Airing thoughts: coming back to the UK

Hi everyone. Occasional poster and lurker. Five years in London on a dependent visa. Anyway, here I am in Florida visiting my parents. I'm in the U.S. for a month. As usual I'm not particularly looking forward to getting back to London. I'm not dreading it, and I'm looking forward to seeing my husband, but I'd really rather today finally be the day when I don't have to leave the gorgeous weather, my family and friends, good pizza and just generally feeling more interested in and curious about life in my own country. Sometimes I try to figure out a way to split my time more evenly between the U.S. and London (I tend to spend two months a year in the U.S. and in London do low paid freelance work and substitute teaching rather than get a permanent job since I want the flexibility of coming here). Maybe I've already worked things out and I shouldn't feel bad, but is my total unmissingness of home in London normal? When I'm there I like it, but people keep asking me if I miss it and I just can't say yes, whereas I definitely miss the U.S. in London. My husband and I have had our share of problems but we're basically committed to each other even though we are not in agreement as to where to live (he is not American and has a job in London which he likes, and he likes London too). I'm 39 and not getting any younger etcetera, and with house prices dropping in lovely Florida and other places I could live, am wondering if I'll regret not coming back sooner than later. I feel worried about moving back to the U.S. and having to deal with finding a job (things have gotten more expensive) and health insurance, but while I love my partner I do feel resentful that he's made no attempt to look for work in the U.S. and is unlikely to do so. Any general thoughts, advice from other expats?

Well, whenever I am in the US (or Canada) I just can't wait to leave, so I guess my experience is the opposite to yours. You say you feel resentful that your partner has made no attempt to look for work in the US - but you say yourself you take low paid work and sub teaching so you will not be tied to the UK - sauce for the gander maybe? Will you regret not moving back? Only you will know the answer to that. I had that moment about 20 years ago, and I'm so glad I stayed.

I totally understand where you are coming from.  I've had some serious pangs for the sights and sounds of the US lately, so much that I've decided that most likely I'll move back within a few years.

But I'm here now, so I'm going to make the most of it!  I've set myself some benchmarks timewise.  If I feel as strongly in one year as I do now, I'm going to start to make plans to move back.  If I think I can hold on for a few more years, I will.  Who knows, my whole perspective might change.  But for now I'm going to let myself have what I want - but later.  I picked one year because it's not THAT far away.  I can manage a year fairly easily, particularly since I do have work and school committments.

There are things I am dealing with that are less than ideal, which may well be part (or the whole) reason the US seems so much more alluring at this point.  I know that moving in itself isn't going to solve any of them.  So I'll stick it out, get on with appreciating the fact that I have had the chance to live here and see what I feel in a years time.

If I were to take a trip home right now, I think I'd have a hard time coming back too. 

My advice would be not to make plans in any kind of hurry.  You can make plans to make changes later, but decisions made rashly might not be able to be undone.

 

Molly - I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  It's always difficult when our personal happiness and our partner's is not aligned.  I am not an expert in anything you asked about - so I'm just going to point out some things that struck me from your post.

As usual I'm not particularly looking forward to getting back to London.

This statement indicates to me that this has been an ongoing feeling for sometime.  Something you usually feel.

I'd really rather today finally be the day   when I don't have to leave the gorgeous weather, my family and friends, good pizza and just generally feeling more interested in and curious about life in my own country.

This statement indicates to me that you intend - maybe today, maybe tomorrow - to come back and remain in the US permanently.  You also list the reasons you want to be in the US: the weather, your family and friends, the food, and your own interests and feelings.

(I tend to spend two months a year in the U.S. and in London do low paid freelance work and substitute teaching rather than get a permanent job since I want the flexibility of coming here).

This statement again indicates that you view your life in the UK as transitory/impermanent.

Maybe I've already worked things out and I shouldn't feel bad, but is my total unmissingness of home in London normal? When I'm there I like it, but people keep asking me if I miss it and I just can't say yes, whereas I definitely miss the U.S. in London. 

Since it appears to me that you view your time in London as transitory - it makes sense to me (it seems normal) that you like it fine while you're there - but don't miss it when you're not.  You don't intend at this time to make it your permanent home and therefore don't miss it when your gone. 

My husband and I have had our share of problems but we're basically committed to each other even though we are not in agreement as to where to live (he is not American and has a job in London which he likes, and he likes London too).

This seems to be the crux of the problem.  You are committed to a relationship, but each of you has a preferred place to live.  (London vs. US).  Right now, you are compromising by living in London.  I would suggest that you need to have a frank discussion with your husband about the way you're feeling.  You need to be clear first about how you feel about your life. 

Your words in this forum seem to indicate that you are clear: the time you are spending in London is a temporary fix, to allow you to remain committed to the relationship, but you intend at some point to return to the US.  That's what I read in your statements. 

If that's the case, you need to make sure that your husband understands that this is how you feel.  You can't make him move to the US, but you can certainly help him understand that you are currently in a position of compromise by living with him in London. Once you have made that clear, see if he has any ideas about ways that he could compromise to help you have both the relationship and your life at home.

Unfortunately, it may be that the compromise you have reached yourself (working temporarily, traveling for several months) is the only one that will work for him.   In either case, you have to decide what priority your relationship has and the place that you live has in your life. 

To put it in perspective, you ask at the end of your statement:

I'm . . . wondering if I'll regret not coming back sooner than later.

It sounds to me that you could regret not moving back or you could regret the loss of the relationship if your partner is unwilling to compromise to move to the US or make some other arrangement that suits you both.  That's something that you'll have to make a decision about too. 

Good luck!  Remember that this is just my two-cents - I really hope it works out.

Hi,

I moved to London in May, and had to wait 6 months to return to New Jersey to see my family.  I am within my two week visit and today could not stop crying and being crabby to my English husband (who is here with me), and I am starting to dread returning to the UK.  While I am lucky to have an income, I hate my job and I can't get one at the professional and income level I earned here in the US.  We are buying a house, and it kills me how expensive basic things are in the UK, houses and the stuff you putin them, compared to what I could have here-- despite NJ's awful taxation.

I am 32, and a newlywed, and I made the difficult decision to move to the UK and just do it, start my life there to be with my husband.  He loves his job, it is a unique opportunity as a scientist, whereas with a better economy I would have been able to find satisfying work as a lawyer.  I have been trying to focus on what the UK offers me, which I cannot find in NJ/USA.  Your post had the stuff I think of-- friends, family, FRIGGIN PIZZA!!!!!, weather (seasons here in NJ), etc.  And I always think of value and cost as being way better over here in the US.

But you did not mention the good stuff about living in the UK, although some might not apply with your flexibile work arrangements.  You did mention health insurance-- it is nice to know that if one of us loses our job, we will still have access to health care, whereas in the US we could be bankrupted if one of us became seriously ill and our insurance did not provide full coverage.

I find that the UK provides for a better quality of life as far as time and how you can spend your time.  In the US, we have less vacation time, and my friends are frequently forced to forego vacations and time with family for things that come up at work.  I feel that in the UK we are "allowed" to have a family and spend time with our family, allowed to take time to live our lives.  I also observe the UK as a fun place to raise children, with lots of adventures and learning activities available to them.

The UK provides a national identity, a rich history, a fun sense of humor, affordable and quick access to numerous other countries, and a European lifestyle.  The US can be so focused on material things, keeping up with the Joneses, harsh sarcasm.

Florida is certainly beautiful, my family has a home there and I have family there, have spent lots of time there.  The UK is beautiful too-- although you don't get the scorching sun and summer beach time (which I love!), you also have amazing walks with scenic vistas, beautiful countrysides, lots of things to do in nature.

I hope my response provides some more thoughts, and of course I am trying to make myself feel better about heading back next week, when it hurts so much to think of leaving my family again.   If you ever wanna vent, feel free to PM me.  Good luck figuring things out.

Amy

My husband is from Orlando and honestly, there is not one thing about Florida that would ever make me want to live there.  If I had to choose between the UK and Florida, I would hands-down choose the UK but most of that is due to seeing the seedy underbelly of Floridian life. 

It's never easy to be an expat.  You'll always have a foot in both country but at some point, you can find peace about where you are at the moment.  And when life really sucks, you have the option to move to the other spot.  Unfortunately, the grass is always greener... 

I understand completely, Molly. 

In 2008, I moved to Florida (St Petersburg) and bought a great little cottage not far from the ocean.  The weather was great.  After a rough few years, I found the warmth, sun, and sea very therapeutic.  Soon after, on vacation in California, I met my now husband and fell in love. So I ended up renting my place, moving in with my parents in Georgia for a few months and am now boarding a flight to England tomorrow. 

All his friends ask why I would move.  I moved for love.  But he and I have an understanding that I am not comfortable with saying this is a permanent thing. He has 2 kids (age 6 and 3) from a previous marriage (I have 2 dogs). It is important for him to be close to his kids while they are young.  I do love Florida.  But I look forward to opportunities, history, and beautiful things in the UK, too.  I hope to be able to come back like you have done. 

It is not an easy move or ideal to what my plan for my life had been.  But I am so happy to have found a love as great as this.

It is hard but I hope to find to have the best of both somehow. 

Some people think Florida - "yuck, wierd-o's, humidity, heat".  Well I look at it like "flip flops, front porch swinging, and blue skys".

Loving Florida and moving to or living in England is hard to grasp.  Just wanted to say I understand.

I went through all of that many years ago. I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way before you've had the chance to form any bonds with the UK. 20 years ago, I would have given my eye teeth to move back stateside. Now, it's my British husband who wants to move to the US and I (mostly) want to stay here.


I will do it for him because I would like to be near my dad, I want to experience living in the US as an adult, but then, I would go anywhere he was.


But, you have to LET yourself like the UK and see it for the awesome country it is. It just sounds to me like you tolerate it and are barely surviving it.


It's no wonder you prefer Florida to London, though. London has a great nightlife, but my god it's a bleak, aggressive, crowded, dirty and unpleasant place at times. There is much more to the UK than London.

Thanks for the kind and sensitive comments. It is a conundrum. I love my neighborhood in London and finally figured out that having a cute coat was really essential to happiness, but I just don't miss it while I'm away.  My husband is literally and emotionally the only thing keeping me there. I'd been putting off coming to the U.S. because I was finally starting to feel like I liked the U.K. and was feeling settled and I didn't really want to stir this up, but my very friendly family beckoned and yet again it only took me about two days to acclimate before I was driving like I'd never stopped, saying cell phone and line and not running outside at every moment of sunshine because it will be there tomorrow (I spent five years in L.A., really my favorite city in the U.S.).My transitory feeling about England is quite real as neither my husband or I are from there, and he's on a tier 2 visa until January (after getting his PhD in London) but has possibly been offered a three year contract at his university. He has asked me what he should do but I don't feel like I can tell him not to take a good (or OK) job in a city he likes. And however much I prodded him (never very useful) he didn't apply for university jobs in New York, which is where I'm originally from and probably the one place he would feel comfortable in the U.S.