English Funerals: Etiquette & helping the fami

I know I've read threads (ages ago) written by Americans who have attended an English funeral and were surprised at the differences. My husband & I will be attending a funeral some time next week, and I have no idea what to do. I don't want to do something that I think is normal but everyone else thinks is inappropriate. My husband is no help on the matter, as he has not been to a funeral for anyone since he was 5 years old.

Now where I'm from (as I'm sure customs are different in different parts of the US), I'd bring food to the house of the deceased person so that the family didn't have to cook, and also because people gather there and need grazing food as they come to pay their condolences. I'd also call the local florist and have flowers delivered to the funeral home (or church) in our name. I'd also have no qualms about walking up to the casket, assuming it's open (and assuming it's on display?) to pay my respects.

Given the distance we're travelling for the funeral, I think the ffood thing would be out anyway. But what about the flowers? And what about behaviour at a funeral?

Maybe I'm being oversensitive about the differences, and maybe there aren't any significant ones and I can just "follow the crowd", but I also don't want to bother the family by asking if doing certain things are ok, as they have enough to worry about at the moment. And I swear that I remember this being brought up before, and people were surprised at the differences...

So, and English people telling me how things happen, or Americans telling me what they found to be the main differences, are highly appreciated.

I've been to a few over there Sara and with the exception of the wake theyre pretty much the same as here. The deceased are'nt normally laid out in the funeral parlor for a traditional wake where people come to pay their last respects, although immediate family will do just that. The majority of people just attend the church service and yeah, sending flowers directly to the church is most apprpriate.

l have seen the ones here in lreland but never been to one but here they have the body laid out in a casket in the home of the deceased person/or immediate family and folks come to the home to view/wake.  
After the funeral most folks walk behind the hearse to the cemetary.
l don't know if it would be the same in England.

When James' grandmother died, I wasn't sure what to do either.  I did in the end phone his Mum and offer food-she was glad of the help.  I only made brownies and zucchini bread, but weirdly it was the only home made stuff there.  I still find that kind of thing weird.  Yes, flowers would still be sent to the funeral home/crematorium. I don't think anyone went up to the coffin, which I believe is almost always closed.  And yes, we did file out after the coffin.  To me, it was a much more solemn, quick, and business like affair.  Could just be the one I went to though.  Just follow the crowd would be my advise.  

the coffin will nearly always be closed and it will probably be brought to the church from the undertakers at much the same time as everyone else arrives. Afterwards it will probably be driven off immediately to the crematorium, with close family in attendance, unless burial takes place in the attached churchyard (very unusual now).
Many people these days will specify 'no flowers, but donations to xxxxx charity'.
Not mandatory to bring food, other close family will do it if it needs to be done.
The English are (or should be) very reserved at funerals and open displays of grief will only embarrass all concerned.
Readings of favourite poems and secular music seem to be becoming more common. Given that most people have little contact with the Church in daily life now they seem to make their obsequies up empirically

Thanks everyone for your replies.

my nan-in-law passed away in October. As soon as she passed, she was laid out at a funeral parlor. My father in law and a few others came to view the body. Then a few days later on the day of the funeral, everyone gathered at her house. There were sausage rolls and other picky bits and drinks laid out. Like any other British gathering, the men sat in the lounge, smoking and drinking and watching TV and the ladies sat in the kitchen having tea and biscuits. When we got in the cars, we were taken to the crematorium. The casket was closed. The service consisted of a few hymns recited, one of the grandchildren recited a poem he had written, and then the casket was lowered. Then we all filed outside to the gardens to admire the wreaths which people had sent. We had a wreath made to look like a bingo card, which was nan's favorite. Then the cars took us to the community centre near her house for the reception. A bunch of us teamed up and prepared sandwiches. My mother in law spent days preparing chicken and other bits. I must say, it was a really nice spread with all the food, beer, and wine. So, that was my first British funeral experience. I guess its similar to making a shiva call in Judaism, where you go to the home of the deceased and food is served. But this goes on for a few days, whereas over here, the gathering is a one off. Hope this makes sense!

Well I had a really long talk with my MIL about the funeral (which is next week because... well... because), I was surprised that at graveside funerals here you watch the body being lowered into the ground and then throw dirt on it if you want to. Maybe they do this in some parts of the States, but I've never seen it in all the many funerals I've been to, we always leave before the body is lowered, even closest family. This funeral however will be entirely at the crematorium since she wasn't a part of any church really, and my MIL said it sounded a lot like a "funeral home" funeral in the States, except that the casket is on a conveyor belt and at the end you see it go behind a curtain.   Granted, I've never been to a cremation in the States so maybe it's the same way there, but I'ms truggling with the idea of seeing the casket rolling away behind a curtain. She assures me it doesn't roll directly into the fire, but that's whats in my head anyway. She said the British seem to place more importance on seeing the body/casket actually leave (ie the lowering into the ground or the rolling behind the curtain), where as far as my particular american experience is concerned, we place more importance on saying goodbye to them as much "the way they were", and then letting someone else do the dirty work so to speak. Am I making any sense? It was a 2 hour conversation that was really eye-opening and interesting, and I'm obviously not making it very clear in this post! At any rate, while the basics seem to be much similar, my MIL was surprised to hear about how all the US finerals I've been to took place. The open-casket wake the night before, even an open casket funeral, and leaving the casket behind for someone else to lower, without having earth thrown on it. Of course she also agreed that her funeral experience is almost entirely restricted to East Anglia, and that perhaps funeral customs are just as different region to region as they are country to country.

perhaps funeral customs are just as different region to region

I think you are right, Sara:  there is no set pattern or laid-down etiquette here: it varies region to region, culture to culture, class to class, generation to generation, even family to family.  The funeral directors will arrange everything according to the bereaved family's wishes, customs and practices.  I was surprised by my Lancashire family's insistence on the open coffin custom the first few family funerals I attended, having lived mostly in the South when in this country.  I wasn't surprised by the graveside coffin lowering, casting earth upon it: after all, it is symbolic of burying your dead, the last favour we can perform for our departed if we are lucky.  In the case of my BiL's Jewish father's funeral, the menfolk actually took a spade to shovel the earth into the grave in turns.  It was very moving for us, and cathartic, I think.

Now, if I were very rich, I'd like for myself a traditional New Orleans funeral, with black-plumed horses pulling a glass-panelled hearse, and mourners in courtege, and a jazz band playing that lovely old moaner "Just a closer walk with thee" on the way there, in slow-march.  Then on the way back to the funeral feast everybody hopping and skipping (and dancing like fools!) to "When the Saints"!   :'( ->   !  And life can go on ...

The first time I was at a Crematorium and the casket rolled along and disappeared behind the curtain I thought I'd freak!  I still hate the memory of it.

I have been through the same experience and found it very unsettling .....