Parental Guilt Trip Over Moving

This isn't necessarily a "moving issue" in the physical sense of the word.  But I just needed to vent a bit about the "familly issues" with my moving.  I'm 26 and moving with my 4 1/2 year old daughter to the UK in March to be with my husband.  I lived in Italy for 3 years while I was in the military, and I really loved Europe in general.  My husband and I spent many, many hours discussing where we would live...weighing the options, pros and cons, of living in the US or living in the UK.  In the end, we decided that (for our personal priorities for the family) living in the UK would be the best decision for us.  To begin with, me and my daughter moving over there is the much harder than him moving here...but in the long run, we feel it's the best thing for us.  The problem here is my parents are not very happy about this decision at all.  They honestly wouldn't care if it was just me (they had no problem with my volunteering to live in Italy for 3 years when I was younger), but they feel as though I am "ripping" my daughter away from them.  My parents know me well enough to know that I have made up my mind and nothing they say is going to change my mind, so they've basically just "forbidden" the subject from being discussed.  I understand that they are upset and disappointed (and if it was my daughter in 20 years, I would feel the same...so I definitely "feel their pain"), but I don't think they truly see how devastating their negative attitudes are to me and my daughter.  I have loads of support from my friends and from my hubby's family...but there's nothing like hearing mommy and daddy say "We'll support your decision and help you in any way that we can."  I don't really know how to make them see my side of things or give them an explanation of why we feel this is best for us.  To give them the benefit of the doubt, in the past, I have been known to make hasty, uninformed decisions.  But that's part of the reason why I want to talk to them...tell them all the things me and my hubby discussed, fill them in on all the research I have done...let them know that this is an educated decision and not something that we are taking lightly.  I know that the UK isn't perfect, but for the things that are important to me, the UK does offer better opportunities then we have here in the US.  My family is basically just trying to run a guilt trip on me to convince me to stay.  They say that I don't care about the family and don't want to be a part of their lives, etc.  That's just not fair!  They want to throw all the negative aspects of the move (which I am already well-aware of and having a difficult time accepting anyway), but they don't want to let me speak about the positive side of things.

I don't really know if I'm asking for advice on the subject because I know it's just going to take time for them to accept the fact.  But, did anyone else have similar issues when they decided to move to the UK?

I'm going through a similar guilt trip thing and I am single with no kids! My mom and sister basically won't even talk to me about it. If I try to share something exciting (or frustration) with them, they just clam up. Luckily my dad and brother are supportive, as are some of my friends. However, the guilt trip "you don't love us" is annoying since that's obviously not true. I tend to remind them that I have one life, and I am going to live it! 34 years of longing to live overseas must mean it's not just a whim! It's still many months off for me, so I haven't had to really really confront the issue. I just wanted to say, yes, I can sympathize. Not much you can do about their feelings, but you can change how you react.  That's what I'm trying to do....

Good luck!

Smith925 & Gottagettolondon, Just wanted to offer my opinion & some support from someone who is old enough to be your mother. It's your life, you should be happy. Life is or can be short, it should be an adventure and filled with happiness and not remorse.
We moved over here 2 1/2 year ago for an expat assignment and love living here, most of the time    My son & his family live in Brazil, my daughter & her husband live in Australia and my youngest son is at university in Austin (last year  ) They are all living their dreams and you should too.
My parents & my husband' parents are both in their 80's we see them when we can and make all our moments count.
I live just outside London, pm me if you ever need anything.

My mother is the queen of guilt trips. When I graduated high school and wanted to go to a college five hours away she said she would never "come visit me, write me a letter, or call me" if I went to school there. I should have said good!    I went to a small private Christian college about an hour away instead of where I wanted to go, and was miserable.

After one semester I withdrew from that school and moved to England for six months on a BUNAC visa.  She was NOT happy, but eventually got over it.

I'm now living six hours away from where my family is, and I couldn't be happier. I know they will never come visit me. I'll be shocked if my mother even comes for my graduation. It's going to be in August, in Memphis, and she's complaining that it would be "too hot"     I love my mother and my family, but if it was up to them, I'd live at home for the rest of my life and be miserable.

Thanks, Ripley. I've pretty much told them that as well (my dad, especially, agrees!)

I went to uni (US) when I was 16 (yes a little too young) and never lived at home again. Life ripples and flows; mistakes, whew, do I have stories to tell! I've traveled and worked in many places; do the same if you choose - it's not for everyone.
Do you remember the Dr. Seuss book, "Oh The Place You'll Go!" It was on of my children's favorite books, hence their wanderlust.
My husband & family know that if an alien (as in ET) came along, I'd leave with "it" in a New York minute 

Well I'm glad to see I'm not the only one.  As I stated, I understand what they are going through and I only live about 30 minutes away right now and my daughter goes to spend the night with them at least once a week.  It will be a big adjustment for all of us.  One of my mom's very close friends (who is like a second mom to me) invited me over last weekend for dinner and she spent the entire evening telling me how excited she was for me.  I explained to her all my reasons for wanting to go over there, and she said she completely agreed with me.  It was so nice to have someone "in my corner."  I know the UK isn't "Eden" and they are going to be things about it that I will hate...and there will be loads of things from the US that I will miss (aside from my family)...but the grass truly is greener in the UK (in the literal sense of the word) and I can't wait to be there and experience all of the opportunities that I've been looking forward to for so long (and missed so much since leaving Italy).  I sat down with my dad a few weeks ago and explained to him all of my reasons for moving over there (including but not limitied to:  better education, lower crime, universal healthcare, travel opportunities, the fact that my daughter will be more "cultured" and exposed to a more open-minded atmosphere-of course, I know this does not apply to ALL of the UK, but it is true for the area I'll be moving to compared to the area I live in now).  His response was "You haven't made any compelling arguments to me."  I told him "I'm not trying to sounds rude, Dad, but I'm a grown adult and I don't have to convince you to let me go.  I don't need your permission."  My dad even admitted that his reasons for wanting me to stay here were selfish because he would miss us so much.  My mom, on the other hand, refuses to discuss anything about us moving, unless it is for her to make some sarcastic comment about things.  I am super excited about the move and although I don't actually "need" any help from them, it would be nice to discuss my excitement (and disappointment) about things with them.  I've always been a very independant person, and I've never been particularly "close" to my parents (I actually talked to my mom more when I lived in Italy then I do now) and they've always known I wanted to move away from the area...I guess they just assumed it would never happen.  I know they're disappointed and I'm sure they'll get over it eventually...but I wish they could be there for me and be supportive now.  It's bad enough that I have to leave them to begin with, but they have to make me feel like shyte about it for 5 months before I leave too...that's not productive!

Oh my mom does the guilt trip, but I just let it go. She's been doing it to me for 50+ years; my dad is more "whatever," sometimes I think dads, not regret, but are nostalgic about "the road not taken" and want their child to choose their own path. Just a theory.
I'm very close to my "rebel" aunt who joined the AF (collective family gasp in the '60's) was a medievac nurse in Vietnam and then lived around the world. Perhaps my mom blames her for my wanderlust.
You sound like a great mom, remember to let your kids go when the time comes 

How about pointing out that the less supportive your mother is now the less likely it is that you will want to come and visit in the future, thereby completely depriving them of their grandchild?


Vicky

Yeah...I've "kinda" mentioned that to her and also threatened their lives (not literally) if they were to say anything negative to (or in front of) my daughter about the move...but my mom would never do that so I'm not too worried about it.  I mentioned to her "You know, they get like 5 weeks of vacation over there.  So, we could come back several times a year." <let me point out that my hubby has a nice, cushy, well-paid job so we could afford it>  Her comment to me was "Well, that will never happen."  At which point, I replied, "You're right.  I'm not going to spend every second of my vacation here because I want to travel the world with my daughter and husband...."  She just interrupted me to say "We're not talking about this."  I don't want to "threaten" her, but I was hoping she would be mature enough to realize that if I leave on bad terms...I'm not going to want to come back as often.  My daughter is sooooo excited to move over to the UK because she will finally be back with her daddy (not her biological father but the man who is her real daddy).  I know she doesn't fully understand that she will not be able to see her grandparents as much, but my hubby's family has no grandchildren and no girls in the family...so they have already forewarned me that she will be spoiled to death.  I know they won't "replace" my family, but I think they will "distract" her from missing my family so much.  My dad said that one of the reason's he didn't want me to go was because he wouldn't be able to "help" me.  "If your car breaks down on the side of the road, it's not like you can just pick up the cell and call me to come get you."  I told him that I understand all that but I will have my hubby and my hubby's family there to help if I'm in need.  When I was in Italy, I jumped blindly into it and did not know a single soul!  I'm hoping they will get used to the idea of all this soon.  I have about 5 months left before I plan to move...and part of the reason my hubby and I decided to wait so long for the move was so me and my daughter could enjoy more time with my family before we left.  They are making the short amount of time we do have left...miserable.  Bad enough we have to be away from my hubby. 

I know your pain. DH's Mom is the worst for sending him on guilt trips and this decision to move to the UK has been the mother of all guilt trips. Everyone else on both sides of our families are excited for us and supportive. His own borther and sister simply told him, 'you know how she is, so just get on with your life, and send us lots of postcards and make sure there's a bed for us to come visit!'

But these days, she's in denial, pretending it's a whim on our part and is none too happy with me right now, as in her eyes, I'm somehow leading her baby down the path of the wickedness of leaving America.  I look on in bemusement.

Your parents are losing what is nearest and dearest to them, perhaps their life centers around you and your daughter, when you are gone they will have a very large void to fill and at the moment just don't see how they can do that.  It's not easy for friends and family to understand the want/need to move far away, they don't want to themselves so cannot see any reason you would want to either.  Since your parents will not discuss this with you face to face perhaps it might be a good idea to write down all that you want to say to them so that they can read it when you are not there.  They can take their time and digest what you have to say, really think about it, see how their attitude is making you feel.

My children were not born in the USA and have never lived there yet my children have seen my parents more than any of their other grandchildren, this is because when we would visit them or they would visit us it would be for at least 3 weeks at a time, often longer.  My children love their grandparents tremendously and feel very close to them, so just because you are moving doesn't mean that your parents are losing a granddaughter, it's up to the both of you to make sure that doesn't happen and it sounds like you already know that.

Best of luck to you.

I agree...there are so many ways to keep in touch over distance.  My hubby and I are about 3,000 miles away atm, but we still talk for several hours everyday, in one form or another.  My sister just had a baby about 3 months ago, so although I know that will never replace my daughter, at least it won't leave my parents "baby-less."  I had thought about writing them a letter before and explaining my reasons for wanting to leave and everything...but it wouldn't do any good.  Like I said, I sat down and talked to my dad about it, but he just blew the whole thing off.  Whatever I said to him, he had some uneducated comment to come back with about how what I was saying was wrong.  So that was pointless also.  It doesn't matter what I tell them, they would still have something negative to come back with...so I'm not going to waste my time.  I've decided that I'm not going to tell them anything else about it.  I'll handle everything on my own (because at this point, they're not going to help me with anything anyway) and I'm sure that eventually they will get curious enough to start asking me questions about things.  In the meantime, I'm just trying to surround myself with people who are being positive and supportive about the whole thing.  My friends are all super excited and made me promise to have a house with an extra bedroom so they can come visit.  And my husbands mum is always asking me if I need anything and already started helping him pick out things for the house...also guaranteeing me many extensive shopping trips when I get there.  Another thing about the whole "parental guilt trip situation" that drives me crazy is the way my hubby reacts to my frustration over it.  He tries to listen to me vent and say things to make me feel better...but it doesn't really work because I know he doesn't truly understand what I'm going through.  He doesn't have to leave any of his family, so he doesn't have to go through those emotions...and he has nothing but positive feedback because his entire family is jumping for joy that they finally get some women (and a grandchild) out of the whole deal...so he doesn't understand the weight of all this negativity on me.  Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive and counting down the days (there are SOOOOO many) until I can get my butt over there and be with him.  Thanks for all the support from people who know what I'm going through

:-)

As an only child, my mom is pretty upset that I moved.  Bless her!  As supportive as she tried to be on the surface, she would still let little things out like "guess we will never see you at the holidays again" and "if you ever have children, they won't even know us." I have had to learn to live with it.  One advice is to set up webcams.  DH bought a PC and webcam for my parents before he "took me away" and now my mom has started her own myspace page, knows how to chat and email, sends me tons of e-cards, and I try my best to webcam with her once a week for 15-20 mins at the very least, but try to spend an hour or so on webcam with them every few weeks, and we have a call plan on the phone that gives super cheap rates to the US.  I think once we explained all that to her, it helped ease her pain.  And now at least she still gets to "see" us and my stepson on webcam, he is only 2 1/2, but thinks the webcam is so cool, and is always pointing at it and asking about "nana."

It will be hard, but when they see how happy you are, they will learn to live with it.  Of course, being a mother yourself, you can understand a bit of what it must be like for them.  But you know what is best for you, so just sympathize with them a bit, but smile and tell them it will be ok, and you will still see them, etc.  I really think showing my parents how to communicate on the internet with us made a HUGE difference, as I couldn't imagine how depressed she would be if we didn't even have that! 
Good luck and enjoy your journey!