He wants her to spend the night!!!!!!!

My daughter (now nearly 20) had a rather unsuitable boyfriend for about 18 months when she was 15 who moved a little way away (a 40 minute bus ride).  Because of the travel time (and no buses in the late evening) she used to ask to stay over. 

Given that she was the sort of child who would probably have defied us if we'd been too heavy handed we decided to allow it on Saturday nights only (no school nights) but insisted on visiting his home, meeting and talking with his parents and insisting that she only stay over when his parents were going to be present and that they may sure that they were at home by 11.00 and slept in separate rooms.  This way we felt that in her eyes we were being understanding and generous but that we were in control of the situation.

She now has a lovely boyfriend whom she started to see when she was 16 (they've been together almost 4 years now).  After about a year I allowed him to stop over but only if he slept in another room - I was also concerned about the message her little brother (who's now was getting.  Finally two years ago, once she was 18 we all went on holiday together and we gave them a room together but made sure that it had twin beds so that the little one didn't make assumptions and we were all more comfortable with the situation (particularly as my parents were with us!).  This worked very well.

I think it's going to be different for everyone. When I was 15, my boyfriend at the time (who I would eventually marry) was staying the night at my house. My dad did find me in his bed one morning (he was supposed to be sleeping in one room and me in another) and completely flipped sh*t. Eventually he moved in because his parents kicked him out of their house. We didn't go to the same school either and he was a senior when I was a freshman. We lived in my parents house until we divorced almost 7 years later.

Now, my niece, who is 17, is in the same situation and her boyfriend, who is 18, and I find it completely weird. He's always here and I'm like, "Don't you have your own home?" Haha!

For me now (24), whenever DB visits (30), he stays in my room and my family makes jokes about what we do in my room. I believe that I got a text on Christmas from my niece that said, "Stop having sex and come open presents." When in fact we hadn't even woken up yet. And when I go to visit him, I sleep in his room. Thankfully, his mum is a heavy sleeper.

So the point is, I really think it's different for each individual person's situation. But even though I did it at such a young age, I don't think that if ever I was in that situation that I'd let anyone under 18 spend the night.

I think you have been given some good advice here.

I just wanted to say to trust your gut and be clear as to why you feel the way you feel. You need to have an open dialogue with your son about this.

Maybe there is an alternative that you can agree to / feel comfortable with in the longer term? In the shorter term, meeting her first is very important, as is getting to know her. Could you agree a 'review' date on any decisions agreed? What about meeting her parents and discussing with them any concerns they have?     

i think it's perfectly acceptable as a parent to say "oh, hell no, brotherman!" and expect that to be respected.

i think it's perfectly acceptable as a parent to say "oh, hell no, brotherman!" and expect that to be respected.

Seriously! I'm pretty sure that exact phrase is in the parenting manual!