Bummed Out

I don't know if this belongs in the hard times category or here. But I'm just really sad today. My stepson's mother is moving in with her boyfriend in another village farther from us, sometime soon (she hasn't even told us when). All this time, we have all lived in the same small village, so we have had so much access to DSS - we've picked him up from child care just across the street from where we work and had him from Thursday night to Monday morning every other week, plus every other Monday night, plus we see him at DH's parents' house every other Friday night. Now that they are moving further away, his mother only wants us to have him every other Friday and Saturday night, because he will be starting nursery in that other village (which isn't half as nice a place as where she lives now).  :\\\'( So we are going from 10 nights/month to only 4. While I am happy for her that she has found someone, I'm just so sad we are going to be seeing the little guy less often. It just seems like it's been hard to get to this point with him, and now it may be awkward again once we see him less. I mean, he can get awkward with us when we haven't seen him for a while. I wonder if he feels abandoned and holds a grudge because it's been so long since he's seen us, that he thinks we don't care or have forgotten about him?

Last night he was so tired but it was too late for a nap and too early for bed, so I was trying to keep him awake, and I ended up just holding him for an hour. He wouldn't have anything to do with anyone else - even when grandma came over to see him (she's his favourite person)! And so I gave him his bath and dressed him for bed, and all of that stuff. And just knowing that he picked me over dad and grandma (which doesn't happen very often) really sort of makes it sadder for me to know we will be seeing him less. Look how far I've come with him!

So I just told all of this to my work colleague, who just says it's time for me to have a baby of my own. And while I think that might be true, because I enjoy being a stepmom so much more than I ever thought I would, it wouldn't make me miss my stepson any less - he will always be my first baby, the way I look at it.  :\\\'(

OK, well thanks for letting me get that off my chest. 

((((((hugs)))))))

While the idea of having a baby yourself is a lovely one and you are probably ready for that, too, I think your feelings are not about only about that, but are specific to your stepson --- you've come to establish something special with him, you love this little boy, and of course you will miss him by not being able to see him as often. This is entirely understandable and normal! 
I only briefly dated a man who had children, and I didn't even know those kids for very long, yet I had hit it off with them so well and there was such mutual liking and fun together, that I still actually miss them now that I will never get to see them again. And that was only for a short while in a brief dating situation! So how much more must you feel about your stepson; he is your family.

But try to take heart in that very fact: he is still family, still going to see you, and perhaps some extra visits or an afternoon out can be arranged?  I'm sure some additional time can be worked in and it won't have to come down to just four occasions a month -- there is always hope that it can work out to something better. Try to figure out with your husband and his ex, if something more can happen -- you never know, it could pan out as better than this figure in the end.

Hope everything works out to much more than it looks like now -- sometimes things do! 

Thanks, MB. I did think of it in another way just now. I am taking driving lessons now, and if it doesn't look like I will be getting a promotion with my current employer, I may look for work elsewhere next year, once I pass my test. This particular village she is moving to is quite a bit bigger than ours and often has job offers from time to time, so if I were to start working in that area, then that would make it much easier to go back to the arrangement we have now. So I guess there is always hope that things can turn out differently in the future. Plus, I think she will really miss our help more than she thinks she will. She gets quite a lot of time to herself now (12 days a month between us and my MIL), and still says she "needs a break," so how will she cope once all of that support is further away from her reach? My MIL also does a lot of things for her, like watches him for her when she gets her hair done, runs errands, and things like that. She will be losing that support from my MIL, as well. I think she is thinking that maybe since she has a partner now, she won't need as much help, but this guy doesn't have any kids of his own, and might be a bit overwhelmed with being a full-time stepdad from the get-go, with only a few nights off each month. The boy can be a little buggar when he wants to be! So, who knows if they might get there and then change their minds and move back to Amble once they see how much support they were actually getting here? I guess it is true that things might turn out differently than it looks at the moment. 

Oh Jewlz! I'm so sorry you're not going to be able to see the little man as often as you used to...perhaps it can be arranged that during school holidays you could have him for the week. I'm sure that it can be argued that to reduce visitation dramatically like that can have adverse effects on the poor little guy.

Just remember that a mother's heart expands and it's not that you'd be loving your stepson any less if you had your own child. My Dad had 2 sons when he and my mom got married. They were 4 & 6 when they began dating and 5 & 7 when they got married in 1968, they couldn't have kids of their own so they adopted me when I was 5 months old. My mom always said that her heart grew when I came along and she still loved my brothers the same way. She even says to this day that it was the boys that taught her how to be a good mom. My brothers often say that they have a better relationship with my mom than they do with their own mother and wished that my parents had fought her for custody of them and my parents agreed. But that is with hindsight.

My brothers were with us for every weekend, every holiday and all summer long and when they got old enough to drive they were practically at our house every day of the week. I can't remember a time when I was small that they weren't there and I am 11 & 13 years younger than they are.

Just try to keep the lines of communication open with his mom and whatever you & your husband think about her keep it to yourselves. I can't even recall one time, and neither can my brothers, where my parents discussed their mom. I know they did, but they never did it when we were around and there apparently were lots of problems that we were never aware of.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a {{{{{HUGE HUG}}}} and that having your own child won't replace your stepson, but will only add to your love and will be a playmate for your little man in the future.

PS: My brothers call my mom 'Mom' at 47 & 49 years old.

Oh Jewlz, how sad for you!

I understand what your colleague is saying but completely agree with MB, yes some of your feelings might be maternal instinct but it's so blatantly obvious that you've formed a close bond with DSS and love him just because of who he is, that's a totally separate feeling to the one you'll feel if you have a baby of your own - That's a wonderful thing, what a lucky little guy he is to have all these people around who love him so much.

What about doing other little things to keep in  touch? For instance you can get a net book with a webcam for around £100, maybe you could say good night to him a couple of times a week, or what about post/letters/cards? My nieces adore getting post.
I guess he's too young for a mobile phone with only your number in that he could call you on whenever he wants?

Hope it works out lovely! x

Thanks, guys. WebyJ, that really touched me to hear about your brothers and their relationship with your mom. DSS and I do have a special relationship. He still calls me Eya, even though he can say Julia now.  He called me mummy last night, and sometimes he says Mummy Eya. I love him to bits. He doesn't always like to be cuddled and I have to chase him down for a kiss, but he does show he cares about me in his own way. This morning, he wanted me to go to child care with him and brought my shoes over to put on.  I will always try my hardest to maintain my relationship with him, it's just sad to know we will have him less often, when already, it's so hard to see him go.

CB, those are good suggestions, but he hates to talk on the phone, and we try him with my parents on webcam, and he doesn't have much patience for it. Besides, his mum doesn't have a computer. (How much cooler is our house? He has a Mac, a PC, and a PS3 to play with!) But once he gets older, those would all be good things to consider. He's only 3 now, so keeping in touch on the off days is a bit harder than it will be later.

I think you are right, this is a different feeling than I would have to my own child. In a way, it's more special, because I'm not required or naturally inclined to love him the way I do, if you know what I mean! 

Oh, Jewlz, I'm so sorry. It's wrenching to lose that contact.  Hopefully, you'll be able to work something out, but either way, is there a way you can make sort of a daily touch-base ritual with him? Maybe calling him before bedtime to say good night or even mailing him funny postcards a few times a week?  That way he can feel your affection even if you're not there to hold him.  I know he's quite young, but I bet he would love something that is just a ritual between you and him or you and your DH and him.
Good luck. Hugs.

Oh, Jewlz, I'm so sorry. It's wrenching to lose that contact.  Hopefully, you'll be able to work something out, but either way, is there a way you can make sort of a daily touch-base ritual with him? Maybe calling him before bedtime to say good night or even mailing him funny postcards a few times a week?  That way he can feel your affection even if you're not there to hold him.  I know he's quite young, but I bet he would love something that is just a ritual between you and him or you and your DH and him.
Good luck. Hugs.

I'm not sure his mother would go in for that just yet. She feels a bit threatened by me. She even had an attorney send a letter demanding I remove his photos from my Facebook.  She threw a huge fit over me filling in his homework for child care. Things with her are a bit better now, since I spoke to her on the phone and basically asked her to stop being so ridiculous - if I can respect her relationship with her son, then why can't she allow me to have my own relationship with him? I would never try to take her place. Now that she has a serious boyfriend, she has been much happier and causing a lot less mayhem (less of the poor me sort of thing) so I hope things continue to improve. However, when we have him, we don't generally get him on the phone with her because it upsets him more than it helps, most of the time. It just makes him miss her more, I think. But, once he gets a bit older, I am sure he will be able to speak on the phone more and we could send him things in the post. At this point, his mother would probably just toss out whatever we sent, unfortunately.
But, we can always sort out something to take him for a week here and there during school holidays and things like that, I'm sure. And I think my MIL might still be keeping him every other Friday night, though I'm not sure yet, so I asked my DH to see about maybe taking him out for the day every other Saturday, so at least we would still see him every week, even if it's only for a few hours.

This topic made me reflect upon my own situation. I've been raising my nephew, alongside my brother, since he was 16mo old - first in Texas for 3 years and now back home in Maryland since we moved back a little over 2 months ago. He's now nearly 5yrs old. His mum is basically nonexistent, so I have been a surrogate mum since he was a baby and, it took a few months in the beginning, but now he and I are bonded like mother and son. Even though his mum has barely been involved, she has made my nephew's and brother's lives hell and I have been there for both of them through everything - daily care of my nephew, all of his toddler "firsts", crying for mummy, waking up in the middle of the night and needing a cuddle, illness, hospital/Dr visits, growing and developing, first day at daycare, learning to get dressed, outings, etc etc etc. My brother, nephew and I were our own family unit out in Texas because we have no family there, so we lived together and did absolutely everything together as a family, including working off each other with the parenting stuff and being available to help each other work-shift wise and otherwise. My brother and I decided to move back home to Maryland after he got full custody of my nephew (finally and thank GOD) but now he is thinking of moving back to Texas for personal reasons and because he says he likes it there, after living there for nearly 5 years. I am utterly heartbroken  :\\\'(  I know my nephew is not my son but he might as well be - he called me mommy and auntie until he was about 3 and even now sometimes calls me mommy by accident or when role-playing. I know I have to think about my own life and can't expect to be with him forever, especially since I really want to move back to the UK in the future and he would only be able to visit, but I have to say, this is absolutely devastating for me. I can't imagine life without him, he's got my heart and soul and he knows it! lol I don't know if it's normal or not to feel such an extreme attachment but I can't help it. What makes it worse is knowing that my nephew doesn't remember me not being there - as far as he's concerned, Auntie has been there since he was born, and he can't fathom life without me either - heck, he even cries hysterically when he can't find me in the house sometimes! So when I think about how he's going to feel if my brother does move back and I won't be around anymore, it really breaks my heart  :\\\'(   Anyway, just wanted to say, Jewlz I completely understand how you feel - my nephew will always be my first baby as well.  *Hugs*

Awwww, Spinky. Of course it's normal to have such a strong attachment when you have raised a child, even if that child isn't yours by birth. Heck, that doesn't matter at all. Adopted children are loved just as much biological children. Your nephew is basically your adopted child! That is a hard situation to be in, much harder than my piddly whining about seeing my stepson less! I'm not sure what advice to offer, but I do know that wherever you are, your nephew will always love you and know that you were there for him. He won't forget that. You will always have a special relationship with him no matter how far apart you may be. (((HUGS)))

As for my situation, it's worked out ok so far. We have arranged to keep him on the Sunday nights, as well, and just drop him off at child care in the other village. We will have to get up over an hour earlier to do it, but it's definitely worth it, and at least we will still have 3 nights every other week (though we used to have 4). Also, we should be able to spend a few hours with him every other Saturday afternoon when we don't have him, so at least we will still see him each week. Thanks for all the well wishes and kind words everyone. 

Hugs to all who are struggling with sharing a child, or custody arrangements. It can be so painful to separate from a child you love.    Jewlz, I'm glad you've been able to come some arrangement.

Jewlz, that's great that you've worked out an alternate arrangement! I'm happy for you.
Thanks Jewlz and Tin for the kind words

And while I think that might be true, because I enjoy being a stepmom so much more than I ever thought I would, it wouldn't make me miss my stepson any less - he will always be my first baby, the way I look at it.  :\\\'(

I saw this thread a bit late, but what a lucky little guy your stepson is.

Thanks, everyone.  There was a bit of back and forth regarding arrangements, but it seems everything will work out.

I saw this thread a bit late, but what a lucky little guy your stepson is.

Thanks! But I feel like the lucky one because I get to be a part of such an adorable little boy's life. I was really looking forward to being a stepmom, then when it actually happened, I was overwhelmed and scared out of my wits (suddenly coping with a 2 year old will do that to you!), and then I was a bit sad because we didn't "gel" as fast as I had hoped, but now, it's even better than I originally thought it would be. It just takes time. And I've learned that, just like every other adult in his life, sometimes he won't like me, but it doesn't mean he doesn't always love me deep down.  It makes me feel good to know that even if I never give birth, I still get to be a mom, at least part of the time!