The travelling costs/the goodbyes that will never end!

 I have lived here for a little over a year. To make a long story short my husband  (English) said that we would eventually move back to AMERICA. Well, after our trip to America, for the holidays, he says that he doesn't want to move. I married him in October 2006 knowing that eventually the plan was to move back to the USA. I was fine living here before he mentioned that. I absolutely love England. It is beautiful and the people are kind, but it isn’t home nor will it ever be. I just can't see myself living here forever. I try and try but nope I get this stomach ache and it makes me so sad!A couple of years- fine! I am afraid to tell my parents/family. I know they will be supportive but very upset at the same time as I have been telling them that we will be back!

I love the job that I have here which is a great help. My husband’s family is lovely and very supportive. I have made a handful of friends on my own which helps things so much! It's just that lately my husband and myself have been fighting a lot. We have these "talks" and nothing is ever re-solved. We are in the same place as in beginning.

I have wanted to move into a bigger home, so when friends come they have a place to stay. I also want to move because we need more room. We live in a 2 bedroom end of terrace. My husband has one bedroom as his office. I just feel like I have nowhere to escape or no privacy at all! I was willing to move house and stay here for another three or four years. Well, now that my husband doesn't want to leave I am afraid to get a huge mortgage... it is such a commitment.

I miss my family and friends so much but I am also in love with my husband.  I just feel as if my life will never be settled. Either my husband or I will never be 100 percent happy/settled with our lives, as one of us will have to live in one another's country. My husband is becoming a different person because of this un-settlement in our relationship. I have no idea what to do!!

Why did I think that this was going to be a piece of cake? Well to tell you the truth I didn’t really think about it. The travelling costs/the goodbyes that will never end! Would it be easier to just pack my bags, move home, and try to forget about everything before I fall more in love with my husband? 

Life is about compromise. My husband, sadly, doesn’t seem to make an effort to agree upon something that will help me feel settled. Then there is the idea of kids? Drag an infant back and forth to America? Can someone please build me an island in the middle of the Atlantic? Or better yet give me some advice? What is a girl to do?!?!?

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.

I had a friend in a similar situation when I lived in the states. She tried very hard to feel settled but in the end she couldn't work it out and decided she had to leave her marriage and return to Denmark. She and her husband had all the same love and commitment issues but she never felt settled. Her husband thought it would be the same for him if he moved to be with her especially since he would be unemployed.

Only you and your husband will know what is right for the two of you. It will be a big risk either way.

Good luck.

Hi,

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch right now:( This may be a dumb question but have you told him exactly what you've written here?  Does he truly understand how much you feel the need to go home?  Is he willing to at least give living in the US a try?  Hopefully he will at least give it a chance some day for you because it would be so sad for you to have to choose between your home and your husband:-(  Compromise is key in marriage.  I have to tell myself that at least once a day!

I hope it works out for you both

Alissa x

I'm sure it must be very hard being in your situation and I haven't been there yet.  But, you say that you are in love with your husband, which is a good thing, so shouldn't home be wherever the two of you are together, wherever that may be? 

I'm so sorry that you are having difficulties.  It can be hard when you don't feel comfortable here.  If you don't want to stay but he does, you probably need to tell him how you feel.  It sounds like an important family decision that you should make together.  Good luck, and I hope things look up for you soon. 

Sorry you are having such a hard time. I think the only thing to do is sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband. Let him know all the things you are feeling and why, then make the decision that's best for you both, together. Because Persephone is right, a decision like this should be a family decision, not just one partner or the other saying where you will spend your lives. Good luck to you.

Hi there, I am sorry you are feeling this way.  There are so many feelings and emtions one goes through throughout the first few years.  I think it took me about 2 1/2 years to finally feel that ok this is my home for now and I can't change many of the things that I find aggravating or stupid so I just have to get on with it. It can take a strain on the relationship but more than anything just make sure you are always communicating. (I know, communication with men isn't that easy!  )  It may be none of my business but can I just ask why your husband wouldn't want to move to the states?  I could understand how I would feel if my husband said that to me. It would devastate me.  I have been here for over 4 years and though I love my husband I still will never feel like this is home to me either. I don't want to spend the rest of my life here.  It's been a great experience and I have gotten to see and experience many things most Americans have never even dreamed of.  You sound like you have wits about you though. You know that there is comprise to be made in a relationship.  What the plan was for me and my husband was that I would stay here long enough to get citizenship (which I did this past year) so that when we move to the states it would make it so much easier to move back and forth. It's much easier to fulfill British citizenship requirements, I think, then American ones.  We had our moments of severe arguing and finally had to have someone mediate for us. That helped us out greatly. I dont' mind admitting that we went to see a counselor to help us with our cultural differences. It was what we needed.  We were able to figure some things out. I do wish you the best.  Hugs your way!!

I to got a bit home sick, but I have been good for ages, my wife and I miss my family they are great and I love the UK I sort of wish we could spend 6 mnths here 6 mnths in the states but can't because of the boys school work college ect, I hate the weather here but it is worse in winter there, My wife and I talk all the time about things.

Maybe your husband is worried also but us men have a problem admitting it sometimes and tend to put our heads in the sand, it could be he is worried how you will manage if he gives his job up and all that, plus it is a lot harder to move to the states, my wife was worried about the medical and stuff not for her but for the boys.

It could be he is paniking about it all my wife does even though she is very happy to move in the future she said I just want to be with you and were ever that is then that is were I will be.

Like others have said try and talk tell him how much you love him, be patient and he might see some light, I get stubborn and will not move an inch on my decision if I feel pressured, I needed counciling to get on the plane to move here I was so scared, but I realised I would be gaining more from my wifes love and that of the children and it got me over my fear of the unknown and flying.

I wish you all the best and hope you can both resolve your fears.

take care and remember you love each other and all of this will seem a million years away one day.

Oh I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I feel really very bad for you. I wish that I could be of some assistance.

Unfortunately I have no idea what to say to you with respect to your relationship. Only you can decide what is right for "you".

I find it very difficult as an American living in the UK. I wish my husband would like to relocate back to the USA but infact I don't think I would be happy living there either (sometimes) because of the other hassles that I am escaping by living here.

Such as, the companies that say you owe them money when they have really screwed you over out of some kind of something ect...

I'm not sure what to do about my life either but I know one thing (for myself)...
I fell in love with him, and I love him. I won't leave him because I love him.

You and I both know that there is lots of fish in the sea, but why not be strong and proud of yourself?

I hope that you figure out a way to get through to your husband.
Perhaps you should remind him that you did not sign up to live here for the rest of your life.

I however signed up to be with my bestfriend/husband for the rest of mine no matter where we go.

I'm not sure how life is going to lead me but I know one thing for sure,
God is with me.

Have a nice day dear,
email me if you need to talk,
Nicole