Death of a Parent/Living Abroad

In April of this year, my father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.  I flew over to be with him/family.  He died June 25.  My son and I are traveling back on the 11th of August.  My Mom is going to come back with us and stay for a month.

After that, I think it will be very hard being "alone" in the UK.  Of course, I have my husband and son, but I have no other family in the UK.  I also feel very guilty for my Mom being on her own.  My brother and his family are an hour and a half away and while they are great, they don't have the same relationship with my Mom that I do.

She has always felt that I should live in the US and I feel tension that I should be with her.  My husband and I also promised we'd take care of her and she is welcome to live in the US, but the laws are so strict in the UK, I don't think she'll be able to and being that is the case, she doesn't want to try.  I feel it might be a dangerous move to just sell our house and move to the States, but I also want her to be taken care of.

This is a long, round-about way of saying, does anyone have experience of losing a parent and living abroad?

thanks and sorry for the rant!!!

First of all, new york, new york, I am so sorry about your father. I haven't experienced losing a parent yet, but I have rapidly aging parents and like you, even though I have brothers, I feel the burden and desire too, to be the one to take care of them. I know exactly what you mean about the guilt of wanting to be there for her and take care of her. It's classic role reversal, isn't it?

I'm not sure how easy it is for your mom to travel, but is it possible for her to come here to see you more regularly, with trips for you in between? Sometimes, just having that next trip planned can make the goodbye easier. Is your mom healthy?

Also, does she have a network of friends? When I think about my mom, I know that if I moved her to another country, away from her friends and social network, it would be harder for her to keep living. Would she consider moving into a retirement type place that provides social activities? Knowing that she is busy and enjoying her life might make it easier for you here.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  :\\\'(

I am so sorry for you!  I think losing a parent is incredibly hard.  I am struggling with going back to the US to take care of my parents or staying in the UK, but I have good friends and a surrogate family here which are great.  My mother has a plan for what will happen when my father dies (due to some health conditions we are pretty sure we know who will be going first) which are to move into a senior community place, which will look after her from healthy and involved in the social activities through when her health deteriorates.  I think turning 60 this year has made her start looking at a few places.  This doesn't help my guilt of not being able to be there for her birthdays and all the holidays. 

It is incredibly hard and scary to be away from parents as they are getting older and especially when they have been through something very traumatic like your dad dying.  It can be so hard to know what the right choice is.  Good luck with your decisions and feel free to PM me since I'm not in the same boat but one that is near by. 

  I'm so sorry for your loss, new york new york.  I lost my mom suddenly two years ago and it's really rough.  Sometimes it still feels like yesterday.  She'd only been gone a year when we moved to London and I was really worried about "abandoning" my dad, even though my brother and his family live closer than I did when I was in the US.  Right from the start, though, he started planning trips to come over several times a year.  He's semi-retired, so has quite a bit of flexibility. 

Basically, at any given time, there are plans for me to go home or for him to come here in the pipeline.  To be honest, it helps both of us a lot. 

No question, there's still guilt and worry.  There was guilt and worry when we were in the US, too, though.  I suspect the worry goes both ways.    He's done a really amazing job of staying social and accepting invitations when they're offered, even if it means he's the odd one out.  These days, he's mostly settled into a life that resembles his life with my mom as much as possible.  He'd never want to move here permanently (well, with us, nothing is ever permanent!) and he would feel hideous if we moved nearby just to be nearby. 

Day to day, I keep in close contact, calling once a day, and I really keep him involved in what's going on over here.  For most of my post college life (15 years), I lived 8 hours away.  On some level, an 8 hour drive vs an 8 hour flight isn't that different.

Rant away.  It's a really, really shi!tty time and I'm sorry you're going through it.

NYNY, my mom's currently very near passing away from ovarian cancer back in the US.  It's really difficult being over here while all that is going on.  My sister flies in (about 2 hrs for her) to see my mom & dad near every weekend now, which is a relief on one hand (she's been very helpful apparently) but also makes me feel really guilty that I'm just not able to do that.  Husband & I are on standby at the moment for whenever the inevitable comes and I imagine that's the point when it will get REALLY hard.

Not much to advice to offer, since I'm going through the same thing rather blindly, but just to offer that there's others of us in the same situation.  I don't think there any easy answers...we're planning to invite my dad to come to stay with us for a long visit (maybe a month?) after the baby is born as it will give him something positive to focus on.  It's also really hard for me in knowing my mom won't be alive for the birth of her 1st grandchild...

Thank you all SO much for your notes!  They are actually making me a bit teary... :\\\'(  It is comforting and helpful to know that others have similar situations.  Aless, it must be so hard for you being pregnant.  Please take care of yourself.  My Dad had brain cancer, so I can somewhat relate to your mother's end stage cancer.  It is very rough...

Hugs to all of you.

My Mom has always been more of a person who surrounds herself with family.  I think she's reeling a bit in terms of what to do.  The thing is, we've always been close.  My sister died when she was 13, I was 12.  Me and my sister were so close in age, we were almost like twins, so I think that made my Mom and I closer.  My brother tries and is not very far away, so that's good.

I think she REALLY wants to be near me and my son - 3.  Everyone says a widow should stay in her house, if possible, for a year.  We're sort of all taking that rule and seeing what happens over the next year. 

In terms of trips, I don't think either one of us would be able to afford more than one flight a year.  I would love if she could afford one a year, but don't know if she can.  We definiteley plan to come over once a year - more if we win the lottery! - Hey, if that happens, we'll have houses in both places!!

thanks SOOOO much everyone.  It's great to have such support in such a tough situation. 

New York New York and Aless, I just wanted to say I'm very sorry for what you are going through. My father died of liver cancer and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with that from over here, though. To be honest, I think my father wished I were away somewhere else rather than watching him slowly die. It was sooo hard to see him like that, I felt I wasn't any help to him at all. Since my father passed away and he was an only child, and I am an only child, I am my grandmother's only immediate family member besides a few elderly siblings and several nieces and nephews who look after her. I worry about her all the time, but she told me to go and live my life and be happy instead of staying around worrying about an "old woman."  She is so sweet, but it doesn't make me worry any less about her. I did feel selfish in some ways when I chose to move away, but at the same time, I know it made her and the rest of my family so happy to see me find the person I wanted to be with and become a wife and stepmom.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for what you are going through and I will keep you both in my thoughts. (((HUGS)))

Thanks, Jewlz.  I won't lie - being over here has made it easier to block out what I imagine must be difficult images of her wasting away...it's part of the (selfish) reason that I really don't want to visit her "one last time" before the end.  Everyone handles these things differently - my sister felt the need to see her as much as possible, whereas I'd rather remember her more healthy when we were there for Christmas.

More later, but I've gotta dash off...NYNY, if you need to talk or rant, I think we're all here to listen!

Thanks, Jewlz.  I won't lie - being over here has made it easier to block out what I imagine must be difficult images of her wasting away...it's part of the (selfish) reason that I really don't want to visit her "one last time" before the end.  Everyone handles these things differently - my sister felt the need to see her as much as possible, whereas I'd rather remember her more healthy when we were there for Christmas.

More later, but I've gotta dash off...NYNY, if you need to talk or rant, I think we're all here to listen!

I really can't blame you for that, Aless. I really wish sometimes that I hadn't had seen my dad that way, and I think he wished that, too. I moved from Texas to Oklahoma to live with him those last few months, but it was so painful to see him so sick that I spent most of my time hiding in the bedroom watching the same movie over and over again (it was the only video I brought with me) and avoiding him, which made me feel terribly guilty. How sad is that - to try to be strong and be there for him, but then end up hiding under the bed like a coward to avoid watching him be sick? But, I think he understood, and he accepted it. Anyway, if I had it to do over again, I might have chose differently.

Yeah, the only part where I feel guilty (b/c I know my mom understands) is my sister has been a big help to my dad in helping take care of her (giving him a rest while she's there) as things grow worse...I do wish I could be there for him, but lucky they are currently living with my aunt (Mom's sister), so he's not ever on his own.

Sorry, did mean to hijack the thread with my own story here!  NYNY, I guess the best you can really do is try and talk to your mom as much as possible...is she internet-savvy enough to use Skype?  You could both get webcams (they are so cheap, like $10-20) and talk to each other frequently and then she could also see your son, too.  Maybe plan your annual trip for around important holidays, so she's not alone (and sad about your dad) on for instance Christmas or the anniversary of his death...just some ideas.