Evening Parties - I know they're tradition here, but are they really expected?

OK, I would LOVE to hear from people who have either had or participated in English weddings and receptions on this one. It's causing HUGE stress for me right now. Oh, and I really need to rant about this, so please excuse me if I go off a bit! 

We're getting married at noon on 2 October - civil ceremony at the register's office so 60 people max. We've pretty much agreed to having a small reception at a friend's house for everyone who's actually at the wedding where we'll have a meal, wine, and cake. Sounds simple enough, right? WRONG. Jamie is having a melt down about an evening party. First, let me say that we have NO money and my parents are retired, so their contribution needs to be kept under control as their flights over here are also going to be well expensive. My mum is going to pay for the reception and we're going to scrape the money up for a dress, flowers, and rings.

But Jamie says that everyone over here "expects" an evening party and that to not have one is to slight all of his co-workers and other close aquaintances who have invited him to theirs over the years. I've been to one and I thought, to be brutally honest, that it was tacky and just an excuse for everyone to get pissed beyond belief.

So am I "required" to scrape up the money (from where, I don't know) for a DJ, a second set of invitations, and a hall (though apparently we can get a local rugby club for free if we pay the bar staff but do I really want to spend my wedding night drinking in a bloody rugby club???) Jamie says it would be fine if we "just decorate a bit" but that's yet more money for flowers (though in a rugby club I think streamers and balloons might be just as good as candles and flowers.) And since we litterally only have about 500 quid to spend, that whiddles the funds for dress, flowers, invitations, new shirt and tie for him, and rings to around 200 which I quite frankly don't think can't be done.

Am I being a snot?

Being the American.....I am not sure I can add alot to this but will simply let you know what we are doing. This is a second marriage for me and I didnt want a traditional wedding so our circumstance is different. We are skipping the reception and just having the evening party. We are having it at the masons and having very simple finger foods. But yes even doing it this way it still adds to the cost.

I would maybe suggest he just have a night out at the pub the guys to celebrate if it is indeed a problem. I will say though that if there is any way to swing it without totally stressing you out..to me the idea of the party sounds like the least stressful part of the day..and a chance to really just enjoy the company of friends on a special day.

Well there's my 2p for whatever it's worth
Helena

Hi, Helena! I totally appreciate the input! I just know we can't afford to feed more people than we already are and since the wedding is at noon, we have to do something with family and witnesses which is a good 50% of the wedding guests (Irish Catholic families + 30-something bride and groom = out of control numbers of immediate family! LOL.)

I actually really like the idea of going "down the pub" after the reception but Jamie was worried about "taking over" our local. My response was that they'd probably be quite pleased to have a bunch of people show up for drinks!!!

Isn't this your day, as opposed to your fiance's mates day?

With the greatest of respect to them, tough! They"expect" it do they? So the only reason Jamie got an invite to their party is because one was expected in return? Some mates!

You don't want an eevning do, and it sounds like affording one could be difficult - so point this out. And don't have one! As Helena says, he can go to the pub if he's really that keen.

I'm never impressed by friends that start to "expect". Unlucky, is my usual answer.

I'm with Helena. Actually I would go further and tell his workmates to get stuffed! If you are going to do it, the pub idea is exactly what I would have suggested too and make it a cash bar, maybe treat everyone to a glass of bubbly to toast the happy couple if you can afford it but otherwise make it a cash bar and also tell them "no presents" that way they can't feel put out about paying for their drinks.  No need to bankrupt yourselves over it. Personally I would not EXPECT an evening "do" - everyone does different things these days.

OMG, thank you SO much, Big Ridge!!! That's exactly what I have been saying, but I just keep hearing that it's "how it's done here." I think in all honesty that his mates would completely understand that we're too skint to have a big do and that it's more Jamie feeling some weird guilt about it than them expecting anything. But I don't want to completely commandeer the whole day and ignore what Jamie wants.

But I'm starting to feel better about being "hard nosed" about this particular point. 

Oh, and now Britwife! Thanks so much guys. And the idea of treating to a glass of bubbly is a GREAT one. That's what I'm going to suggest now!!!! You guys ROCK.

Hi there, I'll just add my agreement to the above.  DH and I had our third reception last Sunday, starting at 3pm.  We had 10 bottles of champagne for everyone to share and then they bought thier own.  We were there late, but everyone who wanted to stay could, even after we left.  (If they had come to the American wedding in May, which they were invited too, they would have drank free all night, guess it's cheaper to buy drinks then a plane ticet to NYC )

Having just come from an evening reception last night, you are right- its just an excuse to get drunk and spend more money! My stepson and his new wife will have a sort of evening reception with finger foods, but only because they got married in Las Vegas! When we got married, we had the traditional wedding 'breakfast' (even tho we didn't eat til 1 pm) for the guests of the wedding- which for us was 20 people.

Having to keep up with the 'Joneses' here too? Oh pfffftttt. I thought I got away from that..LOL Do what your heart and your pocketbook can afford!

I am going to go a little bit against the trend here and hope it comes out the way I mean it, simply food for thought--not at all a judgement. I agree completely that the night thing shouldnt be something you feel you have to do...however going from the original question--I get the feeling it is something your DF would like to do, the question is does he want to do it out of obligation ? or because it sounds fun to him? I think we tend to focus on the bride's wishes so much on weddings that we need to be careful to think about his wishes..which  is why I suggested a possible compromise of going to the pub....but I think you really need to find out why he wants to have the evening party..and what part of it is important to him before just writing it off completely.

Helena

You're definitely right, Helena. And I think that's why I've been so reluctant to just flat out say "no" to an evening party - I really want the day to be special for my df as well. But he's actually come around to the pub idea and when we really sat down and looked at the money involved he realized that having an evening do was just not at all practical.

Thanks everyone for your comments - they were all VERY helpful.

Eloping is looking better and better to both of us to be honest, but then I'd have to un-invite my family who are VERY excited about coming over for a visit the week of the wedding, and I'm just not willing to hurt everyone's feelings. As it is all of Jamie's neices are mad at me because I've said "no attendants" (there are just too many neices on both sides and it would very quickly get totally out of hand and feelings would start getting hurt.)

This whole wedding thing is definitely proving to be a learning experience!!!