I met my UK BF thru HIS friend on Facebook first ..Triangle..Need Advice

Ok...  I met a guy on Facebook from London last summer.  He came to visit me and we fooled around but it was not a love connection for either of us, however, we remained friends.  Basically, he writes me on Facebook from time to time after he's returned back to London just to catch up....nothing more.

Since it did not work out with this first guy, he always kept mentioning his friend, which is (my BF now) who had tons in common with me.  I got to know my present BF through the first guy.  I talked to my BF on the phone for 5 months till he came out to visit me.  WE hit it off!

I tell my BF whenever the his friend writes me.   My BF is a very nice individual but I can see this bothers him.  He has told me he feels like he is second helpings.  One of my BF's other friends said something like my BF is getting 'sloppy seconds'  Of course I can see why this is bothering him.

These days, I don't write to the first guy back very much but I do tell my BF when and what he does write to me.  We have formed a trust because he trusts me to tell him if I have heard from him.  What made my BF a bit uneasy is that the first guy is 'supposed' to be my BF's 'best mate', and yet, when my BF was here visiting me, the first guy was texting him MORE while my BF was visiting me HERE than he EVER did while my BF was in the UK back home!

Now it gets worse.  The first guy wants to come back to New York this summer!  He isn't staying with me, but I am sure he will want to knock on my door so he could have someone go to the city with him.  I am UNEASY about this.  I cannot believe he wants to come out here again!!  This is putting me in a bad position.

I  told my BF that I am not writing him back on facebook,  I will ignore him and his inbox messages so that by the time he comes out here, we will have enough distance between us that he feels he CAN'T just call me or knock on my door when he comes back to the states!  I want to make sure  my BF KNOWS that I am not going to hang out with his friend and I don't have a soft spot for him!!

I do not want his friend to create a 'bone of contention' with my BF and myself. Ever.  I mean his friend (the first guy) was writing me stuff that was inapproprite asking me if my BF was treating me as well as he did when he visited me? If my BF left me any money and if he was as generous as him the first time?  I mean, it would seem like they are "Friend-a-mies" seeing who's better... I don't know.

I am opting not to write this first guy back anymore no matter if he asks for a response or not.  I will not answer any knocks on my door during the time I know he's going to come out here.  However, if it wasn't for this first guy, I would have never met my wonderful BF.

I want to make sure my BF knows HE IS THE ONE and he is not second best, sloppy seconds or second helpings....it sounds awful. I don't want him to keep thinking this way. How do the celebrities do it? they are always snatching each others old BF/GF's in the same circle.

How would you handle this triangle? I should ignore him? How can I reassure my BF that he is definitley not second choice?

You should just be upfront with Bachelour #1. Just tell him that although you had a nice time with him, and you think he is a nice guy, you just aren't into him, and obviously you are in love with his best friend. I would say that although you would like to be friends at some point in the future, you don't want to upset your boyfriend or make him feel second best in any way and that you aren't like the prize in some weird competition, if that is what he is thinking. Perhaps a "cooling off" period would be best, so as your current boyfriend doesn't get jealous over what has happened with his best friend in the past. I would tell him I hope he has a great time in New York, but I hope he understands that it would make your boyfriend jealous if you were to spend time with him, and so you won't be able to do that. Just be honest. Put him in his place if he is bothering you. I am sure even if your boyfriend thinks you may have gone too far in putting off his best friend, secretly he will be glad you did. Also, any feelings of "sloppy seconds" are obviously in your boyfriend's mind and he needs to get past that. He also needs to tell his mates to eff off once in a while if they are upsetting him. I'm sure if they really are his good friends, they would take it with a grain of salt and just back off.

thank you... I don't why bachelor #1 even wants to talk anymore because he wasn't into me either... he set his friend up with me basically.  he was a matchmaker.  So yep.  I am going to just ignore #1.  I just wanted re-assurance I am doing what you guys would do if you happened to be in this situation..  If he keeps writing, I'll just let him know I want space... thanks for the feedback..

thank you... I don't why bachelor #1 even wants to talk anymore because he wasn't into me either... he set his friend up with me basically.  he was a matchmaker.  So yep.  I am going to just ignore #1.  I just wanted re-assurance I am doing what you guys would do if you happened to be in this situation..  If he keeps writing, I'll just let him know I want space... thanks for the feedback..

I personally wouldn't just ignore him, as that can be passive-aggressive. I'd be straight forward and get my point across, and then if he continued to send messages, I would ignore him.

Easy! If it were me I would delete the first guy from my friends list (not ignore but delete). Tell him you think he is a nice guy but your BF is a priority. That way he can not get a hold of you and say inappropriate things, plus I really think it would put you and your current BF at ease. Just think if the table was turned and your BF had another women sending him messages like the ones you have received and with the same kind of history you have with the first guy. What would you want him to do? Keep contact?

Synthetic - I suggest you tell #1 that while you appreciate his friendship if he does not stop sending you inappropriate messages then you will remove him from your list. And then follow through if he continues. Your BF though understood when you two were introduced that you had had a previous relationship with one of his mates so the "sloppy seconds" comment is and should be a non-issue.

I personally wouldn't just ignore him, as that can be passive-aggressive. I'd be straight forward and get my point across, and then if he continued to send messages, I would ignore him.

I agree with everything Jewlz is saying.  You can't just ignore Bachelor #1, or delete him straight away.  You have to let your feelings be known, and tell him that you're just not into him, and are in love with your boyfriend.  After you're firm with him, he should get the point, and leave you alone. If he doesnt, tell him again, and then delete him.  I wouldn't want him to come between you and your BF, since it seems like you're still in a very new relationship with each other.

But, IF your boyfriend is considering you "sloppy seconds" it is time to break up. immediately. These guys aren't worth your time. (However, i don't think this is the case..)

I'd let the first guy know that what he's doing isn't appropriate and then delete him. Just my two cents.

How did you meet him on Facebook? Just curious.

I was browsing the London network on Facebook.  (I have always had an inclination towards English men in general so I was browsing the London network)

I wrote bachelor #1 and started talking through facebook.  Then after only a few weeks he jet-setted over here on holiday to meet me!  At the end of his stay he told me that he doesn't want anything serious, that he wants to be "special friends"

I did NOT want that kind of relationship! During his stay here he spoke about his friend (my BF) alot to me, telling me that I have alot in common with his friend... ! The first guy gave his friend my phone number before you know it I was talking to my now BF on the phone and I really did have alot in common.

I just feel bad I have sort of came in between things a bit with them.  But your right, my BF went into this knowing I had been with his friend in the first place!

I wrote bachelor #1 and started talking through facebook.  Then after only a few weeks he jet-setted over here on holiday to meet me!  

Holy crap, you are brave! There is no way on this planet that I would let someone that I'd talked to on facebook for only a few weeks come visit me. Weren't you leery at all?

well, actually, no I wasn't leery.  I don't know why.  My mom made sure I emailed her every day or called in everyday to make sure I was ok! My mom wanted me to do that with my present BF as well!  So yes, I was lucky that these guys were not psycopaths!

I went with dangerous men around here that I knew in the USA who have roughed me around a bit here in my own country! The english guys were the most calm I've seen in a while!

Well like I said before...very brave!

I waited 6 months before going to see my now DB and I dragged a friend over the pond with me.

Either very brave or extremley stupid but lucky!

Thank goodness they both were ok.  Just talking to them on the phone didn't raise any red flags so I was okay with them crashing here with me even though I never met them in person.

It worked out well because they both wanted to see New York and from where I live, we walked over the George Washington bridge from my town straight into the city into the port authority!

But I made up my mind that I am not going to bother with my first friend.  if he writes me, I'll just have to tell him that I feel he should communicate with his own friend my BF and not to me.

I did mention to my BF tonight what kdhgreen said here, that my bf made the choice to be with me knowing what happened, a very brief 1 week's period of intamcy with the first one so he knew what to expect.  But I am doing the right thing and cutting it off cause I want to.   thanks guys for your opinions! 

Good luck with everything synthetic!