dealing with both families in an international wedding/frustration!!

It's all down to what's going to make you happy.

Having just had a wedding a week ago, I agree with this completely! It's your day, so do what YOU want!

We got married in the UK because that's what we wanted. If relatives and friends could manage to come from other countries, they did. If they couldn't, it didn't matter - we knew they were there in spirit.

When my fiance asked me to marry him I told him since I was moving here and leaving my family and friends that the only thing I wanted was to have a wedding in the States...because my dad can't travel so he wouldn't be able to be here. So we decided that we were having the wedding in the states this year and then next year we willl have a blessing and a reception over here in the UK for those who couldn't attend.
Most of my fiance's family has been good. His Mother, Brother and sister in law, and father and best friend are coming over to the states for the wedding. His other brother made some lame excuse about having to put in for vacation a year in advance...we have been engaged for almost a year and a half and he knew about it from the beginning and he also said it would cost too much. Well I believed this until he started bragging about going to Cardiff for the weekend before our wedding for the U2 concert...that he spent a thousand pounds on the tickets that didn't include the hotel and stuff...so he is spending more money on this concert then it would cost to come over for the wedding....so that has made me a little mad...
I am not going to lie it has been very stressful trying to be here in the UK and plan a wedding in the states...I figured out a long time ago when all this started that I am not going to be able to please everyone and some people are going to get upset.....and some people won't be able to come to the states wedding and some won't be able to make it to the UK wedding.....but this day to me is about marrying the man I love more than anything in the world and sharing it with our friends and family....and we are a little luckier then most because we get to have two weddings...

One tip that helped me while I was planning weddings in two places was that I kept a wedding file in my online photo website.  It wasn't a public place, but just somewhere that I could send people to say things like "what do you think of these flowers? and This is a cake I really like."  I didn't end up using tons of stuff in there, but I found that keeping people involved even if they couldn't be right there by my side for all the steps really helped me feel less isolated and let them know I valued them and their opinions (whether I followed their advice or not).  It was also helpful for things like finding morning suits that DH could be happy with and such since he wasn't here to make choices himself.

I wasn't an uber-planner, but I did find it helped to involve people by letting them know I was thinking about them and wondering if they liked my thoughts.  Maybe stuff like that can help people on both sides of the pond to not feel left behind.

Good luck!  We're rooting for you--just remember, it's your wedding, and how you look back on this day is what really matters in the end.  That may require some negotiating to keep the tensions down, but don't let everyone else dictate your happiness.  Let it be your special day, and if things are totally out of your control, just let them go!

One tip that helped me while I was planning weddings in two places was that I kept a wedding file in my online photo website.  It wasn't a public place, but just somewhere that I could send people to say things like "what do you think of these flowers? and This is a cake I really like."  I didn't end up using tons of stuff in there, but I found that keeping people involved even if they couldn't be right there by my side for all the steps really helped me feel less isolated and let them know I valued them and their opinions

I wound up using Facebook for things like that. I could send messages to groups of people and provide links and so on. It was great!

thanks for the kind responses and thoughts, everyone!

just wanted to report that i took my final trip home to visit family before my move next month (and attended a cousin's wedding, ironically enough).  it was VERY tough saying goodbye to my mother and she's still struggling with it, but i also feel more at peace with my decision.  also, after talking with her some more about wedding stuff, she eventually did say she would come if i really wanted her to, but she is afraid she will be too upset because to her it represents that i will never live near her again.  

my cousin's wedding made me realize all that i will miss out on (and all that he will miss out on if we were to have the wedding in my home state) but i also think it made me realize that a big, expensive, elaborate celebration is just not where we want our time/money to go over the next year.  

i think we're pretty set on eloping to hawaii and getting married on a beach.  my grandmother's family is from there and i've never been, so that will make it feel extra special.  it will be just us and i think i like the idea of that better than a traditional wedding, after all.  we may or may not plan a small reception in england later on....verdict is still out on that.  

We married in the UK for various reasons.  His grandparents wouldn't have been able to travel... I'd recently become a Christian and was no longer attending the Catholic church I attended in my hometown (not to mention even if I was I'd have had to get an annulment of my previous marriage there)...no real ties for me to the part of MA I was living in at the time etc.  Long-distance planning was made easier by my fantastic in-laws doing a lot of legwork checking out reception venues in his hometown (which they were already doing for sis-in-law's wedding).

We figured if we went the courthouse/register office route with small parties each place the families wouldn't mix at all because frankly my family probably wouldn't have made the effort.  So we had a church wedding and a small-ish (less than 100) reception in the UK.

We did get a bit of flack off my Aunt about it being in February rather than August (timed to be inexpensive AND coincide with February vacation for the two teachers and high school student invited) but we shrugged it off.  My cousin and his family couldn't make it but a decent number of my other relatives and a few friends from the US did.

Eloping is always an option, my cousin (the one who couldn't make ours) and his wife eloped twelve years ago yesterday. 

This is precisely why we eloped.  Its all the rage, all the cool kids are doing it

On a serious note: IF we do decide to have a ceremony (which we say we are going to do), we will have the ceremony in England and fly both of my parents out and then go to the US to have a second reception.  Or you can go the Gwen and Gavin route and have two weddings (er... after winning the lottery or something)

Good luck lily!