Feeling defeated....when am I going to go over to England?

The questions I'd be asking myself are:
- do I feel comfortable being the sole bread-winner?
- do I feel comfortable being relying on someone else as the sole bread-winner? and/or, do I feel comfortable living with FMIL while job-hunting/beyond?
- do I want to live in the UK, even if I'm not involved with my fiance?

If #1 and/or #3 are yes, keep on job hunting and move when you find something (and/or when your finances are in shape enough to move and then find a job). If #1 is no, don't move until your fiance finds a job. If #2 is no, don't move until you find a job. If you want ultimate "security", don't move until both of you have jobs.

I'm assuming you've taken your daughter into account as well, which may factor into #3. If not, consider that as well.

If you're not comfortable setting a deadline for ending the relationship, that's fine, but don't put your life on hold indefinitely, either. If you want to get to the UK no matter what (including your relationship ending), then work on doing that regardless of what your fiance's doing. If your goal is just to be with your fiance, you need to make sure he's on the same page and has the same level of commitment as you do (which sounds iffy from what you've said).

Good luck.

I am very surprised to hear that he's almost 38.  From what you had said previously, I imagined him to be in his early twenties.  Honestly, if I were you, I would think about moving on.  It's hard when you love someone to accept that things aren't going to work out with them, but if he's already that old, then there's not much chance that he'll ever change significantly.  He's not going to miraculously turn into a hard-working, self-sufficient guy ready to make an equal contribution to an adult relationship.  Nothing you do can ever change the essence of who he is.  People can change their behaviour if they make a determined effort, but they will never act in a way that is contrary to their fundamental nature, at least not permanently.  If he is content, at 38, to sit at home and let his mother support him, well, that shows you what his character is like.  If you don't mind being the one taking care of him when his mother is gone, if you don't mind always giving and rarely receiving, then that's fine, and maybe you'll be happy together.  But you need to be fully aware of what you're taking on if you marry him.     

My husband had to live with his parents for a while before I moved here, but he was working overtime, saving money, and then he rented a house for us and did his best to furnish it and make it a home before I moved over to join him and then we just struggled by on his earnings until I found a job. I know everyone goes about things differently, but I think that way makes much more sense than what your partner seems to think should happen.  I mean, sure, DH was the one who had to live in a tiny room and work overtime and save all his money, pretty much having no social life, and struggled to make things come together....but I was the one who had to sell everything I owned and move 5,000 miles away from all of my family and friends, so to me, these were fairly equal sacrifices. I don't think I would have gone through with the move if he had been acting like you described your partner to be acting - unemployed, living with parents, not really trying hard to make things happen, etc.  I'd be very cautious, if I were you.

Hi Katrina.

You have received very good advice.

One thing that I wanted to add is that you need to consider your relationship with your future mother-in-law.

If he has been living with his mother for almost 38 years, then the two of them have a relationship and roles that are pretty much set in stone.

When you move in, you are going to be seriously upsetting some boundaries.

Daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law have boundary issues all the time, even when they don't live near each other.

I have had problems with my MIL spoiling my husband, and we don't live with her.

Do you and your future MIL see eye to eye on things like your fiance's responsibilities when it comes to doing housework? If she has been picking up after him for 37 years, he is going to expect to be picked up after.

Regarding your fiance moving out, remember that right now he is providing her with companionship. Plus, considering his age, she is probably concerned about who will care for her in her old age and may be assuming that he will always be around for her. She probably benefits from your fiance staying where he is, and she may be encouraging him, whether consciously or unconsciously, to stay.

I think you've gotten some great advice and food for thought here. 

This relationship seems to be out-of-balance.  If he truly wanted a life with you, he'd be moving Heaven and Earth to make it happen.  With all that he expects you to sacrifice, he'd be doing his best to make your sacrifices worth it.  He would take whatever work he could find to get things situated for the two of you to start your life together.   

Instead, a 37-year-old male is sitting in Mummy's house, eating her food, using her internet and snubbing "boring" jobs.  Even a "boring" job would help provide the means to set things up for your arrival.  I understand needing you to work as soon as possible, but when is he going to work? 

Would you move to the UK if he weren't in the picture?  What would you do if you got there and he didn't change his current ways?  If you decided that the move was a mistake, how easily could you return to the US?  Would you be happy supporting him while he hung around at Mummy's all day? It sounds like you've got a lot to offer, but it sounds like it is not reciprocated.

Sweetpeach made some excellent points about his and his mom's relationship.  If he's always been the apple of her eye, your arrival will upset the apple cart.  You and Mummy could end up competing for his attention.  What would you do, if you moved in with them, and Mummy suddenly decided you had to go--right this minute? 

Bottom line, he needs to show he's as committed to making this work as you are.  His changing "plans" (all of which seem to have you getting an income a.s.a.p. as a main feature) aren't enough.  He needs to get a "boring" job or two if that's what it takes to start your life together in the UK.  He needs to look at places, other than Mummy's, for you to live as a couple.  This situation has a lot of red flags in it.  I do wish you lots of luck, wisdom and peace, whatever you decide.       

 

 

Just spoke to my fiance, and i told him i was worried and wanted a plan, and he suggested I quit my job here go over there and live (not at his moms because there is no room) but to live in a hostel or council home (try and get one) and try to make it..

Is his mum ill or disabled and does she require his presence around the house? (My siblings care for my elderly mother in the US so I can relate to that.) It doesn't seem like it, since you say she does his shopping for him.

If not, it seems like he is already made a decision about who is more important to him.

As a comparison, my sister is constantly back and forth to and from my mother's home caring for her, taking her to doctors, etc. - but she LIVES with her husband.