlands about memories of great trips there.    He simply wants to be nearer his family and be able to enjoy his children.  We are giving up a bigger house and acreage, and we're leaving my parents and a system full of workers with falling wages, unemployment, expensive health care and limited social help for the unemployed and even more limited relief for those whose living is being effected by a slowing economy.

I just want my parents to give us their blessing.

It may be, sadly, that you may never get their outright blessing, per se.

But you and your husband must do what you really feel you want to do, for your own lives and that of your children. In your family unit, it's your lives now.

It boils down to: understandable that the parents are upset, but the stink they're kicking up is crossing the line into selfish territory. And that's not cool, not on, not acceptable.

It may be, sadly, that you may never get their outright blessing, per se.

I agree.

It may be that you will always get the opposite.

Is it worth risking your health and familly over, is the big question, because they are being very selfish.

They want to have their cake - travelling around - and eat it, too - have you there even though you and yours are not happy.

The world doesn't work like that.

In answer to your last questions, yes, they are being very selfish. They are likely to make you feel guilty for it, but hey, it's your life, not theirs. And, if you think this move is best, or at least want to give it a shot, then you should go for it, and they will eventually except or just get over it, or if they don't, at least you will be thousands of miles away and won't have to deal with them very much! You have to do what's right for you and your family, and if you and your husband think this is it, then you should go for it. If they can travel all of those other places, then they can certainly come and visit you and the kids here. Hope you feel better soon.

I think the only relevant thing your parents may have brought up is your relationship with your husband.  I don't say that because I have any idea about your relationship - obviously I don't.  You are the only one who can examine that question.  But I do believe if a couple isn't 100% on rock solid ground then attempting such a huge life change could be catastrophic.

As far as the rest of your parents comments - I agree with what everyone else has already said.

I think the only relevant thing your parents may have brought up is your relationship with your husband.  I don't say that because I have any idea about your relationship - obviously I don't.  You are the only one who can examine that question.  But I do believe if a couple isn't 100% on rock solid ground then attempting such a huge life change could be catastrophic.

Actually this is a good point too......mine collapsed completely and irretrievably during the transition, which can be stressful to the most solid of relationships. Having said that, there were other elements involved that can account for what happened in my relationship, (not least his concealed substance dependence) that won't necessarily be present in yours.

So I'll ammend my two cents to include thinking about the state of the union, so to speak. But as for your parents, I still hold that what they're doing is selfish and if all else is equal, you must go ahead with your plans if this is what you really want to do.

Don't let other people's selfishness and idea of what would make them happy stop you from giving a shot to what you feel may make YOU and yours happy. That's the bottom line.

On the other hand, if they came and things really went to seed, I'd rather be a single mum in the UK with ILR (well, I'm naturalised but as the OP has been married to a UK national so long she'd come in on ILR) with British children than in the US with parents who wouldn't even look after the kids for a couple of days a week whilst I worked full-time, tbh.

Still, it's really bang out of order to hurl accusations like that at your own kid no matter what you feel privately. 

(well, I'm naturalised but as the OP has been married to a UK national so long she'd come in on ILR)

She actually wouldn't unless she first went to the UK as a visitor and passed the KOL test, which would get her ILE.  Failing that, she'd enter with FLE with KOL required.

Julie.bug, I have no advice but wish you the best of luck.  Your parents are probably just afraid of change, they'll get used to it.  Point out that it'd be a great opportunity for them to travel to Scotland, since they seem to enjoy travel.