How many false starts did you have?

I was going to title this thread "sh*t or get off the pot!"  

After two months of emails and phone calls lasting hours, I finally asked my guy when he was planning to fly to the US to meet me.  He hemmed and hawed and said he didn't think he could do a long distance relationship.  I was furious that he'd wasted my time.  I had made it very clear in my dating profile that I lived in the States, had had other LDRs and had no qualms about moving as I'd done it before.  I told him I didn't see the point of continuing and wanted to end it right there.  He seemed shocked and said he wasn't willing to end things now.  He said he'd make the trip, we should at least meet before deciding and we agreed that at the very least he'd have a good holiday.  

So for the past week we've been planning what to see and do.  He hadn't booked his flight because it wouldn't be till mid September and we both were hoping there would be travel sales before then.  I really like this guy and he really seems to like me.

Today he called as usual and said after much thought and many sleepless nights, he decided he couldn't have an LDR.  He had two in the past (one two hours away and another in Europe) and initially felt they wouldn't last but let them drag on.

He said he is afraid that after spending thousands of pounds and time travelling, he'd feel worse  if it dragged on so better to end it now than later.  WTF? He did say he might still visit my area because he's never been and it would be nice to meet me.  I said, "Have a nice life" and hung up.

So I followed up with an email "Sounds as if you are looking for a guaranteed happy relationship from the beginning.  The whole point of dating is getting to know each other to see if anything good will come of it.  Choosing the wrong women in the past and letting it drag on isn't my fault.  If you feel that I would be the wrong woman even if we dated locally, I wouldn't have a problem with that. If you are looking for the Perfect Woman, I feel sorry for you because there is no such thing.  If you have so little self-awareness that you don't know if you'd recognize a woman who'd be good for you, again I feel sorry for you.  Certain traits are annoying and certain things are deal breakers. Liking different foods or films is annoying, hating pets is a deal breaker.  Having a different belief system is annoying, demanding that someone convert to your religion is a deal breaker.  Can you spot the difference?  You need to learn the difference.  You can't expect someone to think exactly the way you do and like everything you like. That would be boring, you'd never learn anything and, frankly,  it's a bit narrow minded."

To top it off, this morning I asked on an astrology website what our compatibility would be like.  I've studied astrology for years but thought I was reading into it based on my desires.  It looked really good.  I don't believe in those computer generated charts and wanted to hear from real people 'in the field.'  I was secretly hoping they'd say "You had a lucky escape, thank your stars you got out now!"  No such luck!  I was told we should be married, we were incredibly compatible, people would kill to have our charts, etc.  That made me feel even worse!  I attached that information to my email above so he could torture himself at night when he is alone in his bed wondering why he can't meet a good woman.  Cuz you threw her away, baby!    

I am doubly pissed off because I gave another guy the brush off who might have been more suitable, dammit.  Now I have to think of a story why I haven't been in touch!

Strangely enough, two days ago I got an email from my ex-fiance who dumped me in 2004 because he wasn't ready to get married.  In 2007 he married a fellow Brit.  I am tempted to reply, "Marriage on the rocks already?"  I haven't replied to him and don't honestly know if I will.

So the point of my rant -- and there is one -- is how many of you found yourselves in the same circumstances?

I dont think this is what you wanted to hear, but I think that 2 months is quite early to even being thinking about a LDR.  I think that your guy may be right - if there isnt undeniable chemisty that has been consistant for maybe 6 months or even more, I wouldnt dream of putting myself through the pain of an LDR.  Its possible that you jumped into this quicker than he would like (if you already thinking of moving to the UK enough to join a forum like this) and *most* people do not work that that time scale.   If the guy isnt into an LDR, I think he did you a favour here.   As tempting as it sometimes is, there is no reason for you to send snarky emails as it wont get you anywhere.    Sorry it didnt work out for you.

I'm really sorry he put you through this. He's a schmuck for starting up with someone who lived across the ocean when he didn't want an LDR. I mean...seriously?

However, there's nothing wrong, in itself, in his not wanting one. Not everyone can handle a relationship over long distance because those do come with their own set of challenges, and people should be honest with themselves if they feel they can't (or don't want to) deal with them. Having gone through one myself and having read tons of experiences of others' having gone through it, I just can't fault someone for saying "Woah! Not for me!"

He should not have wasted your time though if he was never seriously considering an LDR. Not like you were hiding where you lived, right?

I think that 2 months is quite early to even being thinking about a LDR.  

The reason I am posting on an expat forum is because most of you have had similar experiences.  LDRs are the norm, not the exception.  

It's not too early to have that first meeting to SEE if we could have a LDR.  It's been my experience over the years that if there is chemistry over the phone and in emails, it's a good idea to meet sooner rather than later.  If there isn't that chemistry over the phone, there isn't any in person. Two months is a long time to me.  I've had men want to book their flight after the first call!  From my experience, I know certain things will work and others won't in LDRs so I need to get that information before either of us books a flight.  Otherwise, it's time wasted.  With this guy, all the ducks were in order. The best yet.

He clearly was upset, he definitely likes me.  He said he's afraid of being hurt or of hurting me, since that's happened with these other women. Welcome to the world of dating, wherever you live!  

I really don't see how I could have made things more clear.  I guess I am just scratching my head over men like this.  Are they that lonely?

I'm scratching my head a little, hope you won't take offense to my question. But, the first thing that came to mind after I read your initial post was why are you seeking out a long distance relationship? I am not against them by any means, that is not what I am saying. When you have feelings for someone, you can't help where they live. But I wouldn't put myself in a position to look for someone so far away is all. It's hard, very, very hard.

I'm scratching my head a little, hope you won't take offense to my question. But, the first thing that came to mind after I read your initial post was why are you seeking out a long distance relationship? I am not against them by any means, that is not what I am saying. When you have feelings for someone, you can't help where they live. But I wouldn't put myself in a position to look for someone so far away is all. It's hard, very, very hard.

Exactly.  For me, I've put my dating life "on hold" for a bit since I'm not sure if I'll be in the UK in 6 months, or 12, or not at all, so that seems like rather shaky ground on which to start a relationship here, let alone try and start something with someone in the UK.

That said, I have begun networking a bit (online) with folks in the UK, just so that I "know" some people if/when I get there.  Sure, if I happen to meet someone who seems so incredibly awesome that I can't believe it, I'd probably try and visit/move sooner to see where things went, but even in the best case scenario I wouldn't expect them to show up on my doorstep within 2 months of first phoning me.  I don't know that I'd show up on their doorstep within those 2 months, either, unless I'd already been planning the trip.  I can understand not wanting to waste time, but travel (especially transatlantic) takes time to plan/pay for, and I can totally see not wanting to rush into it just because someone's pressuring you to show up or get lost.

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out with that guy, but I do agree with the other posters - 2 months sounds like an awfully short time to make any sort of ultimatums.  (And, knowing most guys, mentioning moving to the UK was probably a bit premature as well, since that's WAY long-term and quite unexpected since you haven't actually met in person yet.)

NowIsTheTime, I'll apologise in advance for saying this, cos it's not something people like to hear, but the first thing I thought when reading this thread was that you seem to be a very controlling-type person.

Maybe that's what's putting him off, rather than an LDR?

The first thing I thought when reading this was "whoa" You're obviously upset and I can see why, but maybe it's time to chill out, do some "you" stuff and just breathe?

An LDR is still a relationship, a very specialised one, but a relationship none the less. The majority of "rules" are the same as the ones you'd apply to a relationship in your real life.
So, for instance, If you'd been seeing a guy in real life for 2 months, you might have had only 6 dates, you might not have slept together, you almost certainly wouldn't be talking about the future, where things were going, what was going to happen in a year from then, when you were planning to take your first trip together, moving in together etc. I honestly don't think it's unreasonable to not want to go on an expensive holiday with someone I've only been talking to for 2 months, I wouldn't go on one with a boyfriend I'd only been dating for 2 months.

Yes, some people move quickly when they meet someone, but it certainly isn't the "norm" (if any relationship can ever be normal!). When I met my DF we spent months talking, months and months of just being friends (there was an obvious initial attaraction, but we were bo), seeing what chemistry we had, progressing slowly from text, to voice, to web cam, to meeting in real life, to talking about visas, to moving in together, to marriage.
Just like in a non LDR there has to be a sensible progression which goes at the correct pace for all involved. If one of you is trying to pull forward faster than the other, then the slower one is always going to feel uncomfortable and may rebel.
 
LDRs may not be his bag -  they're not everybodys! Being an LDR requires you to be totally sure of yourself and your relationship, you have to be able to say "hey I'm not there, so go out with your mates and have fun!" and totally mean it, to not second guess your partner if they're having an off day and don't want to talk to you, or if they meet a fun new attractive co-worker, you have to deal with plans falling through at the last minute, to not being able to be there for your partner when the world falls apart/

They're complicated and tricky and can be heartbreaking and tiring. I wouldn't wish one on anyone, they're a means to an end of being with the person you love.

I don't mean to be harsh, at all, but it is possible that it was you, and not the LDR, that this guy didn't want.  People often fib when it come to breakups - "it's not you, it's me" - and maybe this was his way of trying to let you down easy?

Quoting from your first post to this forum:

I've had some false starts with guys in the UK (bad timing, wrong guys), but I need to stay focused and not get discouraged.  I only feel truly at home in the UK and am determined to live there full-time instead of part-time.  Thank God for internet dating!  

It's quite possible that if this guy thought your motivations for starting a relationship with him were less about him as a person and more about finding a way to get to the UK - which, to be honest, is something I would question myself if someone I'd never met in person told me they were willing to move to another country to be with me! - then he may well have put an end to things for this reason.  I'm not saying that this is indeed the case, but it's a possibility.

Have you considered ways to emigrate to the UK on your own merits?  Through work permits, or furthering your education?  LDRs are hard work, and not everyone is cut out for them - especially not from the very beginning of a relationship!

I've read your previous posts on here, too, and it really sounds to me like you're jumping the gun a bit on everything.  2 months is a short amount of time to know someone, online or in person and to be able to know if they're "the one". 

I can understand his hesitance in not wanting to spend "thousands of pounds" on a relationship that might head nowhere...I think everyone in an LDR has those feelings at the start of the relationship.  But I also think there's room for compromise.  Since you say you love the UK, why don't you offer to visit him first?

In the end though, if he doesn't want to be in an LDR, he doesn't want to be in an LDR and you can't force him into one, or make him marry you just so you can be together.