Sharing the moving news with your teens

I asked my son (14) how will he feel if we  moved to England next year. He said that he didn't want to move and got upset and left the room without wanting to talk or letting me explain the situation.

At dinner the other night, I told him what the plans were and that I would like to talk to him about it. He just said "Mom, I don't want to move, I have my friends here and why can't we wait after I finish High school" (he is in 8th grade now), I said, I'm sorry honey but the decision has been made and we need to talk about it. So he goes to his room, closes the door and comes back 20 minutes later,  hugs me and tells me he loves me and acts like nothing happened and starts telling me about his day at school.

I want to make the transition as smooth and pleasant as possible.

For you guys who have teens and moved to the UK, how did you manage to tell your children, how did they take it? and how did you make the transition smoother for them?

I was 14 when my parents told me we were moving to France and that I could either go to a French school there or a boarding school in Switzerland.  I got upset and angry and teenage moody about it until they told me that financially it was the only option.  So I shut my mouth and never looked back.  I have a sister and brother who also made the move and we had lived in Ireland 5 years before that so not quite the same as your situation but I survived and had the time of my life.

Is this a company transfer and will you be living in the greater London area?  The reason I ask is if you can keep your son in the American school system it will be a much easier adjustment for him. He will be with other American kids who have been through the same experience.

Maybe if you give him some UK websites of the area you will be living in, the school he will be going to and if he is interested in history there is no end to what he can find.

My daughter was 14 when we made the move. I can't help a lot though because she was very, very up for the move and positive about it from the beginning. I found I was always pointing out the negative parts, and the struggles in fear that she would be shocked with the difficulty in adjusting.

In the end, she stayed positive throughout it and has blossomed here. I did make contacts with schools ahead of time though and knew what school she would be attending. Arranged for her to meet the deputy head before her first day. They arranged for someone to meet and show her around for her first few days.

Our experience has been that most of the kids were interested in the new american and it helped her break the ice early on.

I would suggest you give him time to adjust to the idea before brining it up again, and then just give casual information and opportunities for him to talk.

Is this a company transfer and will you be living in the greater London area?  The reason I ask is if you can keep your son in the American school system it will be a much easier adjustment for him. He will be with other American kids who have been through the same experience.
Maybe if you give him some UK websites of the area you will be living in, the school he will be going to and if he is interested in history there is no end to what he can find.

kateydid, I will be moving to the Manchester area to be with my fiance (we are getting married this summer) I wonder if Manchester has any american schools around. I will do some research on that. Thanks for the suggestion, it's a very good option.

My daughter was 14 when we made the move. I can't help a lot though because she was very, very up for the move and positive about it from the beginning.

HG, how awesome that your daughter was actually excited about the move. 14 can be a difficult age and I feel sometimes guilty for trying to taking him away from his friends, but I have no doubt that he will make new ones pretty  quick as he is a very social and confident kid.

Our experience has been that most of the kids were interested in the new american and it helped her break the ice early on.

I hope his Ecuadorian roots help him break the ice as well. We plan to look around for schools early next year, get him involved in the process and visit the schools with him since we will be arriving at least 3 months before school starts.
All I’m hoping for, is for him to get used to the idea little by little, with time, and starts to be positive about it. Will definitely share information and links about the area we are going to be and about England in general.

Hi! Manchester is excellent. I'm not sure if there is an international/American school here though (Google doesn't show one, and I didn't come across one while job-searching (was a teacher in the US)).  There are a number of good private schools and the assortment of public ones.  Do you know where in Manchester you will be living?

As for getting the 14yr old excited, does he like football? Maybe start introducing him to the various teams so he at least knows what is going on when the entire city centre gets overly excited.  Is he interested in history/war/etc? There are lots of things to see/visit here, and it might make him feel less like he's leaving everything behind if he has something specific to look forward to. The more he gets to choose for himself, the better it will go I think (I used to teach middle school; 14 is a fantastic, if complicated, age).

It seems like the other posters here have had really good experiences, either moving as teenagers, or moving with their own kids.  I think it's great that it's worked out so well for people.  But, in the interests of balance (as someone who grew up with a mother who believes she's the center of the universe, and feels quite put upon if others feel differently), I'd like to provide a counter-point.

I'm not trying to be a downer here, but I think it's important to remember that this isn't just moving.  This is moving so that you can get married.  Either of those things alone can be upsetting.  Put them together, and add a pretty huge dose of impending culture shock....it's not going to be easy.  Has your son ever visited the U.K.?  Has he gotten to spend much time with your fiancee and get to know him?

Kids, and especially teenagers, tend to expect the world to revolve around them.  You can (and should!) calmly explain your feelings, and your reasons for wanting this move, but try not to be too hurt or surprised if he doesn't jump on the 'We're moving to England and I get a new Daddy' bandwagon.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't go ahead with the move, or that your son won't warm to the idea (and for everyone's sake, I hope he does).   I'm honestly not trying to be discouraging to you.  I just think it's important to consider how you and your fiancee will cope if your son isn't ok with the situation.  Definitely go into it with optimism and a positive attitude, but consider how thoroughly miserable an annoyed and hostile teenager can make life.  You might be looking at a few difficult years ahead.

In every move we've made with the kids, we've always involved them in the decision.  This is good and bad - good because they feel a part of the decision and therefore feel they have some control over their own lives and bad because they experienced the roller coaster with us.  Now my kids are so sick of being on that roller coaster, they just want to be told where we're moving next - or in in the case of my DS, he decided where he was going to finish high school and decided for himself.  Lucky for him (or not) DH and I are following him this time.  DD is off to Uni so she's really out of this decision this time and quite frankly, just not interested because it doesn't affect her.    She only wants to know where she'll spend her school breaks!

My DS (almost 16) hates not feeling like his is not in control of his life.  He likes things to be exactly the same in his daily routines.  As long as he is anchored to his routines, he is fine so that is what we try to do as much as possible. We may move house and countries but what happens in our family and our weekly pizza night, stays the same no matter where we are. 

As for friends...  DD is in touch with all her friends practically on a daily basis.  DS spends more time communicating with his friends on facebook or msn than in person anyway so that won't change living an ocean and several time zones away.  Both my kids have their own laptops now and that has helped a lot. 

This is interesting. My kids are very young so I'm not qualified to offer an opinion... but I did just reconnect with an old friend of mine who had to change high schools after his junior year. He moved from the metropolitan Baltimore/Washington DC area to San Diego. It was one of the hardest things he ever did and he STILL resents it to some degree. BUT he said something interesting... if things like Facebook and MySpace had been around then, he'd have had a much different experience and would not have felt like such an outsider.

I understand what you say. I think that moving is not only difficult for the kids but for the parents as well. We feel and are responsible for their happiness.

By the time we move, my fiancé and I will be already married, so I we are not moving with that purpose. The way I see it is, we are moving to start a new life as a family, and that is something my son has never had. It has always been the two of us since I was 18 and to be honest, until the day I met DF, I have been very happy being and independent single mom.

Yes, my son and fiancé have met many times. The last time DF was here, about 2 weeks ago, he spent almost a month in my house. They have a good relationship, the respect and feel comfortable around each other. He is even involved in our skype conversations which I think is great anyways. Every time the three of us have been together, we have done things as a family. I am not trying to give him a “daddy” he already has ( a useless one)one in another country, but what DF will be, is a good male role model….well, at least that’s the way my son and I see the situation since we have talked about the “daddy” subject before.

DS has been very supportive about the plans of getting married; my concern is about the move, the changes he will have to face. I can’t predict the future but what I can do (and have) is be open and honest with him, maintain the communication and give him time to think about it, and take in consideration what he has to say. I guess one of the reasons I am on this board, is because it is very helpful to read other people’s experiences.

I think MrsPink made a very good point here and it is that it is important to keep some type of routine, the familiar activities/things done at home, after the move.

Jennie, DS loves music, going to concerts, playing guitar, tennis, football and swimming. I know Manchester has a huge music scene which is great. He likes “the Smiths” and is reading a book about them so he was kind of excited to learn they were from Manchester.  We don’t know exactly what area we will be leaving in yet. It depends on where we find a good school, but DF lives in Stockport at the moment. Where in Manchester are you located?

After several months of a list of pros and cons, we decided that moving to the UK was the best alternative. Money and work situation for the both of us is stable right now, but one important thing to consider was family. My son and I have no family here, whereas his whole family is in the UK. If anything was to happen, at least we will have their support. If we stay here in the US, neither of us will have family around.

Anyways, thanks for everyone’s input. It is interesting to read the positive and negative experiences.
   

I don't have much to add on the teenager bit, as mine is only 3.  But I found when we moved this summer that we were unable to visit or get responses from schools because they were closed for the summer.   If you know your future address/ council I would contact them or check their website for when the last day of school is and when school starts.  Most schools in Sheffield did not reopen or even return calls until about 1 week before schools were set to return.

Earlier I had suggested you try and keep your son in an American school if you were going to be living in the London area.  As you are moving to Manchester that will not be possible.  Are you aware of the differences in the US vs UK curriculum? Your son is currently in 8th grade which is Year 9 here.  In Year 10 they start a 2 year course (GCSE) and at the end of Year 11 they sit national exams on all they have learned in the 2 years.  If you are going to be moving this summer your son should be fine but if you are not moving until summer 2011 then it will be difficult for him as he will be coming in half way through the course.  Exams here are very essay based and I know of a few American children who have found that difficult as they came from a school system that was more multiple choice/fill in the blank.

I am not trying to discourage you but think that you need to know so that when you get here you and your son are prepared.  An international move is difficult enough.

Earlier I had suggested you try and keep your son in an American school if you were going to be living in the London area.  As you are moving to Manchester that will not be possible.  Are you aware of the differences in the US vs UK curriculum? Your son is currently in 8th grade which is Year 9 here.  In Year 10 they start a 2 year course (GCSE) and at the end of Year 11 they sit national exams on all they have learned in the 2 years.  If you are going to be moving this summer your son should be fine but if you are not moving until summer 2011 then it will be difficult for him as he will be coming in half way through the course.  Exams here are very essay based and I know of a few American children who have found that difficult as they came from a school system that was more multiple choice/fill in the blank.

I am not trying to discourage you but think that you need to know so that when you get here you and your son are prepared.  An international move is difficult enough.

Thanks kateydid. Yes, I am and have been aware of the education system differences for a while, that's why I am doing my research and are trying to prepare myself and my son a year before it happens.

We have moved before, so I know an International move is difficult. I don't get discouraged easily, this actually gives me more motivation to gather information and prepare ahead of time.

Now in regards to schools. He will be 15 by the time we move (he turns 14 this April). Is it possible to contact the school a year in advance if we know what schools we have in mind? It sounds like it's almost impossible to get a kid that age enrolled in school there and that is my major concern.

Thanks!

Now in regards to schools. He will be 15 by the time we move (he turns 14 this April). Is it possible to contact the school a year in advance if we know what schools we have in mind? It sounds like it's almost impossible to get a kid that age enrolled in school there and that is my major concern.

Thanks!

You should definitely check out the schools before you arrive.  If possible it would be best for you and your son to actually visit the schools and talk to the head teacher, he/she can give you the best advice.  Your son will not be the first American 15 year old to enter the UK school system, it can be done. 

Hi Pitufina. We moved here with two teenagers. When we broke the news to them, we were still trying to decide whether to make this move or not. We been mulling over this for some time, and we told the older kids so that their reaction would help us along in our decision. My son was almost 14 and my daughter was 16. I told them individually. My daughter was excited about the move right from the start. When I told my son he started to cry, but after a short while he told us he could see good and bad about the move and he was quite philosophical about it. They'd both lived in England for brief stretches and gone to schools here. It took us another few months to finally make this decision, and we all discussed it over the months. In the end, they just wanted to know one way of the other, and when we announced we would be moving they were fine about it (apprehensive but enthusiastic).

My daughter's first year here was tougher than she'd expected, but things improved for her after that. And my son has never looked back. He coped amazingly well. He did have to start at the beginning of the two-year GCSE course, so that he was the oldest in his year, but as his birthday is the 28th of August, this was a really positive thing for him.

I know it's the last thing most teenagers want to go through, but if he has time to get used to the idea and prepare himself, he'll probably be more open to it. Just allow him to share his misgivings along the way, and give him as much support as you can when you make the move. It's a huge adjustment for everyone, but it can be done.

I hope this helps. Good luck.