Have you changed?

After reading the other replies, I have had this question.  Do you think it's harder moving here to join a UK spouse?  What I mean is, DH and I (and DS) moved here together - we were both new the country and had to figure out everything together, hence, we were both equally dumbfounded and confused together.  Yes, we had different experiences because he was on a steep learning curve at work while I was on a steep learning curve on the home front, but we could at least commiserate and laugh at ourselves at night, cry together, and complain about things w/o offending anyone.  We also had the knowledge that it wasn't a permanent move, that we would move back to the US (or elsewhere) in a few years, and could move back immediately if we really hated it.  

A person who moved here to join a UK spouse maybe doesn't have that kind of experience - the UK partner maybe can't understand exactly what the US partner is feeling and going through, and the US partner doesn't want to complain and kvetch too much so as to not offend the UK partner.  Those of you in US/UK partnerships, what do you think?

After reading the other replies, I have had this question.  Do you think it's harder moving here to join a UK spouse?  What I mean is, DH and I (and DS) moved here together - we were both new the country and had to figure out everything together, hence, we were both equally dumbfounded and confused together.  Yes, we had different experiences because he was on a steep learning curve at work while I was on a steep learning curve on the home front, but we could at least commiserate and laugh at ourselves at night, cry together, and complain about things w/o offending anyone.  We also had the knowledge that it wasn't a permanent move, that we would move back to the US (or elsewhere) in a few years, and could move back immediately if we really hated it.  

A person who moved here to join a UK spouse maybe doesn't have that kind of experience - the UK partner maybe can't understand exactly what the US partner is feeling and going through, and the US partner doesn't want to complain and kvetch too much so as to not offend the UK partner.  Those of you in US/UK partnerships, what do you think?

That's an interesting question.. I'm not sure really.  Moving there with an American spouse may be similar to being on this board, in that (as you stated) you're both going through the same things together and are more able to sit back and laugh or cry about it.  You understand each others' struggles and mishaps and all of the adventure an international move brings.  On the other hand, it could pose just as many problems.. especially if one of you adjusts overly well while the other continues to struggle to adapt.

With Sean and I, I know I take more offense at having my country or customs critisized than he does.  When I say something about England is backwards or twisted or odd, he often agrees or at least is able to remove himself from it not being a personal criticism.

Anyway, I've gone a bit off-topic    but I do wonder why some people adjust so painlessly and quickly while others never fully become accustomed to life in a new country.  Some people move to the UK and lose so many of their past traditions and "American'ness" while others have stated that they feel even more patriotic toward the U.S. and make an extra effort to retain that.  

I'm really just rambling now..  [smiley=stop.gif]

I have a UK spouse and you are pretty much on the money when you say that we don't want to whine and moan and complain too much, so as not to give offense.  I try to compliment the country as much as complain about it, and there ARE plenty of things to compliment it about. It is handy having hubby there to ask questions of - I'm forever asking "What's that?", "What did he say?" "How does that work?" A complete pest, I'm sure. With an American spouse you wouldn't have this font of information, but you would have someone to commiserate with.

My hubby is a sweetheart and is way ahead of most guys in social development, but I moved here to HIS flat in HIS city in HIS country with HIS family and HIS friends, so he hasn't had to make many adjustments at all, other than having another person to share the cooking and cleaning....and occasionally steal the covers.  I feel that he really has no idea what I've been going through and the other day I told him he needed to develop a little more empathy.  

It's amazing how a change like this can completely throw you. I, too, have had that persistent insecurity and tendency to cocoon. How do people who move to Brazil or China or someplace where the culture, language, and social structure is COMPLETELY different, do it?  Kudos to them.

Something that really bothered me was the anti-American sentiment on TV and in the papers. But, my hubby and his brother said that they do that to EVERYONE - French, Germans, etc. They aren't really anti-American, they just LOVE a good debate. And what better subject than American politics?  Since finding that out, I feel better about being here.

I think one thing that makes the adjustment more difficult is the reality being so different from the preconceived image. The stereotype of British people is of being very proper and polite and reserved - the man in the bowler hat with a walking stick. But Brits aren't really anything like that, are they?  My mouth has dropped open at the yellow journalism, inflamatory and vitriolic interviews, and the interaction in the House of Commons! Eek, no polite reserve there!

Have I changed? Sometimes I think I change every day, and sometimes I think I haven't changed since finger painting in first grade.  Since coming here, maybe it's still too early to tell. But one thing is for sure, it's definitely a growth experience. One day I love it here, the next day not so much.  I think I'll adjust okay, though. Time will tell.

I can't really say that I have changed due to moving to the UK as I am still not there yet.  I do have no doubt that I will change just as I have changed over then many moves in my life. I find that each new place you go you take a small piece of it with you when you go.
I do find myself toning down my voice a little and drinking even more tea than we do now.

I think that living in many nations and travelling has taught me not to take people for granted and to tell people I love them. I bond quicker to people -meaning I don't have to know you for years before opening up certain things about myself.
It's taught me tolerance and that not knowing how to use a washing machine is annoying, but surmountable. And not having a washing machine is better than not having water that works.  I find myself being more empathetic and kind.  I find that I don't buy the government line as easily.  I find that I appreciate so many more things in life that people take for granted.  I mean things like having electricity that does not go off randomly during the day or freedoms.
The biggest way that I changed over the years is going from a self centered person to one that can find a common ground with most people.  

I guess one advantage my husband and I will have is that he came here first so he knows what it is like. We are very open about the good and the bad in both countries. I think it helps.

One thing that is hopefully going to work well for me and husband to be is that I spent a year in England for school and during that time went through the deep depression, missing my family and feeling incompetent and having a hard time making friends.  It was the really simple things that really stressed me out and had me in tears every night - not knowing how to use the bus, where to buy groceries, how to get my computer and other electronics to work without causing a small fire, and using the trains.  Now that I have been through all those things, though it will be hard to adjust AGAIN to being away from my family, I think the second time around will be a million times easier.

Another good thing going for me is that my fiancee just recently moved to london this past autumn and he went through a really hard time of moving to a new city with no friends or family there for support, so he had a big cry and is just now starting to get settled.  When I arrive the first order of business is to find a new flat together.  This will be an important process for us.  Then we get to start exploring the city together because he doesn't know very much about the subtler non-touristy things to do in the city.

As for changing, my last time in England changed me dramaticly.  My politics made a massive shift, which has had a big impact on my life and what I want to do with it.  As for this move, I think the biggest change will be in my relationship with my soon to be husband because our relationship will change dramaticlly because we have never established a household together, managed finances together and settled into a real routine together.  I know this will make us stronger partners in a much deeper way than we are now.

I think you're right on the money too, Stephanie.

I've got a couple of US friends who have moved here with their US husbands and their experiences here have been very different to mine.  

I know I will forever have ties to this country.  Our kids will have ties here because half of their family is here....we'll be visiting grandparents for a long time to come.  So this is far from an extended holiday or break from the US.  Even tho we will probably end up back in the US eventually, Britain and Britishness will forever be part of my life.

I'm sure that your experience will forever be with you too, but perhaps it's in a slightly different way.  You can easily turn your back on the UK and have no hard feelings.  If I decided I didn't like British things, my husband wouldn't be terribly pleased.  (Especially since he's British!)  

You don't *have* to get used to British customs and ways of doing things.  Hard as I may try, I won't ever get my husband *not* to act or behave in a very British way...not that I'd particularly want to, of course!

In some ways I think work transfer couples have it easier, because they can moan and experience the differences without offending each other.  But then again, if I hadn't had Hamish to show me how to work the oven or to explain why Graham Norton is funny, I might have seriously lost it!  

if I hadn't had Hamish to show me how to work the oven or to explain why Graham Norton is funny, I might have seriously lost it!

Hey!  When he's not tooooo outrageous, he's good fun