"The Surrendered Wife" philosophy

I'm always happy to hear that people have healthy, happy partnerships!!

I know that my unhealthy marriage was a direct result of my dysfunctional childhood and relationship with my mother (along with severe abandonment issues), and I needed quite a bit of counseling to sort all of that out. It wasn't until I realized my own worth and value that I was able to walk away from almost 20 years of a dysfunctional marriage. The only thing I regret now is that I wasted so many years trying hard to change a situation that was out of my control.

One of the greatest lessons I've learned is that trust is the foundation of it all, and without it there will be certain, eventual failure. A person must feel the trust and freedom to express themselves (of course within appropriate bounds) with their mate. It's so important to be friends before anything else, because the one thing about marriage which is certain is that it will be tested over and over with trials and difficulties.

That is inspirational, jw66 - thanks for sharing!  I am very happy for you! 

I know that my unhealthy marriage was a direct result of my dysfunctional childhood and relationship with my mother (along with severe abandonment issues), and I needed quite a bit of counseling to sort all of that out. It wasn't until I realized my own worth and value that I was able to walk away from almost 20 years of a dysfunctional marriage.

In addition to being really happy for you, jw66, I wanted to quote this part separately.  I also found success through counselling recently, having had a few bad experiences with counselling before that.

One benefit I found of developing a therapeutic relationship with a good counsellor is that it can help break behaviour patterns by having someone else to "practice" new behaviours with.  Of course different professionals have different approaches, but my counsellor offered me the chance to be reparented and the chance to establish a healthy therapeutic relationship, thus learning that it's possible to trust other people after my early experiences with family had taught me people were erratic, unpredictable and unstable.  Even when I encountered people in my adult life who were of no threat to me, the defence mechanisms I developed early on kept coming up, and I kept causing damage to my relationships as a result.  I realised this, but felt powerless to change after repeated attempts to do so on my own (using only self help books and sheer willpower).

A lot of us read books and think "yeah that sounds great" and yet we are not able to put it into practice for various reasons, one of which is that we may have no one to practice with and we fall right back into the patterns established with the people in our lives which has the effect of boxing us into the way we already are.  A new relationship with a well trained and effective counsellor can make a huge difference.

And let's not forget about Mr Right Now! 

 

What Vicky said about there being a greater choice than either being surrendered or being a nagging fishwife.

I think this is all about extremes. It's like people who are alcoholics, whose only choices are to either drink way too much or else be teetotalers. It's possible to act independently and disagree with your husband without being a nag. I control the finances in my home because I happen to be good at it, and I speak my mind and tell my husband when I disagee with him, and yet I got 100 on the quiz (which I guess is supposed to mean that I completely surrendered) because I don't feel resentful or the need to be manipulative.

My eyebrows hurt from being permanently raised while catching up on this thread.  And I agree with everything Sweetpeach/Mort/Midnightblue said.

Off to take the quiz now.  I expect to come back as something between Margaret Thatcher and Boudicca!

 

edited to add:  94, great.  But those questions were ridiculous!  Anyone who scored more than 'sometimes' in a small handful must surely be in a seriously dysfunctional relationship.  And there was a column missing...where was 'Good God, of course not!  What kind of evil harridan would do that to a fella?' which is what I thought to most of them.

My opinion might be an uninformed knee jerk reaction.  And I'd read the book, I really would, but I have more important things to do with my life and I am pretty damn sure I'd be too annoyed by the end of the first chapter to continue.

I also think that Dan would call a halt to the wedding if he thought I was going to start being anything other than me. He is marrying the mouthy opinionated Vicky, not a subservient creature of a quack author.

But that's just my opinion, if it works for you, then great 

Vicky

Well, not only were the questions weird but the options were as well.  I NEVER commiserate with other women about husbands.  I NEVER fantasise about divorce and finding someone better.  Why is "rarely" the least frequent option?  I think that there is a big difference between people who rarely do most of those things and someone who never does most of those things.

And why is it that because I got a 92 it must mean I am quick to apologise and that is so notable that it is prominently featured in the analysis? Maybe I am just perfect! Or (more likely) there is more to having a relationship without resentment than submission, rigid gender roles, and women being quick to realise when they make a mistake.  Granted, humans should probably endeavour to be quick to correct their own mistakes, but I would hope that it shouldn't be more important for a woman to do so, and I hope that my husband loves me for a lot more than my willingness to see myself as fallible.

Amen, sista!


Vicky

Amen, sista!


Vicky

+1

I thought it was funny that "Are you ever exhausted?" was one of the questions - who is NEVER exhausted?  And what does that necessarily have to do with your relationship?

.  But those questions were ridiculous!  Anyone who scored more than 'sometimes' in a small handful must surely be in a seriously dysfunctional relationship.  And there was a column missing...where was 'Good God, of course not!  What kind of evil harridan would do that to a fella?' which is what I thought to most of them.

I know I was sort of "bragging" about my high score, but basically what Vicky said above was how I felt about the quiz.  It seemed the quiz was aimed at toxic people in bad relationships to start with.

I only got 100 because the option of lowest frequency was "rarely."

I agree that the quiz is aimed at toxic people in bad relationships, who need to sort themselves out as individuals before they start getting involved in relationships with other people.

Apologies for gravedigging, but... "Surrendered"?  I wasn't aware I was supposed to be at war with my wife.

speaking as a husband, I can think of nothing less appealing than my wife "surrendering" to me.  I married a strong, smart, intelligent woman with her own opinions, who makes decisions with me.

I think "Surrendered" might have been a particularly anti-feminist word-choice.  I haven't read the book or the website, just this thread but I'm guessing the OP - though possibly not the author - just meant that being right all the time isn't going to win you any brownie points.

My best friend says that the secret to her marital happiness is low expectations: she doesn't expect her husband to help wash the dishes or clean the house or cook or do laundry or anything like that - then if he doesn't do it, she can just go on with her life and when he does help out (which he often does) then she's thrilled to peices. And she gets to be grateful instead of resentful.

As for the letting your husband pick out your clothes thing, I often ask my BF which earrings I should wear or if I should wear this outfit or that one. And I always wear what he picked, even when I was really hoping he'd go the other way, because if I didn't want his opinion I shouldn't've have asked. Learned that one the hard way. He loves being consulted and it doesn't cost me anything.

Now, the author of the book could well be anti-feminist and/or a crackpot or she could just figure that if she says "These 10 things are the key to happiness" you might remember to do one or two of them some of the time. I figure it's the former, but I'm hoping it's the later 

It's the former.  It is the female answer to the Promise Keepers. 

Insomnia led me to find this thread...

I get married in a month. I'd love to give a Hubby a chance to choose my clothes, but he likes me to choose his. It'd be great if he could decide what we should eat, but he's had a lifelong battle with making his mind up. Oh, if only I could hand over the reins of our finances, but there's a reason why I've come into this relationship rich and him poor. As for small print and legal stuff, well, he tells me I'm more practiced in that kind of stuff, and he's right.

I'm a bit more Joan-of-Arc than surrendered wife. I did have a controlling boyfriend once when I was young, who I tried to please, but the more subservient I become the more controlling he became. It didn't last, it's not in my nature.

Men have had a very hard time with me. I'm a very happy and satisfied person. I like me, I like my life, I'm very capable, confident and proven - so sweetheart, what are you going to do to make me even happier than I already am? If a relationship is all about compromise, then what's so good about you that the compromise is worth it? I'm just about 40 years old, never married, never settled, I've had a wild, happy life so far and I've a million stories to tell. I've no ambition to marry, no ambition to make room in my life for somebody.

My grandmother frets constantly that I'll grow old alone and lonely like her if I don't find a man. She's conveniently forgets that she found her man, but she's been widowed 30 years and is old and lonely regardless of whether she married or not.

Then I meet this guy. He's in his 40s, never married, he's spent too much time being a nice guy to be a successful guy, so never attracted the material girls. He's noisy and passionate and opinionated and overbearing, so girls who like nice guys find him too much to cope with. He's independent, fiery, he's no doormat for me to wipe my feet on - and I will wipe my feet on you if you lie down in front of me often enough. He's educated and intelligent, not worldly-wise, but worldly-curious.

So, come my love, lets go and explore the world and each other and share everything new and old and known and undiscovered. Teach me your humanity and I'll teach you my skills. And if we burn up in each others' flames, what the hell, so long as we were happy while we were happy.