Cold feet.

We've been together 10 months...The whole marriage thing hasn't been discussed in detail. He just knows that "someday" I want to be married. He (up until he met me) didn't ever want to get married again. He said that he would at some point marry me, that I meant that much to him, but he needed time to get use to the idea. Not so romantic, but coming from a man bitter from divorce, I thought at the time it was a good step.
The September date was set as to when I would move over there. Permanently. And honestly, maybe that is a BIG HUGE step that I have been thinking was no big deal.
I guess my fear is that by giving him more time, I am saying that I will wait around forever for you....
On top of all the distance and everything, I am still an insecure girl, afraid of what my next move should be...

Well, maybe you are rushing him.  I know there's no "set" time for how long you should be together before the move and that it's different for everyone, but your boyfriend seems to feel that 10 months isn't long enough.  I can kind of understand that, given that he's getting over a divorce.  He probably wants to take things as slow as possible because he's trying to protect himself AND you.  In my experience, it seems like long-distance relationships take about twice as long as face-to-face ones.  For example, you might consider marriage after 1 year of face-to-face dating, but wouldn't feel like you were ready for it until 2 years in a long-distance relationship.  I'd suggest the two of you sit down and be really honest about what you want and when you want it.  I'm sure he loves you and wants to be with you, but just needs a bit more time until you're in the face-to-face phase of the relationship. 

How were you planning on moving here permanently without a fiancee' or spousal visa?  If you're coming on a work permit or student visa, that's almost ideal, as it gives you a reason to be here OTHER than him.  Perhaps that'll take the pressure off?

 

lolabola,
You are probably right, it is just hard for me as the September date worked so well into my plan. I guess that is just it, it has been my plan all along. Although, I am not going to take all responsibility for this, because he never once stopped me...he never said it was moving too fast...and honestly, it scares me that to think about what would have happened if I hadn't brought this up yesterday.
Would he have held it all in and resented me and my move there, or would he have waited until Aug 31st and told me...oh yeah, by the way, I don't think this will work out? Both are scary thoughts.
I guess my real fear is that we won't be able to work thru all of this...mainly, I am afraid that I will think all the time that he is just leading me on, and has no intention of incorporating me into his life.

lolabola,
You are probably right, it is just hard for me as the September date worked so well into my plan. I guess that is just it, it has been my plan all along. Although, I am not going to take all responsibility for this, because he never once stopped me...he never said it was moving too fast...and honestly, it scares me that to think about what would have happened if I hadn't brought this up yesterday.
Would he have held it all in and resented me and my move there, or would he have waited until Aug 31st and told me...oh yeah, by the way, I don't think this will work out? Both are scary thoughts.
I guess my real fear is that we won't be able to work thru all of this...mainly, I am afraid that I will think all the time that he is just leading me on, and has no intention of incorporating me into his life.

Congratulate yourself on having the guts to bring it up now.  You're right - it's a mess now, but it would have  been an even bigger mess if you never said anything.  :-)

I know it's hard, but all you can really do is give your relationship time to work.  I was the same way when DH and I were apart - I wanted to be together YESTERDAY and put a lot of pressure on myself and him because of that.  Ultimately though, it  took over 4 years until we were married and I moved here, and you know what?  It was more than worth the wait.  Just give yourselves some time...you both have issues to work through and you'll be a much stronger couple if you spend some extra time working on yourselves and your relationship at this point.

The hardest thing to accept when you're in a long distance relationship is that there are three parties involved - you, your boyfriend, and distance.  The distance will play tricks on you and make you doubt your boyfriend.  You just have to remember that he loves you.  He wants to be with you.  He just isn't ready to be 100% immersed in this relationship yet.  How often have you/do you see each other?  Perhaps the visits are too short or too infrequent and that's making you worry about him leading you on and/or not incorporating you into his life.  I know it's easier said than done, but maybe more visits would help.  I still wouldn't rule out the "trial move" option.  Could you take a month off from work or something?

Also, how's your "real" life?  Are you busy?  Or do you spend all of your time talking/chatting/emailing your boyfriend?  I found that I HAD to do other things because I got too wrapped up our relationship and spent far too much time focused on the fact that we were apart.  Make a real effort to motivate yourself and put your relationship in perspective.  It should be a priority, but not the only priority.  Take care of yourself first and the rest will take care of itself. 

I wish you luck!  :-)

 

I don't spend that much time emailing or talking with J...we try to keep it healthy, and to be honest sometimes we will talk in the afternoon and then first thing in the morning, and nothing has gone on, there isn't much to talk about. We do a really good job at keeping in touch, and also having a life. And I do have a life outside of this relationship. Although, right now, it seems to be my only thought. I wake up in the morning, knots in my tummy, wondering what is going on....
We just got off the phone, and I told him he had the time, as much as he needs, as long as he promises that he does want a future with me. I don't want this relationship to stay "status quo" forever. What sort of life is that? He said, yes, all or nothing...and I agree. I don't know if that means he is on board?
As much as it hurts right now, at the mere thought of losing him, I'd rather do it now, than think for 6 month or longer that we are working towards something that he is/was never going to follow thru with. That would crush me.
I'm at a loss as to what I am suppose to do.

I would say to just give yourselves some time.  You work on your life and he'll work on his.  You've been together ten months - that's not a terribly long time...maybe in another 10 months you'll both be ready for taking things to the next level. 

In the meantime though, he's said that he wants to be with you and you have to take him at his word.  I think you're just going to have to let your boyfriend go at his own pace on this...trust me, if he's anything like my husband, the more you push him, the more he's going to dig in his heels.  If he feels like you're pressuring him or pushing him to let you move over too soon, he's going to resent that and it could cause a huge rift between you.

Continue enjoying and getting to know one another.  I know (we all do!) how difficult it is to be apart, but you can make good use of the time.  I look back now on the time my husband and I spent apart and I'm so thankful for it - we were forced to get to know each other in ways that would have been impossible had we been able to be together in-person.

Good luck!      

I have been following this topic for a couple days now...  and everything possible to say, Lola has said it... just hold onto your patience dear and if it meant to happen, it will when the timing is right...and your relationship will be much the stronger for it...

good luck 

Lola,
You have honestly been a rock for me the past few days...everything you have said is not only insightful, but well written as well. You obviously have been exactly where I am now.
I feel really, really tired right now. More than anything, I just want things to settle down, so we can see where we go from here, you know? He is coming over next Thursday, at a big expense (he just booked the flight yesterday afternoon) because we won't see each other until after July 4th (we are both swamped with work)...so he is making the effort to see me, and just get some time together.
And I totally hear you when you say the more I push, the more he is going to pull away and/or dig in. I have had a long distance relationship before. He lived in NC and I was in San Francisco. I was unemployed, traveling the world, and we met during my travels. We had a very solid 8 months of seeing each other every few weeks. Romantic trips to Paris and St. Thomas. And when it was finally time for me to get back to the real world (had to go back to work sometime) he suggested and I agreed that the only way we would know if we had something would be for me to move there. Well even before I left SF, I knew something was off...and it didn't get better when, for the first 4 months I was there, I was living with him. Needless to say, he got quiet the more I asked, "What’s wrong?" Obviously, it ended terribly. I moved out and got my own place. We went to his mothers for the holidays, and he broke up with me on New Years Eve (while we were still visiting). I promised myself I would never go through something like that again, and I am trying to learn from my past mistakes.
I decided yesterday afternoon, once his flights were all in line, that I would just chill out until I see him. Things have taken a different turn than I was planning on, but I realize the more I want to talk about things, the more round and around we go.  Thanks again for everything.
Tara

Awww.  You're welcome.  Glad I could help (and sorry I hogged the thread!).  I've PMed you.   

you did not hog the thread lola...you were very insightful and right on the money...  i am sure most of us would have said the same things...  you just managed to take kitten by the hand and walked her through her turmoil...  that is a good thing...  do you work with people?

Thanks, Shel.  Just glad to be of service.  I'm always concerned that I'll give too much advice - that's one of my faults...I'm a never-ending source of nonsolicited advice!     I don't have any formal counselling experience or anything, but I was a teacher...I guess that experience helps me talk to people about their issues sometimes. 

Not to mention that I'm kind of a first-hand expert on the whole "I want to move to England because I love you but I don't want to wait to move and I want you to want me to move and I miss you and I want to be together and how are we gonna get the paperwork done and let's plan a wedding" thing!   

Thanks, Shel.  Just glad to be of service.  I'm always concerned that I'll give too much advice - that's one of my faults...I'm a never-ending source of nonsolicited advice!     I don't have any formal counselling experience or anything, but I was a teacher...I guess that experience helps me talk to people about their issues sometimes. 

Not to mention that I'm kind of a first-hand expert on the whole "I want to move to England because I love you but I don't want to wait to move and I want you to want me to move and I miss you and I want to be together and how are we gonna get the paperwork done and let's plan a wedding" thing!

   It doesnt take any formal education to be a caring and helpful person  

Thanks, Shel.  Just glad to be of service.  I'm always concerned that I'll give too much advice - that's one of my faults...I'm a never-ending source of nonsolicited advice!     I don't have any formal counselling experience or anything, but I was a teacher...I guess that experience helps me talk to people about their issues sometimes. 

Not to mention that I'm kind of a first-hand expert on the whole "I want to move to England because I love you but I don't want to wait to move and I want you to want me to move and I miss you and I want to be together and how are we gonna get the paperwork done and let's plan a wedding" thing!   

Like Shel, I'd been reading this thread since the beginning but felt that Lola was really hitting the nail on the head with honesty,insightful advice and support. It is always really important to know that other people have gone through similar situations- believe me, I wish I had had this resource when my hubby and I were still in our LDR!

Good grief, I'd happily relate my whole experience and what I felt, etc, but I think Lola has said everything there is to say that is helpful  Just know that you aren't alone in this..it's a whole new can of dating worms, that's for sure!

Just know that we're thinking of you and are here to be supportive when you need it!

All the best,
Jen

Well he arrives in just a few hours...I am very anxious as to how this weekend is going to go. I thought I was fine, and that things would be OK, but now I have this feeling that things could be weird.
There has never been that readjustment time when we have been apart, I see him and all is fine. But I think this time is different. Just a bit of nerves, I guess, but all the same, my tummy is in knots.
I will post next week after he leave. I hope it is a positive post!!

My thoughts are with you.  I've been following your posts and pray that everything goes well for you.

Good luck with your visit!  I hope you guys get a chance to really talk and sort things out.  Enjoy your time together!