Suggestions to Help a Fear of Flying?

Over the past 4 or 5 years my BF has developed a severe fear of flying.  It's to the point now where he can't even consider it.  The last time he bought a plane ticket was 2 years ago and he just didn't get on the plane.  It manifests itself in panic attacks that start the night, or even the week before he's meant to fly.  He used to go to his GP to get a prescription to calm him down before a flight, but it's just beyond that now.

He keeps saying how much he wants to go to the States to meet my friends and family, but obviously we can't spend that kind of money if he's not going to get on the plane or freak everyone else out that's travelling on it (his sister told me that it was not good the last time she was on a flight with him). 

We've been talking about it on and off recently.  He went to a hypnotherapist a few times but he says that made it worse, but he also stopped going halfway through, so that probably didn't help matters.

Has anyone else had this problem or dealt with a family member who has?  I'm thinking he should go and try to talk to someone about it again, maybe just to try to get some coping skills.  He doesn't have to love flying, I know I don't, but he just has to be able to do it.  Medication probably isn't going to work since he's done that, and it's not really confronting the root of the problem anyway. 

Okay, that was a ramble. Thanks in advance!

Ohhh, that's tough. My family has, well, the nice way of saying it is "anxiety issues", so, while I don't have the debilitating fear of flying your BF does, I can relate a bit.
Has he thought about going on a course of medication? Not a one off, just take when I'm nervous type thing (which your body can overwhelm and then ignore) but something that addresses anxiety in general on a daily basis for a bit before he tries to get on the plane? My sister had success with zoloft (sertraline?) for her panic attacks because her psychiatrist put her on a mild daily dose that helped stall the panic attack before they could get started. I think you're right that he hasn't addressed the problem with it yet, and the combination of mild drug therapy and talking therapy might be the ticket.  After two years with the zoloft, my sis is off it completely! And while she still gets anxious, she's been able to "retrain" her brain to react in productive ways instead of shutting down.  (she used to hyperventilate and pass out. I just broke out in hives; we're a fun family. ).
Good luck; I'm sure it's hard on you as well!

My fear of flying started a few years ago and developed rapidly to become sobbing hysterical panic attacks while on the plane and an intense sense of dread whenever I knew I had a flight coming up....

I don't think my fear is as bad as your BF's because I would still fly anyway!

I can tell you what has worked wonders for me....a forum online called www.getonthatplane.com with pilots and other people who are struggling with the same issues....

Also, Virgin Atlantic has a program called "Flying without fear" where I believe for £100 you can go on an intensive course (10 hrs? maybe more?) with therapists and pilots and flight stewards who go over EVERYTHING with you and talk out your fears - then you have a 30 minute flight with every sound and bump explained as the pilot takes off/lands.

It's something I'm interested in doing eventually, but I subscribe to their e-newsletter that contains articles on turbulence and other common fears.

The thing that has absolutely worked the best for me - so much so that I no longer dread flying - is alprazolam (Xanax).

I take it the night before my flight, and again a few hours before my flight. I have to be calm and in a relaxed state before I take it - if I am already wound-up with the fear it isn't as effective. There are a few downsides to it - like I cannot drive myself to the airport anymore, and its best to have someone with me. Also, I usually don't remember anything that happened after the alprazolam has taken effect. For instance, the last time I was unsupervised and flew from Manchester to the US I bought a handbag and when I showed up in the US my husband said "where did you get that?" and I had NO IDEA (clearly it lowers inhibitions like "you really shouldn't spend money on that nice Radley handbag no matter how much you like it")!!

It does make me *very* sleepy (I am essentially unconscious for most of the 9 hr transatlantic flight!) but that's ok by me.

I wish your BF the best of luck - letting a fear of flying get in the way of your life is no fun! If he is interested in trying out "better living through pharmacology" he should talk to his GP about it and hopefully he will be making that trip to the US soon!

My husband had issues with flying, driving, trains, etc, due to severe anxiety.
Starting about the time he was 19, he developed severe panic attacks whenever he was in a situation he couldn't control-he couldn't fly the plane, a train could be late, he couldn't drive. He would walk 1.5 hours somewhere before taking the bus.

He went to a psychologist once a week for about a year working on control issues. He spent a lot of time working on knowing what his specific triggers were and working on them, while learning about breathing therapy. He says that meeting me helped him get over his flying fear, since it was necessary to our relationship (the first flight since he developed the anxiety was a 9hr long one to see me).

That being said, he still gets anxious on flights. To help, he plans when we are going, what flight we are taking how we are getting to the airport (to feel in control). We stay at a hotel right outside the terminal the night before when flying to the states, since we usually leave in the morning. We try to go to sleep early so he doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about it the night before. He is uncomfortable with the idea of medication, so usually we just have a big glass of wine to relax (not that I advocate alcohol as medication!). Then we get to the terminal stupidly early for check in. I am talking 5 hours ahead of time, so he doesn't worry about missing the flight when we are waiting in a long check-in line or security. He usually gets a really bad nervous stomach, and checks the flight status 1000x, but other than that he has been getting used to it. Having a routine, and knowing what is going to happen really, really helps.

I had anxiety attacks that stemmed from a lyme's disease medication. Since mine were temporary and I knew they were caused by something exterior, I was able to get over them using breathing techniques and EFT tapping. EFT really helped my little sister, who developed anxiety when she was 9, and my mom didn't want her on medication.

I really like Reinadeluz's "Flying without fear" suggestion. I would still say that regular therapy should be done at the same time, since your BF's issues are probably more anxiety than flying related.

Being in an international relationship, not flying is not an option, so I think your BF should try regular therapy and really follow though, to find out the cause of the anxiety, which will help him identify what will help (medication, hypnotherapy, breathing, EFT, etc.) him.

Thanks everyone, this is so helpful.  Of all the issues that run in my family, anxiety isn't one of them, so I just don't know where to begin with this stuff.

It's just so unfortunate because he absolutely LOVES to travel.  Europe is fine because he can take trains and ferries.  But he wants so badly to not only go to the States, but visit his Gran in Canada and see South America.

He has said that now it's to the point where it happens more so because he is afraid of the fear, if that makes sense.  It's less the flying (although that's the trigger) and more the thought of having the pre-flight panic attack that causes him to have a panic attack.  This is the difference or change between where he used to be able to get on the plane, in a bit of a state mind you, and now where he just can't do it at all.

I know he used to have some mild issues with OCD, but he dealt with it before I ever met him.  This is the only real anxiety issue that remains.  I know if he got his OCD under control, he can do this.  I'll have a talk with him again about it and see if we can't get him in to see someone.  I think the last time he flew, they gave him diazepam (?).  It could be that he wasn't in the right frame of mind to take it, or that it just didn't work for him.  Either way, hopefully we can figure out something that will work for him.

Our goal is to get there together a year from now to spend some time at my family's beach house, but I don't really care how long it takes, just as long as he doesn't have to worry about it anymore.

Diazepam (valium!) is different than Zoloft, so he may find more success with a different drug, but yes, it is DEFINITELY something he could work on successfully--and as someone who has dealt with this sort of thing, it can spiral so that other stuff starts being "touched" by the anxiety (I went from nervous about social situations to being nervous about social situations and phone calls etc...).
As with everything, it will probably be a combination of things that work and it will take time and commitment.  For me, I actually ended up on beta-blockers for the anxiety, but having a "mantra" of sorts was what gave me a breakthrough.  I started saying "that's my anxiety talking" (i.e. Get to the airport 5 hours early (not outside the realm of possibility for me) that's the anxiety talking!) by making it not "me" and by interrupting the flow of thoughts, I was able to control it MUCH better and calm myself down. I've started using other "trigger" phrases as well (I horseback ride, so a lot of them relate to that).
DH was absolutely golden with this whole issue, partially because he's a "arrive as late as possible" person, but mostly because I could trust him absolutely.  And if someone I trusted that much was acting as if it was okay to get there *only* 90 minutes early? Then it probably was!
YMMV, but it's great that he wants to work on it and that you're there to help.