Why one place or the other?

Hello there all -

I've been lurking around here periodically, getting insight and laughing lots.  I am not sure if this has been posted before, but I thought I'd take a chance and ask an honest question...

What was it that made any of you decide to move to either the US or the UK?  Was it something that was just decided from the outset?  Obvious life circumstances (i.e. one of you had a business or a parent needing care and the other was relatively more mobile)?  Or was there a particular moment where you had a flash of inspiration and just knew?

My bf and I are trying to decide where to take things, in terms of geography.  It isn't a question of whether we marry, it's more like we both want the whole plan in place so we can step into it together.  We've waffled in the past few months from me moving there to him moving here, and now are back to me moving there.  I'm 10 yrs younger than he is and have lived overseas before, and am infinitely more adaptable in terms of personality.  But I have kids from a former marriage and a grandmother I love dearly who I am not sure I could leave behind or bring with me.  He has a very stable job with amazing benefits, a pension, investments, etc etc etc.  He also is one of those "lynchpin of the family" type of guys - takes care of his younger brother and keeps him out of trouble, cares for his elderly parents in gently deteriorating health.  He would also have one helluva time trying to get himself established, let alone acclimated over in the States.

Don't laugh too hard, but my friend actually dragged me to a psychic for my birthday so I could ask him about this!  Guess that was her subtle way of telling me I need to make up my freaking mind so I can plan.  

I realize it's a lot to ask, and that there are no simple answers.  But you all strike me as an intelligent and honest lot, and any insight you can provide me would be helpful.   [smiley=thumbsup.gif]

Thanks!

I think you may have actually made up your mind already; at least I see a definite bend in what you're saying.

A couple of small hitches (small is not the correct term here) in that you have family to consider. I can't begin to answer for you on these counts, but do bear in mind that kids are adaptable ("Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds") and may even find great benefit to having the experience of your living here. Your grandmother would probably be guilt-ridden if she felt you were basing your own life and happiness on her being around. (For instance, if she had passed, would your mind be more made up?)

That latter, I'll give you an better example: I lived in Florida for 20 years. I hated living in Florida, but I was one of four kids and the only one in Florida, where my mother lived. I would have moved away years ago, but that would have left my mother on her own. Then the circumstance came and I made the decision to move to England. Know what my mother did? She moved too. Turns out she hated living in Florida but didn't want to move because she felt she would leave me behind. Now she's in Virginia and has never looked back.

It's certainly not an easy choice, but like I said, reads like you have made the decision.

I too was more adaptable. That plus my daughter really wanted the experience of living in England. My job was ending because we were purchased by another company and I *knew* (ha-ha- I laugh at that)  [smiley=worried2.gif] that my field of expertise was more adaptable than my spouses would have been in the states. After weighing all of the pro’s and con’s I made the decision to move here.
Good luck with what ever your decision is!
Melissa

Hubby and I decided it would be better for us to live in the UK for a couple yrs and then see about a possible move to the UK. Less hoops to jump thru to move here. Hubby has a good job and was more settled than I was in the states. But now that we've bought a house and I'm looking for a job he decides he wants to move to the US sooner rather than later.  
I wish you luck w/ your decision.

 Hiya CAGrrl,

 I feel every person's case is different,and you have to decide what is best for YOU.

 From the way you talk,it might be an idea for you to move to the UK for awhile,and see how it goes.......

 Then go from there,as in the end its up to only you two isnt it.

  Whatever you decide,then I wish nothing but the best for you both

                         Rhia

Ditto to what everyone else said - and a huge GOOD LUCK to you, it's a big decision but it sounds like you're going at it in all the right ways.

As for us, I moved to the UK for 2 main reasons:
Immigration was easier
He had a better job and made a lot more money than I did.

CAgrrl  I to am from CA. I lived in Silicon Valley near San Francisco.  We chose for me to move to the UK because my fiance is more established then me. Both or kids are grown and on there on but he owns his home and is well established in a good job. Besides it was an opportunity for me to travel and see the world.

He says that he might could move later if we both decide that is what we want. I figure as long as he is open to a change then why not give the UK a chance. Like he said i might really like it and not want to move back to the US. Just nice to know that option is open for further discussion later.  

I have found though it has been an adjustment that as long as I am open and not rigid in my thinking I can find alot to enjoy in the new experiences and adjustment is easier.  That's my two cents for what it is worth.    Good luck in your decision.

   Life in another country isnt all sunshine and roses.    It doesnt really matter which country one lives in, its what you want to make of it.

  You can look forward to it as another adventure in life, or keep looking back at what you had and regretting every minute of it.

  Life is too short to keep looking back, you can always start again and no matter how many knocks and how much bad luck you may have at any stage in life things usually come back to an even keel if you persevere.

   If you do decide to go to the UK i wish you the best of luck, and hope that its everything that you desire.

Thanks, everyone, for the input.  I'm normally a very decisive person, and the fact that I'm not able to make a decision in this case is what's worrisome to me.  It's a huge decision, and it needs much consideration... but the thing is, normally I have a strong gut feeling either way.  

LisaE is right, I may have had my mind mostly made up, but there's a corner of my heart that is not completely decided yet.  My gut has to say yes, no matter what the head says, or else it isn't happening.  You're right about my grandmother (who is really like my mother in many ways) not wanting to hold me back... my sweetheart and his parents are suggesting we convince her to move once we're settled in.  Nice fantasy, but given the logistics of the thing, I'm wondering if it would happen.

I'm going to have to get that book on 3rd culture kids... it sounds like a good one.  

My longest stay in England (aside from visiting bf) was on the unpleasant side, but it was in another part of the country (Sussex, not Yorkshire) and long ago, when I was much younger, brasher, and thought the world owed me something.    My visits since have been wonderful.  He's put in for leave to stay with me this spring, in the interest of giving it a go here in the States for a bit.  However, he is frank in saying that if I decided that I'd be willing to move to the UK, he'd cancel his leave and start shopping for a house in earnest.  LA is too big, too trafficky, just too much for him - which I think is making me also think we could try it here in the States, just in another city.  But the logistics of sharing custody of my kids, etc, etc when I'm living a thousand miles away is similar to the logistics of eight thousand miles... minus passports...

waffle waffle waffle

I'm not naive enough to think that a decision this big is going to be one where you know for certain it's completely right... I'm always going to have regrets on one side or another.  But the thing that gives me hope towards a good outcome either way is that the one thing I'm absolutely certain about is him.    That's a start, right?  

It's always a good start to have the right mate.  

I'd thought I'd put in my two cents worth on the other side of the Atlantic.  When we discussed marriage I asked my husband where he wanted to live. I have been all over the place and really did not mind one way or the other. In both places we had homes that were paid for. (His came with an eccentric father.)

My husband decided that he wanted to live here.  We honestly felt that we would have a better quality of life in the USA.  

So we embarked upon the hell that is US immigration, got a fiance visa and 5 1/2 months later had a civil service in Florida.  Three months later we had our interview (it can take much longer) and got his green card.  We are now waiting for the conditions to be removed so he can be a permanent resident and then apply for citizenship.

At the end of this story is the hard part. . . realizing we might have made the wrong choice....

Here in the USA we have a decent quality of life.  We earn money and until I quit my job, both of us were working so hard we never saw each other.  Now it's just him.

We have yet to take more than a long weekend for a vacation and my husband is still working 10 hour days with a two hour plus Atlanta commute.  LA is similar I know.

We have begun to realize that there is more to what we want in life than money and work.

My husband is happy just being with me, though the transition to life in the USA was just as awful and hard as it could be.  He hated it.  He hated the traffic, the long hours, the lack of anything real in suburbia, hated not palying cricket and soccer, hated not being with his family, hated not having the moors near, hated not knowing anything, hated feeling like a 34 year old baby that depended on his wife to help him with things he had always been able to do.  

Point is no matter where you are or where you decide to go one spouse will always go through loss.  It is hard to move and leave everything you have known.


Either way there is no perfect answer.  You just have to take the leap and try.  Go with your gut.  Give it a good shot and if it does not work out you can move again.

It's like moving anywhere.  There are always things you miss and things you could do without.

Good Luck whatever you do.

Well here is another 2 cents worth CA Girl!  

I'm also from Cali...raised and lived in L.A. for 22 years, then in San Diego for the last 15 years. Until coming to London a year ago, that is!

Hubby and I made the decision for me to come here, mostly due to immigration issues and also the fact that I had just quit my job. While I do love him more than anything on earth, it has been a tough go.

Funnily enough, vnicepeeps talks about the quality of their life in the US and not ever seeing each other due to work...and that is exactly what we're going through here. Hubby's working two jobs and 18 hours a day (sometimes more!!!) just so we can afford life in London. It is so insanely expensive here that we know we'll never ever be able to afford property and are just eeking out the (converting to USD) $2200 plus $300 council tax per month on rent!  

We just got back from a trip home and no one could believe that it was actually cheaper to buy a home in Southern California than here! We are now seriously contemplating a move back just so we can have a life and actually see each other sometimes. Well, that and it really hit home for me how much I miss my family, friends and mexican food!  

I know you won't be in London though, so hopefully that won't be the case for you. I guess it is just different for everyone depending on both what part of the UK you are considering as well as what part of the US you're used to.

There are so many issues to consider...go with your heart, try to remain flexible and keep your love for each other first and foremost when challenges arise! And they will...no matter where you live!  

I agree 100%...you can not see each other no matter where you are.  You just have to find a way and a place out of it.  There are places in the UK and the USA that afford the lifestyle you want...it's just a matter of finding them.  

It's like living in NYC or LA ..and even the ATL ..you have to pay more to live in certain places and not commute forever.

It's okay if you don't have kids.....but when you have kids (we are planning) and no one is home for them....it gets harder to live the corporate life.

In my previous job I saw the effects of parents not being home enough and it did not matter if they were dirt poor or rich.  It's just something that bothers me immensely.

Well he just got back to the UK in one piece - in the middle of an Orange security alert - no, not worried, who me?  Being stopped and interrogated for almost 3 hrs by customs coming into the US (they thought he didn't have enough luggage I guess [smiley=furious.gif]) made him decide he absolutely positively does not want to live over here.  

Upshot is that he's coming for a shorter vacation in March, but we've made our decision... if we're going to be together, it's going to have to be in the UK.  As he put it, he feels too "Red Queen" in LA - running and running just to stand still.  He'd been here two days before I finally took pity on him and took him round a couple of Brit shops in Santa Monica so he could hear familiar accents, see familiar food, see that there are actually shops in LA that close at 5:30 and open at 10 with snotty clerks behind the counter to make him feel at home...  

I'm talking to an attorney next week about the mechanics of sharing custody in a situation like ours.  Hopefully she'll have good news for me, but I'm not betting the farm on it.  I actually talked to my ex about this a bit and he seems, at this point, to actually be willing to negotiate with me about who pays for the travel, who chaperones, how frequently and all that.  I think he's afraid I'll try and take the kids with me and leave him with no visitation whatsoever... not likely if he plays nicely. He's actually a really good dad to the kids, and I'm just not that selfish.

I've been looking at the jobs listings online for the area - egads. [smiley=stunned.gif]  It's actually looking good in terms of quantity, but the pay isn't fabulous.  I'm wondering how much of my job experience is going to translate - I have a while to prepare yet, so any suggestions on this front are welcome, too.    

You've all been wonderful sharing your experiences here.  [smiley=thumbsup.gif] I was placing Mick and myself in each of them and that really helped me make up my mind.  I don't need much in terms of money or things but I do need happiness and love - and he has this miraculous ability to make everything seem like it will be OK.  I thought I'd lost my passport last time I was over, and I still wasn't panicking to the degree I thought I'd might because he was in it with me.  Makes a huge difference and I hope that will translate when it comes to making the move...

Now do we rent or buy?