Is life really different living together?

I've seen a lot of posts about people moving to be with their partner (my fiancee is gonna be one of them) but what about the person they are moving to? Personally I couldn't be happier that I am finally gonna be with the love of my life all the time and i'm sure i'm not the only one but how different is it actually living with your partner, especially in the cases of most of us moving 1000's of miles to do it.
In our case we will be living with my parents until we have our feet firmly on the ground and enough money to set out on our own, but again the bigger question, what is it like living together? any tidbits or hints would help right here

Hi there

You might have gathered from some of my other posts that my husband moved here to London from Orange County to be with me (all together now AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!).

Your fiancee is a lot younger than my husband so I would hazard a guess to say she would find the move easier than an older person ( i am probably going to get severely reprimanded for that comment at some stage but there you go...).

I think the key to success for both of you is to stay flexible and try not to have too many fixed expectations.  Goals are good but don't go beating yourself - or each other! - up if things turn out to be a bit different to how you imagined it.

The main differences I found in living together rather than visiting each other for a couple of weeks at a time are:


1. Obviously, and best of all, your loved one is there all the time and you don't have all the stress of staying in touch (in my case this meant constantly dashing out to buy phonecards and fighting with my flatmate over the phone and staying up half the night talking).

2. Your partner may find the reality of living here is somewhat different to visiting. They will miss things they never imagined (eg pickle relish, mixer taps!) and will probably miss family and friends more than they thought they would. Your partner will still have the stress of communicating across the time zones with their loved ones.

3. It might take longer than you think for your partner to assimilate and get used to the Brtish way of life. There are more cultural differences than you might think.

Can't offer you much advice on the staying with parents bit but if it was me I would be doing everything possible to get our own place asap. However well you get along with your parents and however supportive they are, you do need your own space to grow as a couple.

For your part, you need to show her that you understand and appreciate what she is giving up to come here and try and help her to settle in. Buy her little treats of things she misses if you can.  But I think you already know this if you are sitting up late watching Angels games! You'll be fine.

The food's a lot better 

Wow babe, I didn't know you'd been thinking about this.  You afraid I'm going to take over your room   You know all my weird little habits, and things like that.  You'll just have to deal with them all the time now, hehe

And Britwife:

However well you get along with your parents and however supportive they are, you do need your own space to grow as a couple

I agree.  I've been looking at places but I guess we'll have to wait and see.  Like Craig said, he'd rather save up enough money than as soon as we get money, we move out and make it harder on ourselves.  Thanks for the help.

Ok I've been living here for month.  With my in laws (lovely people) and my husband in one room.  He and I in one room I mean.  Plus his two kids come over every other weekend.  This has happened once so far.  It was ok but not ideal.  I thought for sure that my husband would stay within his comfort zone and want to stay with his parents for a longer time.  But its him that is ready to look for a house.  We both agree that while living here is good for now we need time to be with each other just the same.  We dated for 3 years.  Longest visit was 17 days.  So I get what you're saying. 

Britwife you were right on target with your comments.  It must be interesting to see living in Britain thru another person's eyes.   To realize that the adjustment is more than you would have thought before. 

Something else I might add is to teach your partner as much about phoning home and around town as soon as possible.  I still can't phone home without Chris yet.  But I'm working on it.  I have email and thats enough for the moment.

If she's going to ride the buses then take time to show her where to get them.  Here's how ridiculous I can be.  Even knowing that Britain drives on the left side of the road, I didn't realize the buses would travel that way too.  LOL Tooke me a time or two to get that one.  Silly huh. 

One thing Chris and I talked about doing was he would say where he was going to be like the Mumbles and I would find out how to get there and meet him for lunch.  Or he will sometimes take me on a business call to Cardiff and I'd go shopping while he's working and meet at an agreed on place.  Sort of a game and testing at the same time.  Plus it gets me out of the house.  Good luck you'll be great.  Like Britwife said, keep an open mind, sense of humor and take along an adventureous spirit (to an extent) and you'll do just fine.

Kas you are lucky to have a partner that is thinking so far ahead for you.  Its clear he wants you to be happy here.  If you care as much for him as he cares for you I imagine you'll be very happy together.

As an American that moved into her British boyfriend's parents house (for 1 month). . . my advice is do it only as long as you need to.  No matter how great your parents are, it is really difficult to live in someone else's house.  I was so thrilled to just be with him after months of long distance, but it was not ideal living with his parents.  Remeber, these are people you've lived with for your whole life, so it won't be automatic for your fiancee to be on the same comfort level as you.  Your fiancee is going to be going through a lot when she arrives! 

I'm not sure if your fiancee will be able to work.  I think it will be much easier if she can. . . When I moved here, I wasn't able to work (I still am not) and I was waiting to hear back from the Highly Skilled Migrant Programme. At first, we were going to wait to find out the results before we moved out. . .Thank God we didn't! It took 8 weeks to get the results, and I was rejected, so if we had waited we might not have gotten a place.  To be completely honest, I don't think I would have made it for 6 months in his parents house. Also, most landlords offer 6 month leases and when we got our place, I only had 5 months left (so if we waited any longer it would have been silly).

For me, it was just a matter of not feeling like a slob if I want to stay in my pajamas until noon (ok, or for all day).  Or just being able to read a book in peace, without parents worrying that something is wrong with me.  I didn't feel comfortable just whipping up a meal for myself in the kitchen (my boyfriend didn't understand this) but food is very different here than in America.  I think that most families here have staple foods that they prepare (spag. bol., fish pie, shephards pie, Sunday Lunch etc.) and in America every house has something different. It was hard to explain that just because I didn't know how to cook the English basics, didn't mean I don't know how to cook. (His mom did all of the grocery shopping, so it wasn't really my territory).  Laundry is another issue. I know that people have written about it in the forum, but you'll have to be aware that its not that she doesn't know how to do it, but laundry is very different over here. Until I came here, I had never seen anyone iron wet clothes! I didn't know what temperature (celsius or farenheit!) to put clothes on, and I had no idea where to put the powder!   

I also found myslef avoiding arguments at any cost when we were in the house.  It is really hard to have a fight or argument (even a discussion) when there are constantly other people around. My advice is to make sure you give her extra attention, and make an effort to bring her out for alone time where she can tell you what's going on in her head while you're working!

We now have our own flat and I am so much more comfortable. Worth every penny! Good luck!

Britwife you were right on target with your comments.  It must be interesting to see living in Britain thru another person's eyes.   To realize that the adjustment is more than you would have thought before. 

Thanks! It can be quite difficult being the Brit partner too, it is not always easy to understand the problems your partner is having adjusting when everythings seems so normal to you, like buses, high cost of living etc. I often wonder how well I would have coped if I had been the one making the move, I would have been just as lost amd bewildered by things I am sure. eg I remember on one visit being outraged when asked to show my passport by Amtrak until Stu explained this is normal on the trains there, everyone has to show ID.

 

One thing Chris and I talked about doing was he would say where he was going to be like the Mumbles and I would find out how to get there and meet him for lunch.  Or he will sometimes take me on a business call to Cardiff and I'd go shopping while he's working and meet at an agreed on place.  Sort of a game and testing at the same time.  Plus it gets me out of the house.

   Now thats a really cool idea Kiz

Hey guys, thanks to everyone for the support and advice, wow Kismet, dating 3 years and longest visit was 17 days must have been hard not being able to spend long periods of time together, Kassie and I have been dating 6 years and i just spent 2 1/2 months in the US with her so big applause for you being able to do that I know it's gonna be a little awkward and occasionely trying but with the advice given and still coming in i think i've got a better outlook on it now so again thanks guys, keep it coming