Another kid/custody question...

My DD's father left, never to be seen nor heard from again, a few days after her first birthday. She's 8.5 now. We have no idea where he lives or how to contact him.

My husband intends to adopt her, and we were about to start proceedings in the state we just left, but then we had to move... and where we moved was back to the state she born in, and he's *somewhere* around here.

My biggest fear in seeking official custody was that some local do-gooder judge would give her "father" rights to see her, even though he abandoned us totally so many years ago. It's a reality, as the judge locally who handles most custody cases had a really bad judgement against him, so he tends to side with the father unless you can prove abuse... and he doesn't consider abandonment abuse.

Anyway, I say all that to say... there's no way to get a notarized letter allowing her to leave the country, and I'm scared to go to court while we still live in this state (we'd have to put ads in all the major papers in the state looking for him if I sought a custody change or DH tried to adopt).

Does ANYONE know of cases where they'll approve a visa for her without her "father's" consent? I think I'd be able to explain it to get her passport - especially since the primary reason (at the moment, since we still don't have a job offer in the UK) for getting a passport would be to cross the Canadian border from time to time when we visit DH's family, who lives in Niagra. But the visa is a stickier situation.

Any hope? Or am I just gonna have to bite the bullet and hope that we get a different judge and that my ex doesn't seek custody/visitation/blocking her leaving the country? (I'm so kicking myself for not getting this handled before we moved out of our last state...)

I can only tell you what happened to me. My twin's father left when they were 18 months old. Because he had never contacted them or sent any child support, I was able to have his parental rights terminated. He was living in the next state, so we had to put our legal notice in his local paper. Since he made no reply to the legal notice the judge made the decision in our favor. It was over in a matter of weeks, and now, the father has no legal backing for any action whatsoever. I wouldn't think you'd be able to get the passport otherwise, but I'll leave that to someone who may know what they are talking about. Good luck, wannabe. Hope everything works out.

Absolutely.  Unless you have parental rights terminated or get a custody order, you have to get permission.  If you can't find him that is one thing, but you are going to have to show that you looked (or that the courts did).

Bite the bullet.  It's the only way.


Vicky