buying gifts for siblings

Ok here is my question and I would like some opinions.

I have 2 step kids (11 and almost we are going to the states in sept and going to get the older one trainers.  She has BIG feet size 7 and growing!! She has a hard time finding "cool" trainers so we will get her some from the states since 9 1/2 is not hard to find there as she has looked online.

DH has now said we have to get the younger one a pair of trainers? WTH Why? His reasoning is if the older one gets something then the younger one gets one. I disagree

Their mom does this - the older one gets a cell the younger one has a cell.  the older one got a laptop the younger one got one. I pointed this out and he said well she doesnt need those things and shouldnt have got them...Well she doesnt need trainers either - we can get her something she wants/needs.  He still says well no if you get one shoes you need to get the other one shoes so they can both have American trainers??

Am I totally insane here?

Well, you're not insane but afraid he's right. You can get no end of noses bent out of shape by not giving equal or similar gifts. Safest to give identical pressies.

I think the 8 year old is old enough to say if she wants trainers or not. If you want to bring her something back from the US because her sister is getting something, ask her what she wants! Maybe she wants cowgirl boots instead!  

I think if you're going on holiday and bringing gifts back then yes, everyone should get something. But, I agree with you that just because the older sibling gets a cell phone does not mean that the younger one should have one too.  

I should point out I'm a big fan of kids saving up their own money to buy things, like Nintendo DS and the like.

I think for something like a cell it's more flexiable. I got my first cell when I was sixteen, my sister got hers when she tuned 16. I got my laptop when I graduated from high school...my sister got hers when sh graduated from high school. So it was equal, but not at the same time.

As for shoes and smaller things like that, it's best to be equal to be fair. If not, the one who doesn't get anything feelings will get hurt and it can cause drama, especially at that age. Of not the shoes, get her something special and cool that she wants from the states.

My parents didn't give identical gifts to me and my brother growing up and I still resent them to this day, one year my brother (you can guess the year!) got "pump it up" trainers...I got tiddly winks. I'm still seething about it! (Well not really, but kinda ) Funnily enough my brother still brings it up to this very day, he was joking about it on Saturday. There's hundreds of other examples of this, one time my dad went to Ireland and brought my brother back loads of art supplies (nice ones)...I got some chocolate, which my mum wouldn't let me eat.

It just reinforces my belief that my parents wanted a boy and I was an unhappy accident, especially as I soon got past being cute for my mother to dress up so she stopped being interested in me, except to torture about my weight.

Don't do it to your kids people!  It gives them complexes!

(yes I'm aware I'm neurotic, please see above stories!)

I think the 8 year old is old enough to say if she wants trainers or not. If you want to bring her something back from the US because her sister is getting something, ask her what she wants! Maybe she wants cowgirl boots instead!  

But then you run the risk of the older one saying she wants the cowgirl boots as well!!  Let's face it, you can never win.

That was kinda my point - lets ask her what she wants - maybe she wants a jacket no one has...this is why they like the American stuff becasue they are "cool" and no one else will have it.  
I agree when on holiday we get almost the same little gifts like they got earrings last time we were in texas in the shape of the texas stars.  this is christmas though and Megan really WANTS trainers why would Rosie? Rosie was there when Megan was looking them up online and she wasn't bothered at all.
I would rather get her something she wants...I think I will just flat out ask her if she wants some.

I just don't believe in the fact that is one has the other must have...Its age based as the lil one doesnt need a cell and doesnt even know where it is most of the time and DOESN'T need a £400 laptop that she doesnt use.

sorry I am a new stepmom but heck my parents never got me or my sisters something jsut because the other got one and there was 3 of us girls.

sorry I am a new stepmom but heck my parents never got me or my sisters something jsut because the other got one and there was 3 of us girls.

Well, I kind of see both sides here. It was just my sister and I growing up, and everytime she got something and I didn't, I was furious. It was so bad I used to argue that she got more cereal in her breakfast bowl than I did. We still laugh about that one. So, I do agree that you can't give one daughter a gift and not give the other one something.

However, it doesn't have to be the same thing. I can't agree with the cell phone OR the laptop, especially if she doesn't even use them! And if she's not interested in trainers it makes no sense to get her some? I like your idea of just asking her. Or maybe have them both make a list of three things that they both would love to have from America, let them know that you will pick ONE THING off each of their lists, that way there is still some element of surprise?

That was kinda my point - lets ask her what she wants - maybe she wants a jacket no one has...this is why they like the American stuff becasue they are "cool" and no one else will have it.  
I agree when on holiday we get almost the same little gifts like they got earrings last time we were in texas in the shape of the texas stars.  this is christmas though and Megan really WANTS trainers why would Rosie? Rosie was there when Megan was looking them up online and she wasn't bothered at all.
I would rather get her something she wants...I think I will just flat out ask her if she wants some.

I just don't believe in the fact that is one has the other must have...Its age based as the lil one doesnt need a cell and doesnt even know where it is most of the time and DOESN'T need a £400 laptop that she doesnt use.

sorry I am a new stepmom but heck my parents never got me or my sisters something jsut because the other got one and there was 3 of us girls.

Hmm, if it's xmas then that's a bit different. But honestly, if their dad thinks that's the right thing to do, why not just go along with it? Presents like a laptop, they'll grow into, one day they'll need it, and it will be there waiting for them.

If they're close in age, it wont make much of a difference anyway.  My nieces are less than two years apart and REALLY good about sharing BUT the younger one wants whatever the older one has, she might not want trainers now, but as soon as the older one opens them...she will.

I've got really caught out with that before when buying my eldest niece a NDS for xmas - ack! The youngest niece was kinda sad all day about not getting one even though she'd asked for something else.

Now I get them a big thing to share and a little smaller, similar thing each.

If they're close in age, it wont make much of a difference anyway.  My nieces are less than two years apart and REALLY good about sharing BUT the younger one wants whatever the older one has, she might not want trainers now, but as soon as the older one opens them...she will.

Good Point

Or maybe have them both make a list of three things that they both would love to have from America, let them know that you will pick ONE THING off each of their lists, that way there is still some element of surprise?

I do like this idea!

Heck Christmas last year the little one wanted a skateboard - she is a tom boy and the older one wanted an MP3 player - DONE and simple

I do like the list and if both have trainers on it - problem averted ;-)

thanks for all the feedback

I agree the list is a good idea.  This is what we always did when I was growing up.  I never got everything on the list so it was a surprise...yet it was something that my parents knew I would love.  I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers and I never cared 2p about what they got for Christmas...as long as I got what I wanted.      We did get a lot of similar items...like all the girls would get a bracelet but mine might be gold with pink crystals and the other might be silver with white crystals, etc. 

It's not fair to let the older sister pick what gift both girls get.  If the younger child doesn't want trainers, it's not fair to "force" her to have trainers as a present just because that's what the older sister wanted.  Like PP said, maybe she will want a pair of shoes (so it will still be similar) but she'll want cowboy boots instead.  Or maybe she wants a piece of clothing or whatever.  Let her make the choice so that both girls can be equally happy with what they get.

I would think that mobile phones and laptops are the sort of thing that should be age-related. When you are X years old and show you have a sense of responsibility you may have one.
The list could be a good idea but there's always the chance of ructions, if one or both change their minds once they see what the other has. My two were always fighting over things, even stuffed animals they'd gotten when they were small.

As an older sister, I would say....don't *always* go the route of buying them both gifts. My sister used to get a gift on my birthday! (sigh, still a bit bothered by that apparently) as my parents didn't want her to feel "left out".  Now I know that it was partially because she was totally prepared to have a screaming meltdown if she didn't get one, but *then* it made me feel a little sad that I wasn't...special for at least a day? And the whole I wasn't allowed to have my own whatever until X age, but my sister could get one when I did? Yeah, didn't fly so well. I stopped asking for things and just saved up to buy them on my own, although sometimes she still managed to get them bought for her. (She's a nice person! My parents were just overly focused on "being fair" while I was growing up!)

I think it's great when you're bringing something back from a fun trip to ask what everyone wants. But, as a kid, I wish my parents had been willing to let us have the fight or whatever instead of constantly trying to appease/avoid it.  I had a great babysitter who, when we were being whiny about not being "fair", would tell us "fair isn't equal", which is something that really resonates with me. It will all even out in the long run!

My sister and I are 28 and 32 (I'm younger hehe) and I could swear my mother still observes some of this logic, even though my sister and I could care less who gets "more."  This year for Christmas I had seen two pair of boots at a little boutique and when my mom went back the pair that I *loved* were only available in my sister's size, and since they're gorge my mom got them for my sister.  Then she felt guilty about it, bought me the other pair (suede cowboy babies)- and then found three more pair in another store to make it up to me.  Funny, how even now she thinks I would have cared.   

 I think the philosophy when I was a kid was that we always had equal money spent on us, but I wouldn't have wanted most of the gifts my sister did.  And vice versa, I liked it when my folks travelled and I got something different than her. 

I think the greatest lesson parents can teach their kids is that life is not fair. So you have to balance that with trying to keep the peace