Mom is crying "Don't leave us"

Now that Bush is in, this gay couple is out of here! We know we have no chance of securing any rights for another 4 years. ...and my mom knows it too. The incredible irony is my mom & dad left England in 1965 to come to California in search of a better life. And now 39 years later, I am leaving California to go to England for a better life. My parents are 75 now, and the only thing they want out of life now is to have our small, close family together.

My mom cried yesterday...pleading with me to stay...to try to convince me that life will go on here in the U.S.  I know it will...but I also know, that as a gay bi-national couple, we have zero chance of living a normal life here. My husband can not work legally, can not get a drivers license, and can not travel. Even though we were married in San Francisco earlier this year...
we have absolutly no rights as a couple. So, we are coming to London in April.

Does anyone have any advise for me to comfort my mother? I am realizing that the "mom issue" is going to be the hardest part of the move. 

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for"....  Ultimately, it's up to you to change peoples' minds and convince them you deserve the same rights they are naturally afforded.  How is that to happen if you, and many others, simply decide to leave the country rather than stay and fight for what you feel is owed to you? 

I feel for you Nicky, I really do. But I also totally understand.... I have a lot of friends in SF who are probably going to be doing the same thing. Selfishly, it means more friends over here for me. But sadly it's at the expense of my home country....

As for your mom, she will get used to it. My mom is 76 - nearly 77 - and she put on a brave face but I know it's been super hard on her to have me this far away. But she now knows how happy I am here and she wants me happy, so she's adjusted.... In fact she's always saying "the world just keeps getting smaller" - possibly a way to comfort herself, but I do think she means it.

Some of the things that helped for me: I set up a calling plan for her that didn't involve a lot of hoo-ha in the way of codes to dial, etc. I just set it up through MCI and she's been amazed how little her phone bill is. And also we've agreed on a time and day for phone calls and now like clock work she phones every Friday afternoon for about a half hour. And I make a point to call for lots of little "stupid" things - like to ask her for recipes and whatnot - I think that makes it seem like we're right next door 'cause I don't just call for "proper" talks - I call just for a minute to ask silly questions and make her realize that I still need her advice, etc.

Good luck. It'll be super hard for a while, but everyone will adjust eventually.

I know you may not want to hear this, but this is my take:

If your parents are that old, how is thier health?  I mean, is there loads of time left to spend with them?  

I ask this because my choice to live back in the States for a few years is based on the health of my folks.  They are both ill, Mom on kidney dialysis (hoping for a transplant soon) Dad with poor lungs.  I would much rather stick it out in the States and be near my folks, to help them and to just be with them, than to only see them on visits.  

After my parents are both gone (DF's folks have both already passed away, sadly) then moving back to Scotland will make more sense.  (I hope they are around for years and years, but it's not up to me).

The way I see it, my folks made a LOT of sacrifices for me and my five sisters.  They made me who I am today, and without them...well, I'd just not be typing this now.  I feel more compeled to be with them than to be overseas.  You may or may not feel that way, which is fine.  But think of WHY your Mom wants you to stick around...

Good luck, I know that either way, there are a lot of sacrifices for you to make, and that any desicion will be hard.  

Hey, I want to go even further than AnneG. Listen, before you go, get your parents broadband and a decent videocam. Then when you settle in the UK, and we welcome you!, get yourself the same. That why she'll be able to talk/see you on a regular basis.

Nicky... I think people have given you the best advice.  The internet and email and phone are good ways to keep them close.  Will you be able to visit frequently?

I think from reading your husbands nationalities that he is not allowed to stay in the USA?   So staying might not even be an option?  Just wondering as that does make a difference to the advice. 

Why will it take 4 years to secure any rights?  Aren't state elections held at least every two years?  Can't you start working now to have the gay marriage/civil union referendum put back on the books for your next state election?

Could I just say that not everyone wants to be an activist. Some folks just want to get on with their lives as best as possible, and we should respect this.

Very true.  But I think if you feel so passionately about it that you will leave the country because of it (although I was under the impression-mistaken I guess-that gay marriage has been illegal in CA for at least the last two years?) then maybe it's something you want to get involved in.  In other words, if you feel that strongly about it, you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for other people to take the initiative.

But that's just my opinion.  Please don't take it personally, anyone-whatever your reasons for not wanting to "get involved" I'm sure they're valid.  They're yours, which is the important thing.

lightbulb, that's very true.. but at the same time, a few months back I posted about feeling very alienated and out of place even on this forum.  You know what I was told?  Basically, "if you don't like it, do something about it and make your voice heard.. otherwise, you don't care enough so stop complaining"

I wish that I had some magic formula to give to you that resolves these very difficult problems.  Unfortunately, I don't.  Most everybody here, however, does understand the heartache of being away from loved ones.

Frances raises some very important things to consider, and I wish I had somebody giving me her advice many years ago. 

I moved to England in 96 with my husband and six months later, I flew home when my dad had to undergo bypass surgery.  He was diabetic and from then onwards, his health steadily deteriorated over seven years.  He passed away two years ago at the age of 56.  In addition to that, my grandfather, who helped to raise me, died less than two years before my father. 

Both of these people were very special to me.  Losing both of them in a short period of time and being away from them during their illnesses, was a heavy burden for me to carry.  Travelling wasn't an option.  I had small children, and my husband was running a business and as such, we didn't have the money, time or flexibility for me to travel home.

I'm not trying to paint a dark picture or to have anybody pull out the violins for me.  I made my decisions and had two children to look after.  I just think that it's difficult to imagine how hard being separated from your family can be.  Some people cope better than others.   Some never look back.  Unfortunately, I fell into the coping not so well category.  I'm not making judgements on whether you should or shouldn't leave your parents, or whether you will or won't cope.  We all have our lives to live.  I just wish there was somebody who could have pointed some of these things out to me, and that's where I'm coming from.

If you do decide to move to England, your mom will come to terms with it.   International calling is very cheap now adays.  Within the US, so many people live out of state and away from their families and communicate with them no differently than "internationals" .  Keep in touch with people here who understand what it's like to be away from family and loved ones.  It will helps a lot.

I wish you best.  I know that the dilemma with your parents is only one issue in your circumstances; follow your instincts because they very rarely lead you astray. 

Hey it's well and good to talk about what he should do and being an activist BUT " My husband can not work legally, can not get a drivers license, and can not travel."  says it all to me.  If his husband was another American or had a visa to work or some rights afforded to him then maybe he would stay.  Seems to me that it's the issue of an international gay couple here -in other words Nicky has to choose his life in the USA or his partner.    So even if he wanted to stay the USA does not have a way for them to both stay together. 

Besides which he needs advice to help his mom and him cope.  So please can we keep the advice to that?  Sorry to act like a big mom, but I need my morning coffee....and I am so tired of arguements when people need help.


Nicky I wish you the best. I hope that things like modern technology will help to bridge the gap.  Personally my mom and dad call me every day.  It's a bit excessive but it lets me know that they are okay.  They live in the country and are getting older so it just lets me know there have been no accidents or incidents.  We also have a web camera and I would suggest setting up a web page or maybe even a blog like on www.livejournal.com

Hey it's well and good to talk about what he should do and being an activist BUT " My husband can not work legally, can not get a drivers license, and can not travel."  says it all to me.  If his husband was another American or had a visa to work or some rights afforded to him then maybe he would stay.  Seems to me that it's the issue of an international gay couple here -in other words Nicky has to choose his life in the USA or his partner.    So even if he wanted to stay the USA does not have a way for them to both stay together. 
Besides which he needs advice to help his mom and him cope.  So please can we keep the advice to that?  Sorry to act like a big mom, but I need my morning coffee....and I am so tired of arguements when people need help.
Nicky I wish you the best. I hope that things like modern technology will help to bridge the gap.  Personally my mom and dad call me every day.  It's a bit excessive but it lets me know that they are okay.  They live in the country and are getting older so it just lets me know there have been no accidents or incidents.  We also have a web camera and I would suggest setting up a web page or maybe even a blog like on www.livejournal.com

Here here, and thank you vnice!

On his behalf (cuz I'm on here A LOT more than he is!), and knowing him very well personally, for a very long time... he has fought, he will continue to fight even though it may be from a distance, but yes, he will be able to live in better peace with the love of his life.  He ain't no quitter!
As of right now, if his partner leaves the country, he will not be allowed back.  So, yeah, kind of a burden on him; and his family's in Belgium, so he's a bit concerned as to what would happen if he needed to get back to his family.

And, though she won't admit it, my mom has had a BALL shopping and shipping for me!!  Yes, she misses me terribly, but I know she digs picking things out for me... and thank goodness she's got fabu taste!
 

You're right, peeps.  I had a think on this last night and realized I hadn't been as supportive as I should have-i.e. I offered no suggestions for the Mom thing.

Unfortunately I don't have too many.  My own Mom pretty much can't wait to see me go-she's never been what we would call "the maternal type".  Further evidence of this may be provided by her sudden move to Atlanta with her alcoholic boyfriend while I am pregnant, and her insistence on coming here to visit after the baby is born-RIGHT after the baby is born, while I am still in the hospital so she doesn't have to actually be helpful or really do anything but visit for a half hour or so but can still get credit for coming.
But I digress.

I think the webcam idea is an excellent one.  Also, since some US DVDs will play on UK computers, I wonder if you wouldn't be able to record whole movies for her to see?
How often will she be able to visit? 

And get some nice paper to write lots of letters-I love getting letters.  Phone calls are great, and you should make a lot of them too, but the time it takes for someone to sit down and write-makes me feel special.  And you can keep a letter, and read it over and over.

Saf,

With respect, I have a hard time listening to your reiterations of how people should become activists if they don't like things the way they are. I notice how easily it seems to be tripping off your lips and from your keyboard, and I say: Isn't that just a little too easy? On another board, I put a lot of thought and time into explaining to you, in what I thought was a reasonable and respectful way, why this is a big deal and that the Republicans are indeed hostile to the rights of gays and lesbians. The reason I did so is because I know you are intelligent and I was hoping you would not simply dismiss me as another bleeding heart liberal. There are consequences to these policies.

Anyway, there are several points on which your underlying premise is off.

Immigration policy in the US is, as a matter of federal and constitutional law, in the exclusive hands of the federal government, all three branches of which are in the control of the Republican party, unless I missed something this week.

It is not realistic to think or suggest that LuckyNicky, just one guy in SF, can do anything to influence the US Justice Department's views on whether gay people should be able to sponsor their partners for residency visas. There have been a number of attempts to introduce such legislation and they have been shot down repeatedly by the Republican members of Congress.

With respect, it seems rather cynical and just a little mean for people  to keep saying that he or I or anyone else should just become an activist. Do you have the leisure time and finances to become an activist about the things regarding which you feel passionate? If so, you are to be envied. Most of us have to work pretty hard for a living, and usually feel like we are just about treading water in the day-to-day. I gave a good bit of my own hard earned money to the Democratic party. I also try to influence opinion by talking to other people. This is one example of that. That is just about all I can personally manage at this point. Maybe I'll win the lottery someday.

In any event, whether or not LuckyNicky is "legally" married or not, he has not a snowball's chance in hell of getting a partner visa for his partner in the US. This is due to the hostility of the Republican party to gays and lesbians.

None of this is meant disrespectfully. I am trying my darndest and I hope it shows...