A question of support

Oooo another posting

Ok this is a more serious question this time.

When I decided that I was going to marry my darling wife, I first told my brother and his girlfriend who although were completely shocked were initially supportive (at least openly).  The next person I told was my mum, basically cause I knew she could handle it and wouldn't go too nuts when I told her. She was really excellent about it all and said if it's what I wanted then she would support me completely.  Saying that she was worried that I may get hurt.

I have to tell you at this point that I was still living at home with my parents at that time and I didn't have a proper full time job.  So she would have to move into my 3 metre by 3 metre room!  Which wasn't really big enough for me, let alone two people.

Ok, back to the point, I finally told my dad and my brother.  My dad went nuts....He was concerned that he would be kicked out of his house along with all of us having more people than we were aloud sleeping under the same roof and said that he wouldn't do anything to find out whether he had a valid arguement.  So I wrote a letter to the council to asked them what our rights were and how many people were aloud to live in the house, and I got my dad to begrudgingly sign it.

After a couple of weeks we got a letter back saying that we could have up to 8 people living under the same roof and as long as they were all related in some way there would be no problem at all.

Let me say that I love my dad, but he can be the most miserable, complaining, cynical and negative person in the world at times.  He used to take every oppotunity to take little digs at us both about how much he was paying out a month for various bills, yet when we offered to pay more toward them he rejected the offers.  Elle and I just came to mutural decision that he enjoyed moaning about everything.

Whereas my mum and my sister have been nothing but supportive in every way and have taken time out of their way to help us.

Have your relatives and friends behaved in a similar way (good or bad) and have they stuck by you no matter what?

I took on 4 step-children when I married my wife plus 4 brother-in-laws and a mother-in-law plus 2 of my own children so I kinda know how it feels to be looked at with that gilded eye but I also convinced myself that it would eventually pass when they saw how happy we were together. Not to imply everyone was against it, but we did get the proverbial 1001 questions in the beginning. Now that time has passed, I've seen my convictions were right. It can get bumpy at times and there's always other peoples feelings to be considered, but at the end of the day those close to you go through stages, the last being acceptance. The ones you most closely identify with are the ones who's opinions will mean the most........thats my take on it anyway

This is a good topic I think.    

My fiance and I met online as many people have on this forum.   When I first came over to meet him  my friends thought I was completely nuts but thought that it was just a passing thing and that it would fizzle out.  As our visits increased they began to realize how serious it all was.   When I went back to New York  in August of 2002 from Dubai (that's whole different can of worms because they thought I was nuts going to the middleast) Dave and I were in engaged and I announced that I was moving to England.   Funny enough I met little resistance from my family, I don't think they were exactly happy for me but at the same point they know that I will do what I want to do and there was really no stopping me.   My friends however really surprised me and were less then happy for my decision.   I heard everything from Why can't you find a guy over here to Why can't he move over to New York to It will never Last.   I think their lack of support hurt me more then it would have if it came from my family.  

I have been living over here since December of last year.  I guess that would make it about 9 months now.  As some of you may be aware my fiance is in the Royal Navy so that means I think collectively I've been by myself for about 7 months.   I found the first 3/4 months to be the lonliest months of my life.   Not only did I have to adjust to living in a new country but I had to adjust to living outside a city but I also had to adjust to living in a house and realizing that if something goes wrong I can't just call up my super I have to fix it myself and inevitably something would go wrong when Dave was away and I was left to my own devices.   I also had to get used to having children in my life as Dave has 3 kids and while they are not with me all the time I actually still see them even when he's not around.   I could list everything that was new and an adjustment to me but it would go on for a long time and you've probably already heard them from others.  At first I thought I could talk to my friends back in New York about it, however I found that I was really wrong about that. Instead of encouragement I received, Why don't you come home?  or You can always change your mind.   Obviously that's not exactly what I wanted to hear because there were many nights when I would sit here and say is it all worth it?  Because of this I have not talked to my family about this as I feel I would more then likely receive the same response. But then there were times when Dave would come home and/or call and all was right with my world.   I would be able to talk to him in person we would have fun whether it was just going for a walk or taking in a show in London.   Those times make me realize that I've made the right decision.... That this is what life will feel like when he is on shore duty. I don't feel like I really have any support, some days are better then others.  I am able to talk to Dave more often then I see him and I feel like those phone calls shouldn't be dampered with my complaints and lonliness of living here.   He is aware of all these feelings I have but yet because of his job he is unable to help me deal with a lot of the feelings I have.   He feels bad enough that he can't be here to help me or even just to be with me.    

In the end I look back and I still think I made the right decision no matter how rocky of a road it has been.  Would I change some things?  I probably would if I could but I often think would my life be any better if I had stayed in New York until he got off his current ship and back to shore duty?  I think it would probably be worse as I would not be able to talk to him as often as I do and probably see him even less then I do now.  

Day by day things are getting better for me.  I have started to make friends here and with each passing moment I'm coming to enjoy life in England.   I feel saddened by the lack of support from my friends and family but in the end I feel comforted in knowing that I made the right decision in moving here to be with the love of my life.

I met my husband online too, we were in email/chatroom contact for a few weeks, then by telephone for a couple of weeks, then he came over here to meet me. At this stage I did not tell any of my family although most of my friends knew. When I finally went to meet up with him at our designated spot, several of my friends insisted on calling and texting me to make sure I had not been murdered by this mad and possibly psychotic American guy ("he must be mad, why else would he come all that way just to meet you?" and "don't all Americans have guns?") !! Still, nice to know they cared.

2 months later, on New Years Eve, we got engaged in California. I immediately rang my best friend to tell her. Her reaction: "You dork!"

I told my parents at Xmas that I had met someone. My mum just wanted to know (as usual) if he is rich whilst my dad's sage advice was "don't let him know you like him."  My mum was highly suspicious of the fact that he had been married before and wanted to know what had happened to his first wife (totally ignoring the fact that I too had been married before). The next time Stu was over here they didn't even want to meet him.

Anyway eventually they met him when he moved over here in May and now they adore him, in fact I think my mum wishes she had met him first!  My dad, who never likes anyone, actually got on the phone the day after he met him and asked us over for dinner. My best friend has since come round too, in fact all my friends and family love him to bits, although my Grandma just wants to know if he is going to take me to live "over there".

Just to follow up, I have met my mother-in-law and she's ok and had nothing bad to say about me.  I was told that she said *You know nothing about him!* when Elle told her that she was getting married.

I've never met my father-in-law, although he was invited to our wedding in the states, he had better things to do.  In fact he's stopped all contact with Elle completely, not that it was *quality* contact initially.  He's never even wanted to say word one to me, write to me, get to know the person who's married his daughter.  I know that if I had a daughter getting married *he would* definitely meet me!  Neither of us are sure exactly what Elle's done to deserve being abandoned from even the decensy of a basic phone call.  Personally, I don't care that I haven't met him, and don't care if I don't at all.

I guess there's just different views on what support can mean.  To me, no it's not financial, it's just knowing that you have people who like you for you and you can rely upon them to at least listen to you

"I was told that she said *You know nothing about him!* when Elle told her that she was getting married."

That must be just compulsory 'mother speak' because my mum said exactly the same ... til I reminded her she'd married my dad after knowing him for less than 6 months.

Both my mother and Phil's parents have been nothing but understanding and supporting.  Of course, we'd technically known each other since 1985, so in some way I think it was more a matter of "It's about time"!!  

Don't feel bad Nefandous, my mother-in-law never bothered to show for our wedding. Said she was afraid of flights...Which is utter B.S, since she's been on international business trips w/ her husband!

My husband & his father, to say the least, were quite embarrassed and upset w/ her. Husband has not forgiven her for that.

His dad, sis and grandma are great... I met his mom once (5 yrs. ago), and she's as cold as a fish. My husbands relationship with his mom is awful, and has always been this way. Even his grandma (dads mom) hates her!-ha
Has to walk on egg shells whenever he goes home to Germany to visit. For now they are'nt on speaking terms,but who cares...she's toxic anyway.
I've tried to be supportive and will be willing to visit her again, but refuse to sleep at her home after the cold reception she's given me.
She does'nt even recognise our marriage...I think because I'm an American. She's a bitter old woman...so sad really...for my hubby.

Makes my family look like saints...

.....She does'nt even recognise our marriage...I think because I'm an American. She's a bitter old woman...so sad really...for my hubby.

Makes my family look like saints...

she sounds like not a nice person to be around, that's got to be an extremely volitile situation really.  Not sure how she can justify not recognising the marriage if you have a piece of paper saying it exists and the fact that England (if you live here) recognises it and honours it.

Also I know what you mean about the other family making mine look like saints.  Although recently I don't know which are the saints and which are in the other camp....

"I was told that she said *You know nothing about him!* when Elle told her that she was getting married."

That must be just compulsory 'mother speak' because my mum said exactly the same ... til I reminded her she'd married my dad after knowing him for less than 6 months.

Of course you can take it to the other extreme like my brother did.  He's been engaged to his girlfriend for about 14 years and has been living with her for at least 10 now! Is it better to wait for that long? sometimes you have to decide what you want and you have to put the whole of yourself into it and make it work for better or worse.

Lol, called my Mom to tell her I was getting married to David.  She said "Good!".  LOL!  

I love my family hehe.

David's bi-yatch sister on the other hand....

Well he hates her.  And I'd rather not see her again, tho I'd go through it if it meant Ivy'd get to see her grandchildren more than once a year or so.  

Grrr grrr grrrrrrrrrrr....

Mind you, she tried to tell me how glad she was that David was marring me etc, and how she'd encouraged it....We'd gotten engaged before she even knew I was in the country.  And it turns out that after meeting me she tried to talk David out of it.  Oh how I can't stand that chit.


wench

Lol, called my Mom to tell her I was getting married to David.  She said "Good!".  LOL!  

I love my family hehe.

lol that sounds like my mum too... she was delighted with her new daughter-in-law when she met her, although she didn't know it was going to be her daughter in law.  Well let me change that a little, after the initial shock of *You're getting married?* She was very happy lol

David's bi-yatch sister on the other hand....

Well he hates her.  And I'd rather not see her again, tho I'd go through it if it meant Ivy'd get to see her grandchildren more than once a year or so.  

Grrr grrr grrrrrrrrrrr....

Mind you, she tried to tell me how glad she was that David was marring me etc, and how she'd encouraged it....We'd gotten engaged before she even knew I was in the country.  And it turns out that after meeting me she tried to talk David out of it.  Oh how I can't stand that chit.


wench

I remember you telling me some of the things that your sister-in-law has done and said to you, ivy and to David.  I think what she is, is a total ***ch.  I can't believe how full of it she is to have the gall to say these things to you and lie so blatently.