Involving the In-Laws?

Okay, I've been trying to find answers to this everywhere, but most of the traditional wedding planning boards haven't been helpful in this regard--no fault of their own, it's just not everyone understands all that's involved in trying to orchestrate a transatlantic wedding!

So FH is going to tell the future in-laws this week that the wedding will be in the US (it's August of next year). Up until that point, they'd been operating under the assumption that whenever it *did* happen, it would be in the UK (as the last time he talked with his family about marrying me someday, I was over there on a student visa and planning to stay and get my doctorate, so the whole student-to-spousal thing made sense at the time. I chose not to continue my studies for various reasons, so now we're planning the 'marry here, live there' thing). I'm not sure how they're going to take the news. I have a good thing going with the in-laws so far, so all I can really do is take it as it comes. An English wedding isn't an option for a lot of reasons, mainly that my parents would be heartbroken (and weddings are family reunions as well in my family, which is why they're footing the entire bill) and to be honest, I'd like it to be here myself, and FH says that it's only fair that my family gives me a proper sendoff. FH is totally supportive of this. I just hope they take it well.

Anyway, on to my actual question. While my parents are paying for the wedding (I'm an only child and they've been saving for this for a while) I'd like to involve FMIL in the planning somehow. This is difficult because she isn't comfortable using the internet at all, and the combination of the time difference + my being a grad student and holding down two part time jobs makes it impossible for me to find a time to call her that works for both of us. I'm planning to ask FSIL to be maid-of-honor, so that's something, but I guess I just want to make sure FMIL doesn't feel left out. FH doesn't live with his family, so it's not like she could sit in on a Skype conversation or something. Any ideas? What have you all done? My parents are kind of confused as to why I'd want to do this since "you're the bride, after all, and she's not paying for anything" but I feel like it would at least be a gracious thing to do. My mother has already sent her a card and plans to call her to tell her about the venue and things like that when we book it, but I'm afraid that's just going to make her feel like everything's being done while she gets left in the dust.

Could you ask her for pics of your df to display at the wedding? (maybe have a table with some of him/you growing up/when you first met, etc)

Take pics of what you are planning and send them to her. Maybe show her a few options you are considering and listen to her ideas?

We were thinking of doing a "baby pictures" type thing near the guestbook anyway--one of the weddings I've been to did it and it was a really neat idea, but it totally slipped my mind until you mentioned that, so thanks!!

this is a hard one- I'm having some of the same issues with my mother (even despite her reservations about the wedding in the first place!)  What I found out is that while she doesn't necessarily want to be involved in the planning, she really appreciates being kept in the loop, even from 5,000 miles away.  She also likes me to ask advice/input before I make a hugely major decision such as date/location...doing this makes for a much less cranky mother later on, hehe. 

I know the dynamics are different for you and your FMIL, but when you do get a chance to talk to her, why don't you just ask how she wants to be involved?

You might be surprised....
My DF's parents have been great during the process.  We were worried about telling them it was in the US (not even Boston where I am from, but Napa Valley), but they have all been wonderful.  His 80 year old grandparents are getting passports and everything.  If you and your fiance approach the venue as an adventure/holiday for the UK people, I am sure everyone will be excited.  Don't apologize for it....that will only make them dwell on it not being in England.

As for planning, I think most groom's parents sort of accept that it's not really their party (Especially if Bride's family is paying for it).  I am sure your FMIL will appreceate anything you do to make her involved.  If you don't have the time to call her, what about sending her little notes with pictures of the flowers/bridesmaids dresses/cake styles you like.  Then she and FSIL can feel like they know what's going on here. 

What about asking her for recommendations on places to have a gift list in the UK.  She'll be able to tell you which shops her friends and family will have access to and feel comfortable buying a gift from.

Good luck!

I agree with sending pics - I emailed my FMIL photos of my dress (you can snail mail them) so that she knew about something even my FH didn't.

We had a Catholic ceremony, in which there was a candle lighting ceremony which the mothers were involved in.  We asked FH's dad to do a reading.  We introduced everyone into the reception (totally not an English thing to do, they were so surprised!), and DH and MIL had a mother-son dance.

To be honest, the English weddings I've been to have been much more about the couple than about including family.  I guess it's just helpful if you keep her informed of what's going on so that she doesn't feel left out.